Scn: Mysterious jungle.
(Man wakes up and pulls out small bottle of booze.)
Jack: Oh man, how drunk did I get?
(Dog appears)
Vincent: Hey Jack! You need to come quick, our plane's crashed on the beach!
Jack: Stop barking dog! I've got to figure out what the hell's going on.
Vincent: Well, fuck you then. (Trots off.)
Jack: (takes off sprinting through the jungle, emerges on the beach.)
Jack: HOLY SHIT.
Scn: Plane crash
Jack: So many tortured souls! Who to help first? Sees a man being crushed by a piece of wreckage
Jack: That wounded extra over there looks good!
Shannon: I think I'll just stand here and scream to make the scenario that much more traumatic!!
Michael: WAALLT!!! WAALLLTT!!(Won't become annoying until Season 2)
Locke: Hey, I can walk! I can walk!
Jack: Yeah that's great baldy, now get over here and help me! (Sees hot pregnant chick. Runs over to her.)
Jack: How many months pregnant are you?
Claire: God, from the size of my stomach I'd say it's been about two years.
Jack: (sees Hurley and calls over to him)
Jack: Hey, hey you! You, fat guy! Take care of this hot pregnant chick while I go tend to the old, wrinkly lady.
Hurley: Dude, you've got to be kidding me.
Jack: Yeah, whatever. Just don't eat the fetus.
Hurley: …………..
Redshirt: Hey guys! I just found a hatch in the jungle! I think we should-
Locke: Hey get away from there!
Redshirt: (stops) What'd you say? (gets sucked into engine)
Locke: …Not my fault.
Jack: (runs over to Boone, who is trying to perform CPR on an unconscious Rose)
Jack: Stop, stop what are you doing?!
Boone: Hey man, I'm a lifeguard!
Jack: Well, you seriously need to go fuck yourself.
Boone: Hey, maybe if we had a pen we could stick a hole in her throat and-
Jack: Yeah whatever, just go do something.
Rose: (awakens) Oh Bernard, I'm so horny!!
Jack: …I'm not even going to touch on that one.
(Calming music starts to play, excitement begins to die down.)
Boone: Here you go doc, I found five pens.
Jack: You really are an idiot, aren't you?
Scn: Secluded spot on beach
Jack: (looks at wound) Hopefully nobody can see me crying over here.
Kate: FREEDOM!!
Jack: Excuse me but would you mind stitching me up while I recite my whole character audition?
Kate: I feel an attraction coming on.
Scn: Night at wreckage
Hurley: (passing out food) Okay, one for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. Well, I'll at least be nice and give the pregnant chick two. Maybe I can eventually get her to sleep with me.
Boone: Chocolate?
Shannon: As if I'm going to start eating chocolate.
Boone: Damn Shannon, you've only said one line and already the audiences are getting the vibes that you're a grade-A bitch.
Shannon: I'll eat on the rescue boat, fag!
Boone: Yeah, maybe if I save this thing for about 4-5 more seasons.
Jin: (speaking Korean) Okay Sun, we can't understand anybody. It is because of this that I think we should completely seclude ourselves from everyone and catch fish all day.
Sun: (sighs) Ahh, where's Jae when you need him?
(Just then a strange noise echoes through the jungle, causing a panic in the camp)
Kate: What the hell is that knocking down the trees?
Jack: Where's Hurley?
Hurley: Right behind ya, Jack-ass.
(Jack and Kate stare)
Hurley: What? I tried out for the part of Sawyer too.
Scn: Oceanic Flight 815
Cindy: How's the drink?
Jack: Well to be quite honest, it sucks Miss.
Cindy: (hands bottle of booze) Cheers! First island mystery to be solved through flashback!
Jack: (confused) Guess I need to get more drunk.
(Plane starts to shake)
Rose: Well, I hope that this plane wants to stay in the air.
(Plane starts to fall out of the sky)
Jack: I'll never let go Rose!
Rose: Well since Bernard's in the bathroom, I guess these next few moments are going to be extremely messed up for him!
Scn: Plane wreckage
Jack: Damn, I knew not boinking Ana-Lucia in the tail section was the right thing to do.
Hurley: So uh, what should we do with all the B-O-D-E-E-Z?
Michael: What the hell are you spelling man?
Walt: Err…I think the fat guy's trying to spell bodies.
Everybody: (Laughs)
Hurley: Hmm, comic relief. I could get used to that one.
Jack: So, me and Kate are going to make our first of many life-threatening treks into the jungle.
Charlie: Brilliant. I'll come too.
Jack: No, it's okay. I think a hobbit's just gonna slow us down.
Charlie: Hey! As of now, you're all a bunch of nobodies!! I was in bloody Lord of the Rings!! I'm the most famous one here and you better show me some respect!
Jack: Fine, just come along! (mumbles) Party of Five was GREAT.
Scn. Walking across a valley
Charlie: You all everybody! Oh you all everybody!
Kate: Strange, you look familiar from somewhere.
Charlie: Well, for starters I play base in Driveshaft. How cool is that?
Kate: Driveshaft? More like Suckshaft.
Charlie: Bollocks, looks like I've been reduced to comic relief as well.
Scn: Plane cockpit in the middle of rainy jungle
Jack: Ooh, looks like things are about to get dramatic.
Charlie: I think I'll just quietly sneak off to this bathroom here…
Pilot: SWEET JESUS, I'M ALIVE!!!
Jack: Great, now where's the God damn transceiver?
Pilot: It doesn't matter, we're over a thousand miles off course.
Jack: What the hell? You call yourself a pilot?
Pilot: Yeah, but I also call myself a habitual drunkard.
Jack: Now I know where the stewardess gets it from… Hey, where the hell's Charlie?
Charlie: (bursts out of bathroom) All right, I'm gonna be a lot happier now.
Kate: So….what exactly what were you doing in there?
Charlie: Say what?
Monster: Well, it'd just be too cliché if the pilot died, but unfortunately I've been informed to stay away from the Doc.
Pilot: (gets ripped out of cockpit, blood splatters on window)
Charlie: Err…good time to run?
Jack & Kate: HELL YEAH!
Scn: Rainy jungle
Jack: (extremely panicked running)
Kate: (extremely panicked running)
Charlie: (extremely clichéd trip and fall)
Jack: Gee, if this was real life, would I really be risking my neck to save a Hobbit?
Charlie: (shouting faintly in the distance) All three Lord of the Rings movies!!! Huge blockbusters!!
Jack: Shit.
Kate: (hides behind tree) JAACCKK!! Wait, what did he tell me to do? Oh, count to five.
Audience: OMG, she was actually paying attention through that moldy story?!
Kate: Hey, Charlie! Where the hell's Jack?
Charlie: Oh come on, since when does the comic relief know anything?
Jack: Hey, I'm right here. I had to heroically run back to save Charlie, the monster was coming up close so I then had to heroically hide in the bushes.
Charlie: Err… that's heroic?
Jack: Say, what's that in the tree?
(Flashes to gruesome shot of Pilot's torn up body hanging in a tree)
Charlie: Nice distraction mate. Nice distraction.