To Hell in a Hand Basket
By LamiaCaligo
Summary: Hogwarts has really gone downhill in the recent few years… or has it? Maybe the refreshing and, definitely, shocking things people are realizing about themselves is just what the stuffy old castle needs. Odd pairings, duck hunting, funny slash, hooker boots, penguin lust, and more!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my latest vampire novel (which I stole from my sister), the Monty Python and the Holy Grail shirt I'm wearing, and unfortunately, this plot.
A 0 means that I have an AN at the end about that sentence. I didn't want to put them in the actual story.
Chapter One: The Puffiness!
The sun was shining, the birds were singing and those damn squirrels were fornicating incessantly. Draco groggily mumbling curses to the morning attempted, and failed, to swing his legs over the edge of his bed. He managed to open his eyes despite the too-bright sunshine and then proceeded to scream like a ninny squirrel.0 The head girl was sitting on his lap wearing the usual tiara and hooker boots.
"Ronald, you're my secret agent lover man and all, but if you scare me like that again, I will be forced to convince McGonagall to fancy you."
That's right. Ronald Weasley had had a sex change operation. Not really, but he liked to tell people that so he could throw grass flavored jelly beans in their gaping mouths. These days, Ron was known as the Amazing, Gay, Cross-dressing Head Girl and as Draco Malfoy's Secret Agent Lover Man!0 Ron, for short.
"You wouldn't dare!" Ron squeaked, horrified at the thought of McGonagall making googley eyes at him. "You wouldn't because then she would get jealous because I'm your secret agent lover man and she would make you switch houses to Hufflepuff!"
"NO! The agony, the puffiness!" Draco fell off the bed and tummy crawled to the bathroom while laughing. Ron thought it made him look like a demented snake with epilepsy, but a very attractive snake. As Draco laughed all the way to the bathroom, he was reminded of Jingle Bells, "laughing all the way". This, of course, being a very catchy song, got stuck in his head. Whilst in the shower he squirted shampoo in his eyes because he got a little to into the song while using the bottle as a microphone and squeezed the living daylights out of it.
Ron was too focused on the Zen of Applying Obscene Amounts of Mascara to notice the screams.
Meanwhile…
"Harry, you are not asexual!"
Dun dun DUN!
Author's Notes:
- "ninny squirrel" I said squirrel instead of girl because I'm a girl and take offense to that. And because the evil squirrels keep on fornicating in my back yard and jumping on my trampoline (really). And because they cussed out my friend Ann in squirrel language. Hey! Squirrel rhymes with girl! Genius! struts around gloating on accidental smartness until pelted with Flintstone vitamins
- "Secret Agent Lover Man" I got this phrase from a book called Weetzie Bat by Francesca Block. If you haven't read this book, go read it now. I swear she must have been high when she wrote it. It's very odd.
Please R/R! Tell what you think! Come on! You know you want to… Cookie?