His Replacement
Don't they understand?
Don't they see?
I cannot be him. I am myself. Why do they want me to be someone else?
I can see it in their eyes, their actions. Yu takes glances at me when I
pass, and his eyes flicker up to a place above my head, where he was accustomed to
seeing my brother's face, taller than me. Then he takes into account my clothes,
my hair, my face, and then turns away. I know what he's thinking even without
touching him or reading his mind or emotions: this boy, this replacement, isn't
Ernest.
Rio was late yesterday to lunch. He dashed in about ten minutes later,
saying something about asking Dr. Rill something in the infirmary. He got his
lunch from the chef (who yelled at him and piled on an even greater portion of food)
not that Rio would ever complain) and looked around. By now, the cafeteria was
already packed with students. As usual, the pilots and the repairers sat apart, but
in their own little groups. There were two places left: a spot in front of me,
and a place near the other pilots. I sat alone, as usual, the closest person being
a chair or two away. Taking account of my face, he pulled his eyes away and sat
down by Gareas, who welcomed him with a slap and a loud exclamation. Rio didn't
answer, but his eyes darted to me, then turned almost shamefully away.
I felt like I could never belong. Was I destined to walk in my dead
brother's shadow everywhere?
Was I destined to hate my brother for the rest of my life?
It would be easier if he were alive. If my brother were alive, I wouldn't
blame him. If my brother were alive, I would remember clearly how he soothed me to
sleep each night by channeling sleep patterns, how he used to talk to me and
encourage me when an especially hard exercise from the Instructor came up. My
brother was a kind, patient person. Private and secluded, but that was to be
expected of everyone who was a telepath of some sort. But now, all I could think of
was how much I hated him, how much he ignored me, how much he neglected to be there
for me when I needed him the most.
Now.
And I knew it was unfair to him and his memory, for his brother to hate him
for something he did so selflessly. Maybe that was the problem with telepaths;
after being around so many people, so many emotions, you want to make them all
happy, all positive, no hate and no disagreement. That's what makes telepaths so
sensitive to be around: their love of other people. By hearing other people's
thoughts and feelings we want to save the world from ourselves and our negative
feelings. It's a hopeless war, but one that the telepaths fight selfishly; it
almost seems as if we are fighting for our own sanity. If we were completely
surrounded by hate, I think something bad would happen, like going crazy or jumping
into an Ingrid and taking off alone into a Victim-ridden battlefield. That is what
people determine as heroic, but I only determine as lives thrown away.
I see the resentment most of all in Gareas's eyes. My brother's best
friend, he tries so hard to accept me into the other pilots, into his own heart.
But I can see it in his eyes, the look of "you're not Ernest, you're just a
replacement".
Just a replacement. I'm not Ernest, I can't be as perfect a friend as he
was to everyone else, and I can't be the kind, patient, people-loving soul he was.
I can try, but I'll never come close to how he handled people. He was everything
to the others: their confidant, their peacemaker, the quiet, shy, smart one who
thought of all the devious plans for mischief around GOA. He was the one they were
sure would watch their backs in battle. He was the one they trusted.
Trust. That is the thing I don't have from them.
I did not want to be promoted to pilot rank when my brother died. The only
reason I was at the top of the list was because of my brother's urging. Never,
never had I wanted to replace him in anything. He did everything he wanted to do
best. He was invincible, even though my telepathy knew otherwise. Just when I was
more than ever determined to get a pilot, I got the place. As my brother's
replacement. I would do it for any other pilot: Rio, Gareas, Yu, even Teela, if
she ever retires. But I had planned on being on the same pilot team as my brother.
I had planned for my time as a pilot to get to know my brother better. We had been
so apart, so unlike each other even though people swore I was a younger version of
Ernest. I wanted that time to understand him. I wanted to spend that time to be
his brother.
But now he's gone, and what's left? Me.
His replacement.
/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \
Author's note:
So, my first Megami Kouhousei fic. Figures, doesn't it, that my first fic
is always my most angstiest. So obvious, but I always start off writing a new
anime with a one-shot. I have another story planned out, but that'll be a long
time before I write it because I'm not done with a lot of other fics, as you can
see from my records. I'm going to finish up "The Gate of Heavenly Peace", then go
to "Cup of Tea and a Kiss", and then whatever else is left over. Some peoples
(namely Zinkers) want me to write this one GW fic that we thought up together...but
I don't have any time. Ah well, I'll get to it later, maybe during the summer.
Andrea Weiling
Don't they understand?
Don't they see?
I cannot be him. I am myself. Why do they want me to be someone else?
I can see it in their eyes, their actions. Yu takes glances at me when I
pass, and his eyes flicker up to a place above my head, where he was accustomed to
seeing my brother's face, taller than me. Then he takes into account my clothes,
my hair, my face, and then turns away. I know what he's thinking even without
touching him or reading his mind or emotions: this boy, this replacement, isn't
Ernest.
Rio was late yesterday to lunch. He dashed in about ten minutes later,
saying something about asking Dr. Rill something in the infirmary. He got his
lunch from the chef (who yelled at him and piled on an even greater portion of food)
not that Rio would ever complain) and looked around. By now, the cafeteria was
already packed with students. As usual, the pilots and the repairers sat apart, but
in their own little groups. There were two places left: a spot in front of me,
and a place near the other pilots. I sat alone, as usual, the closest person being
a chair or two away. Taking account of my face, he pulled his eyes away and sat
down by Gareas, who welcomed him with a slap and a loud exclamation. Rio didn't
answer, but his eyes darted to me, then turned almost shamefully away.
I felt like I could never belong. Was I destined to walk in my dead
brother's shadow everywhere?
Was I destined to hate my brother for the rest of my life?
It would be easier if he were alive. If my brother were alive, I wouldn't
blame him. If my brother were alive, I would remember clearly how he soothed me to
sleep each night by channeling sleep patterns, how he used to talk to me and
encourage me when an especially hard exercise from the Instructor came up. My
brother was a kind, patient person. Private and secluded, but that was to be
expected of everyone who was a telepath of some sort. But now, all I could think of
was how much I hated him, how much he ignored me, how much he neglected to be there
for me when I needed him the most.
Now.
And I knew it was unfair to him and his memory, for his brother to hate him
for something he did so selflessly. Maybe that was the problem with telepaths;
after being around so many people, so many emotions, you want to make them all
happy, all positive, no hate and no disagreement. That's what makes telepaths so
sensitive to be around: their love of other people. By hearing other people's
thoughts and feelings we want to save the world from ourselves and our negative
feelings. It's a hopeless war, but one that the telepaths fight selfishly; it
almost seems as if we are fighting for our own sanity. If we were completely
surrounded by hate, I think something bad would happen, like going crazy or jumping
into an Ingrid and taking off alone into a Victim-ridden battlefield. That is what
people determine as heroic, but I only determine as lives thrown away.
I see the resentment most of all in Gareas's eyes. My brother's best
friend, he tries so hard to accept me into the other pilots, into his own heart.
But I can see it in his eyes, the look of "you're not Ernest, you're just a
replacement".
Just a replacement. I'm not Ernest, I can't be as perfect a friend as he
was to everyone else, and I can't be the kind, patient, people-loving soul he was.
I can try, but I'll never come close to how he handled people. He was everything
to the others: their confidant, their peacemaker, the quiet, shy, smart one who
thought of all the devious plans for mischief around GOA. He was the one they were
sure would watch their backs in battle. He was the one they trusted.
Trust. That is the thing I don't have from them.
I did not want to be promoted to pilot rank when my brother died. The only
reason I was at the top of the list was because of my brother's urging. Never,
never had I wanted to replace him in anything. He did everything he wanted to do
best. He was invincible, even though my telepathy knew otherwise. Just when I was
more than ever determined to get a pilot, I got the place. As my brother's
replacement. I would do it for any other pilot: Rio, Gareas, Yu, even Teela, if
she ever retires. But I had planned on being on the same pilot team as my brother.
I had planned for my time as a pilot to get to know my brother better. We had been
so apart, so unlike each other even though people swore I was a younger version of
Ernest. I wanted that time to understand him. I wanted to spend that time to be
his brother.
But now he's gone, and what's left? Me.
His replacement.
/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \
Author's note:
So, my first Megami Kouhousei fic. Figures, doesn't it, that my first fic
is always my most angstiest. So obvious, but I always start off writing a new
anime with a one-shot. I have another story planned out, but that'll be a long
time before I write it because I'm not done with a lot of other fics, as you can
see from my records. I'm going to finish up "The Gate of Heavenly Peace", then go
to "Cup of Tea and a Kiss", and then whatever else is left over. Some peoples
(namely Zinkers) want me to write this one GW fic that we thought up together...but
I don't have any time. Ah well, I'll get to it later, maybe during the summer.
Andrea Weiling