Disclaimer: This is a one-shot that aims at funny ways to kill Covenant soldiers, so enjoy

Why use a gun?

James stared down at the Covenant camp. It was 1 o'clock in the morning and out of 6 Grunts, 4 Jackals and 3 Elites; only 1 Elite was patrolling the outskirts of the small camp. James concentrated on the lone Elite. The Elite was wearing Blue armour and looked tired.

As the Elite passed by a crate, facing towards James, James ducked back behind the felled tree log he was using as cover and fumbled with a package. James unfolded the package and loaded up the gas powered elephant gun with tranquilliser darts. As the Elite turned away from James, James lifted the gun over the log and fired at the Elite.

The Elite fell to the ground and James jumped over the log and ran to the fallen Elite.

There was no way James could kill the Elite with a gun, as it was to loud, nor could he carry the Elite away. So he decided to mortally wound the Elite. James took out his Combat Knife and, finding what looked like the Elites Artery, James cut open the Artery. Purple blood spewed out of the wound and soon the Elite would be dead. Satisfied, James got up and pondered what to do now. Grunts or Jackals? Or maybe test out his new toy on the Elites?

Jackals

Why not?

James staked stealthily over to the prone forms of the Jackals. Using tape, James tied up all four of the Jackals and dragged them to a homemade catapult that faced a cliff. Carefully, James lifted a Jackal into the catapult. Then, James undid the tape around the Jackals mouth and woke it up. The Jackal woke up and stared at James and James grinned madly back at the Jackal and cut a rope and the catapult fired the Jackal.

The Jackals screams could be heard 5 miles away.

By the time the last Jackals screams faded away, James was on the floor giggling madly. Eventually, James got back up and headed towards the camp. Now, Grunts or Elites?

Grunts.

Save the best till last.

James quietly ran over to the Elites tent and picked up two objects and then ran over to the Grunts methane tent. James studied the objects and clicked a button and the handcuffs flared to life.

Perfect.

Grinning madly, James put the handcuffs against the door handles and activated them. The handcuffs stopped the door opening, which was part of the plan. James walked around the tent and found another door. After placing the handcuffs on the door handles, James back-pedalled to a holo pad. After studying the pad intently, James pressed a button and the Grunts gas bladders, which were refuelling from terminals, emptied and the humming sound died out as the electricity stopped flowing.

Another couple of buttons, and James had locked the Grunts out of all the holo pads in the tent.

Then only one button was left. James held back laughter that threatened to burst out a cause the Elites to wake up, and pressed the button. The whirring of a plasma generator stopped. Grinning uncontrollably, James peered through the glass at the sleeping Grunts. As if a switch had been thrown, the Grunts woke up. One Grunt sniffed the air and looked around at its comrades. The Grunt in question got up and walked up to a holo pad and pressed a few buttons. On the screen four words appeared.

Methane Processing Plant Disabled

The Grunt panicked and started running around comically, much to James delight. Meanwhile, the rest of the Grunts allies busied themselves with their methane bladders, in the hopes of staying alive long enough to fix the generator. The Grunts expressions turned from grim determination and annoyance, to one of sheer horror. The methane bladders were empty! All the Grunts started to panic and run around comically. By the time, James was simultaneously crying with laughter and holding his hands over his mouth. Eventually, the Grunts fell over dead.

After calming down, James decided to test out his new toy, and headed for the Elites tent. When he reached the Elites tent, James took out two modified Plasma Grenades. Both Plasma Grenades sported motion detectors. This is how they worked. First, the motion sensors detect a moving object. Then, the motion detectors activated the Plasma Grenades.

Simple.

James placed each Plasma Grenade on both the Elites naked chest. Then James noticed the Elites sexual organs were smaller than humans and realisation dawned on him. So that was why the Covenant were at war with Humanity. The Elites were jealous of human's sexual organs. James repressed renewed laughter, and then realised that he didn't need to and so, burst out laughing. The Elites woke up almost immediately and sat up. The Plasma Grenades fell, and bonded with the Elites sexual organs. The Elites stared down in horror and pain at the Plasma Grenades, which blew up half the Elites body, which was still alive, and sent the rest of the Elites body into rocks, making gore fly everywhere.

James couldn't stop laughing for hours.

Disclaimer: lol that still makes me laugh.