101 More Ways To Kill Edward Cullen
It's back! It's finally back! I'm back again you rabid fuckers! Huh? No don't leave! I'm sorry, please don't go, I need you! Besides you can't miss this! More blood, more guts, more glory, more and more of Edward Cullen dying in excruciating, agonizing pain! Your psychopathic bloodlust shall once again be quenched! Sit back, play some calming music and revel in the violence, the destruction and the desecration of the worlds #1 parasite!
1 – We'll Start Off Easy
After waking from a terrifying dream in which all the world's nuclear warheads were launched at once, killing him and wiping out the entire world in a cataclysmic explosion that put the cheap, shitty special effects of the Twilight movies to shame, (Inhale) Edward realised it was necessary to change clothes since had just had an involuntary bladder explosion.
The task was simple; get up, go to the cupboard, pick out some new clothes and then put them on.
To any person that is pretty easy and straight-forward. To the mentally insufficient and unimaginably retarded creature known as Edward however this was a brain-wracking mission of immense proportions.
He tried getting out of bed, sliding out from under the blankets and stepping forward, however his foot was snagged under the sheets still and so he tripped and fell. He bruised his precious (In his eyes only) face and with a grumpy pout like an over-grown child stumbled over to the cup-board.
The old wooden cupboard loomed over him, standing well over three metres to reach the ceiling. It was not just remarkably tall either. It was heavy. Its frame would have weighed as much as an average car if not more. The walls were thick, the handles were made of solid ivory and it was stuffed full of enough clothes to make you think a woman was living here.
Well...
Edward managed to slip in the spreading puddles of his own 'leakage' before finally reaching the cupboard. He wrenched open the doors which creaked on rusted old hinges, forcing the pitiful excuse for a vampire to wet himself again.
He was now in a desperate hurry to change his clothes and rummaged through the two levels of racks which stored all his garments. He spotted his favourite pants right up the top and so he went up on the tips of his toes and stretched. Alas, he could not reach it...
So he tried again, lifting one leg up into the air to reach higher. He only just touched the tip of the pant leg, but was still far off from reaching it. This was going nowhere fast and so he decided with a brilliant idea and a light bulb above his head, that he would just jump up and grab it!
He stepped back to gain a run-up and then burst into a brief sprint to the storage space. He leapt high up into the air and caught hold of the upper rack, but in doing so momentum caused the cupboard to become unsteady and sway back and forth. It was going to fall!
So Edward dropped down, with his favourite pants of course and landed awkwardly on the smelly floor. The cupboard shrieked as it began to fall down upon him, its great shadow consuming the stupid little try-hard vampire bitch!
He let out a girly squeal of terror and scrambled towards safety, crawling like the insignificant bug that he was. His upper body became clear of the shadow and he saw victory just ahead, but then his hand slipped. After being placed in a slippery little puddle soaked into the floor, his left hand dropped out on him and he fell onto his stomach.
With little time to lose he tried to army crawl out of harm's way, but Edward was a worthless, pansy so he had no idea how to do the army crawl and thus did not get out of the way in time.
The heavy oak cupboard crashed down upon him, its thick roof bearing down upon his lower back and crushing his spinal cord. The force of the impact pushed his organ up into his ribcage in a hernia from Hell, cramming them together to the point that not only did they threaten to burst his rib-cage open, but also smother each other and gradually snuff each other out.
Edward was helpless. Unable to scream for help as his lungs could not inflate. He just lay there in agony while his body slowly and painfully shut down on him.
2 – A Little More Complex
Edward is performing renovations in his gigantic mansion again. Well technically it's not again, it has just been an ongoing project for several years now with multiple set-backs, often including Edward himself being maimed and killed. Oddly enough, Edward had not thought to hire contractors yet and still insisted on doing the renovations himself.
He glanced at the various stages throughout his house. Some were half-way through being done up and some had not even been started. It looked an unsightly mess to the homosexual male with the false label of 'vampire'.
He stared at a screwdriver resting on a paint can lid and started to back away. He had a bad experience with a screw-driver once (Number 21 in the first one) and so he became wary of the accursed tool. He decided to play it safe and instead took out a power drill because logic and common sense dictate that it is obviously safer to use a machine than to do something dangerous yourself. Screwdrivers are dangerous, power tools are better.
And so Edward moved to a patch of wall which required some brackets to hold up a shelf. The shelf would later hold his undeserved awards and accolades, something he had an abundance of lately.
The instructions were simple enough. Drill a hole into the wall where you want the brackets to go, then screw them in! That sounds easy right? Easy for most people at least. But for others...
Edward stared at the power drill as if it were some long lost magical artefact. He studied the trigger and furrowed his brow in concentration, not that there is anything to concentrate on, it's an on and off switch...Anyway he focused on the trigger and playfully prodded it like a curious child. The device rumbled and shook as the drill spun erratically. Edward yelped in fright and threw the scary machine across the room.
It sailed through the air, still whirring with a mechanical hum. It was headed towards the paint can...The pain can with the lid balanced precariously, half over the can and half off...A lid upon which rested the screwdriver, an old nemesis...
Edward noticed this and started fleeing the room and with good reason. The drill smacked down upon the paint can lid and like a see-saw it threw the screwdriver up into the air in the opposite direction. It somersaulted through the air like a throwing knife and soared closer and closer to the moronic vampire who bolted for the exits.
In his haste he tripped on the toolbox he had set aside and smacked the floor with a heavy thud. The screwdriver flew straight past him and collided with the liquor cabinet a few metres away. This resulted in an explosion of glass, sending sharp painful hail all over the room, slicing into the weak little vampire queen (Ha! He wishes!)
A pitiful wail of sheer agony escaped his pale lips and Edward crawled to his feet, injecting glass shards into his palms in the process. He stumbled through the kitchen in an attempt to reach the phone in the living room but tripped and fell on the slick tiled floor since his feet were soaked in whisky. He crawled the rest of the way, leaving a trail of sweet smelling alcohol along the way like a diseased slug.
It took a painfully long time to reach the table beside the couch and the wounded little creature extended a hand to snatch the phone, but it was not there! He choked on his own spittle and cursed. Where was the phone?
He scanned the room and found the cordless phone lying on the floor near the fire-place. Edward's eyes lit up like Roman candles (You'll get it soon enough) and lurched forward ever so slowly on his hands and knees. His expensive rug was covered in scattered spatterings of blood and other fluids but Edward did not care. He could buy a new rug another time. For now he just had to reach out and grab the phone.
He stretched his arm out and his fingertips only just scraped the plastic exterior of the phone. He tried again but ended up knocking it around so that it spun further out of reach. Edward cursed and pushed his body further. He reached out again and caught hold of the phone.
He let out a triumphant cheer, or at least tried to. It sounded like the strangled squeal of a butchered pig. That was because a little sparkling cinder spat out from the open fire and landed on the abominable creature's arm and instantly started to sizzle.
Within ten seconds Edward's body was ablaze and it was quickly spreading around the house. The gay little vampiress died in agony, burnt to ashes alongside his home...
...All because of the screwdriver!
3 – Look Both Ways
While chasing a shiny red ball down the street, Edward unwittingly runs out into a busy intersection, forgetting to look both ways or to actually look at all. A hybrid car slams into the stupid vampire whose frail womanly frame fails to damage the car but does scare the living shit out of the passengers.
After identifying the mangled corpse that had been plastered to the front windscreen and confirming that it was very much dead they drove off and promptly sold the car on Ebay, still with Edward Cullen pasted on the front. It fetches a high price and Hybrid cars become a collector's item.
They may not have looked both ways, but they did look the other way in regards to the vampiric disgrace and so we're all happy.
4 – Good Samaritan
It was a nice day for a stroll. A lovely, sunny day with a perfect cloudy sky. With this in mind, Edward sought to stroke his ego by taking a walk around town just so he could be recognised by passers-by. In order to look inconspicuous and make his encounters spontaneous he hastily snatched up a newspaper that was four months old, but one that he used in these situations often because the front and back pages were covered in Twilight propaganda.
He would deliberately stroll out in front of traffic just so they would blare their horns at him because in Edward's deluded little world that equated to publicity. They were longing because they recognised him! Ah, he was so beloved...
Bullshit!
On this delightful stroll through town many people stared, many glared, many threw things at him, tokens in his mind, offerings to their god. Ah, he was so beloved!
On this walk he took another detour through oncoming traffic. There were cars up ahead in the road and by the time they slowed down they would surely notice him and then he would be showered in praise and good will from his adoring public. That was how it always went down.
But not this time.
Edward skipped out into the middle of the road, the newspaper still up around his face. A faded facsimile of his own face was plastered on the front smiling like the smug jackass he was.
The motorists further ahead did indeed notice. They all did. They recognised him because only one fuckwit ever stumbled out into the middle of traffic, dancing like a fairy and waving about the same fucking newspaper every single day! He was notorious around these parts.
One motorist took notice and scowled. An old man sat beside him with a book and a clip-board taking notes and giving instructions. A dull little card was wedged between the license plates of this little old compact. The plates bore a little 'L' in black block lettering.
The man gave instructions but the young man did not listen, he was fixated on the dancing idiot in the road. He immediately put his foot down on the accelerator and swung across into the next lane. He took aim and steadied himself, ignoring the cries of the instructor.
Edward still danced on in the middle of the road, oblivious to the oncoming traffic. He heard the roar of an engine and the honking of a horn and began to blush. Ah, he was so beloved-
'THUD!'
The compact little car slammed into the fairy prince and Edward was sent flying. He smacked into the road and scraped along, his sparkling skin shaved off on the rough tarmac along the way. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the clear blue sky, but it was soon drowned out by a dull metallic grey.
Then the tyres moved over him, crushing him. One tyre rolled over his legs, pressing down on his knee until it bent inward and shattered into a million pieces. Before he could even scream the tyre on the other side rolled over his face. His right cheek caved in and his teeth were split up and scattered around his skull. His tiny brain was pushed up against the left side of his head but the rest of his forehead soon collapsed in on itself, sharpened fragments of bone piercing the brain like a balloon. Edward's eyes exploded out of his skull, bursting with audible 'pop's. Blood splattered across the two lane street and all traffic ceased, but the compact kept on going.
The back tyre ran back over the pulpy mess that was Edward's head. The mushy pile of brain matter was flattened into a stale, foul-smelling pancake and the rest of his shattered cranium was broken into brittle little pieces. More blood splattered out onto the roadway.
Two days later all repairs to the car were willingly paid for by the government and the learner driver was awarded his black license.
5 - Good Samaritan (Alternative)
It was a nice day for a stroll. A lovely, sunny day with a perfect cloudy sky. With this in mind, Edward sought to stroke his ego by taking a walk around town just so he could be recognised by passers-by. In order to look inconspicuous and make his encounters spontaneous he hastily snatched up a newspaper that was four months old, but one that he used in these situations often because the front and back pages were covered in Twilight propaganda.
Edward strolled through the crowded walkways anticipating meetings with his under-aged and mindless fans but none such encounters occurred. Edward continued to walk along the side-walk, going unnoticed by the general public.
Persistent right until the very end, Edward kept on walking for hours, obliviously walking into the bad part of town. He heard hushed whispers and running footsteps and the light of hope shone down upon him, making his skin sparkle in a needless display of pathetic and needless extravagance.
Edwards pride as cut down when a knife sailed through the printed copy of his face and promptly continued on until it sliced through his cheek.
Stunned, Edward jumped back, but like always he wasn't looking where he was going and fell back. He stared up at a homeless man wielding a rusted steak knife that was probably thrown out by one of the nearby restaurants. The homeless man snarled and stood over his prey.
Edward stammered hopelessly and raised his hands in defence, feebly screaming incoherent promises. "Please spare me! I'll give you a ticket to the Breaking Dawn premiere!"
Guess how the homeless man responded1 No seriously guess! Guess you lazy sack of shi- 'Ahem' Sorry...Never mind.
The homeless man indeed took the tickets. But immediately afterwards he drove the knife deep into Edward's gut and killed him. He then went to the movie premiere of the ill-fated piece of garbage and slaughtered everyone who had voluntarily watched the damn thing.
He now lives in an extravagant house.
Edwards's corpse was found in a restaurant dumpster. The local homeless population sustain themselves on the fresh meat and are ever grateful.
Now it's your turn. Send in your requests. The first 101 ways were easy enough to come up with, but reaching 202 is a different matter! So come on, send in your morbid requests and suggestions and chances are they will be featured in this grim collection of macabre musings. So give the dog a bone, it will free your hands so you can choke the life out of that sparkling faggot!
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