Author's Note: About a year ago I was part of a writer's club on HPANA where people write several parameters into one-shots (challenges) to develop their writing. The reason I joined was because I wanted to learn how to write comedy, which is not my strongest point (I'm far better at drama and action scenes). I participated in several challenges, but the one that's always stuck with me is the one I'm about to post: a challenge where we had to mix up Harry Potter and the world of Disney.
I don't remember every param I had to include in this shot, but what I do know is that it had to involve: Harry Potter-characters singing a Disney song together, Dobby choking Harry with his socks, a character being attacked by Thumper, Ron trying not to look stupid, a famous quote from one of the LOTR-movies, Hermione getting a lobotomy (talk about weird), an explanation as to what happened to Sirius when he fell through that veil, Sirius making fun of Dumbledore's hair and last but not least: Voldemort having an unexpected hobby.
And this is what I came up with… Enjoy! -Mara
It's a small world after all…
Lord Voldemort sat on his throne in the distant cave where he had been hiding for the last few months. He had decorated the place with some pictures of the Death Eater's Christmas celebration party from last year and had conjured an automatic heater, but the place still felt so... Cold. Contrary to what many people believed, being a Dark Lord didn't necessarily mean he was also a stone-cold man. Voldemort would actually prefer a nice warm house with fuzzy carpets on the floor and a nice Golden Retriever to keep him company. And watching Disney movies all day.
"Yes, Disney movies. Is that so strange?" Voldemort asked the readers of this entry.
When they all nodded convincingly, the Dark Lord muttered darkly and decided to simply ignore those silly Muggles. Instead, he turned up the volume of Pocahontas and hummed along with:
Just around the riverbend
Just around the riverbend
I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea?
"I mean, what is so wrong about me loving Disney movies?" Voldemort thought to himself. They were adorable, appropriate for children of all ages to watch, advising the viewers to make the right essential decisions in life...
"Okay, I see the point," he mumbled. Voldemort and Disney Movies wasn't the perfect ship one could think of. But Voldemort did not need to fear that his respect commanding image was in danger, because he would never tell his faithful subjects about his secret passion. Or Harry Potter for that matter...
Voldemort growled inwardly when his thoughts shifted to the Potter brat. So Dumbledore told Potter about the Horcruxes before Snape sent the Headmaster off to wizarding heaven. And now the kid knew that destroying the Horcruxes was the only way to eventually kill him off. Voldemort snorted at the ridiculousness of that idea. Potter managing to murder him? He would like to see that. He knew his Horcruxes were still in tact and although he wasn't sure how much Potter knew exactly, he would like to see how the brat would respond when he discovered the final Horcrux and its location. Voldemort sniggered and twirled his wand while he pondered "Maybe with a little help..."
"You summoned me, my Lord?"
Voldemort jumped and hastily clicked on the remote control. Pocahontas stopped singing at once. He took a moment to recover his composure before he stretched his eerily white fingers and studied one of his abnormally long nails and whispered in his high voice: "About time, Bella. What took you so long?"
Bellatrix did not respond immediately. She was staring at the television. "My Lord, were you just watching... Pocahontas?"
For once Voldemort was glad his illuminating white skin was not able to show any colour, so that Bella could not see his cheeks turning as pink as Umbridge's favorite cardigan. Instead he shot her one of his numerous threatening looks and, noticing she backed away intuitively, hissed: "Are you implying that I was watching..." He paused for dramatic effect. "A Disney movie?"
"No, my Lord," she spluttered. "It was just that I saw Pocahontas... And that raccoon... In a..." Her voice died away slowly.
Voldemort grinded his teeth before saying: "Ever mention this again and you're fired. And you know what that means."
He pointed over to the cage that was standing on the table next to his throne. It was filled with about a hundred little worms at the bottom who were quivering at the very sound of his voice. A neat trick he stole from Ursula the sea witch from the Little Mermaid. The only difference was that he did not eat the worms, because yeuch...
"Yes, my Lord. I was mistaken, of course," Bella said, bowing her head.
Voldemort, relieved that he could change the subject, said: "Bella, you have been summoned to go on an important quest."
Her eyes lit up with pride. "I have been chosen? Me?"
She looked like her Christmas had come three months early. Voldemort sighed. He hated to please people, but he did need her to go on this mission. It was too dangerous for him to show his handsome snakelike face just yet. Besides, he wanted to finish watching Pocahontas. "Bella," he continued in his high voice, "You must collect one of my Horcruxes. I need to know if it's still in good shape."
"Which Horcrux, my Lord?", she asked breathlessly.
"The Cup."
"Which Cup?"
"Pardon me?"
"Well, there many Cups to consider, my Lord. The FIFA world Cup, FA Cup, World Cup, US World Cup, the UEFA Cup, the-"
Voldemort put his face in his hands. "Enough, enough! I was referring to Hufflepuff's Cup, you imbecile!"
Bella rubbed her nose. "Oh, and where could I find this... Hufflepuff Cup?"
"At Ollivander's."
She stared at Voldemort with her mouth hanging wide open. "Where?"
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "I stuffed it between a couple of wand boxes. It's an ingenious hiding place if I say so myself. No one will ever go looking there and I've taken several precautions, of course. Besides, Ollivander is practically blind, so..." He gave a modest shrug.
Bella, obviously not knowing how to respond, simply nodded. "If you say so, my Lord. I must go then."
"Yes, you should. Bring it to me as soon as you find it. Oh, but do take your time", he added as an afterthought, thinking he could start watching Cinderella once he was done with Pocahontas.
"My Lord," Bella said briskly with a final nod. She took a step back and disapparated on the spot.
This was going to be a long day… Bella apparated straight into Diagon Alley and immediately noticed how crowded it was in the street. The Death Eater sighed and pulled the hood of her cloak over her head. She wasn't afraid of running into any Order members or Ministry wizards (in fact, it had been while she had tortured or killed someone and was looking forward to another round), but since she was on such an important mission, she felt that she needed to be extra careful.
She crossed Diagon Alley while staring at the floor until she paused in front of Ollivander's. She quickly entered the shop and cast a locking charm on the door as soon as she had closed it.
Bella turned around, expecting to find those eerie eyes that belonged to Ollivander, but found herself staring at the smirking baboon from the Lion King. She was too dumbfounded to say anything for a moment and before she knew what was happening, the baboon smacked her hard on the head with his stick.
"Aaaargh!" she yelled. "What did you do that for?!"
"Welcome at Olivander's," the baboon grinned at her while fondling his stick.
"Who the hell are you?" Bella asked, nursing a rapidly growing bump on her head.
"The name is Rafiki. What is your business here? Wands or Horcruxes?"
"Er… Horcruxes, but how do you-?"
"Your master has personally asked me to look after this Horcrux and Ollivander likes to sell wands, as you probably already know."
She shook her head, trying to process this confusing piece of information. "Are you saying that The Dark Lord asked you to - Ow!"
Rafiki had hit her again. "Silly questions with obvious answers will earn you nothing more than another smack," he said, still grinning.
Bella was starting to feel really annoyed with this particularly ugly baboon. "Fine!" she snapped, nursing the second bump. "Where can I find this bloody Horcux?"
The baboon suddenly started to jump up and down from excitement. "Follow Rafiki, he knows the way!"
He hopped away and disappeared into a small corridor full of wand boxes. Bella followed, but she was unable to spot him searching through the boxes. The smacking monkey did not appear for another ten minutes. Bella was just wondering if this retarded animal would ever find the Horcrux, when Rafiki reappeared and carried a large box over to her.
Bella took the box from Rafiki and put it down on a table. She held her breath when she opened it and there it was! Helga's Hufflepuff's Cup, still shining brightly after all those years. Bella reached for the Cup and was about to pick it up, when Rafiki hit her hand with his stick.
She swore loudly. "Enough with the smacking already!"
Rafiki shook his head. "You shall not touch the Horcrux."
Bella growled and grabbed hold of Rafiki's stick. "You are in no position to tell me what I can or cannot do."
"Do not touch the stick."
"Leave me alone, monkey, or you shall regret you ever met me."
"Me no monkey," Rafiki chuckled and he pushed Bella's hand off the stick, angering her even more and she quickly reached for the Cup again. The sniggering baboon noticed it too late and only got hold of her hand when she was already touching the object. Then something happened that Bella had not foreseen. She felt an all too familiar tug behind her navel. "It's a bloody Portkey!" she thought while she felt herself being transported to an unknown destination. She sighed. "This was going to be a long day…."
The first thing Bella heard next, was hearing someone mumbling into her ear: "Asante sahna…"
"What?" she mumbled without opening her eyes.
The muttering singing voice continued: "Squash banana, ue ue nugu, mi mi apana!"
Bella's eyes snapped open and she found herself staring at the ever grinning Rafiki. "Not you again," she groaned.
"I told you not to touch the Horcrux. And now you're trapped."
"Trapped where?"
Rafiki leaned on his stick. "The world my makers created. My dear girl, you're in Disneyland."
Bella was about to laugh aloud when she looked around and had to agree the baboon was right. She was standing in a completely animated forest, with bright green grass and trees and two nightingales whistling the tune of It's a small world. Bella immediately reached for her wand, pointed it at the birds and hissed Incendio, making the birds – and their annoying whistling - disappear in a cloud of fire.
Rafiki shook his head. "Temper, temper."
Bella wheeled around and pointed her wand at him. "Get me out of here."
The baboon arched an eyebrow. "There is a way out, but the exit is rather difficult to find. Or to cross…"
"Don't worry, I'll get there."
"Search for the castle that contains a single red rose. Find the room with the rose and next to it you will see an archway with a veil. That is how you can get back to your own world."
Bella frowned. An archway with a veil? Hang on a minute… This sounded all too familiar. "That veil… Is it possible to cross it from the other side as well?"
Rafiki nodded. "Why of course. It is not a one way street."
Bella sighed at the possibility of running into the loose cannon formerly known as Sirius Black, who was probably holding a serious grudge against her for killing him that night in the Department of Mysteries. "Fine, I'm off then. And don't you try to follow me."
Rafiki huffed. "I have better things to do than that, lady."
She scowled. "Like what, making more lame tree paintings of future kings?"
"Er yeah, that too, but there are more Horcruxes to guard. Even in this world."
She shrugged, thinking this baboon was even more insane than she already thought. "Suit yourself, then," she muttered before walking off.
Bella was beginning to hate this day more by the minute. Not only was she surrounded by the most annoying Disney scenery ever, she also knew she had to get back to Ollivander's as soon as possible before the old man would find Voldemort's Horcrux. She continued to wander through the animated forest until she finally spotted a small village between the trees. However, before she could cross the river that parted the forest from the village, she found herself surrounded by a group of animals.
And not by a general crowd of animals. If Bella was not mistaken, she was greeted by the gang from Bambi. They looked totally different from the movie, though. The deers, rabbits and squirrels were all wearing bandages and hats with slogans on it such as: "Increase pays!" and "Walt Disney are a bunch of extortionists." Bella tried to walk on, but she got blocked by Bambi and his impressive set of antlers. "Stop right there, human."
"What do you want, deer?"
Bambi narrowed his eyes. "Who are you?"
"Bella, loyal Death Eater and extremely dangerous to all animals."
"You are not an animated character."
"That is because I'm not from Disney, you plump creature. Now let me pass!"
Bambi shook its head. "You'll have to pay us before you can cross the river."
"Pay you? In what?"
"Disney dollars, of course. What else?"
Bella stared at Bambi. "I don't have Disney dollars."
"Then you leave me no choice. Yo Thumper!"
From out of nowhere, Bella was being jumped by an extremely aggressive rabbit. He bit her in the nose before scratching her all over the face. Her screams were muffled by the rabbit stamping his foot in her mouth and the roaring crowd. Then she finally managed to reach inside her robes and got out her wand. "Petrificus Totalus," she thought non-verbally. Thumper suddenly turned stiff as a board and Bella quickly picked the rabbit up as she crawled back on her feet.
The crowd of Bambi-animals gasped and stared at their petrified friend. Bambi stepped forward and shot a furious look at her. "What in the name of Walt Disney did you do to Thumper?" he hissed.
Bella smirked. "This is what will happen to all of you if you try something like this again. And you better be glad I'm in such a good mood today, or I would have killed this poor excuse of a rabbit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a river to cross."
She dropped the petrified Thumper on the ground in front of Bambi's hooves. He put down his head and sniffed at his fuzzy friend. "Are you sure you didn't kill him?"
She sniggered. "He'll be fine. The effects of this spell will wear off. Eventually…" she added triumphantly before she quickly crossed the river. She made sure to keep her wand in view of the Bambi-crowd, so that they would not even think of attacking her from behind.
As soon as Bella crossed the river and reached the aggravating idyllic looking village, she started to pour the water out of her shoes. "This is going to be a long day…" she sighed to herself once again while putting her soaking wet shoes back on before she suddenly spotted a suspicious familiar-looking figure walking in the distance.
Bella quickly followed this figure, but made sure she was not spotted by the character. When she had a clear view on the person, she noticed it was no other than Hermione Granger. The Mudblood wore a blue dress with a white apron and was carrying a small basket. Before Bella could get used to the idea of Hermione walking around in Disney World, the girl opened her mouth and started to sing brightly:
Little town it's a quiet village
Every day like the one before
Little town full of little people, waking up to say
Right when Bella asked herself if this martyrdom was ever going to end, it became worse. From all the houses in the street, more HP-characters magically appeared.
Neville: Bonjour!
Ron: Bonjour!
Molly Weasley: Bonjour!
Hagrid: Bonjour!
Draco: Bonjour!
Hermione smiled happily at the people who had just greeted her and continued to sing:
There goes Hagrid with his tray like always
The same old pumpkin pies to sell
Every morning just the same since the morning that I came
To this poor provential town
Bella blinked in confusion, desperately wondering if what she was seeing was also actually happening or simply a figment of her imagination. In the meantime, Hermione had walked up to Hagrid who said: "Good morning, Hermione."
Hermione: "G'morning, Hagrid."
Hagrid: "Where you off too?"
Hermione: "The library. I just finished the most wonderful story about a House-elf and a Giant and a-"
Hagrid: "That's nice. Malfoy! The pumpkins. Hurry up!"
Bella thought her headaches could not possibly get any worse, but when Hermione walked on, the others started to sing along together:
Neville, Ron, Draco and Molly Weasley: "Look there she goes that girl is strange no question. She's can distracted, can't you tell?"
Molly Weasley: "Never part of any crowd."
Draco: "Cause her Mudblood head is up on some cloud."
Neville, Ron, Draco and Molly Weasley: "No denying she's a funny girl that Hermione…"
"She's actually kind of hot", Ron whispered to Neville, who chuckled.
Bella – covering her ears so that she did not have to listen to this awful song any longer - followed Hermione. She was crossing her fingers that this library that annoying Mudblood was talking about was located in the castle with the rose.
Sadly, Hermione did not walk to the castle, but entered a tiny bookshop at the end of the street. "This is the library?" Bella thought, starting to feel depressed. "How am I ever going to get out of here?" She decided to enter this bookshop anyway to hear if Hermione would be going to the castle later that day. Bella hid behind the hallstand near the entrance and listened to what Hermione was saying to the bookshop owner, who – to her surprise – was a sane Gilderoy Lockhart.
"Ah Hermione," Lockhart said while staring at himself in a mirror. "Tell me, do you think purple is my colour?"
Hermione stared at Lockhart's hideous lilac robes for a moment. "Er… sure. I've come to return the book I borrowed."
"Finished already?" Lockhart said, looking surprised.
"I couldn't put it down! The registration of the Goblin Conference of 1647 was sooo fascinating. Have you got anything new?"
Lockhart stared at her. "More Goblin Conference stuff? No, not since yesterday."
Hermione sighed. "Anything else, then?"
"Why yes!" Lockhart quickly pulled one of his own books out of the bookcase and handed it over to Hermione.
"Holiday with the Hunchback?" she read from the cover. "Is this about you?'
Lockhart grinned and nodded proudly. "The one and only. Now listen, I will give you this book for free if you can tell me which hunchback this book is about."
Hermione stared at Lockhart for a moment and his broad smile slowly faded off his face. "Ehm…" Hermione faltered.
"Come on Hermione, the question is not that difficult. He's on the cover next to me, for crying out loud!"
"Eh… I… don't know," the girl stammered, flabbergasted by her sudden inability to answer a question correctly.
Lockhart started to hyperventilate and had to lean on his counter to remain on his feet. "You…" he panted, "you're… unable to… answer… a question… about my book! It's starts with… a Q…"
"Quirrell?" Hermione said in sudden inspiration.
"Quirrell is not a hunchback, you nitwit! It's Quasimodo, Quas-si-mo-do!" Lockhart roared while dabbing his forehead with a limegreen handkerchief.
"I'm sorry!" she cried desperately. "I don't know what's happening to me."
Lockhart clutched his chest as he reached over to the alarm button next to the till. "You… leave me… no choice."
"No, please no!" Hermione yelled, but it was already too late. Lockhart had pushed the alarm button. A huge loud resounding claxon went off and Bella covered her ears. Within seconds the door of the bookshop suddenly smashed open and in burst an entire Chinese army, led by Mulan herself.
"You called, comrade Lockhart?" Mulan asked calmly.
"Yes," he panted. "This… girl was unable to answer a question about one of my books."
The crowd of soldiers gasped in horror and Mulan narrowed her eyes at Hermione, who was backing away slowly, looking terrified. "Is this true?" Mulan inquired.
"Y-Yes," she said quietly.
"Such insolence!" Mulan hissed and smacked Hermione hard in the face. "This is unacceptable." She punched Hermione in the face again and the girl started to cry. "You are hereby arrested and shall be sent over to the hospital wing. We need to recover your brain before it will affect us all."
She snapped her fingers and two soldiers immediately stepped forward, grabbed hold of Hermione and dragged her outside.
Hermione was crying. "What is going to happen to me?"
Mulan shot her a serious look. "The only reasonable course of action: you will be having an emergency lobotomy."
"What nooooooo!" Hermione cried loudly, but she had already been locked up in a carriage, so that her screams could not be heard by any bystanders. Mulan quickly mounted her horse and said: "You have done to well to warn us, comrade Lockhart."
Lockhart's grin returned. "I do what I can to help our community."
Mulan gave him a final nod, turned her horse and galopped off, her army and the carriage which contained Hermione following closely.
Bella stepped out onto the street, feeling bemused. Not that she cared one little bit about the Mudblood getting a lobotomy, but this world was getting weirder by the minute. Harry Potter and Disney-characters mixed together in an animated world?
She walked to the end of the street and stared at the road heading out of the village to… a castle. Bella gave a triumphant cheer. That was the castle with the rose, she just knew it.
"I can't see what you're being so enthusiastic about," a voice suddenly spoke next to her.
Bella turned around and noticed that Ron Weasley was looking at her. She rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Weasley?"
The boy shrugged. "I was sent to help you."
"Excuse me?"
"I am your guide for today."
"Says who?"
"Walt Disney."
Bella scowled. "Well, you can tell mister Walt Disney that I'm not interested in a guide, because I already know where the castle is."
"The castle?" Ron asked dully.
"Yes, the castle that contains a rose is right over there", she said triumphantly and she pointed over to the castle.
Now it was Ron's time to scowl. "Lady, do you have any idea how many castles there are in Disney World?"
Bella stared at Ron in confusion. "That Weasley kid does have a point," she thought. "Fine," she said, "Do you know where I can find this Rose Castle?"
Ron sighed. "I do and I shall take you there. But I must warn you. One does not simply walk into this castle. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just guards. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Genie is ever watchful. The road ahead is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash, and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand people could you get out of that castle again. It is folley."
"Dude, you so stole that line from Boromir," a sarcastic voice spoke behind them.
Ron and Bella turned around and looked at an animated llama who was sitting on a rock a few feet ahead. Bella stared at the animal for a moment. There was something oddly familiar about him, but she couldn't quite place it.
"SPAT!" the scruffy-looking llama spit. "I would prefer if you would stop staring at me like that. Curious, empathetic or sadistic looks or words are making me spit."
Ron pulled a weird face. "Hang on," he muttered as he began to realize who this llama was. "You're… Bloody hell, you're Padfoot!"
Bella looked from a stunned Ron to the scowling llama and had to admit that the Weasley kid was right. That llama was no other than her arrogant nephew, the former Sirius Black she sent through the veil.
"SPAT!" Sirius the llama spit. "Stop looking like that, Bella. This spitting reflex is hard to suppress, you know."
"Is... this for real?" she stammered.
Sirius the llama huffed, resulting in drops of spittle flying everywhere, including Ron's face. "Yeah, will you look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you never believe this, but this llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. This guy was the hottest character in the HP-series. A cunning, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! The name is Black, Sirius Black. I was the world's hottest wizard until you, Bella, ruined my life by sending me through that )((& veil. And Ron 'SPAT!" Sirius the llama snapped, looking at the boy. "I know this must be a real challenge for you, but could you please desist from pulling stupid faces throughout the remains of this entry? I'll buy you a lollypop if you succeed."
Ron nodded as he hastily closed his mouth and tried to adapt a more intelligent look. Bella could not help herself. She started to giggle and the giggling eventually evolved into a downright fit of laughter. She sloped and put her hands on her knees while gasping for breaths, still cackling madly.
"SPAT!"
"You're a… a llama!" she finally managed, pointing her wand at Sirius.
Sirius the llama rolled his eyes. "Oh, well spotted."
Bella, still roaring with laughter, said: "So you.. fell through that veil-"
"-Correction: you sent me."
"-and turned into a llama?"
Sirius the llama grinded his teeth. "So it would seem."
"And not just a llama," she continued. "But a ghastly-"
"SPAT!"
"Hairy-"
"SPAT!"
"Useless-"
"SPAT!"
"Llama? Lordy, someone must be really hating you."
"Er excuse me?" Ron intervened. "I hate to interrupt, but we should really get a move on to this rose castle. You coming along?" he asked Sirius the llama.
"You want me to join you and my… murderer on a life threatening journey?" Sirius the llama said sarcastically. "What are we waiting for?"
"Not really," Ron grinned. "But I haven't pulled a weird face ever since you challenged me and you are so buying me a lollypop by the end of the day. One request: have a gum, please, because your breath stinks."
"SPAT!"
Ron and Sirius the llama walked off together and Bella followed them from a safe distance. This mission was getting weirder by the minute. How much more was she going to take? She listened to Ron and Sirius the llama bickering over which direction was the fastest way to the Rose Castle and she sighed once more. This was going to be a long day…
After the remarkable trio had been crossing several streams, villages and mountains, they spotted an odd-looking creature on the horizon that was heading in their direction. "Man, that thing looks plain," Sirius the llama muttered.
"It could hardly be anymore ugly than you," Bella sneered.
"SPAT!"
The creature that was walked towards them turned out to be Dobby the House-elf. "Merlin, help me," Bella sighed exasperated as she stared up at the sky.
When Dobby was standing in front of them, he bowed. "Good day master Weasley, madam Lestrange and… a particular bad smelling llama."
"SPAT!"
"Hello Dobby," Ron said. "What is that you're carrying with you?"
Dobby glowed with pride as he showed his bag to them. "A pineapple, master Weasley!"
Bella shot him a look. "Why on earth would you stuff a pineapple in a Christmas sock?"
Dobby shuffled his feet. "I was told to take good care of it. Is a very special pineapple, you see. It needs to be protected."
"Why would you want to protect a pineapple?" Sirius the llama asked.
Dobby shrugged. "Why aren't ugly creatures like you being extinct? I dunno."
"SPAT! Look who's talking," Sirius the llama sneered.
"I is only telling the truth," Dobby said defensively.
When a furious-looking Sirius the llama started to spit on Dobby, Bella intervened. "Arrrgh, I don't have time for this. Look House-elf, I need to go to the Rose Castle. Tell me where it is."
"Is right over that mountain, madam," Dobby said, pointing. "But be warned: a certain baboon is not in a good mood, because he failed to guard his object successfully."
Ron and Sirius the llama stared at Dobby, not getting a word from what he just said, but Bella slowly began to understand something. "Show me that pineapple," she demanded.
"But is just a pineapple," Dobby said defensively while hugging his Christmas sock close.
"Show me the pineapple! Show me the pineaaaaaaaaple!!" Bella yelled, shaking Dobby by the shoulders.
Sirius the llama exchanged a glance with Ron. "Oh dear," he mumbled, "She's finally losing it. I'm telling you: once they start quoting Jerry Maguire…"
In the meantime, Bella had succeeded in grabbing hold of the Christmas sock. She took off the sock and gave the pineapple an inspecting look. And there it was: one would never see it if they weren't watching closely, but there was a miniscule lightening-shaped scar on the right side of the pineapple.
"A-ha!" Bella yelled triumphantly. "This pineapple is Harry Potter. And that means that Potter is a Horcrux!"
Sirius the llama snorted. "You really are losing it, aren't you?"
"Oh shut up, you stupid fat llama. ("SPAT!") Look at it, look at the scar. This is Potter!"
Ron studied the pineapple closely. "I'll be damned. That scar does look familiar. Why did you put Harry in a sock, Dobby? You must have been choking him like mad."
The House-elf shook his head, looking depressed. "Dobby did not know, master Weasley."
Bella laughed. "It doesn't matter now. This pineapple/Harry Potter – dead or alive - is now in my possession and the Dark Lord-"
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby suddenly roared and he proficiently pulled the pineapple out of Bella's arms. Before she or any of the others could react, he disappeared with a loud crack.
"Well, that's that then. I cannot believe Harry's been turned into a pineapple," Ron sighed.
"Suddenly being a talking llama doesn't sound so bad," Sirius the llama muttered.
Bella huffed. "I really couldn't care less. All I want is this Via Dolorosa to end. I'm going to that castle."
"So am I," Sirius the llama said solemnly. "A pineapple he might be, but he is still my godson."
"And I'm his best friend. Mr. Harry is going nowhere without me!" Ron said.
Sirius the llama rolled his eyes. "Dude, stop stealing lines from the Fellowship of the Ring."
The trio crossed the mountain and soon after that they were looking up at a giant black gate that was shielding their view from the Rose Castle. Contrary to what Ron had said, the gates seemed to guarded by nothing at all. Bella snorted. "So much for 'there is evil there that does not sleep'."
"Hey, we're not inside yet," Ron said defensively.
"I wonder if the gate is open," she said and gave the gate a soft push. To her surprise, she could effortlessly push the door wide open. "Alright then," she said and walked through the gate towards the front door, being closely followed by Ron and Sirius the llama.
The front door was not being guarded either and unlocked, so Bella and the others could easily make their way into the castle. They could freely search the castle for the room that contained the famous rose and the archway Bella needed to get back to her own world. They were about to open the door to the ballroom when Bella heard a familiar voice saying: "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Do what?" Ron asked.
Bella had not forgotten about her first encounter with this character and quickly bent down so that Rafiki's stick missed her head by inches and hit Sirius the llama and Ron full in the face instead.
"SPAT!" Sirius the llama spit and Ron swore loudly.
Rafiki hopped towards them and said. "Never ask obvious questions or you shall meet the stick again."
"What are you doing there?" Bella asked.
Rafiki shrugged. "Guarding the Horcrux, what else?"
Bella scowled. "I thought you messed up doing so."
Rafiki's eyes glinted and he lifted his stick threateningly. "I did not choke the most important Horcrux of all, unlike some creatures I know."
"The baboon has a point," Sirius the llama muttered.
"The ugliest llama the world has ever seen ("SPAT!") is of course right," Rafiki said.
"So where is Potter/the Horcrux right now?" Bella asked.
"He was being revived by our Medi-staff, but I think that… Yes, he shall return in a few minutes."
And indeed, Bella could suddenly hear drums drawing closer. The drums got louder by the minute, until a large door on the other side of the corridor opened with a bang. A giant crowd of exotic dressed people burst out. One girl at the front was carrying Potter/the Horcrux/pineapple on a velvet pillow. And they were lead by no other than…
"Dumbledore?", Bella asked, looking perplexed.
Ron momentarily forgot about his challenge and pulled a stupid face again and even Sirius the llama seemed cowed when a bluish Dumbledore floated into the room, opened his mouth and – on the rhythm of a catchy tune - sung:
Hey! Clear the way in the old Castle
Hey you!
Let us through!
It's a bright new star!
Oh Come!
Be the first on your block to meet his eye!
Make way!
Here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this guy!
Prince Harry! Fabulous he!
Harry Potter!
Genuflect, show some respect
Down on one knee!
Now, try your best to stay calm
Brush up your sunday robes
Then come and meet his spectacular coterie
Prince Harry!
Mighty is he!
The Boy who Lived
Strong as ten regular men, definitely!
He faced the galloping Dementors
A hundred bad guys with wands
Who sent those goons to their lords?
Why, Prince Harry!
Dumbledore the Genie paused in front of the doors to the ballroom where the others were standing. He nudged a flabbergasted Ron and sniggered: "Catchy song, eh? I came up with the new lyrics myself!"
Sirius the llama stared at Dumbledore's hair. His ordinary white long hair and beard had disappeared. His hair now existed of a single white tuft on the top of his head. "Dude," Sirius the llama said. "Your hair is looking absolutely ridiculous."
Dumbledore the genie shot Sirius the llama a dirty look. "And this comes from you, a former hottie that reincarnated into the scruffiest llama ever produced by the Disney studios?"
"SPAT! I'm aware of that, you prat. I'm just saying, what shampoo are you using?"
"The cheapest of the cheapest, of course," Dumbledore answered. "Why?"
Rafiki suddenly smacked Dumbledore the Genie on the head with his stick.
"Ouch! What did you do that for?" Dumbledore asked, looking furious.
Rafiki shrugged. "Obvious question? You hair does look ludicrous."
"Thank you, baboon," Sirius the llama said. "Anyway, I'm just saying that one drop of that shampoo with the 'Because I'm worth it'-campaign will be enough to turn your shabby looking ponytail into shiny hair."
"There are more important things in life than taking care of your hair," Dumbledore the Genie muttered.
"Says who?"
"Says I."
Bella, growing weary of having to listen to this superfluous discussion, suddenly opened the doors to the ballroom. One second later she wished she hadn't done so. Apparently the Rose Castle was usually being guarded by a huge army of Malteasers and they had been stuffed together in the ball room by someone. And apparently Malteaser guards did not like being locked up in their own castle.
Bella and everyone else around were being attacked by the highly aggressive Malteasers. The girl who was carrying the pillow with the pineapple panicked and threw the pillow in the air before she ran away. Bella, who was warding off the Malteasers with her wand, noticed that Dumbledore the Genie, Rafiki, Ron and Sirius the llama, had all dived in the direction of Potter/the Horcrux.
Ron got there first and grabbed hold of the pineapple. When Rafiki and Dumbledore tried to snatch it from him, Ron unexpectedly cast Potter/the Horcrux at Sirius the llama, who did not respond fast enough and got fully hit in the face by his transformed godson, knocking him out completely.
Bella took the opportunity to pick up the pineapple instead and ran across the ball room. Through the cloud of furiously zooming Malteasers, she could spot the archway she had been looking for all this time. Bella clasped Potter/the Horcrux under her arm like a rugby ball and sprinted to the archway. However, right when she was about to jump through the veil, she heard Ron yell: "Accio pineapple!" and she felt the object being pulled away from her. For one second she thought about reconfiscating this final Horcrux, but then she remembered Voldemort had only ordered her to collect one Horcrux. "He'll never know," she shrugged and quickly jumped through the veil.
Bella travelled back to the very place she started: Ollivander's in Diagon Alley. She landed right on top of a stand of empty wand boxes. Bella crawled back up and found herself looking straight in the eyes of Ollivander himself.
"Well, well, mrs. Lestrange. This has been a long time ago. What was it again? Magohany, dragon heartstring and twelve inches?"
"Eleven inches," Bella muttered.
"Right," Ollivander said before walking over to the table where Helga Hufflepuffs Cup was still being displayed. "This belongs to you, I presume?"
"Not directly to me, but I am supposed to take it with me," she replied shortly.
Ollivander frowned. "It's a fine specimen of a Cup, if I may so." He slowly reached for it. "Perfectly in shape…"
"No, don't touch it!" Bella yelled while jumping forward, but she was too late.
Her hand touched Ollivander's at the very moment he picked up the Cup. For the second time that day, Bella felt a tug behind her navel and both of them were being transported to a, now less mysterious, destination. She crossed her fingers that this Portkey had multiple destinations, but when they had landed on the ground and she wearily opened her eyes, she spotted an all too familiar animated world of Disney and heard a confused Ollivander ask: "Where are we?"
Bella groaned. This was going to be a very long day…
-The End-