Silver Lining

by EggDropSoup

Complete! One-shot. Tsuzuki POV. Tsuzuki ditches Hisoka after a hard case for a night out on the town. He should have known that Hisoka would eventually catch up to him.

Tsuzuki Pt of view.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei.

Warnings: Some spoilers from the manga/anime. Ignores GenSoKai Ark, but takes place sometime after Kyoto.

Beta: I didn't have one for this story, so I'm sorry, I did my best. :( I hope I didn't mess the present and past tenses up too badly.

Special thanks to: Eclst, Eria, General Zargon, and Serene Ice Dragon for their encouragement and support. /3 thank you, ladies, for helping me to be brave. I'm a big baby and I am nothing without you.

Silver Lining

By EggDropSoup

From what I know of The Bible, it is notorious for pointing out many times that one should not engage in gluttony or drunkenness of any kind and that those who engage in such unrighteous behavior shall not inherit the Kingdom of God.

It's probably pessimistic to say this, but I already consider myself incapable of salvation so I figure there is little harm I can do at this point by drowning in my sorrows. There is just too much chaos going on inside my heart right now and I can't deal with it. Drinking makes it easier to just let go and forget. And that's all I wanna do- let go and forget for a little while.

I find a restaurant close to Tokyo's Rainbow Bridge and pick a spot at the bar inside. It's a nice place, not too loud or crowded for a Saturday evening and I can take my time. Not long after I sit down, a woman with light brown hair wearing a red dress sits beside me. She pays for several of my drinks so I figure the least I can do is be pleasant, even if I'm not really up for the company right now. Most of the things she talks about are just general facts about her and I inadvertently tune her voice in and out.

I do my best to pay attention though, and the more I laugh at her stories, the more beers she buys me so it's okay.

Speaking of beers, she seems to notice that I'm running low on my current one and the next thing I know, the bartender is pressing a fresh glass into my hand. I give her a cordial smile and accept it, bringing it to my lips.

I shut my eyes, focusing on the black insides of my eyelids while I gulp it down. The burning in my throat feels good and when I open my eyes again, there are red lights swimming in my vision. My blood is pumping a little faster, making me feel warm all over, and my senses are buzzing on hyper drive.

"Tsuzuki."

I know without looking who it is and I can tell by his voice that he's angry, probably even pissed, and I don't blame him. I would be too if I were the one who had been ditched.

I turn around slowly in my bar stool, trying to be careful to not rock my stomach too much. All that alcohol is mixing around and as much as I claim to have an iron stomach, I don't want to put it to the test.

Because the stool is low level, my eyes land right on his face and I marvel at how brave I'm feeling as I greet him with an easy grin. "Hisoka, how did you get in here?"

He regards me for a minute, studying me coolly. "I showed them my I.D."

Oh. That's right. Hisoka had been requesting a new one from the HR Department for a while now. His previous one listed him as sixteen and it made things difficult when investigating. So HR gave him a new one, updating his age to eighteen. Though, technically, he's really twenty now.

I guess that's the unfortunate thing about dying at sixteen. There's only so much adjusting that can be done so that it still remains relatively believable. But hey, getting by as an "eighteen year old" is better than nothing.

I nod, pointing at him awkwardly with glass still in hand. "Good, why don't you stay and talk with me and…" I stop, trying to recall the identity of the woman sitting next to me. What was her name again? I think it started with a W- some American name. Was it…Wendy? Wanda?

I must have trailed off for too long because she clears her throat rather loudly and decides to finish my statement for me. "It's Mary." Oops.

She gives me a reproachful look before turning to face Hisoka. "I'm in Tokyo for a few days on business."

Miraculously, her statement is enough to get my fuzzy brain working again and I'm able to remember one of the things she was telling me earlier that evening. "She came all the way from New York. Isn't that cool, Hisoka? Her Japanese is very good."

I guess this gets me back into her good graces, because she beams at me before swatting at my arm bashfully. "You're just saying that!" Then, she turns to Hisoka again. "You're his friend, right? Would you like to join us? I was just about to ask Tsuzuki-san if he wanted to move our little drinking party over to a table."

I stare at her strangely for a moment. Sure, Hisoka could get into the restaurant by himself because he has an I.D., showing he was a legal adult. However, the drinking age in Japan is twenty and there's no way, no matter how much you try and play it up that Hisoka can look that old. If eighteen was a stretch, twenty was definitely a mile.

Maybe she just doesn't know about the age restrictions, but even if there was a slim chance that he could pass for twenty, I know that Hisoka wouldn't drink anyway. Low tolerance aside, he's never shown any interest in it.

Hisoka looks at her like she's just told him the stupidest thing ever. That's right ladies and gentlemen, that's my partner-the young man with the impeccable personality.

"No, thank you," he replies curtly. I can tell from the frown on his face that he doesn't want anything to do with her. "I just came here to get Tsuzuki." He ignores the dirty look she gives him and then turns his attention back at me. "Let's go. I have something I need to talk to you about."

I hesitate, trying to think of a way to avoid having to leave with him because I know exactly what he wants to say. I cast my eyes away guiltily and give a last attempt at an excuse. "But I haven't finished my beer."

His expression hardens with an unspoken resolve and he glares at me. "If you don't come outside with me right now, then I'll drag you out."

I automatically know that the likelihood of him forcibly removing me from the restaurant is next to impossible. Hisoka's practically a twig compared to me, but I can tell -from the bite in his voice- that he's capable of making sure he gets what he wants.

He'll find a way to get me to leave, even if it means causing a scene and getting me kicked out in the process.

Seeing as I don't have a choice in the matter, I resign myself to my fate and take one last gulp of my beer and place the glass down on the counter. Once that's done, I fish out my wallet and toss out some bills on the counter. My wallet is obviously worn out and practically empty but since I'm leaving, I can't expect 'Mary' to pay for me.

The bartender moves quickly to collect the money and I stand up from the stool slowly, making sure to hold onto the edge of the bar as I get to my feet. My legs feel shaky and for a minute I worry that I may have trouble walking out of the place on my own. I really hope it's just a momentary vertigo thing. Hisoka's already mad and I don't want to make him angrier at me if he has to help half-carry me out.

After a few breaths, I feel a little steadier and I take a step forward-it's a wonder how I manage to not fall on my face. "Okay, Hisoka. I'll come with you."

He immediately looks relieved and I can visibly see the tension in his shoulders relaxing. I feel that guilty pang in my chest again, knowing that I've been causing him so much distress and worry. He rarely lets something like that show, especially out in public. My disappearing must have really scared him.

I forget sometimes that Hisoka cares far more about people then he lets on.

I know I need to go with him and make this right, but before I can take another step forward, Mary's hand shoots out and clamps tightly onto my arm-just inches above my wrist- and pulls me back. "Wait, you don't have to go just because he says so," she says, smiling smugly up at me.

Then, she sits up straighter on her stool and I don't know how she does it, but it's like she's looking down her nose at Hisoka, sizing him up. "We were having fun and you don't have to let a kid like that mess it up."

For a moment, I'm absolutely thunderstruck. Hisoka is too. His eyes are impossibly wide and his mouth is partially open. The shock is only there for a moment before the expression on his face changes to one of indignation and I rush to speak up before he goes off on her. "Actually, I think he's right. It's late and I should be going."

She sputters disbelievingly when I gently reach over and unclasp her hand from around my forearm. As I move away, her face turns as red as her dress from anger and she starts positively boiling in her seat. It reminds me a lot of the tea kettle I have at home, the way the steam seems to just be spouting right out of her as she yells, "If you leave, that's it. When you come back, I'll have already left with someone else."

"Thank you for the drinks." is all I say, turning away and pushing gently at Hisoka's shoulder, attempting to guide him out quickly with me. I don't want to stand here and listen to her badmouth my partner or I anymore. Hisoka doesn't deserve to have to hear the ridiculous things she's saying.

When we step out the door, I release his shoulder. He staggers a little, probably because I was moving too fast for him- my legs are considerably longer than his after all. He steadies himself and casts a look over his shoulder at me for a few seconds, regarding me curiously. Probably speculating just what the hell happened back there. But before he turns his face away, I catch the corner of his mouth turning up slightly. I think that what I did must have pleased him somehow.

I don't know what he's expecting - it's fairly obvious that if given a choice between him and anyone else, I'll always choose him.

He begins to walk forward on his own-his hands in his pockets- and I follow silently. Luckily, there's no one lingering outside the restaurant so the likelihood of anyone eavesdropping or trailing us is very low. Just in case though, we don't say anything until we reach the parking garage adjacent to the restaurant, Hisoka leading the whole way.

"You certainly know how to pick them," he comments sarcastically once we are out of sight, alone on the second level. It's not your normal grungy garage, the lights aren't dim-they're actually really bright and I have to squeeze my eyes shut for a moment to get used to it.

"She was nice when I met her, bought most of my drinks for me too." I shrug halfheartedly; finding that the cool air outside is helping me sober up a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with being friendly with her. It wasn't like I was planning for anything to come out of it anyways. "It's not something to be upset over."

He huffs irritably for a moment, but then decides to let it go. "Whatever." Then, he squares his shoulders and looks directly at me again. He clenches his jaw, narrows his eyes, and gets right down to business. "What you did earlier was completely stupid. You know better than to just take off on your own like that."

Yup, here it comes.

I duck my head tiredly. Whatever he has to say to me, I deserve it. "I know. I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' doesn't cut it anymore, Tsuzuki," he informs me, shaking his head. "I want an explanation. One moment you were standing there after sending that boy on and the next….you just took off! Do you know how long I searched the city for you?

He probably spent the whole day searching for me-looking everywhere, desperate to find me before I did something stupid- and as I'm standing there before him, I'm feeling more and more ashamed.

Hisoka doesn't give me time to wallow at how much of an ass I've been though, because he's suddenly jumping right back to the point. "What did he say to you?"

For the second time that night, I'm hesitating and I can't stop myself from flinching at the question. The action makes me take a reflexive step back. I can feel his observant green eyes watching everything I do closely and I don't dare look up and meet his gaze. I know he'll see right through me if I do. He always does.

"I know that what he said made you upset, Tsuzuki," Hisoka speaks again, his level voice interrupting the quiet.

I forget myself the moment the panic sets in, my head going up involuntarily-and I freeze- fear causing my heart to quiver in my chest. There's no way I can deny it, he knows. His suspicions were confirmed the minute he saw my deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

I jerk my head back down and refrain from saying anything-I don't even move because really, there's no point in trying to run away from him now. He'll just find me again.

Hisoka doesn't show any surprise at my reaction, and I hear him release a long sigh before he walks over to me. He's had years of practice as my partner to know how difficult I can be. All the other partners I had before him eventually got sick of me and left. It's a wonder that he hasn't done the same.

Once he's directly in front of me, he takes my hand gently, trying to coax me to open up to him. "Please tell me, Tsuzuki. I don't want to have to read your mind," his voice is soft and he slowly strokes the knuckles of my hand with his thumb.

And then, he tells me the words he knows will make me break. "I love you."

The walls that had been barely holding everything back inside me collapses-and it's like a dam breaking, the waters come crashing down without warning. It's too much-it's always been too much-and I feel like I'm drowning as it all overtakes me.

"He begged me not to make him go," I wheeze out, the events from earlier today flashing unwantedly in my mind. I can still hear his sorrowful voice in my ears, my head-and it makes my heart clench unbearably. "He told me that he needed to stay for his sister and that without him, she wouldn't have the will to live on." My throat feels tighter and the next words sound barely audible when I gasp them out, "She has terminal cancer. The doctor's told her she wouldn't live more than a year."

His eyebrows come together with concern and his hand tightens around mine. "Even so, there's nothing you can do about that. You can't blame yourself, Tsuzuki." Everything Hisoka is saying is reasonable. I know I should agree with him and let it go, but I can't. What happened today just seems to be added on to the already heavy pain I still carry from Kyoto.

I shake my head vehemently, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "Hisoka, you don't understand. I couldn't help him-I wanted to! He-he looked so helpless and it reminded me of how I felt when I couldn't do anything to save my own sister." I sniff loudly, trying to hold them back. "I told him I understood how hard it is, that I knew what he was going through-and he told me that if I really knew, then I would help him find a way to stay with her." I blink my eyes rapidly, but it's not enough to stop the tears as they run down my cheeks to my chin.

I haven't told Hisoka a lot about my past, or Ruka. But somehow over the years, he's found out enough to know that something terrible happened to her and I somehow had a hand in it.

As I'm crying, Hisoka lets out a loud gasp -looking a little dizzy- and the space between his eyebrows becomes deeply wrinkled. He can see and feel everything that's going through my head thanks to our joined hands and it must be too much for him. I'm so messed up inside that it must be like looking into a fun house.

He doesn't pull his hand away from mine though, just swallows hard and breathes in deeply for several seconds. After he calms down, he lightly tugs at my hand and speaks to me so softly, so tenderly- far more tenderly then I would have ever expected of him in our earlier days of partnership. "Tsuzuki, do you love me?"

"Yes." I've cared about him since day one and loved him since he threw himself into the flames after me.

"Then believe me when I tell you that you're a good man, Tsuzuki," he insists earnestly and his short, blunt nails dig into my hand as he stares straight at me.

It stings, but it doesn't prevent me from giving a scowl of disdain at his words. Clearly, Hisoka thinks more highly of me than I ever could. "If I'm so good, then why is it that I only seem to make everyone around me unhappy?"

There's a flicker of temper in his eyes, and I know that look- he wants to yell at me-call me an idiot. But he holds it in, and answers in a firm tone, "You've made me happy." His free hand comes up to cup my lower jaw-not bothered that my face is pathetically wet. "You're the first person who has ever loved me. If it weren't for you, I'd still be hell-bent on revenge for what Muraki and my family have done to me. You're the one who gave me a reason to let all that baggage go. You showed me that love can overcome hate and I know that, that same love can overcome the pain you're feeling right now."

His words are touching, moving even-but I know from experience that it's not that simple.

"Thank you, Hisoka, for trying-but it won't work for me. I don't think I can ever change." I'm too set in my ways-too old. Not a day goes by that I haven't stopped thinking about committing suicide again. The urge is always present, like a scratch beneath my skin that I can't reach. Knowing someone loves me and accepts me is wonderful, but it doesn't stop the dark thoughts or the temptation from stirring in my head. It's a matter of time before I slip again-might take years, a decade-but I'll eventually return back to it. And when it does happen- I don't know if love will be enough to save me.

"If you can't find a way to love yourself, then I'll just have to love you enough for the both of us," he informs me, interrupting my thoughts right then and there. He uses his hold on my jaw to tilt my face down and I see resolve again in those eyes-solid and strong. "Even if it takes our entire afterlife-I don't care. I'll love you so much that you'll have to see just how wonderful you are."

I blink back at him in amazement. No one has ever promised me words of such great devotion-and it leaves me feeling floored. No matter how much my feeble mind struggles, I can't come up with a single word or thought to respond with. It's like he's completely disarmed me, leaving me flustered and speechless. And that's saying something because if you know me, I always have something to say.

Green eyes roll at my flabbergasted state fondly-and I guess I should have expected him to react like that-he's still touching me so he knows everything I'm thinking. Such a cheater.

He snorts loudly -catching the thought- and shakes his head, both his hands coming up to frame either side of my face. He gives me a small, sneaky smirk and his voice is low and wicked. "Hey, I remember several times that you had no objections over me using my empathy when it was convenient for you."

I do my best to give him a hurt look, but my lips tip upward on their own. "That was when you weren't against me."

He gazes at me, rather innocently-knowing exactly how alluring he looks. "Oh? But I seem to remember that you like it when I'm against you." Then, to prove his point, he steps forward and presses his lower body against my own.

I hiss out a breath; fighting the urge to push back against him. The fact that we're still alone in the parking garage isn't helping. It's hard to keep my mind on track and not think of other things we can do in here, besides talking. "You know what I mean."

Hisoka lets out an exasperating groan, but relents in teasing me. He drops his hands from my face and pulls back enough so that there's a small space between us. "I know…but no matter how much you hate my meddling, I'm still going to do it. And I'm never really against you -not really- everything I do is always for you."

"Hisoka…" his name is all I can say as I stare down at him in wonder. I'm just so amazed, so truly touched by his words that I don't even notice the tears that are welling up in my eyes again. It astounds me how much Hisoka cares. He could have anyone and I'll never understand why he's chosen to stand by me after everything. But when he says things like this, words so heartfelt and genuine-I can't help the small spark of hope that ignites in my heart- a hope that maybe one day I can become someone who deserves him.

"I thought I was supposed to be the sappy one." I finally say with a shaky smile, voice still heady with emotion.

He gives me an attractive smile of his own. "You are," Hisoka allows, and his smile sharpens another degree. "But it's no surprise that you've rubbed off on me. You're rather infectious."

My stomach does a nervous little flip and I swallow hard. "I am?" I watch him as he stands in front of me, quiet and unmoving, and I'm suddenly aware that the air between us is heating up. He doesn't move, however, just remains standing as we bask in it idly.

He gives a small shrug and those hot eyes, full of green fire, are still set on my own as he answers, "It drives me crazy, but I can't deny how much I need you."

A tingle runs down my spine, his words sending a thrill right through me. It's all I can do to keep my heart from racing, but it's no use. It's so loud that I can hear it hammering in my ears and I know that he can hear it too.

He steps forward and places his hands lightly on my upper arms. "So please," he whispers, stretching his face slowly up towards mine, "Stay with me always."

The moment his lips reach mine, my mind stops thinking. His soft, burning mouth drives everything away and the only thing I can focus on is how those delicious lips move against my own. I wrap my arms around his back to pull him closer and Hisoka loops his arms around my neck as we both press fully into the kiss. The sensation of it all is making us both weak and breathless-and neither one of us questions how we find a way to teleport to my house together- tangled in each other's arms and shuffling blindly.

Not once do we break apart, even when Hisoka forcefully shoves me against the wall- all dark thoughts from earlier forgotten as we mercilessly attack each other's clothes.

That spark of hope I felt earlier is still warm and shining in my heart and I pour all my love into the way I hold him, touch him-cherishing him for all the things he's ever done for me. I relish the way his skin feels beneath my hands and the way that hot, wet mouth of his sucks on my tongue.

There's no way to take back the things I've done. I know it's too late to start all over again and no matter what delusions I tell myself, it won't be fully alright. But when I feel the things from my past weighing me down again and I can't seem to bring myself out of it, I know I can count on him. Hisoka won't give up on me or leave me behind.

He'll stand by me and fight for me no matter what, replacing all the dark memories with ones that are full of love.

And maybe- just maybe- together, we can replace them all, and I won't carry around all this guilt and regret anymore. I'll finally be able to let it all go and be at peace with myself- and then, and only then, will I be able to let him in and show him something I've never shown anyone- my whole heart.

End.

AN: Guys….my jaw has been sore all week….from chewing so much bubble gum. HA! Writing in first person was both terrifying and exciting, since I've never written a full out story in a character's point of view like this before. Hopefully, I stayed true to the characters and y'all weren't too disappointed.

This fic was also heavily influenced by the group, Hurts. If you're a fan or are familiar with their songs, you might notice some themes that were inspired by the music. Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope you all have a Happy Easter! May your weekend be egg-traordinary!