Summary: Balthazar's two cents on Castiel, his unhealthy attachment to certain humans and subsequent (or perhaps consequent) rebellion against Heaven.
Warnings: Alludes to one-sided Destiel and pre-slash. Spoilers possibly up to and inc. s06e20.
Balthazar doesn't hate humans the way some of the more zealous angels do, but neither does he adore them with every fibre of his being the way God - and now Castiel, too - seem to, either.
On the one hand, humans are only simple, vaguely annoying little animals. Glorified monkeys, really.
But on the other hand, they're certainly useful sometimes and can be quite entertaining. For the most part, they're also much less hung up on rules and regulations than the angels upstairs are, and are quite easy to tame – or befriend, if you prefer a more PC term – so that they happily do anything a crafty angel could want.
Despite their amusement value, though, Balthazar cannot for the life of him fathom what it is specifically about the Winchesters that has Castiel so completely and utterly besotted.
Not that he's complaining about the end results of Castiel's obsession and eventual rebellion, of course, because without his help, the Winchesters wouldn't have been able to stop the apocalypse and Lucifer and Michael would still be going at it like the spoiled brats Balthazar sometimes dares think of them as.
Still, the puzzle of Castiel's obsession has no obvious answer, and Balthazar doesn't really like that. If he doesn't know what makes Castiel tick anymore, he can't predict his actions.
Castiel has good intentions - of that he's sure - but Balthazar knows well what road is paved with those and he kind of has a soft spot for the naive little bugger, so ideally doesn't want him to end up doing something irrevocably stupid for those bloody humans. Who would bail Balthazar out from whatever trouble he's in if Castiel isn't around to do it, I-Am-Disappointed bitchface and all?
Castiel definitely needs someone to watch out for him, and Balthazar suppose that's going to have to be him.
He can sort-of almost not-quite grasp what it is about Dean Winchester that has Cas making googly eyes – the guy is a tank, both physically and mentally. Sure, he ended up breaking in Hell, but he lasted a thousand times longer than the average human, and even a couple of times longer than most angels would, had they been in the same situation.
Plus, does that kid ever have a mouth on him, and that is worthy of respect. Dean has suggested things for Balthazar to do that he hadn't even thought of, let alone thought physically possible. It was somewhat disappointing that Dean's lyrical ability with insults was not one that Castiel had picked up in his make-like-a-stray-puppy role. Not for lack of trying - but honestly - ass-butt? It just goes to show, truly inspiration talents cannot be learned: they are something one is born either with or without.
And so Balthazar can almost respect Dean - Dean, who overcomes the fact that he is dumb as driveway gravel and still manages to get his way; Dean, who seems to, like Balthazar, understand and appreciate the finer things in life - even if his alcoholic tastes are beyond appalling; and finally Dean, who has been steadily working on removing that stick lodged in Cas's butt. So yeah, Dean's not so bad. of course, you'll never get that out of Balthazar, and he'll deny it til he's blue in the face.
Sam Winchester, however, is as different to Dean as day is to night, and so Balthazar can't easily forgive the same level of stupidity when showcased by the younger, (supposedly) smarter brother.
Sam has always struck Balthazar as a kind of brat, and it's not surprising that Lucifer's chosen vessel has a giant inferiority complex due to being the younger brother. One could say it's not the kid's fault that his controlling father and brother nudged him into the rebellious little sulk that he ended up in, but that doesn't change the fact that Balthazar thinks he is better than Sam because he, at least, is open about his misdemeanours, and doesn't hide behind a curtain of denial. His rule of thumb since Cas's rebellion is: do whatever the fuck you want, but don't try to pretend whatever selfish shit you're doing is for the greater good. That's how all this crap with Uriel, Zachariah, Michael and the rest of the god-squad got started - and thank lord those guys aren't holding auditions, because Sam Winchester would pass with flying colours. All that misguided righteousness? All that end-justifies-the-means crap? Yeah, right up their alley.
In another life, Sam could have been any one of those holier-than-thou zealots that the Winchesters are so intent on bringing down, and Balthazar cannot understand why Castiel doesn't see the absurdity in that.
Together, the infamous Winchester brothers make up quite the team. Brawn and brains; righteous and corrupted; stupid and stupider.
Despite their differences, the one thing they have in common is their unhealthy obsession with each other. What the hell is that all about, anyway? Yeah, Balthazar is familiar with all that brought-together-by-adversity pop psychology crap, but even that can't possibly explain why their entire worlds revolve around each other - can it?
All humans - and indeed all intelligent beings - weigh things up in terms of quantity or quality. Person A might sacrifice ten strangers to save a loved one, because the loved one is more valuable than ten strangers - but they might hesitate at sacrificing twenty innocent strangers. Person B might sacrifice a hundred, but say no to five hundred. Person C might go so far as a thousand, but balk at a million.
Sam and Dean Winchester are different from the rest of humanity because they would gladly sacrifice every single one of the billions of souls who have ever lived, do live or ever will live, and that's a part of what makes them painfully dangerous to life as we know it.
The other part, of course, is the fact that their choices and decisions, unlike those of other humans, actually matter in the grand scheme of things. When Dean sells his soul to bring back his baby brother from the dead - well he's not just any old soul in the Pit, is he? No, Dean gets the VIP treatment and Alastair himself takes it upon himself to break him. And when Dean eventually succumbs to Hell, he's not just another broken soul on his way to becoming a full fledged demon - no, he's broken the first seal that binds Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.
There is no denying that in the Who's Who of Heaven (or Hell), Sam and Dean Winchester are A Big Deal. Balthazar doesn't, however, think that makes them interesting enough to devote oneself to, the way Castiel has.
Granted, since his disillusionment with God, Castiel does have an open position for a Boss Man in his life and Dean Winchester appears to have scored himself the job, judging by the besotted way Cas stares at him. And the way he threw away hundreds of years of camaraderie with his fellow angels after a mere few months with Dean.
Then there's the thing with the demon Crowley.
Balthazar knows he shouldn't point fingers about shady deals, but really, what in Heaven does Castiel think he's doing?
Either he's trying to pass some sort of weird Winchester Family initiation rite in which he makes a deal with a demon, or else Castiel is honestly so caught up in trying to protect his new-found Lord and Master that he would rather ask for the help of a lying, treacherous snake like Crowley than burden HRH Dean Winchester.
While option one is a perfectly legit theory, Balthazar is inclined to assume option two is the reality. That's just the sort of thing that happens when you take an ordinary but righteous being, give him powers and/or rank greater than before and then put before him a dilemma with only morally ambiguous solutions immediately apparent. It always ends the same way. It starts with the desire to do good, becomes unshakable self-confidence and contempt for advice and ends with a monster worse than the original problem. Look at Sam Winchester.
Castiel was doomed to this path from the start, but that's okay because Balthazar knows how this pathetic little tale will end: it's going to involve lots of sorrys and tears and awkward feet-shuffling. They'll probably make an inspiring chick flick about it, and Balthazar will have to go back in time and try to prevent Castiel from ever developing a man-crush on Dean.
Then, of course, the Apocalypse would probably still happen, and that's probably a bad thing.
Balthazar sighs and resigns himself to watching Castiel go dark side. This good-guy-gone-bad schtick better be over soon. Maybe then Castiel will go back to mooning over Dean Winchester and saving the world.
end