Basically, it's what the title says. Sorry if it offends any die-hard Twilight fans---I don't hate the series, but frankly, it annoys me. So here I'm half-summarizing Twilight and half-pointing out the obvious flaws.
Enjoy.
ISABELLA is a girl.
She's called BELLA.
BELLA lives in Arizona.
BELLA moves to Forks, Washington.
This makes BELLA sad because she hates cold stuff.
Then, BELLA meets EDWARD.
EDWARD is cold stuff.
But EDWARD is also hot stuff.
EDWARD is ridiculously handsome.
EDWARD sparkles.
EDWARD doesn't drink human blood.
EDWARD is not harmed by garlic or wooden stakes and can be out in the sunlight.
EDWARD has super strength and is impossibly fast.
EDWARD is immortal.
No, EDWARD is not a reusable glitter glue stick.
EDWARD is a vampire.
EDWARD also has a cool car.
BELLA loves EDWARD.
EDWARD loves BELLA, but he also loves her smell.
EDWARD loves BELLA, but mostly because of her smell.
EDWARD loves BELLA because she smells yummy.
EDWARD says if he ever gets even a taste of BELLA's blood, she'll die.
BELLA is EDWARD's personal brand of heroin---in a sexily romantic sort of way.
BELLA and EDWARD discuss all of this in great depth for about 30 pages (AKA 'THE MEADOW SCENE' ).
During 'THE MEADOW SCENE, EDWARD takes BELLA on a breath-taking super-speed piggyback ride through the forest.
BELLA and EDWARD fall even more profoundly in love.
BELLA meets CARLISLE, ESME, EMMETT, ROSALIE, JASPER, and ALICE (AKA THE-OTHER-CULLENS-WHO-ARE-NOT-AS-IMPORTANT-OR-HOT-AS-EDWARD).
BELLA is blown away by their ridiculously gorgeous vampire-ness.
Like in any other normal vampire-human encounter, the CULLENS and BELLA decide to play baseball.
More ridiculously hot vampires show up: JAMES, VICTORIA, and LAURENT.
JAMES, VICTORIA, and LAURENT want to play too, because it's common knowledge that vampires love baseball.
JAMES smells BELLA's blood.
JAMES thinks BELLA is tasty.
JAMES wants to drink BELLA's blood, just like EDWARD.
BELLA runs away to Arizona and hides in a hotel with ALICE and JASPER.
Because of course JAMES cannot easily break into the hotel and kill her there.
Instead, JAMES finds BELLA's phone number in the school directory and calls her with his "Hundred Years Pre-Paid Plan" (because vampires get sweet deals like that).
JAMES advises BELLA to come save her mother at a particularly dreadful and dreary location: a ballet studio.
Somehow avoiding ALICE and JASPER's unparalleled senses, BELLA takes a taxi to the ballet studio, but discovers it was all a trap.
JAMES, menacingly reflected in the many mirrors of the studio (because any idiot knows vampires cast reflections), cackles evilly.
JAMES does not immediately bite BELLA but beats her up first, so EDWARD can conveniently rush to the rescue.
JAMES and EDWARD fight.
JAMES is supposedly stronger than "vegetarian" vampires because he drinks human blood.
Yet JAMES quickly dies by being torn up and thrown in a bonfire.
EDWARD saves BELLA from becoming a vampire by sucking her blood.
..........
EDWARD and BELLA go to prom.
BELLA says she wants to become a vampire.
EDWARD says no.
BELLA asks why.
EDWARD explains it would be an abrupt, unsatisfactory ending to a potentially bestselling book series that could possibly turn into a highly-grossing sequence of sappily romantic films.
Seeing the disappointed expression on his true love's face, EDWARD reveals that BELLA is human for only another 1,192 pages.
BELLA squeals in delight.
Yeah. You can tell I was really bored. Reviews make me smile. And by the way, yes, I've read 3/4 of the series (not Breaking Dawn).