A/N: I beg you not to read too much into this. It was written by Tsona and I several years ago when we were twelve or thirteen and high on sugar. I put it up at her request, because we still laugh when we read it! But in no way is it intended to be a serious, well-written, or tasteful story. Just laugh at the absurdity of it all!

Co-written by Tsona (we bounced back and forth between sentences).

Disclaimer: LotR is the property of Tolkien, and thank goodness too - if we owned it, this part might have actually made it into the movie. o.O

Dwarves Love Red Meat

Legolas screamed out in agony. "GIMLI!" cried the Elf. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HAIR?!?!"

The dwarf raised his battle axe once more. "Cutting it, what's it look like?"

"BUT – BUT – BUT WHY??!!?!"

"It's too long. If you ever learn to fly, it'll get all tangled."

"Gimli. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to ever learn to FLY!"

"Even if you suddenly sprouted wings?"

"… How would that happen?"

"Gandalf," Gimli replied shortly, striking again with his axe.

"Is Gandalf planning something?" asked Legolas, rolling his beautiful blue eyes.

"I was hoping you'd know," Gimli said, horrorstruck.

"… YOU MEAN YOU'VE CHOPPED OFF MY BRAIDS FOR NOTHING?!?!?"

Gimli considered a second. "Yeah. Something like that."

A few minutes later, Legolas arrived without Gimli in front of the rest of the company. "Well… who's hungry?"

Pippin snorted. "What happened to you? You look like you lost a fight with a lawnmower."

"In the end, I won it," growled Legolas. "So who's hungry?"

The hobbits raised their hands while everyone else rolled their eyes at them. Hobbits ate too often. Legolas provided them with lots of tough but tasty meat. He wouldn't say what it was, though everyone agreed it was delicious.

"So, Legs," said Aragorn, "where's Gimli?"

"Gimli who?" He thought a minute. "Oh, Gimli! … MWAHAHAHA… he was feeling a little jerky and beefy before…"

The others just stared and then looked slowly down at the meat in their hands.

"… Did we just eat…" began Merry. Suddenly, none of the hobbits had any appetite.

"Legs, did you kill Gimli and feed him to us?" asked Aragorn.

"No…" Legolas said, thinking quickly. "A tree killed him."

Aragorn hugged Legolas and whispered in his ear, "THANK YOU FOR RIDDING US OF THAT OAF!!! HE ATE MORE THAN ALL THE HOBBITS PUT TOGETHER! PLUS HE LOVED RED MEAT!! YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT RIGHT!!!"

Merry looked down at his piece. "No," he announced. "Dwarf is white."

The. Friggin. End.