I wasn't ready. But again, who would be ?
I thought we were at the prime of our relationship. I thought we would do every single thing together. But we won't.
You disappeared on a Tuesday. I will always remember that. No text, call, mail or note left. Just a plain disappearance, as if you had never existed. I called your friends, your family. If they know something, they didn't let it through. My whole world was burning down to pieces. How much time had passed ? I don't know. Days, weeks, months probably, or even years. I had spent each one of them wandering, a lifeless body without goal nor destination. I could not fix myself up and move on. You were everywhere, in all the places, all the faces I looked at. I could not forget you. I could not forgive you for leaving me. I could not forgive me for letting you go. Then one day, a single piece of cardboard in my mailbox. You offered to meet me at the train station. And I ran to you like a needy child runs towards his mother. I ran to you and you were standing there, tall, your fiery gray eyes melting my heart. Your fair hair and skin made you look like an angel to me. And I believed you were.
But then that little being took a step on your side. It looked quite like you. It was a girl. Such a small girl. Platinum blonde. Gray eyes. The only difference was her round face compared to your pointy chin. Nothing of my green eyes, of my tan skin, nothing of my tangled dark hair.
You looked at me with pity. For me, for you. As the tears started to stream down my face, you hugged me. I didn't hug you back. You said you were sorry. Kept repeating you wanted this to happen another way. You explained you had met that girl. You slept once with her. Unprotected. She had wanted to keep the baby. You faced your responsibilities. But you were too ashamed to tell me back then. Now you were coming back because you loved me, had always wanted to raise children with me. You wanted me to accept that child as mine. And I would. I would have done anything to stay with you. For you to love me. And the hurt while looking at her. Knowing I would be the father of our girl. But that in a way that child would never be mine.
You released your clinch, and I was overwhelmed by the pain. I lost it all. All our good memories thrown at my face. All our bad too. Our fights, our threats, our doubts.
And yet here we were. All my demons assaulting again. I just wanted to die. For you doubting me. I wanted the pain to be physical. Manageable. I was hating you for putting me in that state. Hating you for making me love you. Hating me for loving you too. For my strength to cary on, my weakness to need you. But I would live that life with you, as I did with the previous and as I'll do with the next one. You are my soulmate, and I am ready to stay with you whatever it takes, even if it means walking head high through hell and worse. Because I love you. Like you will never understand and never do.