Something New
A Phan fanfiction
It was about 12am when Phil had woken up.
This wasn't...that unusual; he'd had nightmares before and woken up-screaming in some cases-and of course there were those nights where he needed to use the bathroom pretty badly and even more frequently, a case of the good ol' midnight munchies.
Today...or tonight-wasn't it tomorrow already?-though, he didn't have the slightest clue as to what woke him up.
Until he heard the doorbell buzz that is.
"Uh?" Phil blinks and rubs his eyes. The clock's still at 12. Wait, it'd gone to 12:13 while he'd lain in bed, confused as heck. But still pretty close to 12.
Wasn't it way too early in the morning for the postman?
Then again, this could be a dream. Time had no effect on dreams, did it? The postman would show up in 12 in the morning, probably in an astronaut suit. Maybe the postman was the giraffe from animal crossing. That'd be nice.
Bzzzzzt!
Oh god, that sound was so annoying that his head physically hurts. This is way too annoying to be a dream.
Phil rolls around in bed for a while and was severely disappointed when the buzzing didn't stop like he hoped it would. In fact, it sounded like it'd gotten even louder and more annoying, if that was even possible.
Sighing, he sits up and rubs his eyes before stumbling to his feet, grabbing his glasses off the nightstand. Somehow, he'd managed to make his way to the door without stubbing his toe on anything.
Only to run into a giant fluffy marshmallow as soon as he opened it.
"! Wah!"
Aaaaaand down on the floor. Already. He'd been doing so well too!
"Phil?" Dan's voice said, coming from the depths of the giant marshmallow thing.
"Dan?" Phil asks back, getting to his feet again, "What...why are you like that? Did your quilt eat you alive or something?"
"Yes Phil, Dan Howell no longer exists. I, the Quilt-Demon have taken his place." Dan says and yup it's Dan, with that very familiar sarcastic tone, "No, I'm trying to preserve what decency I have left by not walking in the flat at midnight naked."
"Oh, ok."
Another bzzzzzt and Dan adds, "Also, I don't want to get blood on me when I murder whoever's standing out there and ringing the doorbell so many goddamn times."
"Dan, no. No murder."
"Can't guarantee it."
"Dan."
Dan snorts and walks away. Phil quickly follows him to the door to make sure no bloodshed actually occurs.
When they're both downstairs, the buzzing stops almost immediately.
"...Don't tell me it was a random kid pulling a prank on us." Phil says.
"Oh god, I hope not. He's probably too far away to throw this knife at."
"Dan."
"I'm kidding. Mostly."
They're about to step away from the door when they hear it.
Small, stifled sobs.
"...What."
"Where's that...is that coming from the door?" Phil asks, looking back. They take a step back towards the door and sure enough, the crying was louder in volume.
They exchange a look before they carefully crack the door open.
A tiny little shadow in black greets them.
"...sniff...uuuuuuh..."
"What the fuck?" Dan says softly, squinting at said little shadow.
"Dan, language." Phil says, after discerning that the shadow was in fact a small child. Holding a fish plushie and staring at the both of them with tearful eyes, "U-um, kid. Are you alright?"
The child just stares at them both, sniffing.
"Where's your mother?" Phil tries again.
The child blinks. Seems that question got through to him.
Then he slowly raises his hand.
And points to both of them.
Understandably, they both remain silent after this action.
It's only when the little boy flinches a little bit at the expression on their faces, does Dan say, "Uh, kid...I don't think you understand. Where's your mother?"
The child cocks his head to the side-a pretty cute image-and points towards the both of them again. And this time, the gesture is accompanied by a few soft words:
"Papa...Dada..."
And if one listened closely, they could hear the screams of Daniel Howell as they echo shrilly through the night.
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It's about an hour later, when the boys have sufficiently calm down somehow and the little boy stops crying-his sniffs had turned into terrified sobs when Dan started screaming-that they invite the kid in to try to talk to him properly.
"We look like child molesters like this." Dan sighs. Phil shushes him again and seats the little kid at the dinner table.
And of course, he takes Dan's chair.
A few minutes and two cups of coffee later, Phil says, "Ok. So uh, kid. What's your name?"
The child stares at him in confusion. "Papa." He says while pointing at Phil.
Whilst Phil looks like he's suffering through a mini heart-attack, Dan takes a hearty swig of coffee, pauses to fan his tongue while cringing and shuffles a bit out of his blanket to cool himself down. Then he says, "Ok. That is Papa. I am D-dada." He says resolutely, ignoring Phil's squeak, "But who are you?"
The kid buries his chin in the fish plushie, kicks his feet. Doesn't answer.
"Ok, where did you come from?"
The kid slowly raises his head and points at Phil. Then at Dan.
"...I think D...Dada means which place you came from? Where's your home?"
The kid ducks his head again and sniffs, dangerous tears forming in his eyes.
"Ok, ok! Bad question to ask! Bad Phil!" Dan says hastily, "Uh...that's a cute plushie?"
The child brightens up unexpectedly at that and holds it out in front of him, beaming.
"Where did you get that from?" Phil asks carefully.
The kid blinks at him.
"Did you pick it up somewhere?"
Shakes head.
"Did someone give to you?"
Nods head.
"What...someone gave this to you?!" Dan exclaims, "Wait, wait, that doesn't sound the least bit safe! What if there's like razor blades stuck in there or something? More to the point, how did you even get here anyway? Did someone randomly give it to you on the metro or something?"
"Met...ro?"
"At any rate, it would be better if you just let go of that, ok?" Dan says carefully and it's kind of a bad idea to take a stuffed toy from a random kid that thinks that he's his father, but he reaches out anyway...
And grabs at empty air as the kid slips out of his reach and flies out of his reach with the random fairy wings that popped right out of his goddang back.
Phil claps his hand on Dan's mouth to stop him from screaming again. To be fair, he's got his trademark deer-in-the-headlights look that he usually has on when they've played Slender. Or Outlast. Or any other horror game in general. And he's also squeaked a fair amount, so there's that.
The kid hugs the stuffed toy closer to himself, looking slightly angry now.
"...Before you bring lightning down on us or something..." Phil says slowly, "We're not going to take that away, ok? Dada won't be mean to you anymore."
"Dada would love to affirm that, but Dada currently cannot talk right now." Dan says, words slightly muffled.
"You are talking right now." Phil points out.
"I'm technically not."
"Yes you are."
The child giggles and settles back down in the chair. His wings stay on his back though, his...his freaking transparent fairy wing things that look like something out of a 18th century storybook. Fairy wings. Wings.
Phil stares at them even as he says, "So...what should we do now?"
"I dunno, Phil. We're basically butterfly-fairy-child nappers and the kid in question could basically fry us at any moment. And he thinks we're his dads." Dan says and it's with extreme restraint that he doesn't just faceplant on the table and start screaming again. It's actually a miracle that he sounds so calm.
"It...couldn't be so bad, right? I mean. Fairies. They're real." The fact seems to hit Phil anew, sweeping away the last of the sleep cobwebs, "Oh my god, fairies are real and we're a fairy's dads. Oh my god."
"But isn't there a thing where fairies actually eat humans? Y'know, the ones that steal babies, or drag people through swamps and drown them." Dan points out.
"...I don't think this kid's a cannibal fairy. I mean, look at him."
"That's how they get you, Philip. They just suck you in with their cute brown eyes and..." Dan squints a bit at the kid, "...Is it just me or does he...look a bit like me?"
"What?" Phil follows Dan's line of vision and...wait a sec, the kid does kind of look like Dan. Hobbit hair and piercings and...wait no, the chubby cheeks were a thing with Dan? Well they were when he was younger, but for some reason, the face area didn't look like Dan but...it did look like Phil.
And the longer he stared at the fairy child, the more did he realize that yes, he did look a lot like Phil in that respect. Dan's hair and eyes and even the t-shirt was like his, but he looked a lot like Phil.
Like...a blend of the two of them together. Like an actual lovechild that he sees of them on phan blogs.
...
"U-uh...don't tell me..."
Dan's the one who claps his hand over Phil's face this time, "N-no, no! Come on, it's a coincidence! It has to be."
"Are you sure? Because he really does look like our child..."
"Forget it! M-maybe it's just the lack of sleep and the coffee high talking! In fact, I think I'm dreaming up this entire thing. Yeah. Yeah, maybe some purple elephants would just barrel through the wall or something."
"Dan?"
"Purple elephants and the ceiling will just pull back like a car thing and the sky will be bright pink. Bright pink's a nice color."
"Ok...we've lost him. Dan, maybe you should go back to sleep now; I think all those nights of staying up till 6 in the morning are finally affecting your brain."
"What are you saying, Phil? I'm already asleep! You're going to be wearing a giraffe head soon. Or maybe a zebra head like last time. I'm can't get sleepy if I'm already asleep!" He says this right as a big yawn interrupts that last sentence. Evidently, Phil wasn't that far off the mark.
Phil sighs and yanks Dan's quilt back up again to cover him properly with it and says, "Come on, Dan. I'll talk to him a little more, but you need to get your sleep."
"I'm not,"Yawn, "Sleepy."
"Yes you are. Now come on." Phil says and Dan grumbles before he hoists himself up, wobbling a bit already.
"Dada?"
"Dada's going to sleep now. But I'm going to be here and talk to you!" Phil says with a smile, "Ok?"
The little child nods, a big smile on his face.
"Hah. He's got your smile." Dan says.
"Oh yeah, he does."
"It's kind of adorable actually." Is what Dan says and then he turns around kind of abruptly and heads for the couch. He sits on it, turns to say, "Goodnight, Phil." in a kind of weird voice and hits the cushions without further ado.
"...That was weird."
The fairy child just stares at him, head cocked to the side again.
It does look pretty cute, actually.
"Alright. So first and foremost, are you hungry?"
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Dan wakes up to the smell of burnt food and something big and heavy attacking the general area of his abdomen.
"Buwah!"
"Dan!"
"What the fuck?! Phil? What-what-what happened?!"
"Language, Dan." Phil chides.
"Wha-what do you mean language? It's not like there's little itty-bitty kids around the house. And get off of me, you weirdo!"
"Dan, of course there are little itty bitty kids here."
"...Huh?"
"What, did you forget?"
And that's when Dan notices the little child with eerily familiar hobbit hair floating above him, flapping his little fairy wings.
"Dil's been like that the entire time." Phil says, nodding towards said fairy boy, "I think he wants you to play with him."
"...So the dream I had yesterday wasn't a product of cold pizza at 11pm?"
"Nope."
"And that's why I'm naked on the couch?"
"...Why did you think that you were naked on the couch?"
Dan pointedly avoids answering that question and instead stretches and yawns. Then groans as Dil plops down next to Phil; he wasn't exactly light as a feather either. The kid ignores his complaints and just snuggles up next to him.
"...Did you just call him Dil?"
"Yeah! We can't just keep calling him 'fairy child' forever now, can we? And that was the only name that he liked..."
"Isn't that basically a combination of our names together?"
"He liked that over Phan."
"Oh thank god." At least, Dil sounded semi-normal. Like Dill pickles.
Dan then realizes that he is starving.
"Get off, I need to get something to eat."
"I'll get you some cereal, but you stay with Dil."
"I don't think I have much of a choice." Dan points out. But he does pet the kid's head while he talks.
He's slightly adorable like this.
"Oh yeah! I think I know why we ended up with a random fairy child all of a sudden."
Dan stops petting him immediately. "Excuse me?"
Phil walks back out of the kitchen, a fresh smell of smoke drifting around him. Oh god. Dan mentally prays for the safety of his kitchen vessels before he asks, "What do you mean, Phil?"
"Well, remember that one time when we went to the park and I rubbed myself against a random tree?"
Dan snorts rather explosively at that. It startles Dil at the very least.
"That could have been worded better, but yes." He says after patting Dil a little more.
"And then you joined me at the tree rubbing thing at my insistence?"
"Against my better judgement, yes."
"When I gave some paper and pencils to Dil, he drew this." And he shows a paper with the childlike scribbles of a sun, a tree and three people under it.
Scratch that, two people under the tree...around the tree, on opposite sides with a third, smaller person in the branches.
"Are you telling me we accidentally conceived a fairy child by just touching hands under a tree."
"I-I don't think that happened exactly!" Phil says, a bit flustered, "But uh, I read up online and apparently, forest fairies are the most prone to playing tricks on humans and-"
"You're telling me we got pranked by winged people by them giving us a tumblr-esque lovechild?"
"I think that happened, yes."
"...Suddenly I don't feel hungry anymore." Dan says, flopping back against the cushions. Dil squeaks a bit at the sudden movement.
That one's from Phil.
Phil shrugs, "Alright. I was thinking of getting him a new plushie since we're going out this evening anyway."
"A momentous occasion that occurs once in a blue moon." Dan says, "I'd feel much safer getting him a razor-free plushie though. Fairy or no fairy."
But what were they going to do about this situation? This entire, absolutely crazy situation that literally derailed their lives in the span of one night?
What the heck were they supposed to do with a fairy child that literally popped up in their lives from literal nowhere?
Not much for the moment, it looks like.
"Papa!" Dil says quite suddenly and he's grabbing at Phil's hand now. Links it with Dan's hand. "Dada!"
"...Uh..."
"Yup. Yup, I'm Dada and he's Papa." Dan says and to his credit, he sounds casual. He shakes their hands a bit for emphasis and then lets go to rub Dil's head again, "Did you even go to sleep last night?"
"Nope. And I haven't either, actually." Phil says.
"Oh, I know that. You've got that slightly deranged look to you." Dan stretches a bit again, "Since I'm already up, I'll take over scamp duty. You go to bed then."
"Awww, alright." At Dan's raised eyebrow, Phil continues, "He's really cute! He isn't a demon child like most of the kids nowadays."
"Whatever you say, old timer."
"I'm not that much older than you!"
"Still older." Dan points out.
Phil frowned at him, then says, "I'm going to bed."
"You do that."
It's when he finally goes to bed that Dan sits up and carefully sets Phil down. "I'll resume petting you when my breath doesn't smell like bad pizza decisions and 2am coffee." He says, as he walks to the bathroom, dragging the quilt behind him.
He sets the quilt on the bed, walks to the bathroom and promptly dunks his face in cold water.
When he brings his face back up again, he rubs his bright red cheeks, pointedly ignoring the little face that peeks through the gap in the door. A familiar little face that reminds him of another face that knows all too well.
All too well.
He shakes his head as if trying to dislodge the remnants of his nightly dreams. And what they consisted.
It doesn't really work.
"Dada?"
"...It's nothing, Dil."
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this actually has a comic on tumblr
and fairy!dil is such an entertaining idea to me omg like
what a tiny terror i love him
and poor dan. there's gonna be more of the story so don't fret!
thanks for reading :D
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