This is crack! Gender bender L and...Light?
Sorry I'm not very funny. This is a fill for the DN kinkmeme that I wrote years ago.
Be nice...?
=)
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. It is owned by Ohba and Obata.
Shower
"What the hell!" Light shrieked as he watched, mortified, as L joined him in the shower. His eyes had drifted down L's frame, taking in all the skin that was usually hidden by a thick layer of white cloth and baggy jeans, and had come to rest on…
"L, you're a girl?"
L blinked once, then twice, and looked down at the subject of Light's outburst.
"It would appear so."
Light studied L, wide eyed, as he tried to find some sort of logical explanation to the fact that his seemingly mortal enemy, the greatest detective in the world, the person he was currently chained to, and the person he was going to have to share a bed with for the next…however long it may be, was in fact, a girl.
"Wha-whu-sa-tch-" Light sputtered incoherently as he tried to formulate something that would make L react. Something other than confusion, for god's sake! L seemed oblivious.
"Is there something wrong, Light?" L asked with feigned concern, for surely L could not feel concern over anyone but himself, or possibly the state of his precious cake, but anything other than that was a blatant, no.
Light took a step back; hands out in defense to protect himself lest L decide to suddenly jump at him or even worse, jump him. This could be like one of those horror films in which there is an evil twin, and then all of a sudden…BAM! and he's stabbed in the back by said person. Or perhaps a clone. L would surely have the means to such information and then could…
"Of course something is wrong!" Light all but yelled, he was seething with anger and frustration. "What the hell is wrong with you anyway, Ryuuzaki?" he stated more than asked, for surely no one else on the task force knew of this shocking revelation.
"A lot of things are wrong with me, Light." L answered as he brought his index finger to his lip, as if it was the most obvious thing, his tone as naïve as it had ever been.
"You're a girl! A girl, Ryuuzaki!" Light screeched, still in disbelief, and partial denial, as L observed him calmly.
"Yes, yes. I've noticed. And…?"
Light opened his mouth then closed it, then opened it again, then closed it. He was dumbfounded. What the hell is wrong with L anyway? Did he not realize he was a girl! There was no way in hell the greatest detective in the world was a girl, no freaking chance. Either this was a really weird, twisted, and sick dream, or…or…damn it!
"Wh-wh-whu – "
"Light?" he asked tentatively, eyebrows furrowed in even more concern, or was it simply confusion?
"You have a vagina!" Light yelled and instantly regretted it for the comment made him seem extremely bigoted and sexist. Oh, God. Perhaps he should stop referring to L as a he and instead refer to her as she…damn it all! This was too confusing!
L looked down to subject of Light's concern and made a silent 'O' as if realizing.
"Yes, Light. I wish it weren't so, but…" he stopped himself as he chewed his thumb, seemingly reflecting on something.
Light sputtered once again. An assortment of 'tch', 'pfft', and choking noises escaping his lips. What should he say to this?
"You want to have a dick?" he yelled again, abhorred at the very thought, but still unable to shake the feeling that this was just one big weird joke, a really inappropriate prank and it was not funny. Not at all.
"Thank you for your offer, Light, but I think I'll manage." He stated with slight annoyance as he proceeded to start washing himself. That was, after all, why they were in the shower.
Meanwhile, Light's face was the shade of a tomato and was steadily turning even redder as he realized the implications of his statement, or rather question, as L had taken it as.
"Light?" L turned his head to face his suspect, who now resembled more a dead lobster than a killer, and asked, "Are you alright?"
Light swallowed nervously. He was sure L had heard the gulp and seen his crimson face, how absolutely embarrassing was this situation? And it wasn't even L who had embarrassed himself! No, it was Light! He had made too big of a deal out of this already. He would have to make amends somehow, after all, they would be sharing a bed later. Oh, no! A bed! Damn you, L! You did this on purpose!
Light was seething with rage as he tuned around to face his nemesis.
"I'm fine!" he spoke through gritted teeth. He was absolutely boiling with anger, but he couldn't have L know that. He couldn't let L think he was a sexist.
L nodded and went back to lathering his body with the shower gel. Strawberries. Of course L would smell like strawberries. How disgusting. Oh, and look! There's no other scent of shower gel or soap! Goody-goody. I'll have to smell like a fucking girl! Fuck you, Ryuuzaki! You did this on purpose!
Light grumbled as he took the shower gel that L handed him. He was sure that the latter could see or sense his agitation, but he wasn't letting it be known. Damn it! Still can't refer to that conniving bastard as a girl! Fuck!
He was muttering things to himself under his breath when he felt eyes boring into his back. What! What now?
"What?" He spun around to face this transsexual, or perhaps transvestite was more like it, and practically fumed.
L continued to stare for a while longer before he responded, "It bothers you that I'm not male."
"Well, of course it bothers me! You're a girl!" he spat with as much venom as he could.
L nodded solemnly. "But perhaps that's not the issue here."
"What the hell do you mean?" Light continued to spit, trying not to sound too curious as to what L had to say next.
L brought his thumb to his lips in a thinking posture for the second time in the shower, "You seem more uncomfortable with the fact that I'm a girl than the fact that you're alone in the shower with a girl. Naked."
Light gaped. The nerve!
"Are you calling me gay?" he seethed as he threatened. His clenched fists were turning white and his fingernails were digging so deeply into his flesh that they were beginning to draw blood.
"Yes, Light. Are you saying this is not the case?" he posed in that annoyingly arrogant and calm way of his. Enough to make Light want to punch him, but he didn't because he knew how strong that delicate body was. That female body. Oh, fuck! Beaten by a girl!
He seethed even more at his inner thoughts, and was just about to retort to L's disgraceful comment when L spoke again.
"Are you disappointed?" he asked, with which Light thought was a hint of sadness.
This completely threw him off. At first he had thought L was mocking him, or at the every least trying to rile him up, and perhaps that had been so, but now it seemed that L didn't exactly intend to do that.
"Eh?" was the only sound Light managed to make as he struggled to make sense of the situation.
L sighed, slumping his shoulders in the process.
"You liked me better when you thought I was a man." He sighed, forlornly.
What. The. Fuck.
"What the fuck, Ryuuzaki!" Light blurted out. What is L playing at?
Light almost brought a fist to collide with L's cheekbone, but realized that, no, he couldn't do that anymore, because Ryuuzaki is a fucking girl!
"You were happy to come into the shower with me when you thought I had a penis, but now you can't wait to get away from me. You don't want to have sex with me anymore." He sighed, oozing hopelessness.
"What. The. Fuck. are you implying, L?" he tried to formulate as calmly as his nemesis had a tendency to do. He was still seething and on the verge of at least breaking the perverted bastard's nose, but he tried his hardest contain it. He would not lose to L.
L shrugged and then turned to leave the shower.
"Oh, no, you don't, L." he snapped as he caught L's slim wrist.
He pulled him back using all the anger that L had caused, and slammed him to the wall. L flinched as his head hit the hard tiles, but then went back to calmly assess the situation, curiously inspecting Light to predict what he might do next. L waited until Light decided to calm down, there was nothing else he had to add, after all.
When Light's breathing had returned to normal, L decided to speak.
"Have you calmed down?" This time Light couldn't hold it in. He panted his fist in the tile right beside L's head, barely missing his face. He was so furious with L and his perpetual assumptions and Kira percentages…no, scratch that. He wanted the Kira percentages again. He needed them. Anything over this…this…
"I am not gay!" he hissed and after a long pause of letting it sink in, he continued, "I'm about as gay as you are female."
"Then that makes you pretty gay, Light."
"Arrrgh!" he planted another fist in the tile. God, the nerve! Couldn't L see what he was trying to say? Yes, he could, but the fucking arrogant ass enjoyed making him suffer. "That's not what I meant! Argh, look what you made me do!" he said as he cradled his hand, blood dripping down from the split skin.
L looked at it and blinked. "It is not my fault if you cannot control your anger, Light."
Oh, yes. As smug as ever. There was no doubt now. L was a man.
"Fuck you! This is all your fault! Gah, I think it's broken." He winced.
L furrowed his eyebrows and tentatively brought out his spidery fingers to inspect the wound.
"Wha – "
"I'm going to see if it's broken." L said as he gently pressed down on the hand and rotated it to find anything out of the ordinary. "Does this hurt?" he said as he pressed into tender flesh.
"Gah, yes! Yes!" Light winced, trying to suppress tears.
"I don't think it's broken, but we should show Watari, just in case." And with that he guided Light out of the shower and proceeded to towel dry him while Light cradled his injured hand.
Light slammed the door shut behind him as L leisurely waltzed into the apartment. Light's footsteps echoed in the room as a challenge against L's.
"So when did you plan on telling me you were a girl?" he challenged.
L merely shrugged. He seemed to not notice Light's increasing bad temper.
"Answer me!" he demanded.
L turned to look at Light who was stained red in the face from all the anger that was now coursing through his every vein and artery, unable and unwilling to compose himself any longer.
"When did you plan on telling me you were Kira?" came the calm reply.
L swore he saw fumes coming from Light's head. The latter was now sconvulsing with anger.
"I knew it!" he accused L with a pointed finger, "I knew this was just an elaborate scheme for me to 'confess' that I'm Kira! Well, guess what? It won't work!"
"So Light is admitting he is Kira?"
"No! I cannot admit to something that isn't true!" he shrieked.
L nodded solemnly, feigning defeat, at least in Light's eyes.
"And don't you dare compare this to that…that…thing!" he accused, pointing at L's nether regions.
"Thing?" L looked up, wounded puppy dog eyes in the midst.
Light immediately blushed, eyes widening, realizing his err.
L's lower lip protruded and commenced trembling. Then the sniffling began.
"L?" Light started tentatively, "Are you…crying?"
He was completely mortified.
"I knew it! You are repulsed!" he wailed, "Just…just…go away!" and he sprang to the bed and flung himself onto the sheet, burying his head in the fluffy white pillows, only the brush of wild raven hair visible.
Light exhaled shakily. This sure was…an odd turn of events. If L was crying…was he crying? I mean, she? Or was this just another detail in the elaborate scheme for Light to admit he was Kira? L had never gone to these lengths before to prove to the world that Light was guilty. Either this was some closely kept secret talent of L's to use as his secret weapon once the opportunity arose, or L was in fact, crying. For real. It was hard to discern the reality. Light still had trouble believing L was a girl. Even if proof was clearly displayed.
"L…I…" he started, approaching the bed with as little hostility as he could, given the situation.
L was sobbing now. His head shook with the tremors that his behavior was causing him. If he was pretending, he was doing a damn good job at it.
Light sighed in defeat. This was getting ridiculous. Was he or wasn't he?
He crawled over to L, bringing a hand out to comfort the detective, hesitating above the disheveled fur before leaning in and stroking the mess. It was soft.
"I'm sorry." He managed.
L's sobs slowly turned into hiccups and then into irregular sniffs.
"You should be." came the reply muffled through the pillows.
Light retracted his hand and waited for L to sit up and regain his composure.
When the latter did so, Light jumped back in shock.
"What?" L sniffed.
Light couldn't risk upsetting the detective further, but he had to know.
"Is that…?" he tried, bewildered.
L wiped his tears away with his long sleeve and looked down on the remnants of the watery substance.
"Yes. Eyeliner. This doesn't just happen by itself, you know."
Oh my God. He's not lying. I mean she! She! Fuck.
"So those aren't…?' still unable to formulate an eloquent response, he waited for L to confirm his suspicions.
"Dark circles? No. I have those, but they're not as nearly pronounced as one might think."
Light nodded dumbly. This was too much.
When L's sobs had subsided, he decided to regard Light with slight contempt. His eyes were still damp, but at least the tears had subsided. God, he couldn't stand tears. And to think that they were actually coming from a female! And L nonetheless! How absurd.
"You are a girl then?" He stated as a question once he'd regained his posture.
She nodded enthusiastically.
Well, that went well, he thought.
"Sorry…" he started with a fierce blush, "I thought you were lying." He looked away, unable to meet L's gaze, those endearing panda eyes filling him with overflowing guilt.
"Light is a sexist, but I forgive him."
Light snapped back in astonishment, laden with annoyance.
"What!" he snapped, "I'm not a sexist!" he was furious once again. Any semblance of sympathy he might have held for his ex-nemesis, was now completely gone, replaced by a sense of deep resentment.
"Yes." L answered bluntly, eyes locking with the young student's.
"How can you say that? I apologized, didn't I?" he looked offended.
L nodded, eyes closed, "Yes, but Light is still a sexist. Or would he prefer misogynist?"
"Misogynist?" Light bellowed. It was like L had violated him with his words alone. Forget that, this is no fucking girl! No girl acts like this!
"Yes. Light is disgusted with the female form."
Light just gaped; indignant and shocked. There was nothing else that could describe his reaction.
He opened his mouth several times, no success at all in forming any semblance of a reply. Eventually, after a minute had passed, he spoke.
"Fuck you, Ryuuzaki!"
L heaved a deep sigh and shook his head in disbelief. Light thought he heard a 'tsk' escape those scarlet lips.
"Now I know why you haven't told anyone of your…your…" he gestured toward L's nether regions again, "secret! You make a horrible girl! You make Misa look like a godsend!"
L frowned and widened his panda eyes, still smeared with remnants of eyeliner.
"Light is cruel. That was uncalled for." He whined and protruded his bottom lip, bringing it to the trembling state it was in earlier.
"Ha! I knew it! I knew you were faking, L! I knew you weren't really crying! It was just a trick!" Light accused with crazy, bulging eyes, pointing an accusing index finger to L's forehead.
"I was crying." L stated.
"No you weren't! It was just a trick! To get me to admit I'm Kira!"
"You are Kira."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No! I'm not!'
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
"This is ridiculous. I think Light may be experiencing some form of psychosis. Should I take him to see Watari again?"
"Enough with your lies, L!"
"What lies?"
"This elaborate sham! You…you…planned this!"
"Planned?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about!"
"I'm afraid I do not, Light." L sighed, exasperated.
"You do too! And I'm going to prove it!" and with that Light bounced off the bed, skidding to the closet and procuring a black plastic box.
"What are you doing?" L said with a thumb travelling up to rest at his lip.
Light stared up at L lounging on the bed with a triumphant smirk.
"In this box, I have proof that you are not what you say you are." Then he proceeded to produce a black, long, rubbery…
"My dildo!" L shrieked with horror.
"Haha, indeed!" Light laughed maniacally. "Now let's see whose the liar." He stated before he put the object of attention into a small plastic bag and darted away, seeming to head for the door.
"No! Light! You can't do that!" L yelled desperately, as he too, followed Light to the door, adamant to not let anyone find his private toy, for whatever reasons he may have had.
Light seemed to disappear down the hall, closely followed by an alarmed L, who had never before appeared so horrified. The rest of the team that had now arrived in the lobby looked on in both surprise, astonishment, and shock as L chased after a crazed and laughing Light who held what appeared to be a blackened banana. The lack of handcuffs was alarming them even further.
"What do you think they're doing, Chief?" asked a perplexed Matsuda.
"Uhh…" came the equally astonished reply. Perplexed indeed.
"No! Watari, don't!" L pleaded as he finally flung open the door to the man's chambers.
There they stood. Light next to Watari, one with a look of smug satisfaction and one with deep concentration, inspecting the object of L's horror, and Light's delight. It seemed it was already too late.
"Is something wrong, Ryuuzaki?" asked Watari as he looked up at the flushed and mortified man.
It was too late. The damage was done. Now they would all know what a horrible liar he was.
"Here are the test results, Mr. Yagami." Informed Watari as he handed the file to Light.
Light bowed and thanked him with a smug look on his face, sparing a glance at a cowering L at the corner of the room, hunched over in a shameful position, too fearful to even look up. L had abandoned the idea of the handcuffs after the shower. Light had almost broken his hand and then all that commotion about him being a girl and the then the dildo, after which, the handcuffs didn't seem to matter. The distance seemed to alleviate some of the detective's distress at least.
After a minute had passed, he dared look up at Light, who was silently stuttering over the sheet he was now examining.
"Wh-whu-wh-" the sound was far too reminiscent of the one made earlier in the shower.
"I told you." L stated meekly from pleading eyes. "Now every one knows my secret. Thank you, Light."
L wasn't sarcastic often, but the again, he was not pleased. At least Light had been proven wrong. Seeing Light squirm was almost worth it. Almost.