I have been writing Yellow Scrubs, promise, but then I read an interview by Tom Ward, took the dog a walk (nearly ended up with a Jack Russel kite it was so windy!) and then had to write this up after it wouldn't leave me alone.

Sorry, it's not brilliant, but going to take the dog another walk so hopefully I'll think of what I need to write for Yellow Scrubs :D

'Harry is still single, but at least he no longer has girlfriends all over the place. Since he met Nikki, he knows deep within himself that she is the one for him.

Thing is, he also knows that she doesn't think he is the most suitable husband material. And because he cares so much for her, he doesn't want to hurt her and provisionally remains at a safe distance.'

Tom Ward on Harry Cunningham :)

xXx

Your Second Chance

How many times have you been in this position?

How many times have you shut yourself in Leo's office, your mobile sitting in front of you on his desk, with you willing it to ring? To give you the answers that you've been desperately waiting for.

Just wanting to hear her voice, to know that she's ok.

You think that you should probably be used to this by now, after nearly eight years of worrying about her, but it never gets any easier. You've come to the conclusion that your best friend just happens to be the unluckiest pathologist in London… and the best of course, but there's no way that you would tell her that. Not when you're sober anyway.

And as a result of having the most accident prone, can-get-herself-into-danger-in-a-blink-of-an-eye best friend, you've been left waiting again for the phone to ring and be told that everything is ok, or that you need to visit the station to pick her up, or god forbid, the hospital. Again.

All you want to do is go out looking for her, but you haven't the faintest idea of where to start. It's not like some of the other times, where you've had a rough idea. When she's phoned you and gave you a clue. No, this time she doesn't have her mobile with her. You know for a fact that she doesn't, because it's currently in your pocket, where it's been since that morning when she had given it to you just before you had both performed the PM's on the double suicide case.

You'd joked then, about how stupid it was to wear jeans that were so skinny the pockets weren't big enough to fit your mobile in, and how your memory was much better than hers, so of course you would remember to give her it back when you had finished.

But you hadn't. And now it seems to be burning a hole in your pocket, reminding you that it's your fault that she can't ring you. Can't let you know where she is, or what's happening.

And it scares you, even though you've been trying to hide this fact from yourself.

You don't realise the door to Leo's office open until Leo himself is standing in front of you on the other side of his desk, his arms crossed and his eyebrows knitted in concern.

"And news?" he asks, nodding to your mobile, and you simple shake your head, not meeting his gaze.

"She'll be fine Harry, you know she will," Leo smiles, but you've known him long enough to see the uncertainty in his eyes. He's scared too, and hiding it just as well as you are. "I spoke to Reynolds, a detective at the station, and apparently this guy is known to them. He suffers schizophrenic episodes when his medication isn't controlled properly, but he's never hurt anyone before."

"Yeah, well there's a first time for everything, isn't there Leo?"

You look up at him, and you're surprised to see a slight smile on his lips.

"Don't you care Leo?" you've raised your voice unintentionally, yet you have no desire to lower it again. "Don't you care that some nutter has grabbed her, taken her who knows where? He could hurt her, this could be the time that he can't control himself, this could be the time he kills someone!"

"Harry," Leo's voice is steady, calm, as he shakes his head. "Calm down. You don't even know for sure that she's with this guy, do you? Maybe she left her car there and went looking somewhere else."

"I do," you nod your head as you glance at your phone again. "I do know. She told me this morning when we were in the cutting room that she wanted to talk to Tony Sanders, ask him a few questions. It was his wife and teenage daughter that were found, double suicide. If he was prone to 'episodes' before their deaths, what could he have done to Nikki now, in his grief stricken state. Why didn't I go with her? Why didn't I remember to give her her phone back?"

"Oh don't start blaming yourself Harry," Leo sighs, rolling his eyes and sitting down at his desk. "You do no one any favours when you start blaming yourself. The police have searched Tony Sanders' house. There's no signs of a struggle, his car is gone, Nikki's is still there. Stop thinking the worst and wait for a few hours. The police are out looking for them."

You clench your fists under the table to try and steady them, feeling an anger bubble up inside you. How could Leo be so calm about everything? How could he just sit there and believe that everything was going to be ok?

"You don't get it, do you Leo?" you're shouting again, but you don't care. "You just don't get it. Anything could have happened, and yet you're just relying on the police to do their job right and find them both before it's too late. Don't you care? Aren't you bothered that something could happen to her?"

"Don't you dare say that Harry!" you're surprised at Leo's sudden change in tone, his voice low and loud. "You have no idea."

"Yes, I do actually," you're both on your feet now, glaring at each other, your eyes locked together.

You don't really want to stay in the office, and yet you seem unable to pull yourself away from the confrontation.

"I know what it feels like to think that I've lost her," your voice is shaking slightly, and so you clench your fists tighter. "Finding her in the hospital basement, with the blood… I thought she was gone."

"I know, I was there too remember. I had to sit and wait for news just like you did. I know I didn't find her, but I know how you felt. I had to watch you die!" Leo burst out, his eyes swimming with emotions that you haven't seen in years. "Don't you understand Harry?"

Leo sighs, dropping his voice to barely a whisper.

"I had to watch you burn right in front of my eyes, knowing that there was nothing, nothing I could do about it."

You're both silent now, the only sound the muffled ticking of the clock behind Leo's desk. It's Leo that breaks the silence first.

"You weren't the only one that was hurt in Budapest Harry," he shakes his head slightly. "You weren't the only one that had to suffer. And I won't pretend that I know what you went through, how you felt when you found Anna. When you were running for your life. When you thought that you were going to die. But do you know what it felt like to watch one of the few people you truly care about burn in front of you and know that you are completely incapable of stopping it? Knowing that when you do, eventually, manage to stop the flames, what you find left behind will be nothing like you remember. I looked at that burnt body Harry, and do you know the first thing I thought?"

He's looking at you, as if expecting an answer, and so slowly you shake your head, completely lost for words. You've spoken about Budapest with Nikki before, opened up to her slightly, but with Leo, it seemed to be a case of forget and move on. If they didn't talk about it, it didn't happen. And that had worked for nearly a year now, until today.

"I though 'I'm too late'. Not too late to save you, I knew you were dead when I saw the guy shoot you countless times, but I thought I was too late to save even a little part of you. I small part that was still recognisably you. And instead I just found your passport, and the remains of one of my closest friends."

"I'm sorry, you know I am," your voice is so quiet that you're surprised Leo can hear it as he leans his head in his hands. You've both sat down again, and you don't know how you managed to find yourself in this situation.

"Yeah, I know you are," Leo sighs. "But it still doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that as I was desperately trying to stop the flames, trying to save that tiny part of you, you were walking away, does it? You were right there, and yet you still walked away, still let us believe that you were dead."

"I had to," you say, more to yourself than anyone else. "I had to."

There's silence again, a heavy, awkward silence that presses down on your shoulders making you feel physically and emotionally drained, yet it's Leo that breaks it again.

"Do you know why I was so desperate to stop the flames?" he asks, lifting his head to look at you. "I'm not stupid. I've worked as a pathologist for long enough to know that even if you hadn't been shot, the fire would surely have killed you by the time I got there. No, I wanted to give Nikki something that still resembled her Harry, no matter how small it was, just so she could say goodbye. And I felt so guilty that I didn't get there in time. Did she ever tell you that I refused for her to see you? To see the body I mean."

"No," you shake your head confused.

"I did. I told her that there was no way I was letting her see you, because you weren't you any more. I told her she had to remember you as you were before you went to Hungary, and hold on to those memories as tight as she could, because there was no way I wanted her to see what I saw every time I closed my eyes. I had to hold her as she shook in my arms, desperate not to cry in front of anyone, and then I had to watch her break down when we got to the hotel room. You know Harry, that day I was scared, we all were. But I think I was more terrified about coming back home without you. Nikki had gone to Budapest to bring you home and all I could offer her was a burnt body that I wouldn't even let her see. I knew that once we were home, once the reality of not seeing you every day really hit her, there was no way Nikki could cope."

"I didn't mean for any of that to happen!"

"But it wasn't you, was it Harry?" Leo sighs again, ignoring your words. "I'll never forget that day, when you climbed into the taxi without warning. I thought it was a hoax you know, that someone was playing tricks on us to try and catch us out. And then it was you. And you were alive. You were a mess, yes, but you were alive."

"Leo-"

"You know, watching Nikki break down at the monument was probably one of the hardest parts of the whole Budapest incident. Watching her grip you so tight that I thought she'd never let go. Because after everything she had told me, it was like her second chance. And then you left her again, breaking her heart in more ways that one."

"What did she tell you?" you ask, leaning against the side of the desk.

"The same thing you tell yourself every day," Leo replies, looking at you closely. "Second chances are rare Harry. I never thought I'd find happiness again until I met Janet. But I know for a fact, there's only one way you'll be truly happy. Don't waste your second chance."

"We don't want the same thing," you tell him, feeling your hands tremble for a different reason now. "She deserves someone better than me. She deserves someone who can be there for her, be her husband, give her a family that she deserves."

"But she doesn't want someone better than you Harry," Leo smirks. "I'm not saying any more, you need to talk to Nikki. But put it this way, I can be pretty blind when it comes to things like this, and even I have seen the signs for years now. You two are just too stubborn to realise! It's you that can give her what she's always wanted. What she's been too scared to admit to until we were in Hungary."

You stare at Leo, looking for any indication that he is joking, and yet you find nothing. He looks just as serious as he did moments before when he was talking of Budapest.

"It's Nikki," you whisper, not knowing where the words have come from, or why you chose now to reveal the secret you have been keeping for so long. "It's always been Nikki."

"I know," Leo chuckles, standing up again and moving round his desk to stand next to you. "And believe me Harry, you are more than good enough for her. All she wants is you, and if someone is willing to put up with your stubbornness, and arrogance and bloody awkward mood swings, then I'd say she loves you more than anything."

You stand up now too so that you're facing Leo, who wraps one arm around you and pulls you into a hug that you weren't expecting.

"I'm sorry Leo," you whisper as you hug him back. "And thank you."

"Don't mess up your second chance Harry," he replies, just as the office door opens.

"Oh, sorry. Was I interrupting a rare moment affection that the male species seem to be incapable of showing each other," she giggles, and you suddenly pull away from Leo, turning towards the door in an instant.

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" you can hear the relief in your voice as you cross the room and pull Nikki into a tight hug, resting your chin on top of her head and breathing in the scent of her strawberry shampoo.

"Talking to Tony Sanders like I told you," she laughs slightly. "Harry, as much as I like your hugs, I can't breath."

"Sorry," you mumble, loosening your grip slightly but not letting go.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asks, and you pull away completely, holding her at arms length.

"We have had half the police force out looking for you!" you laugh, an unexpected laugh of relief that burst from your mouth. "The police went round to his place after realising he had a history of schizophrenic episodes, only to find his car gone and yours still there. They thought- I thought…"

"You thought that I'd managed to get myself into trouble again," she rolls her eyes at you before smiling. "You're confidence in me really is startling Harry, thanks."

"I think after the amount of times you've managed to find trouble, I'm allowed to worry about you a little," you smile back and she shakes her head at you. "I wouldn't have worried if you'd have phoned me."

"Well my phone was in your bloody pocket, wasn't it?" she shoots at you, hitting you on the arm playfully. "Seriously Harry, what happened to 'Don't worry Niks, I have a memory like an elephant, I won't let you forget.' What, an elephant with Alzheimer's or something? Honestly, it's worse than mine."

She stops a moment, and then carries on, as if she knows that you're waiting for an explanation.

" I went to talk to Tony, as I told you, and he was upset. Understandably. So we went for a drive, and he took me to the place where they used to go as a family all the time for picnics, and he seemed to open up. I know I'd been gone a while, but I couldn't just interrupt the poor guy when he was in such a state, could I? He just needed someone to talk to."

You stare at her, her eyes locking with yours, and can feel the smile spread across your face as you pull her in to a tight hug once again.

"What has gotten in to you today?" Nikki laughs, tightening her arms around your waist and hugging you back. "You're being very generous with your hugs today."

"Oh that's just the start of it Nikki," Leo chuckles as he passes you on his way to the door. "Apparently he's taking you out for dinner tonight too. Expensive wine, waiter at the door to take your coat, the lot."

"Really?" she asks surprised, turning her head to look at Leo, yet still letting it rest against your chest.

"Apparently so," you smile, as Leo grins and leaves his office, closing the door behind him.

"What was all that about?" she asks you, and you don't think that she has any intention of breaking the hug any time soon.

"Nothing," you say, leaning your lips against the top of her head and kissing her soft hair. "And everything."

"You're really wanting to take me out for dinner?" she asks again, tilting her head up to look at you.

"Of course I do. Anywhere you want. Your choice, my treat."

She leans her head back against your chest and you can feel her frowning in concentration.

"Your place?" she asks quietly, sounding a little uncertain. "Chinese on the way home, the newest movie from the rental place a few doors along? A couple of bottles of red wine…"

"You know what Niks, that sounds like the best idea in the world," you chuckle as she tilts her head up again and you kiss her on the nose. "But I'm choosing the film."

"How did I know you were going to say that," you're both grinning now, and so you wrap your arms around her tight, before letting her go, taking her hand and leading her out the office.

"See you in the morning," Leo calls from the kitchen, catching your eye as Nikki is throwing a few more things into her handbag from her desk.

He nods once, giving you a knowing look.

"Nikki, make sure you take full advantage of Harry's unusual generosity, won't you?"

"Oh, don't worry, I will," she giggles, taking you by the hand and pulling you towards the door. "See you tomorrow Leo."

And so you let yourself be guided out the door, feeling comfort in her soft hand in yours. Maybe you can't see yourself as 'husband material' for her just yet. Maybe you'll always feel as if you're not good enough for her. But if you can be the best friend that she needs, then maybe, just maybe that's enough to get you through everything. To let you go that one step further with Nikki, and step hand in hand into the unknown territory of more than just friendship.

Leo was right after all. Leo was always bloody right.

This is your second chance at happiness, and there's no way your going to mess it up now.