A/N: Well...I guess you could call this my feeble attempt at reentering the fanfiction scene.To all the poor people out there who might actually still be watching for my author alerts and were expecting something Dead or Alive, I apologize. To Twilight series fans: I have a confession to make. I actually didn't like the first book a whole lot sheepish smile But the second one had a lot more emotional torment, and to me, well... I like it better when things aren't easy :) So I appreciated New Moon a lot more... Not to mention it kind of struck on a personal note with me...Anyways... I'll be done now...
Disclaimer: Don't be silly...
Static Existence
Nights were always the hardest: Especially during that time period when I was too tired from exhausting every avenue of distraction I could imagine, and yet at the same time too awake, too aware to fall immediately asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. I suppose it was just one of the many consequences that came from walking around all day without feeling anything at all...
Just another consequence of being a zombie...
Because in the middle of the night, in the dark, there was nowhere I could hide: There were no more distractions in the black, nothing I could bury my mind in until I was perfectly numb. In the stillness, there was plenty of room to think... which if you were me, was a very bad thing.
Especially since the first thing I would always think about was how his stone body used to make the perfect imprint in the other side of my bed, so cold, and yet so comforting. Then I would think about how much I missed him, how much I could use the comfort.
And then it would begin... The thought process that, once started, seemed as though it was impossible to stop.
Once I acknowledged that I missed him, that there was a reason to miss him, I had to acknowledge he was gone... And once I acknowledged that, I had to acknowledge why.
Of course he was gone. Why wouldn't he be? I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I had been so shocked by his words, by the hard, cold look in his eyes.
"You... don't... want me?"
"No."
No.
No.
No No No No! No, he didn't. And that was REAL. Painfully scorchingly REAL and that was always the part when the hole he left in my chest would start to ache and burn and rip at my physical body like it was actually torn into my ribcage, right through muscle and bone... right into my heart.
And that's when the tears would start: Quietly at first, and as the train of thought continued, they would slowly build in to loud, ripping sobs that shook my whole body, my bed, everything. Whenever I actually allowed my mind to wander this particular path, it felt like my entire world trembled.
The worst part was that it made so much God damned sense. I mean, why not, right? He was beautiful... Even in my feeble human mind I could still see the perfect angular planes of his face, his messy copper-blond hair, and those deep, dark, molten gold eyes that bore into mine, once warm, now dull and hard... like it didn't matter... Like I didn't matter... And then there was me. Plain, wavy, dark hair. Plain, dull, now lifeless dark eyes... His perfection in comparison with my... utter humanity.
At this point... I was absolutely sure that any distraction he could find outside of Forks would easily fill whatever small dent I had put in his completely wonderful life. And it killed... It permeated my every thought and muscle and movement.
I would picture him in my mind, starting a new life somewhere, finding so many reasons to smile, to live like I hadn't since he left me standing in the forest dazed and empty. I pictured him wrapping his arm around a girl gorgeous enough to really be a match for him, maybe a vampire herself, and smiling at her with that smile, that LOOK that he used to reserve only for me.
And that killed too... that was probably the part that killed the most.
It was always the part that made me realize that, no matter what I did, no matter how long I sat in this tiny town waiting, I would never be... that girl... I would never be the one that everyone stopped and stared and said "Wow... she's beautiful," or "Wow... don't they look amazing?"
No, that wasn't me. It never would be. I would never be beautiful, I could never imagine attaining to that kind of perfection. I would never ever be HER, and I didn't even know who SHE was. I would never be whole... Never.
Never.
Never.
And these were the thoughts that broke me down, pouring salt and lemon juice into the wounds, into the hole in my chest. These were the thoughts that stole my breath except for the ragged, harsh sobs that ripped across my chest. It really was amazing; Charlie never even came in to check on me anymore. He'd grown accustomed to the sound.
It all came down to the fact that he was gone. He had left. He had left ME. He had said it himself. There was no point in waiting... in clinging to this old, dead scab...
"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back..."
'Don't say that... Don't say that! You can't possibly mean that...'
"It will be as if I never existed..."
'But if you don't exist... How am I supposed to exist?"
My heart kept beating because I knew it wasn't true... I was able to go on every day because I knew that all those memories I kept locked away in the corner of my mind weren't just beautiful dreams I'd had to stave off the nightmare of reality. But at the exact same time, those memories were the ones that would tear my heart open night after night, and reduce me to a quivering mess on the verge of complete hyperventilation... on the verge of complete insanity.
Eventually my tears and my thoughts would lull me to sleep, into the nightmares that always always plagued my dreams. The next morning I would awake, screaming and crying until I was able to subdue myself into complete numbness... The kind that got you through the day without you even remembering that there had been a day at all.
And this was what was left in his wake: Emptiness.
A shadow of what I once was, fading in and out as though I wasn't real...
This was my life in his absence: A Static Existence.