Dudley Demented

Disclaimer: The world of HP is Rowling's.

"Move your hands fast," snapped Aunt Petunia, "And when you're done, I want you to clean the kitchen." Kitty sighed, as she scrubbed the windows, wishing very much that she could turn Aunt Petunia into a house elf. She craned her neck, and peered out of the window. Harry was nowhere to be seen.

Uncle Vernon's voice floated from the living room, "Glad to see the boy's stopped trying to butt in. Where is he, anyway?"

"I don't know,"said Aunt Petunia, unconcerned. "Not in the house."Uncle Vernon grunted. "Watching the news..." he said scathingly. "I'd like to know what he's really up to. As if a normal boy cares what's on the news- Dudley hasn't got a clue what's going on; doubt he knows who the Prime Minister is! Anyway, it's not as if there'd be anything about his lot on our news—"

A loud echoing crack broke the silence of Privet Drive. Almost at once, Uncle Vernon strode into the kitchen, his face purple. "What are you doing?" he growled. "Cleaning your windows," remarked Kitty. "I mean, why did you make that noise? Did you use that stick?" asked Uncle Vernon, a vein pulsating in his temple.

"It came from outside," said Kitty. "Where's that brother of yours?" he grunted. "How should I know? You keep me locked in the house, and make him stay out. How would I know where he is?" said Kitty. Uncle Vernon snarled and left the kitchen.

Kitty was sure the cracking noise had been made by someone apparating or disapparating. It was exactly the sound Dobby the house-elf made when he vanished into thin air. Was it possible that Dobby was here in Privet Drive? Could she be sure it hadn't been the sound of something breaking inside a neighbour's house?

Kitty flung the cleaning rag away from her, in disappointment. Neither Vandyll nor Luna nor Dennis had sent her more than six or seven letters the entire summer. Ron and Hermione too, and not sent many letters to Harry. Kitty had spent whole nights sitting up and writing to Remus, in her diary. Whenever she had asked, when they were going to get away from the Dursleys, Remus had either changed the topic, or given unsatisfactory answers such as, "I expect soon."

Looking out of the window at the darkening sky, she wished that she was out with Harry, wherever he was. With a grimace, she began the dull task of mopping the kitchen floor.

She heard the doorbell ring, and with a leap, she immediately thought Harry had come back. "Diddy! About time too, I was getting quite-quite- Diddy, what's the matter?" she heard her Aunt's voice.

Kitty dropped the mop, and rushed into the hallway, just in time to see Dudley puke all over the doormat. Uncle Vernon came galumphing out of the living room and helped Aunt Petunia drag a weak kneed Dudley into the living room.

"He's ill, Vernon!"

"What is it, son? What's happened? Did Mrs. Polkiss give you something foreign for tea?"

"Why are you all covered in dirt, darling? Have you been lying on the ground?"

"Hang on-you haven't been mugged, have you, son?"

Aunt Petunia screamed. "Phone the police, Vernon! Phone the police! Diddy, darling, speak to Mummy! What did they do to you?"

Kitty shot a questioning look at Harry who mouthed, "Dementors! Two of them!" Kitty's eyes grew wide with surprise.

Dudley found his voice. "Him."

Harry froze, foot on the stair, face screwed up, braced for the explosion.

"BOY! COME HERE!"

"What did he do to you, Diddy?" Aunt Petunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley's leather jacket. "Was it-was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use-his thing?"

Slowly, tremulously, Dudley nodded.

"I didn't!" Harry said sharply, as Aunt Petunia let out a wail and Uncle Vernon raised his fists. "I didn't do anything to him, it wasn't me, it was-'

Just then, an owl flew in from the living room window, and dropped a letter in Harry's hand. Ignoring Uncle Vernon's strangled cry of "OWLS!",Kitty scampered over to Harry and read the letter over his shoulder.

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm at twenty-three minutes past nine this evening in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle.

The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery has resulted in your expulsion from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand.

As you have already received an official warning for a previous offence under Section 13 of the International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy, we regret to inform you that your presence is required at a disciplinary hearing at the Ministry of Magic at 9 a.m. on the twelfth of August.

Hoping you are well,

Yours sincerely,
Mafalda Hopkirk,
Improper Use of Magic Office,
Ministry of Magic.

Harry looked at Kitty; both of them speechless. A second owl had just collided with the window sill. Harry unfurled the second letter that said:

Harry-

Dumbledore's just arrived at the Ministry and he's trying to sort it all out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE'S HOUSE. DO NOT DO ANY MORE MAGIC. DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR WAND.

Arthur Weasley.

"Who are all these ruddy owls from?" Uncle Vernon growled.

"The first one was from the Ministry of Magic, expelling me," said Harry calmly. The second one was from my friend Ron's dad, who works at the Ministry.'

"Ministry of Magic?" bellowed Uncle Vernon. "People like you in government? Oh, this explains everything, everything, no wonder the country's going to the dogs..."

When Harry did not respond, Uncle Vernon glared at him, then spat out, "And why have you been expelled?"

"Because I did magic."
"AHA!" roared Uncle Vernon, slamming his fist down on top of the fridge, which sprang open; several of Dudley's low-fat snacks toppled out and burst on the floor. "So you admit it! What did you do to Dudley?"

'Nothing,' said Harry, slightly less calmly. 'That wasn't me-'

'Was,' muttered Dudley unexpectedly, and Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia instantly made flapping gestures at Harry to quieten him while they both bent low over Dudley. 'Go on, son,' said Uncle Vernon, 'what did he do?'

'Tell us, darling,' whispered Aunt Petunia. 'Pointed his wand at me,' Dudley mumbled.

'Yeah, I did, but I didn't use-' Harry began angrily, but...

'SHUT UP!' roared Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia in unison. 'Go on, son,' repeated Uncle Vernon, moustache blowing about furiously.

'All went dark,' Dudley said hoarsely, shuddering. 'Everything dark. And then I h-heard ... things. Inside m-my head…Felt ... felt ... felt ... as if ... as if...'

'As if you'd never be happy again,' Harry supplied dully.

'Yes,' Dudley whispered, still trembling.

'So!' said Uncle Vernon, voice restored to full and considerable volume as he straightened up. 'You put some crackpot spell on my on so he'd hear voices and believe he was-was doomed to misery, or something, did you?'

'How many times do I have to tell you?' said Harry, temper and voice both rising. 'It wasn't me! It was a couple of dementors!'

'A couple of-what's this codswallop?'

'De-men-tors,' said Harry slowly and clearly. 'Two of them.'

'And what the ruddy hell are dementors?'

'They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban,' said Aunt Petunia. 'I heard-that awful boy-telling her about them-years ago,' she said jerkily.

A third owl zoomed into the room, like a feathery canon-ball, and Harry tore open the letter.

Dear Mr. Potter,

Further to our letter of approximately twenty-two minutes ago, the Ministry of Magic has revised its decision to destroy your wand forthwith. You may retain your wand until your disciplinary hearing on the twelfth of August, at which time an official decision will be taken.

Following discussions with the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Ministry has agreed that the question of your expulsion will also be decided at that time. You should therefore consider yourself suspended from school pending further enquiries.

With best wishes,

Yours sincerely,
Mafalda Hopkirk,
Improper Use of Magic Office,
Ministry of Magic.

'Well?' said Uncle Vernon, recalling Harry to his surroundings. 'What now? Have they sentenced you to anything? Does your lot have the death penalty?' he added as a hopeful afterthought.

'I've got to go to a hearing,' said Harry.

'And they'll sentence you there?'

'I suppose so.

'AND WHAT ABOUT DUDLEY!' roared Uncle Vernon. 'I want to know exactly what happened to my son!'

'FINE!' yelled Harry, and in his temper, red and gold sparks shot out of the end of his wand, still clutched in his hand. All three Dursleys flinched, looking terrified.

'Dudley and I were in the alleyway between Magnolia Crescent and Wisteria Walk,' said Harry, speaking fast, fighting to control his temper. 'Dudley thought he'd be smart with me, I pulled out my wand but didn't use it. Then two dementors turned up-'

'But what ARE Dementoids?' asked Uncle Vernon furiously. 'What do they DO?'

'I told you-they suck all the happiness out of you,' said Harry, 'and if they get the chance, they kiss you-'

'Kiss you?' said Uncle Vernon, his eyes popping slightly. 'Kiss you?'

'It's what they call it when they suck the soul out of your mouth.'

Aunt Petunia uttered a soft scream.

'His soul? They didn't take-he's still got his-'

'Of course they didn't get his soul, you'd know if they had,' said Harry, exasperated.

'Why's he all right, then?' blustered Uncle Vernon. 'Why isn't he all empty, then?'

'Because I used the Patronus-'

WHOOSH. With a clattering, a whirring of wings and a soft fall of dust, a fourth owl came shooting out of the kitchen fireplace. Harry and Kitty read Sirius's message.

'Arthur has just told us what's happened. Don't leave the house again, whatever you do.'

'I want the truth about what happened tonight!' barked Uncle Vernon. 'If it was demenders who hurt Dudley, how come you've been expelled? You did you-know-what, you've admitted, it!'

'I did the Patronus Charm to get rid of the dementors,' he said, forcing himself to remain calm. 'It's the only thing that works against them.'

'But what were Dementoids doing in Little Whinging?' said Uncle Vernon in an outraged tone.

'Couldn't tell you,' said Harry wearily. 'No idea.'

'Oho! They were coming to arrest you!' said Uncle Vernon, with the triumphant air of a man reaching an unassailable conclusion. 'That's it, isn't it, boy? You're on the run from the law!'

'Of course I'm not,' said Harry, shaking his head as though to scare off a fly, his mind racing now.

'Then why-?'

'He must have sent them,' said Harry quietly, more to himself than to Uncle Vernon. Kitty clutched Harry's arm.

'What's that? Who must have sent them?'

'Lord Voldemort,' said Harry. Kitty whimpered.

Lord-hang on,' said Uncle Vernon, his face screwed up, a look of dawning comprehension coming into his piggy eyes. 'I've heard that name ... that was the one who...'

'Murdered our parents, yes,' Harry said dully.

'But he's gone,' said Uncle Vernon impatiently, without the slightest sign that the murder of Harry's parents might be a painful topic. 'That giant bloke said so. He's gone.'

'He's back,' said Harry heavily.

'Well, that settles it,' Uncle Vernon said, his shirt front straining as he inflated himself, 'you can get out of this house, boy, and you too, girl!' The fifth owl zooming in through the chimney, dropped a howler on Aunt Petunia's head.

'REMEMBER MY LAST, PETUNIA.'

'They will have to stay, Vernon,' she said weakly.

'W-what?'

'If we throw them out, the neighbours will talk,' she said. 'You're to stay in your room, both of you. You're not to leave the house. Now get to bed.'

Kitty made to go upstairs but Harry didn't move.

'Who was that Howler from?'

'Don't ask questions,' Aunt Petunia snapped.

'Are you in touch with wizards?'

'I told you to get to bed!'

'What did it mean? Remember the last what?'

'YOU HEARD YOUR AUNT, NOW GO UP TO BED!'