Just about to finish his day at the surgery, Martin was with a patient, an older woman.
Martin (losing his temper): No, Mrs. Johnson! You have to take the pills I prescribed you, one every eight hours. That means three times a day not three pills, once a day! Do I make myself clear?
Mrs. Johnson: Yes doctor, I will try to remember it.
Martin: I'll write it down so you don't forget.
Mrs. Johnson: Thank you doctor.
Martin: mmmh.
He replies without looking at her and writing something down.
Martin: Here you are, and ask Pauline for an appointment for 2 weeks to check on your progress.
Mrs. Johnson: I will doctor, thanks, bye
Martin: mmmh…
The old lady gets up and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Martin stays at his desk, writing in the patient notes, when he hears a knock on the door.
Martin: Come in!
The door opens and a pushchair enters followed by Louisa.
Louisa: Sorry if I'm interrupting you, Martin, but I have a meeting in Truro. It's urgent and I have to leave right now so you will have to take care of Carlos for a few hours.
Martin: But I have surgery!!!!
He screams quietly not to wake the baby, with his eyes opened and almost popping out.
Louisa: But Pauline just told me that Mrs. Johnson was your last patient for today?
Martin: Can you ask her to watch him? ….You know I'm not good at this!
Martin said this looking at the baby like he was a sleeping alien.
Louisa: I already did, but she said she has important things to do this evening like washing her hair so she will not be available.
Louisa rolled her eyes.
Martin: And Auntie Joan?
Martin's voice was despairing.
Louisa: She said she has a lot to do on the farm and she also said that it would be great for you and the baby to spent some time together, something about male bonding….and I agree!...It is just for a few hours Martin, don't worry! It will be fine.
Saying that, she starts to leave the room.
Martin: But…but…but (with his eyes opened in fear) Louisa!! I've never done this alone!!! You are always around. At least tell me what to do!
At this Louisa stops, Martin face changes to a relieved expression that lasts less than a second and is erased when he hears her next phrase,
Louisa: There is a "to do" list on the fridge magnet at home! You will find everything you need to know there!! See you later!....Oh and please try to make something for dinner !! I will come back starving!!!
Martin looks at the pushchair in disbelief. Inside, Carlos is sleeping, not knowing about Martin's despair. He sits down again in his chair, looking at the patient notes in front of him and trying to continue writing but the baby makes a noise and he jumps from his seat and looks at that creature with fear in his eyes. Martin's expression changes as he makes a decision and he takes the pushchair's handles, turns it around and leaves his office, going through to the empty waiting room, leaving the surgery and closing the door. As he looks for the keys to lock the door, the pushchair moves down hill.
Martin: OH GOD!!
Martin jumps to catch the pushchair and looks for some kind of brake on the pushchair but doesn't find it, so he traps it with one foot while he tries to lock the door. After he finishes this he heads down hill, to Louisa's house feeling very awkward pushing the pushchair
Penhale emerges from Bert's restaurant and calls Martin.
Penhale (shouting): DOC!!....HEY DOC!!
Martin stops and sets his foot under the shaft of the pushchair as a brake, looking at the baby to see if he's woken up. Carlos is still asleep so Martin turns around to give a killer look to Penhale.
Penhale is coming towards Martin and waving.
Penhale: Hey doc!!
Martin gestures to him to be quiet. As Penhale approaches Martin, he finally notices Martin's gestures, then almost whispering he repeats,
Penhale: Hey doc...why are we whispering?
Martin points to the pushchair with a very angry look on his face.
Penhale (still whispering): Oh..oh I see.
Meanwhile, a noisy motorbike passes, making Martin and Penhale jump and Carlos wakes up crying. Martin panics, looking at the baby, and doesn't have a clue what he should do. Penhale looks at him with the same expression in his eyes.
Penhale: Maybe you should pick him up?
Martin's expression suggested that he was looking at a mad man. He decides to continue walking hoping the rocking of the pushchair will make Carlos fall asleep again, at least until they arrive home where he would finally be able to read the famous 'to do' list. Martin starts walking and Penhale follows him, talking about some new safety plan to eradicate crime from Port Wenn's busy streets. Martin doesn't pay any attention to Penhale, he just walks as fast as he can with only one goal in mind; to read the damned list. Maybe there will be something on how to make the baby stop crying.
They are now almost at the pub, Penhale still following Martin, and the baby at this point is crying his eyes out. People are looking at Martin, amused and giggling. Martin stops, takes his mobile phone from his breast pocket and speed dials Auntie Joan.
AJ: Hello?
Martin (almost robot-like): Baby, crying in the street, people staring. What should I do?
AJ: Where is he?
Martin: In the street!
AJ: No Marty! I mean, where do you have him??
Martin: He is in the pushchair!
AJ: Take him out of the pushchair and hold him in your arms (she sniggers).
Martin: WHAT? Are you crazy? What if I drop him? Louisa Would KILL ME!
AJ: No Marty, you won't drop him. Hold him tight, not too tight, close to your chest. What he needs now is a warm place and a familiar scent to calm down and please try to calm down too!!
Martin: YES, yes! I'll try! (said in a very freaked out tone of voice).
AJ: I can't believe that you, a top vascular surgeon, who was able to operate on an open living heart, can't deal with a three-month-old baby!
In the middle of Auntie Joan's rant, Martin hangs up the phone and takes the baby out of the pushchair. He picks up the baby very awkwardly and holds him to his chest as firmly as he can and immediately Carlos starts to settle down. He stays that way for a moment until the baby is no longer crying but when he tries to put him back in to the pushchair he starts to cry more loudly than before. Martin takes the baby out again and holds him to his chest again. Penhale looks at Martin with a mixed expression of "I told you so" and "So cute" in his eyes that irritates Martin. Martin tries to push the pushchair at the same time as holding the baby but for him it is almost an impossible task to do, so he stops and looks at Penhale who offers to push the pushchair to Louisa's house. Both men and baby walk to Louisa's place under the amused eyes of everyone who passes them.
Penahle: The dynamic duo, together again!
Martin: Shut up! (looking at Penhale, wishing he'd drop dead in that instant)
Finally they arrive at Louisa's home. As they reach the front door, Martin notices that his set of keys are in the opposite pocket to his free arm and he can't reach them because of the baby. Carlos is almost asleep again so he tries to put the baby back in the pushchair but just the subtle movement off of Martin's chest makes Carlos start to cry again. Is it possible that I will have to carry him all evening? The idea leaves him worn out just thinking about it. He wonders how Louisa does it all the time and yet she makes it look so easy. He tries to reach for the keys again but it is impossible unless his arm was made of rubber. He looks desperately at Penhale and tells him to take the keys out of his trousers pocket and moves his hip to show him where. Penhale looks at him in disbelief and then lifts an eyebrow before he inserts his hand in to Martin's pocket. At that particular moment the group of giggling teenagers pass and watch the scene.
Girl 1: I told you they were queer!
Girl2: And with your son in your arms…you should be ashamed!!!
The whole group starts to laugh and giggle
Martin is appalled by the situation but finally Penhale finds the keys and takes them out of Martin's pocket with a triumphant gesture. Martin takes them from Penhale's hands brusquely and opens the door. Penhale pushes the pushchair inside and gives Martin a "mission accomplished" look. Martin shuts the door in his face.
Martin kicks the pushchair further inside to make some room and walks directly to the fridge to find the already infamous "to do list". Once he has it, his expression changes to a relieved one but just for a brief moment because after examining the piece of paper he realizes that the list is too small, a few pointers and nothing more. He starts to read the damn list:
Dear Martin:
Carlos is such a lovely and quiet baby boy, so surely he will not give you any trouble at all but just in case:
Babies cries for 3 reasons, at least Carlos does:
He is hungry. He is due to have his next bottle of milk at 6:00pm; warm the milk in the microwave oven, NOT more than 30 seconds, and before you give the milk to the baby test the warmth on your wrist, too warm may burn him and we don't want that so BE CAREFUL!! Martin reads this and screams desperately in his mind, 'What does she mean by "too warm"? I'm a scientist for god sake woman!! I need numbers and detailed descriptions not ambiguity.' Next he checks his wristwatch 5:30 pm, 30 minutes more…
He might need a change of nappy. Upstairs in the nursery you will find everything you need. You have seen me doing it a lot of times so it should be not a problem for you. Martin wonders if there is someone upstairs someone capable of doing it.
He might be tired, just put him in his cradle and he will fast asleep soon. 'This sounds very easy!' thinks Martin, 'great!'
You see, it's very easy! Don't worry everything will be just fine, I'll be back at 8:00pm, don't wait for me to eat, we don't want you to eat after 6:30pm ;) 'What does she mean with semicolon and back parentheses?' wonders Martin.
Love Martin's heart fills with joy as he reads this; such a simple word yet it makes him feel complete.
Louisa
He examines the piece of paper again, frowning, then turns it over searching for some more instructions, but there is nothing.
Martin: This woman must be out of her mind!
Meanwhile, Carlos is fast asleep, draped over Martin, unaware of what's happening around him. Martin, very gently puts him back in the pushchair. This time Carlos continues sleeping which gives Martin some kind of relief. He walks to the sofa, drops on to it like a sack of potatoes, loosens his tie a little, unbuttons the collar of his shirt, takes a deep breath, sighs and stays there for a while resting his head on the sofa's back, looking at the ceiling for answers.
Like clockwork, Carlos wakes up at 6:00 pm. He starts making some noise but Martin doesn't hear because he is lost in his thoughts. Quickly the noises become crying. That makes Martin jump from the sofa, clear his throat, check his watch, look at the baby for a moment and go to the fridge to find the bottle of milk. He looks at the bottle as if it's something that he's never seen before then puts it in the microwave, fighting with the microwave to set it for enough time. The microwave starts but he has set it for the wrong time so the milk has been in for more than 30 seconds. After the microwave finishes, he opens the oven and burns his fingers when he touches the bottle of milk.
Martin: Ouch! That must be what Louisa meant by 'TOO WARM'!
Taking a cloth from the kitchen, and wrapping the bottle to avoid burning his hand again, he puts the bottle under cold water to cool it down. Carlos continues crying his eyes out, harder than before. Martin hurries, lifting his jacket and shirtsleeves to test the milk on his wrist. It feels ok and he tries to give it to the baby, putting the rubber nipple near to his mouth but the baby turns his head to the opposite side. Martin tries again and the same thing happens. Martin tries several times without success then he remembers the list. Taking the baby out of the pushchair to try to stop him crying, Martin notices a foul smell. Bringing Carlos near to his face, he wrinkles his nose in disgust.
Martin: OH GOD! How can a creature as tiny as you smell so horribly!
The baby looks at him and for a moment stops crying and focuses on Martin's expression (a cross between disbelief and grumpiness). He takes the baby upstairs to the nursery where he finds nappies, lotions, powders and all the things he could possibly need. He puts the baby on the changing table, takes off the dirty nappy, almost vomiting with the smell and the sight of the poop, cleans the baby using baby wipes, feeling like he was facing a bucket full of blood, concentrating as if he was in the operating theatre. After he thinks he's finished, he lifts the baby from the table to check his work. The nappy slips off the baby who then pees over Martin's immaculate jacket. Martin closes his eyes as he feels the liquid running through the fabric of his jacket, counts to ten, remembers Louisa's list, mumbles something and puts the baby back on the table. He grabs a baby wipe to try to clean his jacket but realizes that it will have to go to the dry cleaners. Martin puts another nappy on the baby, this time being careful to make it tight enough so the nappy doesn't fall down, dresses the baby and takes him downstairs.
Now Carlos has settled down, Martin leaves him in the pushchair, and looks for the bottle of milk only to find it cold, so he fights with the microwave again but this time he succeeds; 30 seconds later the milk is warm enough. He tests it on his wrist as the note said and. feeling like he has accomplished the most difficult operation that he has to do in his life, Martin tries to feed the baby, but again he doesn't want it. Martin tries again and again and nothing, Carlos won't cooperate. Martin looks at his son in the pushchair and talks to him,
Martin: Please, Carlos, it is time for you to drink your milk. That way you will be well nourished, grow up healthily and eventually you will be able to do it yourself.
Carlos starts crying and Martin takes him out of the chair, walks to the sofa, sits down on it and tries to feed Carlos in his arms. This works perfectly. Part way through the bottle, Carlos becomes very unsettled and Martin remembers that Louisa puts him over her shoulder and pats his back until he burps. Martin does the same and a few minutes later Carlos burps but also vomits, putting white, rancid, smelly milk over his jacket. Martin leaves the baby on the sofa for a moment and takes off the jacket, thinking that he might throw it away. He takes Carlos in his arms again to finish his milk but before that happens Carlos is fast asleep again. Martin walks with him to his cradle but as soon as he leaves him there, Carlos starts to cry. Martin jumps back and takes him out. The baby calms down and Martin decides to sit with him on the sofa until he is fully asleep and then put him back in the cradle. They sit down on the sofa and the baby is asleep over Martin chest and between his arms. Minutes later both are fast asleep.
When Louisa arrives, she enters the house expecting to find some kind of disaster or for Martin to be as angry as hell. Instead the house is silent and very peaceful. Quietly she enters to find Carlos and Martin sleeping on the sofa. She tries to lift Carlos to put him in his cradle but Martin wakes up scared.
Louisa (whispering): So? What's for dinner?
Martin just rolls his eyes.
THE END