A/N: This is my first attempt at a Big Bang Theory story, so please bare with me the challenges that I face while trying to make this a realistic story. I imagine Lilly looking like Lilly Singh but with Sheyla Hershey's bust size when she was a FFF cup, Kelly Lee Dekay's figure, Ben Woolf's height, and very long and thick eyelashes.
I sighed as I walked up the stairs with my friends Leonard and Sheldon. We had just gotten back from the sperm bank, which they totally ditched due to Sheldon not being very confident that his sperm would give birth to a toddler who doesn't know if he or she should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve based on the fact that his sister Missy hostesses at Fuddruckers.
"Are you still mad about the sperm bank?" Sheldon asked.
"No." Leonard said exasperatedly.
"You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?" Sheldon said randomly.
"Not really." Leonard said. He sounded like he was done with this. I bet he was still disappointed at the fact that he couldn't get that extra money for the fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. I yearn for faster downloads as well.
"If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip." Sheldon ignored Leonard's comment or just didn't care. Probably a combination of the two.
"I don't care," Leonard whined before pulling a 180, "Two millimeters? That doesn't seem right."
"No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I saw twelve, my father broke his clavicle and Lilith didn't have a problem with it whatsoever because of how high she already lifts her feet and lowers them closer to her body when she is going up and down the stairs respectively." Sheldon explained.
"Is that why they sent you two to boarding school?"
"No, that was the result of his work with lasers. I was there because I wanted to support Shelly." I smiled as we finally got to our floor.
We stopped to see a very beautiful blonde girl in my apartment looking at a magazine or a catalog.
"New neighbor?" Leonard asked.
"Evidently." Sheldon said and they both turned to me.
"Hey," I held my hands up as a sing of defense, "There was nothing in that friendship agreement that said that I had to tell you guys whenever I got a new roommate."
"Significant improvement over the old neighbor." Leonard noted.
"Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is." Sheldon said bluntly.
"I happened to like him. He was great for my views and was a good roommate." I said.
She turned to us, probably from the noise or just sensing that she was being tolded about, causing both males to turn their heads.
"Oh, hit!" She said.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Hi?" She questioned. Yeah, if I were you I would too sweetheart. Come to think of it that's how my first interaction with Leonard went.
"We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall." Leonard said, moving closer.
"Oh, that's nice." She cooed.
"Oh... uh... no... we don't live together... um... we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms." Leonard said awkwardly.
"They aren't a gay couple, they're just roommates." I clarified.
"Oh. okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor, Penny." She said.
"Leonard, Sheldon." Leonard introduced himself and his roommate.
Then they went through the "Hi" thing again.
"Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building." Leonard said.
"Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime." Penny smiled.
"Oh great."
"Great."
"Great."
"Great. Well, bye." Leonard said.
"Bye."
"Bye."
"Bye."
"Hi," I stepped into the doorway before it closed behind me, "I'm Lilith, your new roommate, but everyone just calls me Lilly." I smiled.
"This is a very nice apartment that you have. It's so clean." Penny smiled back, shaking my hand.
"Yes, well, you can do whatever you want, just don't go into my room. It's my one rule. You can go in there if there's an emergency or if I invite you in." I said as I gestured to the door that lead to my room.
"One rule, very simple. I guess celebrities like their privacy." Penny smiled.
"You read my article on the progression of female medieval characters, such as Morgan le Fay, from background character to antagonist to modern feminist/pseudo-protagonist through the different mediums of literature, art, motion picture, and television series?" I asked, curious as to what she meant by that sentence.
"Huh?" Penny blinked at that, probably completely lost after the word 'article'.
"It was an article that I wrote to show women in stories went from meek little things that are barely mentioned to being evil witches to being kickass bitches." I explained.
"I... might actually want to read that," Penny offered, grinning, "That sounds awesome."
"Thank you. But if you weren't referring to that, what were you referring to?" I asked.
"Aren't you Neptune Lilith Singh? The famous actress/model/singer?" Penny asked.
"You also forgot YouTube personality, vlogger, rapper, motivational speaker, dancer, comedian, and I do a little teaching and being a librarian at Caltech while working part-time at the Cheesecake Factory. By the way, I'm so glad that you got the job!" I hugged her and we both squealed.
"I was so worried that you were going to be this out of control Hollywood starlet but you're so nice." Penny smiled as they heard a knock on the door.
"Well, I've got to go change into something a little less waitressy." I said, gesturing to the uniform that I wore at the Cheesecake Factory.
"You go do that." Penny smiled as she went to go answer the door.
I went into my room and changed into a black wife beater and blue jeans. I brushed my hair to get the knots out and try to straighten it out into a neat braid more before putting on a plain grey cap. I put on a pair of black sneakers. I walked over to my mirror and was satisfied with my appearance. I walked out and saw that Penny and the boys were leaving.
"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" Penny asked as I shut the door.
"Well, today we tried masturbating for money." Sheldon blurted out. I swear it's like that guy has no filter.
Penny turned to me. I'm guessing that I'm now the personal translator for her.
"They went to go to donate to a sperm bank, but backed out due to Sheldon not wanting ti take the chance that any offspring would end up like his sister." I ssaid.
"Ah." Penny nodded.
"Okay, well, make yourself at home." Leonard said as we got into the apartment.
"Okay, thank you." Penny said as she began looking around.
"You're very welcome." Leonard took off his bag and set it down. He looked over at Sheldon who made a sour face.
"This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?" Penny asked, gesturing to Sheldon's board.
"Actually that's my work." Sheldon went over to his board.
"Wow." Penny was amazed.
"Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, with-"
"With a little string theory doodling around the edges. And that part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation." I interrupted Sheldon who frowned at me. "Don't make me come when you attempt to donate sperm Sheldon, it makes me very uncomfortable when I have to wait outside of an office and get strange stares from people walking by. You know how I feel about the male reproductive system."
"I apologize for that but what you did was just uncalled for. It's rude to interrupt someone." Sheldon complained.
"It's also rude to interrupt someone who was working just so they can go to the sperm bank with you." I countered.
"I thought that you'd enjoy this experience Lilly. It would make an excellent anecdote for your vlog and students." Sheldon said.
"You're lucky you're cute." I said as I turned around to see Penny's shocked face at the board. I bet she didn't even hear our conversation.
"So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys." Penny asked.
"Yeah." Sheldon and I agreed.
"This is really impressive." Penny said. I'm guessing that she isn't a physicist or has gone into a science field.
"I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board." Leonard said, gesturing to his board. Lenny, sweetheart, you're trying too hard.
"Holy smokes." Penny walked over to his board.
"If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure." Sheldon said.
"What?" Leonard scoffed.
"Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below 'here I sit broken hearted'?" I asked.
"At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out."
"We didn't invent them, they're there." Sheldon said.
"In what universe?" Leonard scoffed.
"In all of them, that's the point." I said.
"Uh, do you guys mind if I start?" Penny asked as she gestured to the food.
Oh crap, she's in the wrong seat.
"Um, Penny, that's where I sit." Sheldon said.
"So, sit next to me." Penny smiled, not realizing what was going on.
"No, I sit there." Sheldon said after a pause.
"What's the difference?" She said the phrase which should never be asked in the presence of the overlord of the Cartesian coordinate plan 0, 0, 0, 0.
"What's the difference?" Sheldon repeated.
"Here we go." Leonard muttered as he sat in his seat.
"In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. IT faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I've made my point." Sheldon said.
Penny looked at me.
"He loves that seat the way that the Trix Rabbit is with Trix cereal." I said, taking my seat at the counter.
"Do you want me to move?" Penny asked, a bit distorted no doubt.
"Well-"
"Just sit somewhere else." Leonard suggested almost beggingly.
"Fine." Sheldon said after making different faces and he began wandering in circles, looking like a lost puppy. It was almost cute.
"Sheldon, sit!" Leonard raised his voice, causing the man to sit down on the far right side of the couch.
"Aaah!" Sheldon said, trying to sound like he liked it.
"Well this is nice," Leonard said as we grabbed our forks and food, "We don't have a lot of company over."
"That's not true." Sheldon remarked, "Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time and so does Lilly."
"Yes I know, but.."
"Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning." Sheldon said as I raised my arms in a victory pose.
"Lilly's the undefeated champion next to Shelly." I smiled.
"Yeah, I remember." Leonard said, trying to drop the subject.
"I resent you saying we don't have company." Sheldon said quickly.
"I'm sorry."
"That is an antisocial implication."
"I said I'm sorry." Leonard snapped.
"That doesn't change the fact that I spend more time here with you guy than I do in my own apartment." I turned to Sheldon, "Shelly this is a bad joke that is rhetorical," I turned back to Leonard, "I should move in here so I can stop paying rent for a place I only use to sleep in. I can sleep on the couch here and still live my daily life the same way."
Sheldon let out a forced laugh which caused me to smile.
"So," Penny tried to break the ice, "Klingon boggle?"
"Yeah, it's like regular boggle, but, in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you." Leonard said.
"Um, me, okay I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know." Penny started. Yay! Finally someone to read my horoscopes with!
"Yes, it tells us that you participate int he mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality." Sheldon said. And Sheldon is the prime example of why what he just said is true. He's a water sign, specifically a Pisces.
"Participate in the what?" Penny asked Sheldon.
"I think what Sheldon's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess." Leonard saved.
"Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign," When Penny said that Sheldon looked up causing me and Leonard to silently tell him to just go with it. "Okay, let's us, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak."
"That's interesting," Sheldon said, "Leonard can't process corn."
"Wu-uh, do you have some sort of job?" Leonard tried to change the subject. Yeah, there's no going back on this one Lenny,
"Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny said,
"Oh, okay. I love cheesecake." Leonard said without thinking.
"You're lactose intolerant." Sheldon pointed out.
"I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea." Leonard said.
"There are pills for that." I said, finishing eating my chingri malai curry and moving onto my jalebi and mint iassi.
"Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny said.
"So it's based on your life?" Leonard questioned.
"No, I'm from Omaha." Penny said.
"Well, if that was a movie I would go see it." Leonard smiled.
"I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? Um, that's about it. That's the story of Penny."
"Well it sounds wonderful." Leonard said.
Uh-oh, I feel a disturbance in the force. Her aura getting all sad and blue.
"It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk." Penny began crying and put her face in her hands.
'What's happening?' Sheldon mouthed.
'I don't know,' Leonard mouthed back.
"Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School." Penny sobbed.
"It took you four years to get through High School?" Sheldon blurted out.
"Don't." Leonard and I said.
"I just, I can't believe I trusted him." Penny got up to get a tissue and Sheldon took advantage of this and sat back in his spot.
"Should I say something? I feel like I should say something." Leonard whispered to Sheldon.
"You? No, you'll only make it worse." Sheldon whispered back.
"You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?" Penny asked.
"Yes." Sheldon replied.
"No, it's not crazy it's, uh, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are a part of nature, think about light. Now if you like at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too." Penny just stood there, still silently sobbing, causing Leonard to turn to us. "Well, I didn't make it worse." He sat down in his seat.
"You also didn't make it any better." I said as I went over to Penny and hugged her, petting her hair, "It's alright sugar cube. It will be okay. Don't worry, I know how you feel, it's okay. Don't worry, we're going to fix this. You know, you are a strong independent woman now and he is a shallow dirtbag." I said as I slowly rocked her and finally let go and handed her the paper towel so she could blow in it.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work." Penny said.
"Our shower works." Leonard pointed out.
"Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?" Penny asked.
"Yes." Sheldon said immediately and I gave him a look.
"No." Leonard countered.
"No?"
"No."
"No." Sheldon shook his head.
"Is it alright if I take a shower with you, I haven't had one in a few days and the plumber guy isn't coming any time soon." I asked.
"Sure, just don't do anything weird." Penny said as I lead her to the shower.
"Thanks. You guys are really sweet." Penny and I said.
"Is that the Periodic Table?" Penny asked.
"Yep, now let's make this quick. Sheldon really doesn't like it when people touch his things." I said, turning on the water. But I couldn't get it to change from tub to shower.
"Maybe we should go ask them?" Penny suggested after she gave up trying. "You know, you look really different with your hair down and no glasses."
We both wrapped towels around ourselves and walked out.
"Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower..." I trailed off. "Oh crap."
"Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!" Penny turned around.
Yeah this is awkward...
"Enchante Madamoiselles. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs." Howard leaned against a wall.
"Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny said loudly.
"Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower." Leonard said as he went towards the bathroom.
"Bon douche."
"I'm-I'm sorry?" Penny questioned Howard.
"It's French for good shower, now lets go before he breaks out the other six languages." I said, leading her away.
"Oh, so you've read my blog, milady?" Howard asked.
"No, I'm just in your workplace and know Sheldon over there." I waved at Sheldon who looked around awkwardly before waving back.
"Buona-"
"Save it for your blog, Howard." Leonard said.
"Xǐ gè tòngkuài zǎo" Howard called.
"Wǒ xiàng nǐ mǔqīn duì wǒ lái shuō, hóu wěi!" I called back.
I watched as Leonard wiggled the little knob.
"Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I'm sorry."
"Okay. Thanks." Penny said as we both got in.
"Thank you, Leonard," I said as I left my towel on the sink because Leonard's back was turned.
"You're welcome, oh, you both are going to step right, okay, I'll..."
"Hey, Leonard?" Penny called.
"The hair products are Sheldon's." Leonard called.
I'm calling BS. Sheldon does not use Darth Vader no-more-tears shampoo and Luke Skywalker conditioner. This are yours Lenny.
"Um, okay. Can I ask you a favor?"
"A favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor, I would do you a favor for you."
"It's okay if you say no."
"Oh, I'll probably say yes."
"It's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you've just met."
"Wow."
~.-.~
Penny sat down in Sheldon's seat and turned to Raj, "So, you guys work with Leonard, Sheldon, and Lilly at the University?"
Raj looked at her, then to his food and took a mouthful and looked away from her.
"Uh, I'm sorry, do you speak English?" Penny asked.
"Oh, he speaks English just fine. He just can't speak to women outside of his family and he has to picture me as his sister whenever we talk." I deadpanned, looking at my iPhone 3G.
Howard sat down in Leonard's seat with three juice boxes in hand.
"Really, why?" Penny asked.
"He's kind of a nerd." Howard said, "Juice box?" Howard offered.
"Oh, no thank you." Penny shook her head.
"Thanks, Howie." I said, taking one. Howard looked at me with a flirtatious smile, "Yeah, remember, I'm still Lilith Singh and you don't like me like that."
"Why do you hide your beautiful face with such impurities?" He asked.
"They're glasses and I found that they make me feel smarter than Sheldon event though I already am." I said as I showed him a picture on my phone. "I'm thinking about getting my vajzzling redone, what do you think? Hello Kitty or Superman?"
Raj stared at me and walked over to Howard, whispering in his ear.
"No, I don't think that he knows." Howard turned to me, "Does Sheldon know that you are getting crystals, glitter or other decorations adorned onto your pubic area?"
I shook my head, "Yes, of course he knows. He better, he's paying for it."
"I'm sorry, but you're getting a what done?" Penny asked.
"It's when you bedazzle the area around your vagina." I sighed, knowing that she probably wouldn't get it. "I'll go make us some food, Howie, you go do whatever you want until Sheldon gets back."
"Ooh, can you make us those special peanut butter sandwiches you always make Sheldon whenever he gets a major achievement?" Howard asked.
"Sure," I said as I went to my apartment to go make the sandwiches."
~.-.~
"What's in this?" Penny asked, "It's sooo good!"
"Peanut butter, bananas, honey, coconut oil, sugar, cinnamon, french toast, nutmeg, maple syrup, orange juice, and some powdered sugar." I answered.
"You have to teach me how to make this." Penny said as we watched Howard show his his favorite place to kick back after a quest.
"This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest, they have great house ale." Howard explained.
"Wow, cool tiger." Penny remarked.
"Yeah, I've had him since level ten. His name is Buttons." Howard turned to Penny, "Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest."
"Uh, sounds interesting." Penny forced herself to smile.
"So you'll think about it?"
"Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it," Penny placed a hand on Howard before walking away.
Raj and I leaned over to Howard, "Smooth." Although I think mine was more sarcastic than his.
I turned when I heard the door open, "We're home." Leonard announced.
"Oh, my God, what happened?" Penny sounded freaked out.
"Wow, Sheldon, your mother bought you those pants." I said as I watched him close and lock the door.
"I know!" Leonard was exasperated before he turned to Penny, "Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory."
"I'm so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass." Penny apologized.
"No, it was a valid hypothesis." Leonard tried to sooth her.
"That was a valid hypothesis? What is happened to you?" And Sheldon didn't know that that was what Leonard was doing.
"Really," Penny hugged Leonard and Sheldon, "thank you so much for going and trying you're, uh, you're so terrific. Why don't you put some clothes on," she went over to the door. "Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?"
"Really? Great."
"Thank you." Sheldon said as she left. As soon as she closed the door to our apartment, "You're not done with her, are you?"
"I don't think he ever will be." I shook my head.
"Our babies will be smart and beautiful." Leonard stated.
"Not to mention imaginary." Sheldon said without any emotion.
"And they can also be dumb and plain from both of your sides as well." I pointed out as I looked at my email on my phone. Why did I subscribe to all those fanfiction accounts? I should have just favorited the story. I don't even like Destiel. But that doesn't make it any less real...
~.-.~
"Is Thai food okay with you Penny?" Leonard asked.
The six of us were in the car and luckily, I could sit on Raj's lap (with his consent of course).
"Sure." Penny agreed.
"We can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch." Sheldon muttered.
"So?" Penny asked.
"They're both curry based cuisines."
"So?"
"They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl."
Penny looked at me.
"He won't eat the same food twice in one day." I pointed out before taking a selfie with her. "Do you mind if I post your picture on my blog? People will want to know who my new roommate is."
"Sure." She smiled, turning to Raj, "Any ideas Raj?"
He just looked at her with a worried expression.
"Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke." Howard smiled.
"That sounds like fun." Penny said.
"Baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby, don't get hooked on me." Howard sang.
"I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be. A little gambling is fun when you're with me (I love it) Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun. And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun, fun. Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh..." I sang, shutting him up.
"Well not all of us are A-List celebrities." Howard frowned.
"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy." Sheldon said, causing me to laugh as me and Howard had a sing off in the car.
A/N: Okay, this is my first fanfiction and I am welcome to any constructive criticism and comments that will help me be a better writer for this story. I'm loosely basing Lilly off of various people that I know and the idea came from LizzeXX's Claire Benson from the Cooper-Benson Exploration, but I'm only using the idea that Sheldon has a childhood friend who becomes Penny's roommate and is more socially adept than him. That's honestly all that I am borrowing from LizzeXX and no I have not gotten permission from them yet. I don't believe that just using a very simple idea such as the idea that Sheldon has a childhood friend that becomes Penny's roommate and serves as a translator to Penny for the boys is plagiarism when there are so many things are taken as the same thing and adopted as a fandom term. Someone had to have jumped onto the bandwagon for Self-Inserts and people being reincarnated into OCs for fanfictions and that's all this is.
No, I am not supporting plagiarism, I am just saying that something as simple as this (which I thought of first, I just never posted it due to not wanting to get an e-mail then) should not be considered plagiarism due to how different Claire Benson is from Lilith Singh.