Title: Gossip Is His Coffee
Author: Darkmoonphase
Summary: I am anonymous. I write the gossip for our school paper. Everyone believes me. But when I finally write something true…I could become known. CraigXTweek
Rated: T because I'm paranoid like that. And it has Craig and Cartman in it. Duh.
Disclaimer/Credits: South Park was created and written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I did not come up with these characters that I am using. The idea of this story was originally done by Paperleaf. Their story that this is based off of is, "Rumors at South Park High". Please, go check out their story, it's awesome. And read some of their other stories as well. I like their stuff.
Pairings: The one that's main that I'll let slip because a) it's painfully obvious and b) I put it in the summary is: Craig and Tweek. If I decide that the others are too obvious as well, I'll give them away eventually. But if I do this right, they should be a surprise.
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Chapter One: My School
I walked into the school, twitching and shaking like usual. But today, I was excited. I went up to where the Student Body Officers were handing papers out happily. They'd probably already read the latest gossip. I took one and flipped it to the page titled, "Gossip Group". I walked away giggling. Today's paper had a picture of Stan and Kyle hugging and the article told of their supposed intimate relationship. I grinned and tucked the paper away into my backpack, giddy with the results. Students passed me, whispering and sniggering among themselves. There was a sudden shout from a group by a table in the lunchroom. Stan was staring in horror at the paper while Kyle was just standing there numbly. Cartman was laughing hysterically and Kenny looked extremely pissed. I wondered why. The results were better than I'd imagined, though. I walked over to them innocently and asked, "What's wrong?" It was my job. They still didn't know that I was the one who wrote all the gossip – a lot of work coming from my end. It made me laugh.
"Have you seen this?!" Stan cried shoving his paper into my face. I pushed the paper away and fluttered mine in front of his face after pulling it back out. "It's horrible. I can't believe Anonymous wrote this!" He paused, looking thoughtful. "It's almost worse than the one on Butters and Cartman…"
I almost laughed. I'd forgotten about that one. I'd have to go find it and reread it. It was, after all, one of my favorite stories. "You're only upset because it's about you," I point out with a twitch. Ironically, I twitched just as he gave me a death glare. "I know that if Anonymous wrote something about me, I'd be upset too." This was true, except that I am Anonymous and I'm not really creative enough to write something about myself. Of course, I knew I'd have to eventually or everyone would start pointing fingers.
Kyle finally snapped out of his stupor and dropped the paper he was holding like it was on fire. "Stan's just my friend! Whoever Anonymous is, they really don't know us very well." I thought about this briefly. It was only a partly true statement since I spent most of my time with Craig, Token and Clyde. I mean, seriously, getting involved with these guys was a dangerous move. But the little time I did spend with them told me that Stan and Kyle really were just friends. That's the fun of gossip though. You can tell complete lies and everyone believes you. "Anonymous is getting annoying, coming out with all these stories..."
"They aren't very farfetched stories, mind you," Clyde interrupted with a smug smile on his face. "I see you two making googley eyes at each other every time you see each other. And they even had proof this time! That's what makes this story so true…" I twitched a few times, feeling the paranoia sweep over me. I hadn't even seen him come near us. If he could sneak up on me, just imagine who else could. And what if they were armed…?
Stan sighed in frustration. "Clyde, you believe every gossip story out there. Remember that one about Butters and Cartman? How it turned out to be a lie? Remember how disappointed you were? And they had a picture. How ironic, huh?" I remembered that one. I still felt sorry for Butters. I hadn't realized how violent Cartman truly could be.
Clyde scoffed. "Well…But still!" How lame. He really couldn't think of anything better to say?
"Hey, Tweek!" Craig cried from behind me, poking me in the sides. I jump-spun to see him snickering at me. "You should really stay on your guard. You never know who could sneak up on you…" He trailed off with a suggestive smirk. My hand jerked. He was right. And I'd been thinking about that just moments ago! Craig disturbed me sometimes. "So…Stan and Kyle on the hot seats today, huh? Not surprising. The only thing we haven't seen you do yet is kiss."
"You're almost as bad as Cartman!" Kyle groaned, dropping his head into his hands. "What are you guys? Mindless gossip zombies? Most of the stuff written in there are lies!" I gulped and my shoulder twitched. I did just make stuff up as I saw them. I liked people's reactions. That was the best part of being Anonymous. Kyle lifted his head with a horrified expression. I wondered what he was thinking.
Cartman walked up grinning and Kyle almost screamed. Oh. "Well, well, well…Their secret's out. I do applaud Anonymous' work this time. They really outdid themselves," he cooed sadistically. I was almost disappointed that he hadn't learned his lesson yet. I'd have to work on another story for him soon. That would make his fourth. I'd thought that after I wrote the third one, he'd have stopped messing with people but his freak-outs only lasted a few hours – a day or two at most. He really didn't learn.
My lower lip trembled involuntarily as I yawned. That was really annoying. "Did you sleep at all last night, Tweek?" Craig asked curiously, turning his attention to me. Damn, now everyone in the group was staring at me.
"Not really." I was lying through my teeth. I wondered if anyone would ever figure it out. "I was up really late working on a report. One for English. I got it out of a sophomore in our class who's repeating." I really hoped that there was a project – one that I could do quickly tonight so my friends didn't catch on.
"There's a sophomore in your class?" Kenny asked, sneaking up on me. I yelped and spun again. He laughed; doubling over as he slowly ran out of breath. "You're such a spaz, Tweek!" My body convulsed as he said this. Why did he have to be right? "So you've heard the written news, but did you hear about Wendy and Bebe?" We shook our heads and turned our attention to him. "They broke up! Wendy was accusing Bebe of cheating on her with Rebecca. They never really denied it so Wendy totally broke it off with her."
We all gasped. I felt pretty bad for Wendy. After all, I'd been the one who'd gotten them together – with my gossip of course. So I felt partly responsible. If I hadn't written about them, Wendy wouldn't have gotten hurt in the end. Maybe I could set her up with Heidi…"Tweek! Earth to Tweek!" I snapped back to reality to see Clyde waving his hand in front of my face. I gave him a questioning look and he sighed. "Man, you really got to stop zoning. I asked if you've had your coffee yet because you're twitching more than usual…"
As he spoke, my hand had a spasm. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "Nope. I was in a hurry today so I couldn't stop and get some," I told him as I dropped my hand again. My friends knew me way too well. The bell rang, signaling for everyone to be inside the school now. The minute bell would ring in another five minutes. I waved to my friends and said, "I have to get going. See you guys later!" And I took off down the halls toward my locker, desperate to get away from them. I was getting closer and closer to having them find out who Anonymous was.
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When school was finally out, I shuffled to the bus. I had no idea who I was going to write a rumor about now. I'd written one about almost everyone in the school – except the teachers; they were next, when I thought of something to say about them. There was Butters, Craig, Token and Damien left. Butters' had to wait. I knew what his was going to be about, but I had to wait for until Stan and Kyle "broke-up" before I could start on his. I didn't really want to do Craig's, though I'd have to eventually – for the same reasons that I had to do my own. Token's was going to be hard. I stepped onto the bus and took my usual seat by Craig who grunted a greeting that I didn't respond to. The only one left after my big process of elimination was Damien. And what could I say about him that no one already knew? He was really a zombie? Yeah, 'cause that was so believable.
When the bus finally pulled up to my stop, I had an idea for Damien.
Damien's Christian. Sad, because his dad's Satan. But what can you do after getting exorcised 3,000,000 times and having people on your case constantly trying to convert you? When you've got no friends, shouldn't you do what you can to get them to like you? Well, Satan's son ran out of options. I wonder where he'll go when he dies…
~Anonymous
It's not my best piece of work, but it'll do. If only Damien hadn't spilled all his secrets back in fourth grade…Maybe I'd have more options. And if only there was someone I could pair him with. I sighed and saved the article under "The Gothic Christian". Boy, was that a contradictory statement. I turned off the monitor and pushed away from my desk after pressing print. I went to the printer and waited for the paper to pop out. When I had it, I folded it several times and put it on top of my dresser.
I went to my bookshelf next, pulled out a notebook and then went to my bed with a pencil from my desk. After flipping to a fresh page, I started writing. I wrote about Craig and me and how everyone was mindless zombies. I got lost in it. It was nice. I think I even forgot to twitch. When I was done, I ripped out the page, folded it several times and dropped it on my dresser next to the other piece of paper as I walked out of my room to go have dinner with my parents.
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"Whoa!"
"Do you really think it could be him?"
"Nah…They're just friends!"
What were they talking about? I'd done an article about Damien being Christian. They shouldn't have been asking those questions.
"You know, it could be Clyde. He's always hanging out with Craig."
Huh?
"Clyde's not in love with Craig though."
"Why would Tweek be?"
No way. I ran over to the table where the student body was handing out the papers. They all gave me suggestive grins as one handed me a paper. I took it with shaky hands and ignored their stares. I turned to the page labeled, "Gossip Group" and walked away reading the article in horror.
"And why would Clyde write something about himself? Besides, it doesn't even sound like him."
I came to a stop by a lunch table where my friends, Kyle and his friends, Butters and a collection of other kids were talking about the paper. My hands started to violently shake and it took all I had not to scream, "NO!"
"Hey, Tweek…" Damien started menacingly, walking over to me. He didn't look happy. Maybe it was a good thing that I hadn't published that article about him. But still…what went wrong? "Did you write this?" The others turned to stare – Craig among them.
My heart fluttered. "No. Why would I?"
"It had to have been someone within one of our groups!" Craig spat angrily. "I'm gunna kill whoever wrote this shit!" My stomach dropped and I thought I might cry.
"But who would have known?" Stan asked, worriedly looking at Kyle and Kenny who were refusing to look at each other.
"Anyone with eyes," I retorted, spinning on my heel and walking away while I battled my flaring emotions. This could be the end of Anonymous. This could be the end of me.
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Craig & Anonymous?!
Craig is wonderful. He can be mean and, sometimes, just downright cruel. But, you know, there's something about him that I really like – besides the fact that he's hot. After knowing him for more than a few years, there's something only I can see in him.
Do you know what's funny? Is all those rumors – well, almost all of them – have been fake and everyone in the school soaks them up like it's the air they breathe. It's really funny. I could write anything about Craig and everyone would believe me. But I can't. It's just not an option for me. As much as I may want to…It's not as easy as saying that Stan and Kyle are together when Kyle's obviously dating Kenny and Stan's dating Wendy! Or saying that Damien likes Butters when Cartman really does and Damien likes Christophe (which I think is hilarious).
And what really bothers me about being Anonymous is everyone reads my gossip but they don't know who I am. As useful as that can be, what if I wanted to say something important – like this! Craig would never know that it's me! I want to tell him…but he's too unpredictable and he likes Butters. (Oh! A love triangle!) Sometimes I wish I'd never come up with that stupid "Gossip Group"! It sounds like a freaking knitting corner anyway!
I just want to be me again. Not someone everyone wants to know. I want to tell Craig how I feel and…I wish all these stupid rumors weren't a necessity in this school!
Crud. And I still have to write something about Tweek. Ha-ha. That never gets old. Silly, gullible, kidlings!
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Author's Note: I actually thought that this was going to be out later because I was going to finish another story that is unfinished, but decided against it because I want to get it out there already.
I personally think it was a bit fast paced for an intro chapter (and short) but tell me what you think anyway? I'd appreciate the feedback. Again, I want to thank Paperleaf for their consent and urge you to go read their story.
Thank-you for reading and please review.