Disclaimer: Code Geass is owned by Sunrise. This Fanfiction is owned by me.
Warning: The story is a parody and expect out-of-character behavior.
Warning #2: This contains politically incorrect material, while care has been taken to prevent malicious slander against people, the story is still unsafe for those 18 below. If you belong to this age group, read at your own risk.
Description: Who was the real Lelouch Di Britannia? Let's find out!
Imperial Britannian Broadcasting Corporation proudly introduces:
The Real Lelouch of Britannia
Narrated by Boy Cula-Ngotte
2019 a.t.b.
"His Majesty used up all his libido with his harem. That's why the majority of the Imperial Family bit the dust.That's sad."
-"Orange-kun", Unidentified former Holy Britannian Army Officer, now working at an orange plantation
"Lelouch? He is a man-lover with that Eleven and that Rolo whatever the hell is real name. That's why."
-Gino Weinberg, Alleged former Knight of Rounds, now working as a Pizza Hut delivery boy
"Oh, the Emperor? Which Emperor?"
-"L.L.", hay cart driver, face hidden for fear of retribution
That's what the general public had said about the man that is the most enigmatic in Britannian history and yet ended in an assassination shrouded in mystery. The man that conquered and bent his nations to his will, and yet died hated by his own people.
His name is Lelouch vi Britannia.
Lelouch vi Britannia is easily the most vilified man in history, bringing most of the world's leaders to the firing squad, and yet, he is the one who died in the hands of the hero of Japan only known as Zero.
But who was really Lelouch vi Britannia?
Here's the real story.
One day, in the summer of 1996 a.t.b., Charles di Britannia, then the Emperor of Britannia, had gotten blind-drunk from drinking too much bourbon in a joint in Pendragon city after his 41st wife had gone wild in a drag show. Opponents of the Emperor, identified only as the 'NAC', tried to kill him by bringing a washing machine and slam him to the machine and put kilograms of raw sakuradite liquid. Fortunately, the incompetence of the said group had attracted attention of a young waitress named Marianne Lamperouge. She allegedly caused the assassins to put themselves into the washing machine, sprinkling themselves with powder, and Marianne, realizing that the drunk guy lying prone is the Emperor, spirited him out before the effect of sakuradite destroyed the pub.
When the Emperor went back to his senses, he realized who saved him. There, he decided that he should look out of this woman. He sent his Imperial Intelligence Service, checking her vital statistics, her cup size, her favorite toothbrush, and so on. However, tired of spying, anyway, he entered Marianne's house, and claiming that he's on a vacation, proposed. She accepted, allegedly without reservation.
In 1997 a.t.b., he decided that he will marry Marianne Lamperouge, as he declared on live television, as a token of love for saving him. Of course, there were that botched wedding cake allegedly spiked with melamine. He called for a diplomatic protest against the Chinese Federation after this, when it turs out that it was a drug called Refrain. He then instructed his Prime Minister, Duke Carolus Oompahton Wellesley, to pass a law banning cakes made in China from Britannian shores.
In the year 2000, the couple were given the blessing of their first child. Marianne, who hailed from Quebec Province, suggested that they name their child Lelouch, after a blogger from that province who claims that the 1999 terror bombing of the HIMS Lexington in the Middle Eastern Federation's waters was caused by Britannian Farm Inc. Charles objected, claiming that such incompetent blogger of that caliber should be honored with his son's name, but then relented.
Lelouch's first years were such a malice. He, according to his former wet nurse, bit her breast while feeding him, urinated Princess Cornelia La Britannia's private plot, ate Premier Schneizel's chesspieces, and so on. However, a former houseboy in the Imperial Palace named Jeremiah Gottwald begs to differ. He said that he only lost to Prince Schneizel in all chess games he played, he is an exacting person when he was cooking, and was a crossdresser to the point that in a play, he used Milly Ashford, now a TV personality, as a voice actress. Ashford denied this.
She said, "Well, he's not gay. He's an enigma."
He first enrolled at an institute for boys called the Hairy Peter Institute at the tender age of seven. It is known that he had fairly good grades, except Physical Education, despite the fact that he skipped classes to avoid being caught reading ecchi comics, strips depicting semi-naked Eleven-erh Japanese women. It was later discovered that this is the same comic that was the inspiration for the Psycho-killer Euphemia's attitude. He had caught asthma caused by overeating pochi made in Taiwan Province, China, that was the epicenter of the H-Tai "Stinking Fart" virus that caused insanity to 3,000 people in that year.
He is also known for pointing out that their Math teacher is gay, and a pedophile at that. This caused Lelouch to be expelled, much to the dismay of his parents.
A student need not to be named claimed that Lelouch spread a viral video through I-Pipe Website that shows the Math teacher having a polka dance with a boy named only as Rolo. The principal, a friend of the math teacher, promptly kicked out Lelouch, fearing that his own pedophile proclivities be exposed.
On the year 2003 a.t.b., Lelouch gains a new sibling, named Nunnally. Lelouch cared for his sibling as though as he was the father. However, Nunnally is the complete opposite of Lelouch, given to being presented with hydrocephalic Bratz dolls, usually from his brother.
Lelouch was again enrolled at a new school in Hawaii Province, called the Pearl Academy in his fourth grade. This school had a reputation for being relatively liberal. But Lelouch turned out to be more liberal than others. He submitted a school report describing the then top-secret Knightmare Frame to the slightest detail. Fearing that he would be a liability, the school expelled Lelouch.
Irritated by a second expulsion, Charles had a new opportunity. Ironically, this happened on the assassination of Empress Marianne. By then, he lost most of his hair in a cooking accident involving his son Odysseus, apparently by using a handheld flamethrower to light the non-functioning stove. His last known hairstyle, harkening back to the 16th century, had caused outrage among fashion designers, that out of shame, he had them locked up on Alcatraz. He explained to the public that he can't find any good wigs that would suit him, and "'cause he liked it that way", hence the barrister's wig. His popularity ratings declined after that incident.
Victor Vi Britannia, the Emperor's older brother, had a fight with Marianne over chocolate. The chocolate, Victor claimed, is Cadbury and was made in China, which was banned by her husband. Marianne merely wanted to give it as a birthday present for the Emperor. However, V.V. refused, and when the inevitable banter ensued, V.V., as Prince Victor was called, accidentally killed her with a Japanese toy sub-machine gun converted with sakuradite.
The only witnesses were Nunnally's "best-friend", named Anya Erlstreim, and Nunnally herself. The latter unfortunately was hit on the legs with 12 rounds of the said submachine gun. This also caused her to be blind until recently and caused her permanent crippling.
On an interview with Erlstreim, she said that:
"Well, when the Empress saw me in the face, I thought I was her. She died smiling, as though she was anticipating this. But over melamine-spiked Cadbury chocolates? That's batshit insane."
Victor was charged with homicide, but later was cleared of charges, due to "lack of evidence", and Victor's defense that Marianne tried to kill him, and he had to grab the gun from her, unfortunately pulling the trigger. The trial was short, to the shock of Lelouch.
Lelouch explained to his father the Emperor that VV should be jailed for killing his mother. Charles then accused Lelouch of setting the whole thing up and claimed that he had still 48 wives left. Charles then said that he could no longer speak to him and arranged for Lelouch to study in Ashford Academy in Japan.
Many were still outraged at Charles decision. A former Britannian military officer named Guilford claims:
"He doesn't know how to run a harem, more less than a whorehouse unlike me. See, after that incident with his 26th wife, he is now feeling infertile and had to drink an entire vial of Viagra just for that."
By this time, relations with Britannia, and Cambodia, a tributary state of the Chinese Federation, turned sour. It was determined that the narcotic Refrain was made in that country, and the mysterious death of the Britannian ambassador to Cambodia, Whay Wewaitte, were linked. So Charles launched a full expedition and occupied Cambodia, then known as Area 10. Half of the population was turned over to the Soylent Corporation, and God knows how Soylent dealt with the Cambodians. However, persistent rumors that Soylent Soya Flakes are made from the poor,executed bodies of the Khmer people, some, disturbingly, were processed alive.
It was later known that Japan armed the Cambodians with 20 Knightmare Frames, then, the Imperial Intelligence Services retrieved documents proving that Premier Kururugi of Japan had personally met with the Cambodian leader named Pot Pot and arranged that Charles be assassinated.
Then, with enough evidence that Kururugi masterminded the entire thing, public outcry spread throughout Britannia. Convinced, Charles declared war against Japan.
Lelouch had some friends, including the Prime Minster's son, when the Britannian-Japanese War began. He had been looking for lost cookies in his hiking trip when Britannian warships bombarded the land of the Rising Sun.
End of Part 1.