Something Old

A Phan Fanfiction

It takes approximately two hours to figure it out, but Dan finally figures that Dil could eat solid food; he's just a bit picky about what he eats.

Basically it meant that the selection of food that Dil considered consumable did not include any sort of vegetables and it does include gratuitous amounts of pancakes and maple syrup.

He should be thankful that he and Phil were such pancake-philes, he supposed.

"You done, Dil?"

The fairy child makes a happy sound and grins up at him.

"Guess so." Dan says with a chuckle, "So now that that's out of the way, what do you want to do?"

The child tilts his head, then promptly raises his arms. "Dada!"

"Uh? You want me to carry you?"

"Mm!"

"...That sounds like a really bad idea."

"Dada?" Dil asks again. He's starting to tear up now. Again.

At this point, Dan's almost a hundred-percent sure that he's faking it. This is like the tenth time he pulled it on him ever since he'd been left alone with him. The problem was that he really wasn't going to risk potential electrocution or whatever the fairy child could do to him if he incurred his wrath just because he's a bit of a lazy arse.

So he gives in and hoists Dil into his arms.

"Gah...you're heavy..."

"Dada! Dada!" Dil chirps happily, waving his little arms about.

"Dil, you're not...helping...! How the heck can you fly if you weigh like a thousand tons or something, jeezus..."

"Dadaaaa!"

Somehow, he'd managed to adjust his arms so that he was holding Dil properly. "Alright then...do you want to do anything else, Dil? Preferably before my arms give out completely?"

"Mm..."

"...No ideas?"

Dil shakes his head.

"We could probably watch some TV together? ...Wait, do you even know what TV is?"

"T...V...?"

"Oh my god. You poor, depraved child." Who has an actual reason for not knowing what a TV is, but eh. Still depraved. "We have to rectify this right away."

"Dada?"

"Come on Dil. I'll show you what you're missing out on!" And Dan is much more fired up than he ever had been about this situation.

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"Dan, are you turning our child into a weaboo?"

"Noooooo?" Dan says, even as Dil stares transfixed at the TV. At the look on Phil's face, he continues, "It's not like I'd put Boku no Pico for him or something. This is complete, family-friendly stuff."

"Family-friendly?"

"It's Gatchaman Crowds; the only weird thing in the entire anime was the...ahem, diary extraction scene."

"I don't even know what that means!"

"It's exactly what it means. And good morning to you too, by the way."

"Yeah, morning." And Phil yawns right on cue, "Or evening."

"Evening." Dan snorts, "Weren't we planning on actually going outside today?"

"Yeah we were. We need to get some stuff for him, don't we?"

"Well, we're pretty much covered for food because he's just as unhealthy as we are. Though now that we're responsible parents, we should probably feed him something other than pancakes and a veritable ocean of syrup."

"I think we can do that later?"

"So now the priority's clothes and a toy so that he can give up the fish plushie."

"Awww. I kinda liked Susan."

"You named the fish 'Susan'?"

"Technically, you named the fish 'Susan'."

"What?"

"Don't you remember? Dil tried waking you up when we were naming her and then you just mumbled out Susan. And I guess it stuck."

"Susan?" Dan says, squinting at him, "Are you sure you heard me right?"

"You were pretty much yelling it at the top of your lungs. Along with a few other words you really shouldn't say around children."

"The hell was I dreaming about?"

"I'd like to know that too. But first thing's first." Phil scratches his stomach and stretches again, "I'm going to get more cereal."

"Right."

"Dan, cease turning our child into a weeaboo."

"He's not. I'm just providing better shows for him to watch. Better this than him being scarred for life by a purple 6 foot dinosaur."

"Barney's not scarring."

"Have you even seen Barney?"

"Yes, I have."

"While you were still a fetus?"

"...I'm just gonna go eat now."

"Yeah I thought so."

"That doesn't mean you won!"

Dan snickers, but he turns off the TV anyway. Dil complains, of course. "Hey, yell at your Papa for it. You've watched enough anime for now anyway."

"Mmmmmuuuu."

"...Yeah, I'm completely bullsh-...bullpooping you right now. You can never watch too much anime. But not around Papa, ok?"

"Dan, I can still hear you."

"You heard nothing!"

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"So now what?" Dan asks.

"You're asking me that after we've left our house already?" Phil replies absentmindedly, as he makes sure that Dil's gripping hands with them before he looks back up.

"No, I'm asking you that because we've left the house already and we need a plan of action as to where to go, Philip."

"Let's make a stop to the toy store first then."

"Right, ok. Did you try taking it away from him?"

"I did and I spent about 5 seconds levitating off the floor."

Dan froze in his tracks and Phil almost bumped right into him. "W...what?!"

"Yeah, it was scary! Kinda fun too now that I think about it. I mean, I was actually levitated off the floor! But I don't think he can keep it up for very long; it tired him out and he slept for about half an hour as a result."

"You don't just say 'I was levitated off the floor by the magical child that just popped up on our doorstep' that casually! What if he'd-", Dan pauses here and makes sure Dil's too busy taking in the sights of the city-mouth slightly open in awe-and continues, "What if he'd hurt you or something?!"

Phil blinks, "No, I think he's too attached to us for that. See?"

"...He could have dropped you to the ground too fast or something..."

"Oh yeah. That's there. But I don't think he can even do that. He's still pretty small."

"Since when are you suddenly an expert on fairies?"

"Since..." Phil falters here, "Look, it'll be fine as long as we keep an eye on him alright? I told him not to use his powers while he was outside."

Dan looks like he's far from placated but nods anyway. The conversation would go on forever at this rate.

And besides it wasn't like the outing would go horribly wrong anyways.

Right?

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"Look, Dil! Here's a nice one!"

Dil stares at the teddy bear, then shakes his head. Lips set in a pout.

"Yeah, I know. Teddy bears are so overrated."

"Dan, teddy bears are the staple of plush toys! And besides, didn't you have a Winnie the Pooh bear when you were younger?"

Dan immediately turns bright red, "Wh-...just because I liked it back then when I was younger doesn't mean-!"

"Papa!"

"Huh? Oh, have you found something?" Phil asks, cutting Dan off.

Dil nods and raises his arm-

-points at the fish plushie on the other side of the room-

-and yanks it towards him.

Literally yanks it from the other side of the room.

Literally just...zaps it with a bright yellow ray of light, hooks it and yanks it to him.

"Fishie!" Dil chirps happily.

It promptly disappears from his hand a few seconds later as Dan, in his state of panic, morphs into a monochrome blur of sorts that snatches up the toy and hides it under his shirt.

In addition, he also does one other thing.

"Uh?" Was Phil's response on feeling the horns strapped to his head.

"L-look, Dil!" Dan says while cautiously avoiding the stares of the cashier and the random mom with kid in tow, "Papa's a moose!"

Dil, who'd already been tearing up at that point, blinks and looks at Phil.

"I'm a moose!" Phil adds, pointing to his horns, "See?"

"Papa...!" And the tears promptly disappear and Dil's smiling brightly at him.

"Want me to give you a piggyback ride?" Phil adds.

"Mmmm!"

"Whoa, slow down there you two. You might break something." Dan tells the two of them as he discreetly slips the fish to the cashier, still avoiding her eyes, "Here, we're taking this."

"Uh...whoa, he's heavy."

"Yup."

"He's kinda like Planty!"

"Dude, he weighs much more than your plant. Tried and tested." Dan says, pointing at himself.

"So apparently we need to go to the gym more?"

Dan is about to retort when Dil looks at him and goes, "Dada?"

"Hm? What is it? Oh, if you're asking about your toy, here it i-"

"Dada!"

"Huh?"

Dil pulls at the horns on Phil's head-ignoring his protests-and stares at Dan.

"...I think he wants you to join in too." Was Phil's helpful analysis.

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"Come on, Dan. It doesn't look that weird."

"Says the guy with frickin' moose horns on his head."

"Actually I think these are reindeer horns. I mean, they kinda feel that way."

"How do you even...have you even touched a reindeer's horn before?"

"Yes, I have!"

"What, like from a real reindeer?"

"No, but I have touched the horn of one of those Christmas decoration reindeers! And it feels mostly like this one."

"That...is really strange, even coming from you."

"Anyway, you lucked out! Your antlers are kinda thinner, aren't they?"

"They're every bit as conspicuous as yours and you don't have the added bonus of wearing a frickin' red nose thing on top of it! I look more like a reindeer than you do!"

"Look on the bright side; at least you have something to match your clown pajamas."

"Ugh. Don't remind me of those."

"I've never seen you wear it much actually."

"That's because the last time I put the top on, I almost died from lack of oxygen."

"Oh yeah, I remember that! You were wandering around the house for at least half an hour like that and then I had to come in and help you pull it off. It was super tight, I told you you should try things on before buying!"

"You pulled the 'I told you so' card enough times already when you were clawing my shirt off, Phil. Have some sympathy."

"You were the one saying that you almost died!"

"Yeah, but I wasn't actually gonna die. I know I'm pretty much the living example of awkwardness, but I'm not gonna by suffocating while trapped in a clown turtleneck."

Phil rolls his eyes and looks away, "...Dil's happy, at least."

"Yeah." Dan turns back towards the child, seeing him drink in the environment around them with that same wide-eyed expression he had before. It was quite cute actually. "...Do you think he's seen stuff like this before?"

"Somehow, I doubt it." Phil says, "He seemed pretty out of it when he first came, didn't he? I was surprised that fairies even knew how to use the metro, then I thought that it was probably like one of those books where there were super into technology and stuff. And then, I thought that he was still a kid either way...but then, he could also be with like a race of fairies that matured faster or something..."

"He's acting like a normal toddler though." Which begs the question; how old was Dil anyway? Judging from appearances, he seemed about 2-3 years old. And though he didn't act like it, Dan had the vague feeling that Dil understands more than he should have at that age.

"So maybe he just lucked out?"

"That's...that's worrying! Especially considering the time he came by!"

"Yeah. So I was wondering about the reason why he came all the way over to our house, instead of waiting at the park and-"

"...The problem is that there are way too many unknowns to this. We don't know enough to start making assumptions."

"Yeah, that's there. So we'll just have to wait until he's comfortable enough to tell us."

"That could take years, Phil. Years! What should we do about our videos and the radio thing?"

Phil opens his mouth, then shuts it again. He looks off to the side, a serious expression on his face. Seemingly considering their options.

It's a look that Dan'll never get used to. He's seen it more often than people would think, taking Phil's usual behaviour into consideration. It's so at odds with his bright and happy-go-lucky personality that Dan honestly was extremely worried the first time he'd ever seen it.

In fact, it's almost like a hidden side of him. A facet of his personality that only Dan can know.

...Only Dan and his family members and other potential close friends. Seriously, it isn't like this was a secret. It probably wasn't even that big of a deal so stop overanalyzing everything, you moron.

What the hell was he feeling this embarrassment for?

Or this happiness?

Jeez, this wasn't a shoujo manga or anything.

"Whoa!"

A hard yank to the side and he collides heavily into Phil's side, a stab of pain in his head as something pulls at his antlers.

"Ow. What...?"

"You ok there, Dan? You almost walked into a lamppost!" Phil says and...was it his imagination or was his voice louder than normal?

Oh wait. Uh. He was still clinging onto Phil for dear life at the risk of falling and cracking a new one in his ass.

"I-I'm alright!" Dan says-though it sounded more like he was shrieking than anything-and he hastily pulls away, busying himself with fixing the horns back on his head.

He literally just said that it wasn't a bloody shoujo manga, what was with this cliche-as-hell situation?!

Or this entire situation in general?

Because...because didn't this mean that he'd have to raise a child with his best friend and, coincidentally, also the person he may or may not have a massive crush on?

...Oh. Oh no.

Oh, fuck.

Took you long enough to realize, said a mildly snarky voice in the farthest corner of his mind.

It's not that I didn't realize it, it just didn't...actually...register until now.

Ah, still sharp as ever. Aren't you, Howell?

"Dan?" Phil calls again, waving a hand in front of his face, "You alright?"

"Huh? Wha?!" Dan blinks, "What happened?"

"You uh...stared muttering to yourself, while staring at me weirdly."

"Wha-really?! Oh, uh, I was just talking to the voice in my hea-I-I mean, talking to myself!" Dan said, "Talking to myself like I usually do. Like any other normal, sane person would."

"O...k..."

"I was thinking of a way to adjust to this situation so..."

"We could pretend that he's your cousin and we're babysitting him while his parents are on a trip?" Phil suggested, out of the blue.

"Why my cousin?"

"He looks more like you?"

"Really? He's got your colour hair and all..."

"Dan, natural redhead. Remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"So your cousin, it is."

"Why? He could still be your cousin, that just happened to be dark-haired so..."

"I don't think so? He looks just a bit more like you."

"Ugh, fine. All right. But...what if this is a long term thing? We can't exactly 'babysit' him forever now, can we?"

"We'll just think about that when the time comes!" Phil says brightly, "And I don't think this'll be a long term thing."

"You don't think?"

"Nope!"

"How can you be so optimistic about this?" Dan asks, exasperated.

"Because somehow, I don't think this is a bad thing. In fact, I've kind of wanted a family to raise for myself!"

"A family?"

"We look like one, don't we?"

"...Yes, a happy little family of weird guys wearing antlers on their heads with a random red nose thrown into the mix." The usual smartass retort was a bit delayed this time.

Phil didn't notice. "Yeah! Like a reindeer family!"

"And this is where I'd say we aren't actual reindeers, Philip Lester."

"Aww. We can pretend!"

Yeah, they can pretend.

It's not like they can do anything else about it, right?

So let's just pretend.

Just for a little while longer.

"Oh yeah, shouldn't we stop by to get some new clothes too?"

"Not while we're still dressed like this, you dolt!"

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part 2 of fairy dil whoooo!

well yeah nothing much happens here, it's kinda a slow burn series. i want to illustrate the kind of havoc dil can do and the ways the boys respond to the situation before i do anything big

but hey mor e fluff

yep

thanks for reading!

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