Cas stood in the middle of the Winchesters kitchen staring at the ingredients he had just bought and measured:
-1 pie crust ,
-1 3/4 cup pecan halves
-3/4 cup corn syrup
-1/2 cup dark brown sugar
-4 tablespoons butter
-1 teaspoon vanilla extract
-3 eggs
Just as Martha Stewart's Pie and Tarts book had stated.
His shopping trip had gone quite smoothly, he thought. He had wandered around the store, looking for the smaller quantities of the items written on his list until the worker had told him to buy the regular sizes and measure them himself, thus adding a kitchen scale to his list. He wasn't sure if he had done anything wrong by pushing the old woman, who was in front of him when he was ready to pay, but she had responded by uttering profanities at him. So maybe he had. He still needed Sam to help him fully understand humans.
Cas re-read the directions over and over, trying to understand them. He needed this pie to be perfect; he couldn't afford to make any mistakes. He had been feeling useless lately. Without his grace, he felt nothing but a burden to the Winchesters. They hadn't given him a reason to think so, of course. Quite the opposite, they had both taken him in and made him feel part of their little family.
But he couldn't hunt with them. Dean had been adamant about this. He wouldn't let Cas join them until he had learnt how to assemble guns, shoot the target without a single miss and recite the demon exorcism chant.
"Hey man, without your mojo, you're gonna need to know the exorcism spell before you step out of that door", Dean had said, his eyes narrowed with concern.
"But Dean, I can help now if you just ta-"Cas had tried to plead before Dean cut him off with a simple "No, Cas". His tone indicated the end of the discussion. In desperation, Cas had looked at Sam for help, but he cowered away behind his computer.
No one wanted to start a fight and Cas understood Dean's reasoning. He just thought Cas was too weak to be out in the field with them.
So when the Winchesters left early in the morning to investigate a series of what they deemed supernatural deaths, Cas had decided to bake Dean his favourite pie. The idea had popped into his thoughts when he was lying in his assigned room after a late night conversation with Sam.
As Dean had been withdrawn and moody the past few days, it had affected Cas' already jumbled up emotions. If he thought he felt when he was an angel, now as a human he could barely contain any of his feelings. Dean's needs had always been important to Cas, But now he sought to make him happy and comfortable at all times. But of course, their lifestyle wouldn't allow this and that deeply upset Cas.
"Sam, I need your help…again." Cas murmured, as he sat across from Sam, who had been reading a book. Sam gave him a small smile of reassurance.
"Is this about your feelings again?" he asked.
"I feel so much sadness and worry about Dean. I think he is very unhappy and weary. He barely eats and his eyes suggest he gets very little sleep. He hardly talks to me now too. We talked about things that he couldn't even talk to you about," Sam furrowed his brows, "but now when we're alone, he either leaves the room or looks at his computer without acknowledging my presence" Cas finished, his cobalt-blue eyes swimming in tears, which threatened to spill over.
Pressing the palm of his hands into his eyelids, Sam let out an exasperated sigh. "I swear living with you two sometimes.." he muttered. He knew what Cas was oblivious to and Dean was in denial of.
"Look, Cas. You feel this way because you care about Dean. You always have, I know that. But now it's heightened because you're human. Dean is Dean. He only talks about feelings when he wants to, you can't force him. Just show him you care, alright?" Sam replied, sliding his chair from the table and heading towards his room.
"Alright" Cas still didn't feel any better though and his dejected tone of voice showed it. Sam turned to look at him, taking in his hunched frame and miserable expression.
"Cas, some things I can't dictate to you and I won't get involved between you and your profound bond with Dean, but I will say this, do what you feel like doing for him, only you can know what that is" Sam said, and with a shrug, he sauntered off to his room.
Cas had gone back to his room and twisted and turned in his bed, unable to sleep. All he could think about was Dean just a few doors away from him. Maybe he was sleeping, finally. Or maybe he had overheard his conversation with Sam? He was terrified of that idea. So he stared at the ceiling. Until he decided he wanted to make Dean smile, so he would make him pie.
Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4
Cas eyed the oven he had been told about during the tour of the house. It looked like it had never been used before. Squinting at the dials, he bent down and turned the nob until the pointer was at 4. The oven immediately came to life; buzzing and flickering the lights inside on. Cas stood up straight, feeling a sense of small accomplishment, he smiled to himself.
2. Place the butter, corn syrup, vanilla extract and sugar into a saucepan then put the pan on the plate of a low heat stove
Glad he occasionally watched Dean cook, Cas flicked the gas on and a small blue flame lit up on one of the plates. He reached for a saucepan, examining it first, then placed it on the stove. He tentatively put all the required ingredients in. All the smells wafting in the air fascinated him; he flared his nostrils and inhaled.
3. When the butter has melted, remove the pan from the heat and leave to cool for 5-10 minutes.
Cas stared intently at the butter, waiting for it to melt. His eyes never moved from the pan, in case something went wrong and Dean couldn't get his pie.
Finally, the lump of butter turned into a yellow goo. He removed the pan and set it aside the stove. He checked the clock on the wall and timed how long to leave the pan for.
With minutes to spare, he looked around the kitchen; it seemed like half of his ingredients had scattered all over. Reaching for a cloth, Cas prepared to clean up when a sharp stab of pain pierced his skull. He gasped, clutched his head in pain, and with his eyes pinched shut, he sunk to the floor. It felt like a thousand explosions were happening in his head.
It wasn't the first time Cas experienced this. It happened frequently as it was once of the side effects of falling. The Winchesters only knew about three of these "headaches". He hadn't told them about the other five. Pain medication never worked as they subsided after a few minutes. So he had no choice but to endure those excruciating minutes.
Kneeling on the floor, Cas' breath came out short and jagged. He tried to think himself out of this pain faster, but he couldn't get past the white light of agony in his mind. His lips quivered, threatening to let out a scream, he bit into them until there was a vague taste of blood. His fingers dug into his head, almost leaving indentations. At that moment, he wished for death.
Several minutes passed until the pain abruptly stopped. His mind cleared and aside from the dull ache pulsating from his bitten lips, he felt normal again.
He got up from the floor, glancing at the clock. Seven minutes. He could get back to the pie.
4. Add the beaten eggs to the mixture and stir well.
Unsure of what "beaten eggs" meant, Cas shook each egg and squeezed the insides into the pan. Using a wooden spoon, he started stirring in irregular orbs until the eggs had blended in with the mixture.
With each step, Cas was satiated with a sense of satisfaction.
5. Set aside a small handful of the pecan nuts. Arrange the remaining pecan halves evenly in the pastry case and carefully pour over the syrup mixture.
6. Place into the preheated oven and bake for 40-50 minutes - the pie will be golden-brown, but the filling should still be slightly soft.
Cas handled the next instructions with ease and confidence. When he peaked into the oven and saw the pie, his pie, looking like the one in the book, he glowed with pride.
He might not have been able to hunt or smite demons, but he could do an intricate task. Every fibre in his body hoped Dean would love this surprise. There was nothing Cas wanted more than to see those striking emerald eyes light up with exultation. When it came down to what Sam had said, Cas had realised that he didn't need to clarify and understand his feelings towards Dean. He knew he wanted Dean to be happy, but not just happy any more. He wanted to be happy specifically because of him.
Since falling, Cas had battled with his guilt, depression and suicidal thoughts over his role in Metatron's actions. The first weeks, he rarely got out of bed. The Winchesters had talked at him, reassuring him they could fix his wrongs. But it had not helped him feel like living. It wasn't until one very late night, Dean Winchester walked into his room and sat on the edge of the bed. He thought Cas was asleep due to his uneven breathing, although that was Cas' intention, he didn't expect to hear him whisper into the night, the feelings he never said during the day:
"You son of a bitch. What have you gotten yourself into now, huh? Dammit. I try to tell you to just trust me, but you never listen now you're broken…again. And I'm here again, trying…I don't even know what I'm trying any more. Hell, I didn't know what to do with a broken angel once, but then you came around. Because that's who you were. Now, now you're human and I don't even know who you are, man. You're not really here, are you? It's like all the times I prayed to you but you never showed. Only now, you're right here, not going anywhere but you're so far gone, Cas. You're here but you've left me again"
Cas had heard sniffing then silence. But Dean never left. He could still feel him sitting there, in the darkness, with nothing more to say. He stayed until light seeped in through the door and curtains, then he quietly walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.
Cas never mentioned that he heard Dean, and Dean never mentioned his visit to Cas' room. A couple of days later, Cas emerged from his room, ready to learn to be human and to survive through his internal turmoil. Dean had eyed him suspiciously at first, but when Cas indicated no knowledge of his night visit, he let it go and started smiling and laughing again.
"I'm telling you, Sam, we're either dealing with a werewolf or an overly enthusiastic Labrador, and we both know that's unlikely" Dean's disembodied, gravelly voice snapped Cas out of his reverie. He glanced at the clock; only three minutes until the pie was done.
Now that Dean was here, he was overcome with nerves. He stood, frozen in the middle of the kitchen with oven mittens on his hands. He just wanted to get the pie; he just wanted to give Dean happiness.
The Winchesters carried on their conversation until one of them headed for their room, then there was silence once more. Cas wondered how to present the pie to Dean and what to say. His throat dried up; his insides turned to mush. Could he really do it? Could he really make Dean happy? Was he enough for him?
A loud ring broke the silence, causing Cas to jump and Sam to curse. Dean came running into the kitchen, a look of panic plastered on his face. His eyes widened when he saw Cas standing staring at him with oven mittens on his hands, surrounded by a mess of sugar, syrup and nuts.
"WHAT THE HELL, CAS?" Dean shouted, staring straight into Cas' eyes for the first time in days.
"I was baking" Cas' voice quavered as he bowed his head and stared at the floor. He suddenly felt… silly.
"I'm sorry, what?" Dean asked sounding genuinely confused. He moved closer to Cas; Cas' muscles tensed. Dean prodded at the sugar on the kitchen counters and kicked at the nuts on the floor. "I can't believe this", he muttered.
"What's going on?" Sam asked, walking into the kitchen. Like Dean, his eyes widened at the sight that lay in front of him. His eyes darted from the mess, to an anxious looking Cas and Dean, still examining the damage to the kitchen.
"I baked" Cas whispered, slightly looking up, but avoiding the eyes of the Winchesters. He moved to the oven and gingerly opened it.
The sweet aroma of pecan pie filled the kitchen. Dean gasped and Sam's mouth dropped open. Cas carefully lifted the tray and placed it on the side. All three eyes were on the straight-out-of-a-book, perfectly shaped pie. It looked heavenly and inviting. Cas glanced at the still open Martha Stewart book and saw that his pie looked just like the one in the picture. He grinned wildly.
"Wow, Cas. That's actually really great!" Sam exclaimed, moving towards the counter for a closer examination. Cas didn't reply, he turned to Dean instead.
Cas wasn't expecting this reaction! Dean looked…sad. Feeling Cas' stare, Dean looked up and the two simply gazed into each other's eyes. Both had so much to say, but neither knew how to say it or when to say it.
Cas was vaguely aware of Sam scuttling out of the kitchen. He gulped, about to say something, when Dean suddenly closed the gap between them and their lips collided.
Cas was drowning and Dean was the anchor dragging him further down. But Dean was also the lifejacket he clung onto to save him. He knew that if Dean was the wind, he was the tree dancing along to his rhythm. Importantly, Cas was fully aware that his heart was not his, but Dean's and in return, he had Dean's heart.
Dean and Cas could not get enough of each other. After years of watching each other's bodies from afar, they finally could explore every touch they thought about. Their hands travelled everywhere, like a thirsty man seeking to be quenched, they didn't know how to get the whole of each other all at once. They embraced each other, their bodies leaving no space in between because they had had enough of that.
When Dean's velvety lips parted Cas' and his tongue slid inside his mouth, Cas felt his limbs come undone. Dean's warm breath diffused into every cell in his body and he mourned in ecstasy. The sound he made shocked Dean and he pulled away. Cas blushed and avoided meeting his gaze. He felt Dean's strong, rough hand stroke his jawline then tilt his face towards him until all that was Cas could see was mesmerizing green.
"Cas", he whispered, his voice saturated with adoration, relief and happiness. He planted a soft, passionate kiss on Cas' lips which quickly turned ravenous.
7. Leave the pie to cool on a wire tray. As the pie begins to set, decorate the top with the reserved pecan halves. Serve in slices.
"I still need to decorate the pie" Cas murmured against Dean's lips. He felt Dean smile. They pulled apart from each other once more and Cas retrieved the remain pecan halves. Together, they decorated the pie. Constantly pausing to kiss each other.
The weight that had been on Cas' chest for a while now was finally lifted. Cas had lived a lifetime of loneliness, that he wasn't even aware of, until he gripped Dean Winchester tight and raised him from perdition all those years ago. Together, they had been through heaven, hell, and everything in between. They fought together; they fought against each other. They lost their family and friends; they lost each other. But they never gave up on each other and they never stopped loving each other.
"Will you cut me a slice?" Dean asked, winking and smirking at Cas.
"Of course" Cas replied, kissing Dean on the cheek. He cut a perfectly symmetrical piece, placed it on a plate and passed it to Dean.
Dean took a big bite off and mourned "just like how my mum used to make it".
As Cas watched Dean blissfully eat his pie, he believed he was ready to take on whatever they faced. And after, Cas would make sure he is there to cuddle Dean all night long and love him more than he believed capable of.