Lessons of HP Fanficion

Absentwriter

When reading in the HP section of I've come across many of these cliques way too often. So I thought I would list them here. So after reading through the list, look for them in other stories! Happy reading!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surprising Things You Learn From Slash HP Fanfiction

1. Harry looks exactly like his father and has the "sparkling emerald" eyes of his mother. We know this, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded every time one of Harry's lines come up.

2. Despite his appearance (see above), there is a surprisingly high probability that Harry is in no way related to James Potter or Lily Evans, but in fact is the biological son of Voldemort/Snape/Sirius...

3. Harry Potter, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Potter, Severus Snape, Lord Voldemort, Ron, Hermione, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, and Draco Malfoy all had twin sisters. However, Sirius, Lupin, Dumbledore, and Lord Voldemort all also had daughters with remarkable and mysterious powers that surpass all other known HP characters.

4. Harry Potter also had a twin brother named Gary Lou, who also, interestingly enough, has a distinct scar located somewhere on the head/chest area that often leads to confusion over "the-boy-who-lived".

5. If a character has blond hair and pale skin, they are at least part-Veela and must seek out their mate, who, sadly enough, is quite often the most unlikely and the most unsuitable person possible.

6. In the plot summaries, if one of the original HP characters is described as OOC (Out of Character), they may be more accurately labeled as CFU (Completely Fucked Up).

7. Only Harry may have a magical animagus forum. Everyone else must settle for lesser animals or utter failure.

8. It is extremely difficult to become an animagus, unless you get a lot of summarized, behind-the-scenes training which may last for several chapters.

9. Once you get him to open up, Lord Voldemort, henceforth known as Tom Riddle, is a very humorously sarcastic and patient man.

10. With the right potion/spell/ritual, Voldemort may easily reclaim his dashing good looks from his school days.

11. If both Harry and Dumbledore sit back and relax long enough, a mysterious, beautiful girl named Mary Sue with a sad past but incredible magic powers will appear and defeat Lord Voldemort, who inevitable has had a role in said savior's extremely angsty and/or abusive background.

12. In every battle/fight/duel, broken ribs are a must injury.

13. In every battle/fight/duel, no major HP character may be facially disfigured in any way, however, they must at some point be coughing up blood.

14. Harry is amazingly proficient in "wandless magic".

15. The Dursleys did more than just abuse Harry. Despite this, no one has noticed...yet. (this one suggested by friend)

16. Harry is more than just an ordinary wizard, he's also some sort of freaky magical creature-thing with the power to defeat Voldemort...but at what cost?

17. In addition to the Wizarding World, there are also Shadow Mages, Elemental Mages, Necromancers, etc...and all will be willing to adopt Harry under the right circumstances, i.e., extreme, fangirl-gushing angst.

18. Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, the entire Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and the Ministry of Magic will turn on Harry in an instant. Harry's book of his parents' photos and Hedwig will be victims of their fury.

19. Draco, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Neville, etc...all have their own isolated and abusive pasts that all readers must immediately be informed of within the first chapter.

20. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were at some point or another more than just friends. That is, they were marauders in a different sense.

21. With the right kind of writing, Harry will swing in just about any direction you want, but never, never, in any circumstances, may he be on top.

22. In any story involving a pairing with Harry and a girl who is not 'ol Hermy, Hermione Granger will suddenly and inexplicably become a fat ugly bitch.

23. All snakes are very friendly to Harry and have actually been duped all along by Lord Voldemort and his dark forces.

24. Snape is not evil, despite having killed Dumbledore (sorry if you didn't know, too late now). He had a good reason. Really! You see...

25. Time as well as cross-dimensional travel is both easy and fun!

26. All major HP characters will recover from major injuries within a few weeks with no lasting side effects.

27. All scars, magical or not, are incredibly sexy.

28. Despite the prophecy clearly stating that Voldemort and Harry must kill each other at some point, the former still believes that he can get Harry to join him.

29. If Harry's parents are to be resurrected, only James may return to life. Lily must die.

30. In the wake of a near-death experience and/or severe head injury, Harry's parents and Sirius are always willing and capable of giving him great advice.

31. If a secondary character is just as injured in battle as the main character, the latter's angst is lessened slightly, so only the main character, usually Harry, is allowed to narrowly escape death. However, he cannot die.

32. Every member of the Dursley family can possibly be redeemed except for Vernon.

33. Cornelius Fudge is a dick.

34. Vampires are okay as long as they are extremely good-looking. Werewolves rarely fit into this category.

35. Albus Dumbledore has dissociative identity disorder, aka multi-personality disorder, and as a result is torn between being Harry's mentor/grandfather figure/ultimate light wizard and being an evil, manipulative bastard.

36. Moving tattoos and multiple piercings are okay on Harry as long as they stick to the following: snakes, dragons, phoenixes, dragon teeth, emeralds, rubies...under no circumstances should a unicorn be included on this list.

37. The author may pair Harry with anyone they like. Good writing is not a must.

38. Following roughly 70 of all traumatic events, Harry will attempt to "escape the Wizarding World". However, inevitably he will be dragged back by a. LV attacks b. New Dark Lord/threat to the Wizarding World c. Errant child sent to Hogwarts, etc...

39. The instant a completely new female character created by the author starts bitching about her angsty past which always has something to do with Lord Voldemort, run away. The story has been taken over by what we call "Mary Sue's". DNR (do not read).

40. If a plot summary includes the term "Moldyshorts", DNR. It will be neither funny nor a particularly good story.

41. If a plot summary mentions that Harry has been married to Ginny for a period greater than 1 year, Harry will have slept with Draco Malfoy by the end.

42. In battle only swords and wands may be used. No one in the wizarding world has ever heard of a gun.

43. Sadly, mpregs (male pregnancies) in HP slash are not the result of errant spells or biotechnology experiments. They just happen.

44. In the event of #4, James and Lily Potter can be surprisingly abusive.

45. Despite the number of unlikely pairings Severus Snape has been unfortunately written into, he will never, ever, be described as attractive in the story. The only part of his physical appearance to be described will be his eyes. Key vocabulary word: "onyx", onyx: Mineralogya variety of chalcedony having straight parallel bands of alternating colors./black, esp. a pure or jet black.

46. Forced/Arranged marriage is never who you want it to be with.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you know of any other weird cliques/fanfic rules that pop up in HP fanfiction, be sure to send them in with your reviews!

And for those of you who are wondering when I'm going to update my other, non-HP stories...I just got back from vacation 2 days ago and then wasted my time writing this.

Anyway, tell me what you think!