The Confusing Story About Snow White
Once, a long long long long long long
time ago…
"Hey! That's not how the story goes! What gives?"
the Evil Witch shouted. "Quit messin up MY story!! I'll tell you the grisly
details of the REAL story your parents were afraid to tell you!!" She suddenly
turned into a narrarator.
A long time ago, when I was a young little
princess, training for royalty, a handsome young prince happened to come to our
fair and vast kingdom in search of the hand in marriage of the beautiful maiden
who would be the loving mother of his seven year old child. Naturally, I
was the perfect choice. So when he looked my way, he was smitten with a love so
powerful he married me without question.
As the years went by, his ungrateful
little brat who had once appeared so kind and beautiful became vain, and
envious of anyone who shared her queen-like beauty. EVEN ME! She had
faked a letter from the royal militia that her father was needed in the much
awaited war between Pakistan and India. So, acting like a fool, my wonderful
husband (a gullible creature that would fall for anything) bravely rode off
into the battle that never was.
I was so repulsed at what she did, I
instructed my bravest hunter to take into the forest and chase her off, where
she would be forced to live like a peasent for the rest of her days. I jokingly
added to him that he should bring back her heart. How was I supposed to know he
would take me seriously? However, instead of her heart, he brought the heart of
a young doe. I thought the thick dolt had actually cut out her heart, so I ran
off into the forest to find her. Instead I found her living off the company of
seven young midgets. She had obviously seduced them with her beauty and
convinced them to support her. I saw how badly these poor men were being
treated, and vowed to do something about it. So, a few days later, under an old
family spell, not black magic of course, I disguised myself as a haggard old
woman with no money to live on, and went to her house to peddle apples. I had
enchanted these apples so the person who bit into one would fall asleep untill
kissed by someone who truly loved them. You see, even though I had a grudge
against this girl, I would never resort to violence, as that is the language of
cretins.
A few months later, a handsome prince,
who quite resembled my husband when I first met him, came by and saw a
beautiful girl sleeping on a cottage floor. Unable to contain himself,
Alexander Charming kissed her on the lips, forgetting all rules of personal
space he had been taught. Her eyes fluttered open, and she jumped up and leaped
on his horse and rode away, leaving her poor Prince Charming stranded in the
forest. I offered him a ride to the palace, and then followed my step daughter
on a large trained eagle we keep in the royal zoo.
I found her lip to lip with
Alexander's brother Ronaldo Charming, Cinderella's hubbie. Wait till she find
out her man's been cheating! Oh well, now to deal with Snow White. After this
shocking sight, I saw Ariel, the mermaid turned human, Cinderella, and Gretal,
walking up in a group, to have a 'special' conversation with Snow White. They
looked ready to lynch! What a croud! Even my step daughter didn't deserve that…
To be continued…