Authors Note: I did not come up with Sirius' pick up lines, so I cannot take credit for them, and neither did I create the replies to the lines. Much thanks to Angel of the Night Watchers, who gave me the idea for this one-shot and also edited it.
Ten Ways To Be Rejected By Lily Evans
Lily Evans was walking down the hallway towards the Gryffindor Common Room when she heard a 'Psst! Lily!'. She stopped walking and looked around. Sirius Black's head popped out from behind a statue. Lily blinked.
"Was that you?" Lily asked. Sirius nodded and gestured for her to follow him into a nearby empty classroom. With a sigh, Lily followed. "What do you want, Black? I have homework to finish."
"No you don't." Sirius replied. Lily frowned.
"How did you know that?" She demanded. Sirius shrugged.
"It's the same exuse you used to use to try to get rid of Prongs."
"Oh." Lily and James had begun dating after Christmas break of this year, their seventh and final year. She had discovered, and much to her amazement, that James Potter was actually a nice person when he wasn't doing something to Severus Snape or some other Slythrin.
"Anyway, I need your help." Sirius went on. Lily raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.
"Help with what exactly?" Lily asked slowly. "I have all ready told you that I will not participate or in any other way help any prank of yours, Black."
"I know, I know. But that's, ah, not what I needed help with." Sirius suddenly became very interested in the tops of his shoes.
"What then?" Lily queried, her brow furrowed. Sirius mumbled something uncomprehensible. "Come again?"
"I said, I need help getting a girl." Sirius said, blushing slightly. Lily stared at him a moment before bursting out laughing. Sirius became indignant. "What's so funny!?"
"Nothing! It's just that you," Lily had to pause to laugh some more. "The infamous Sirius Black," More laughter. "Unable to get a girl!" Lily was now doubled over laughing. Sirius raked a hand through his hair.
"It is not amusing, Lily! I really need your help!" Sirius exclaimed. Lily was slowly able to stop laughing.
"Why do you need my help? Why not ask James or Remus?" Lily asked with a cock of her head.
"One, James would be laughing worse than you were, I expect, and I know that he does have homework to be done. Two, Remus has never asked a girl out, and therefore would be of no use in this matter. And third, you are a female, therefore you know how female's think, and you are extremely adept at refusing a male's suit." Sirius explained.
"I see." Lily mused. She thought for a moment. "All right, I'll help. Who is your poor innocent victim this time?" Sirius was indignant at her description of his current fancy, but didn't say anything lest Lily withdraw her much needed offer of aid.
"Guinevere Holmes, she's a seventh year Ravenclaw." Sirius informed. Lily grinned.
"Ah, yes, Guinevere Holmes. She was my Arithmancy partner last year; she's very smart. A piece of advice: don't irritate her. Guinevere is extremely intellegent, even for a Ravenclaw, and her friends are as well. They can make your life a living hell and you wouldn't even know it was them."
"Yeah, so I was told."
"How exactly do you need my help?" Sirius straightened.
"I want to practice my pick up lines. I need you to give me an honest reaction." Lily nodded.
"All right." Sirius cleared his throat and began.
"Where have you been all my life?" Lily grinned.
"Hiding from you. Next." Lily replied.
"Right, um.... Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore." Sirius searched his mind for more.
"Is this seat empty?" Sirius asked.
"Yes, and this one will be if you sit down." Was the quick reply. "Try again."
"Are they really that bad?" Sirius asked.
"Not bad, just overused. Try for something original." Lily said.
"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine." This was just too easy for Lily.
"So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a female impersonater."
"Hey baby, what's your sign?"
"Do not enter." Lily replied. "Another piece of advice: never call Holmes 'baby' if you wish to live."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Keep going, I'm getting the hang of this!" Lily said with a large smile. Sirius sighed. At least she was happy.
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
"Unfertilized." Lily giggled at Sirius' astonished face.
"Lily!" Sirius exclaimed.
"What? I gave an honest answer, just like you wanted. And don't look so appalled that I said that. You are spoiled, living with the Potters, never having to hear about a woman's period, or cramping, or..."
"Stop, stop, stop! I don't want to hear anymore!" Sirius exclaimed, hands over his ears. Lily just laughed.
"Just keep going, Black." Lily said.
"Your body is a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today." Lily replied. "But that one wasn't that bad." Sirius brightened at that.
"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"But would you stay there?"
"Before I tell you my last line, I would like to point out that I would never attempt to do it, nor would I ever tell you this in real life." Lily raised an eyebrow.
"What is this, an alternate reality?" Sirius blinked.
"Well, no, but you know what I mean!" Lily chuckled.
"Go on, Black." Sirius took deep breath and took a step backwards before telling her his last pick-up.
"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Sirius said, taking yet another step backwards. Lily looked shocked. Slowly, the shock faded away and was replaced by a devious smile. Sirius hated that smile. It usually indicated that she had some diabolical plan up her sleeve.
"If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Lily retorted. Sirius gasped in mock agony, putting a hand over his heart.
"You wound me so, Lily!" Sirius said. Lily laughed.
"Well, you wanted an honest reaction!" And then James walked in, the Marauders Map in hand.
"Mischief managed." James muttered. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" James slung his arm around his girlfriends shoulders.
"I don't know why you would do that when you have the map." Sirius said.
"You missed all the fun, James!" Lily exclaimed.
"Did I?"
"Yes!" Lily enthused. "Black was using me as a test subject for his new pick up lines." James laughed.
"Really, now? How were they?" James asked. Sirius looked slightly uncomfortable.
"Needed some work, but they could have been worse."
"Your girlfriends one tough critic, Prongs! She only liked one!" Sirius informed.
"You are just now figuring this out? Padfoot, she's been rejecting me for the past three years." James said.
"Hey! I had good reason to reject you! You were a prat!" Lily defended. Sirius made a face as James kissed Lily soundly.
"Honestly, Prongs! Get a room!" Sirius exclaimed. The grin Lily gave Sirius was nothing short of cheeky.
"We are in a room, Black, and we'd be alone if you would leave." Lily said innocently. James laughed and Sirius groaned and sulked out of the classroom.
"That's my Lily-flower!" James said. Lily smacked James upside the head.
"How many times have I told you not to call me 'Lily-flower'!"
"I don't know, I haven't counted." James replied innocently. Lily scowled, but there was a twinkle in her eye.
"Oh, come on, James. Remus is waiting for us in the Common Room." Lily said, leading James out of the room. James followed willingly with a laugh. It never was boring at Hogwarts.