A/N: Something that just popped up in my mind, when listening to this song and since its December here you go. Hope you like it.
As usual, flashbacks are in italics.
Jade sits at the edge of the coffee shop, hands clenched into tight fists on her lap, as she takes deep breaths over and over. She can do this; she's Jade West for fuck sakes.
So why is she shaking like a leaf?
/
"Vega, I-I can't do this anymore." Jade says quietly, trying to avoid Tori's eyes that she can surely bet was wide with hurt and disbelief. The snow started to just fall, it landed onto her face, her breath coming out into white puffs.
Tori's hands were shaking, the roses she clutched threatening to fall. The cold December wind blows pass them both but they don't seem to notice it, too wrapped up in the tense atmosphere that landed upon them.
Jade turned away from Tori, she can't bear to see the look of pain she caused to appear on the girl's face. "I'm sorry, I just- goodbye."
Then she ran to her car and sped away.
Tori was left standing in the middle of the park, looking at the spot where Jade stood moments before, like she couldn't believe the past few minutes even happened.
Jade left.
The roses in her hand finally fell into the cold ground, and tears fell down her cheeks in silent streams. Her whole body felt cold, but not from the weather.
/
It's been months but Jade still has nightmares about that night. She wakes up crying, clutching her chest, shouting Tori's name.
The most sleep she can get was four hours a day.
She thought leaving Tori was for the best. That leaving her would be better than giving her the chance to eventually break her.
She was also terrified, not for being alone, but for opening up to someone, to give them a glimpse of the inner workings of her mind, for showing how vulnerable she can be. Because that means she was at a greater risk of hurting, to be more damaged than she already was.
Because why let Tori in and give her a close up look on her damaged self and see how will she look at her with pity in her eyes and then decide she's not worth her time.
Who wants someone so damaged anyway?
Alone was familiar, alone was comfortable, and alone was safe.
She was terrified of Tori, because she was able to make Jade open up more than she was used to. She was scared of how easy it was for Tori to make her smile, to make her happy. She was not used to feeling these things, and she thought that if Tori can make her this happy then she can also break her to the point of no repair. That Tori can one day decide that Jade was not worth her time, that she would get tired of her and leave.
So she broke it off. She left the person that made her happier than she was her whole life standing in the dark cold park, clutching the roses that were for her.
It was her decision. So why was she regretting it so much?
/
It was Tori's birthday.
Jade was sitting on the carpeted floor of her bedroom, her back pressed against her bed. She was tightly clutching her phone, thumb hovering on Tori's name.
After a few moments she threw her phone across the room, climbed onto her bed and went to sleep.
She didn't call Tori.
/
Late June
Jade can almost feel the vibrations of Tori's body as she laughs from the passenger side of Jade's truck. A loud pop song was blasting through the dashboard. They were singing loudly, never minding if they were off key. Tori's face was flushed from laughter; her tanned skin was glowing on the sunlight that was shining through the car, her eyes bright with tears and hair blowing out of her face from the open windows.
Jade looks at her and her chest was filled with warmth. She looked beautiful.
/
Jade stood at front of a worn down looking house. She was resisting the urge to turn away and run. She braced herself and climbed up the porch steps. Each step seemed heavier than the last.
/
"I don't see anything, Vega. Quit making stuff up." Jade huffs and huddles closer into the thick quilt as a cold breeze blows through them, she had no idea why she agreed to be outside because it was late autumn and it was freezing. They were sitting on top of Tori's roof, looking up the stars. Tori was pointing out constellations but she can't see them, whatever, they were stupid anyways.
"I'm not making stuff up Jae, you just aren't looking hard enough." Tori replies, her gaze fixed on the blanket of starts above them. She then gasps and then points at something on the horizon, her other hand slaps Jade's arm.
"Jade! Look! A shooting star! Quick, make a wish!" she exclaims, shutting her eyes tight. Jade stares at the fading streak of light to the dorky girl on her side, who was murmuring quietly, she shook her head and draped her arm on the said girl. Tori smiles and buried her face on Jade's neck, savouring the warmth.
"Wishes are for losers, Vega." Jade says and kissed the top of her head, but Tori didn't care, she was too busy smiling to care.
Jade knew right then, sitting on the cold roof covered by a warm but kinda itchy quilt, that she loved Tori.
/
Jade reached the end of the steps and was standing on the porch of the house; her eyes lingered on the door. Her throat tightened up and her vision started to get blurry, she couldn't stop her brain from remembering that one night last September when she knocked in that same door.
"Jade? What's wrong?" Tori asks her when she opened the door, worry evident in her brown eyes. Jade was just standing there, head hung low. She was about to ask again when she heard Jade's quiet voice.
"They disowned me." She says, her voice breaking at the last word. She looked up at Tori, she looked broken.
"They said I was a disgrace. They don't want a lesbian daughter and told me to get out because I wasn't their daughter anymore." Jade spits out angrily, but she looked utterly broken and lost.
Tori went closer to hug her, to give her some sort of comfort but then Jade started to kick the door with hear heavy combat boots and started to yell.
"When will I be good enough?! When? I hate them! What the fuck do they want from me?!" Then she crumpled on the porch and started to cry.
Tori looked at her now broken door, and then launched herself to Jade, her arms wrapping on the sobbing girl.
"It's alright Jade, I'm here. I'm here." She whispers.
And she was, Tori was there the whole time. She never left.
Jade did.
/
Jade shook her head and blinked away the tears. She stepped closer to the door and knocked.
A few minutes passed, Jade thought that maybe it was too late. That Tori's door would never be open for her again. It serves her right, she hurt Tori, and so she deserved it.
But then the door suddenly opened and there stood Tori.
Jade felt something clutch her heart. The once happy and dorky girl that annoyed her to no end, the one she could compare to sunshine because of her glowing positivity and utter cheerfulness was gone.
She had dark bags under her eyes, her once full lips were now dry and chapped, her warm tanned skin was now sallow and pale, the chocolate brown eyes that Jade loved so much that always sparkled with happiness now seemed sunken and dull.
Tori looked dead.
Jade would know, because that's what she saw every time she looks in the mirror nowadays.
But, even if the glow of light in Tori faded out, Jade still thought that she was absolutely beautiful.
"Hey, thanks for making time to see me, you got my message?" Jade asks quietly. She was surprised that her voice didn't break.
Tori only nodded and motioned her to get inside.
They sat in the spacious living room, and small talked; how was work, how was Tori's family, and the weather. They talked about menial things until they ran out of things to say and the suffocating silence caught up with them.
Jade could see Tori's guard was up, her shoulders were tense, she was fidgeting in her seat and she can't seem to look at Jade's eyes for more than a few seconds. Jade knew why of course, that's why she cleared her throat and started to speak again.
"I'm sorry."
Tori looked up at her in surprise, she opened her mouth as if to say something but Jade cut her off, she needed to let this all out before she lost her nerve.
"I'm sorry for that night. I'm sorry for leaving you there alone, I'm sorry for not calling you on your birthday, for being so fucking stupid, and for having the nerve to even ask you if you could take the time to see me even though you probably have more important things to do, and I'm sorry that every night for the last eight months I wake up crying and shouting your name to the shadows like as if that would make you come and hug me like you used to, and I'm sorry for thinking of every fucking thing I did wrong and regretting it every single time. I'm sorry for being so scared of opening up to you, and letting you in that I pushed you away, I'm sorry that I'm so fucking broken that I can't even handle having a functioning relationship without me ruining it to bits. And I'm sorry that I still love you and that I-"
She tried to breathe but it just transformed into a sob, and soon enough her body was shaking from crying.
"I'm so sorry." She finally choked out.
Tori was looking at her with wide eyes, she can't seem to find the right words to say to the girl across from her. She tried her best to keep her emotions in check and keep them hidden from Jade.
Jade took a deep breath; she was mentally kicking herself because of her outburst. She wanted to ease these things into Tori not blurt it all out like that. And even after all the stuff she said Tori still looked at her impassively.
She suddenly stood up, wanting to get away.
"I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna go-I-uh..sorry." She stammers and turned to the door to leave but Tori was quick on her feet and grasp her wrist tightly.
Jade looked at her wrist in surprise and then to the girl who was looking at her with an intense gaze.
"You can't do these things Jae." Tori says to her, and her chest tightens again, but this time it was a pleasant feeling, a welcome one. Hearing Tori use her nickname for her brought back the warmth and happiness just a bit.
"You can't just waltz back in here telling me all these stuff, apologizing and then leave again. No, you can't fucking do that Jade. You broke me, you left me there crying and…" she let go of Jade's wrist and tugged on her hair in frustration.
Jade was still standing there dumbly until she finally found her voice again.
"That's why I'm here. I don't want to run away anymore. I want- well if you want to take me back- I would really…yeah." She finishes lamely.
Tori just stares at her, face still guarded. Jade waited for a few tense moments her heart was hammering, preparing for the worst.
"You hurt me Jade, you left me. How am I supposed to trust you now?" Tori asks, she didn't know what to do. She was so confused, her mind was a mess.
"Tor, if you'll forgive me, I want to make it up to you; I want to be with you. I was scared Tor, I was terrified of opening up, and get hurt in the end. But I just got hurt more, I felt more broken than I was ever in my whole fucking miserable life and I broke you too in the process. You made me so happy. With you I felt alive, and when I let you go, I just started to drown. If you could just take me back, I'll do everything to make it all better, even if you just want us to be friends."
Tori kept looking at her, searching for any dishonesty in Jade's eyes but she just found total and complete honesty. Jade never looked so open before, like all her walls has been torn down.
So she walked closer to the pale girl in front of her and looked at her straight in the eyes.
"Things aren't going to be back like they used to be before; you can't really expect me to be fine after what you did to me Jade. But I want to be with you too."
Jade was elated, she wanted to pinch herself to make sure this isn't another one of her obscure dreams, but before she can fully celebrate she was cut off by Tori.
"Just promise me one thing Jae."
"Anything." She quickly replies.
"I don't want you to be so closed off again, it's alright if you want some time for yourself but you need to talk to me, if you're scared or sad or angry. You need to tell me these things because I want to help you; I'm always here for you Jae."
Jade nodded as she looked at Tori, her Tori, the light in her chocolate brown eyes were returning again.
"You love me again?" Jade asks her, a small smile on her face.
"Who said I stopped?" Tori replied, and she smiled too.
Jade couldn't really help herself when she saw that smile, so she pulled the girl closer to her and wrapped her arm around Tori's waist feeling the warmth that she painfully missed.
Tori clutched Jade just as tightly, she still smelled like Jasmine and mint. And for the first time in months, she was content. She felt alive.
"I missed you." Tori murmurs into Jade's shirt.
Jade just kissed the top of her head and hummed in agreement.
"You don't have to anymore. I'm not going anywhere." She promised.
And she remained true to that promise.
A/N: Soooo, you like? Tell me what you think and as always, thanks for reading.