It was hard to imagine that a few years ago Earth was a faithful representation of hell. Not that he was trying to state that the other planets hadn't dealt with their own nightmares (Garrus still couldn't give him a full description of the situation of Palaven during the Reapers attack without losing his enthusiasm and voice midway) but Kaidan felt that Earth had seen the worst of it.
He knew he probably was being selfish to a fault, but saying otherwise would contradict his feelings. He did, however, try to show sympathy for the other races; and for some reason he didn't understand, the asari were the ones with whom his feelings flowed more naturally.
"Perhaps we should rest for a few hours before the ceremony, Kaidan."
"I'm fine, Liara." Kaidan said without taking his eyes off the codex. "To be honest, I'd rather to get this over with as quick as possible. I feel a bit dizzy."
"Are you having another headache?" Liara asked with honest concern, her arm covered with her omnitool "I've been working on a new kind of medicine for biotics. Well, for now it's mostly disjointed data Glyph has been gathering from different planets, but maybe it could be useful to lessen the frequency of your migraines."
Kaidan put the codex down and looked at Liara , with a weak smile on his lips and his hands behind his back.
"So now I am a guinea pig for experimental medicines? Well, it can't be worse than being in this office all day reading about the Elcor and the Hanar new propositions for trading. Though I guess I am lucky I have to read them instead of listening to them. As you can tell, I am one of the few people who didn't like what Francis Kitt's did with the Shakespeare plays."
Liara recoiled at Kaidan's words, her eyes looking down and appearing disconcerted, though not offended.
"No, I would never use you that way, Kaidan. How can you think that ? I don't even think I have the heart to use Shepard's old Space Hamster as a subject." She calmed down after a few moments and sighed in relief. "Oh, I see. You were joking. It amazes me that not even with this upgraded DNA I am unable to catch up with humor. And I think that Kitt's interpretation was unique."
Hearing her name stung like the cut of a sharp knife. It was far worse than the headache he was indeed having at the moment. Kaidan made the best of his efforts to cloak his pain away from Liara, and it demanded so much of his mental strength that it physically exhausted him.
"Well, no one is perfect." He said with a shrug, trying to fake a good humor. "And if it makes you feel better, I can assure you that you are better at understanding humor than the geth."
"I am flattered…I think." Answered Liara, her voice resembling amusement though deep down Kaidan could hear the soft tone of sadness. The asari sighed and walked towards Kaidan. When she was close enough, she put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
It was so light that Kaidan could barely feel it. He held hers with his and squeezed it tightly. They looked at each other in silence.
Whatever comfort Liara tried to give Kaidan needn't words, and he preferred it that way.
Once he tried to speak, his voice broke. The lump on his throat was at the edge of undoing itself and flow through his eyes. He looked away and took a deep breath while Liara remained in the same position.
"I am sorry, but I think I'd rather be alone." Kaidan whispered, his tears kept at bay and his headache becoming insignificant in comparassion to the memories of Shepard. "Forgive me, Liara."
"No, I understand." Said Liara, nodding. She took her hand off of Kaidan's shoulder and gave him one last comforting look before walking toward the office's door. "I'll meet you later, when you are ready for the ceremony. I must insist you try to clear your mind, Kaidan. Perhaps that wasn't a good choice of words, but do it as a favor for your asari friend."
"I..." Kaidan started, holding his chin with one hand. "I will try."
"Good enough." Liara said. Before she left the office, she turned around and added. "See you later, Councilor Alenko."
After she was gone, Kaidan made his way back to his desk and sat down. He tried to distract his mind with the codex about the Elcor and the Hanar, but it no longer worked.
"Those big stupid jellyfishes…" He laughed absent mindedly. Sooner than later, the codex was again lying down on his desk, alone and forgotten. He stretched and yawend. "Maybe a little walk won't hurt."
However, that was easier said than done. He didn't have neither the energy nor the enthusiasm to go on a walk he would enjoy sincerely, but he needed to leave his office for while. Otherwise, he was afraid that the memories would overcome him.
Kaidan couldn't allow them to distract him when he was at work. And being the Human Councilor was a particularly stressing one.
And even with the upgraded DNA, politicians still had to find a way to make actual politics be more about action and less about bullshit.
As bad as it sounded, it was perfect to keep the memories away. Political bullshit was useful in its own weird ways, Kaidan couldn't deny it.
The problem surged when his job failed to keep his mind occupied.
Not matter what happens…
He slammed his fists again the table and got up, decided to get out of that office that still reeked of Udina's treason. Even thinking about that old bastard was upsetting, and yet he had no problem in sitting in that exact same chair he had used before his death every morning.
But did it really matter?
Udina was dead; he no longer cared about anything.
Dreams, hopes, ambitions, they all stopped having any transcendence the moment the bullet had pierced its way through Udina's heart, ending his life for good. A bullet that Kaidan had fired.
Meaningless.
The dead were meaningless. All of them, regarding of whether they died as traitors or legends.
No reason to worry about them, no reason to think about them.
Not even Shepard was worthy.
Kaidan stopped two steps away from the door. His legs were frozen and his face went numb. It amazed him how simple it was for him to think about it without pain or remorse, but whenever he tried to actually do it, he found it impossible.
He was all words and thoughts but little to none results.
Maybe he was fit to be a politician after all.
"Squeak!"
He gazed at the cage placed in the bookshelf near his aquarium. Normally neither the fishes nor a space Hamster would have been allowed inside the Human Councilor Office, but being part of the squad that pretty much was responsible for saving the galaxy gave Kaidan the right to ask for some eccentricities regarding the decoration of his work's space.
"Sorry little guy, I wasn't trying to wake you up." Kaidan tapped the cage gently as if he meant to caress the hamster through the glass. The tiny animal shook its whiskers before dashing back to its little fortress.
"Heh, you might be old but you sure are still quick." Kaidan said, feeling more relaxed. "I'm going out for a while, so be sure to keep my office safe. And if anyone tries to enter, remember: go directly to the eyes."
The hamster squeaked again.
"Wow, now you know how to answer me!" Kaidan laughed amused and then he scratched his head. " Maybe I should stop talking to the hamster so much…"
After feeding the fish (because Shepard had accidentally starved dozens of them to death for Kaidan to learn that leaving without feeding them was not a very good idea) , he finally left his office and went to the Commons.
People of all races surrounded him, too immersed in their conversations and lives to put any true attention to the Human Councilor that walked among them. Asari, Turians, Salarians, Humans,Quarians…even the Geth, they all had learnt to live in peace. Some species, such as the Batarians and the Yahrg still preferred to keep their distance and were no strangers to threaten the other species, but this wasn't surprising to Kaidan.
A synthetic-organic DNA was an improvement but not perfection on its own. If the galaxy really wanted to achieve a new order of life and evolution, they had to work on it.
"Easier said than done." Said Kaidan under his breath as the elevator doors closed in front of him, thinking of the floor he wanted to go. The last thing he saw was an elcor and a volus arguing. It was a shame synthesis hadn't helped them to speak faster. "Maybe some of us were just not meant to evolve. Maybe some of us…are hindered."
Again, the memories started to overwhelm him.
No matter what happens, know that I...
It felt like an eternity before the elevator finally reached its destination. His forehead was covered in sweat and his breathing was hoarse. He stepped out of the elevator clumsily, catching the curious eyes of a few strangers.
"Hey, easy there Human Councilor. One might think you are drunk." Said a familiar voice as Kaidan was grabbed by the arm and helped to regain his balance "That would be one hell of an anecdote to tell, but maybe not a good asset for your reputation."
After a few moments, Kaidan managed to catch his breath and smiled.
"I wasn't expecting to find you around here, Garrus. But you are a nice sight for sore eyes."
"Heh, only if you think of scars and this weird green glow as soothing."
They shook hands, and despite Kaidan still had the desire to be alone, meeting one his friends was a pleasant surprise.
Garrus had changed very little throughout the years, both physically and emotionally. Though after the defeating the Reapers, he had chosen a more settled lifestyle for the sake of his family and his homeworld, but he still went out on missions and acted as a military advisor when the situation demanded it, if only occasionally.
Curious about what had brought him to Earth, Kaidan started to question Garrus. The answer he got should have been an obvious one, but Kaidan thought his migraine might serve as an excuse for asking silly questions.
"Liara told me about this ceremony and invited me to come. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to, but contradicting the Shadow Broker is not a mistake I am about to make any time soon. Besides, I was a bit curious to see how Earth was doing since it became the new Citadel, if we can call it that way." Explained Garrus.
"It's still a work in progress, but we've been working on it. You might say we have achieved to replicate some of the Citadel's atmospheres already." Said Kaidan with pride.
"Like the snobbish feeling and the high prices?"
"Hey, that's not true." Replied Kaidan, followed by an awkward silence and a smirk from Garrus . "Okay, it's true, but it's something."
"It sure is, Councilor Alenko." Said Garrus, inviting Kaidan to walk with him "Seriously now, it's impressive, especially if you considered it's been less than a decade. Good work, Kaidan."
"Thanks." Said Kaidan . "Listen Garrus, it was nice to see you, but I should go now. The ceremony will start in a few hours and…"
Garrus interrupted him with a pat on the back.
"A few hours you said? Well, that means we have some time to have some fun. Is there a Purgatory Version Two around here? If not, be sure to put that in your 'things to built with urgency' list. Well, two friends can still have fun even without sexy dancers, drinks and loud music, believe it or not. Let's take a cab, I'll drive you somewhere spectacular."
"But I thought this was your first time here…"
"Irrelevant. Don't tell me politicians sucked all the fun out of you already, Alenko."
"No, but man, do they try."
Before Kaidan could stop him, Garrus had already taken a cab and sat on the driver's seat.
"Get in."
Kaidan's jovial attitude met an obstacle when he realized he now had little chances of being alone. He wished for a moment he hadn't left his office. He was willing to leave Garrus without any further explanation, and not out of anger, but simply out of desire for solitude. However, the memories stopped him. Being alone without having something to distract himself was far worse than being accompanied when he didn't long for company. He was fond of neither, but the first one was painful while the second one was just mildly annoying.
So without much enthusiasm, Kaidan got into the cab and allowed Garrus to drive him wherever he wanted to. He could hear the echoes of Garrus' conversation and jokes, but he answered most of them with one syllables.
"Are you alright, Kaidan?" asked Garrus, serious this time.
"Yes." Lied Kaidan "Just having a little migraine."
"Right. Well, I know just what it takes to heal headaches. Hope your aim and biotics haven't gotten too rusty."
"Yeah…" was everything Kaidan answered.
Garrus understood Kaidan wanted to remain silent and respected his choice by making no further attempts of starting a conversation and focused only on driving.
Kaidan decided to close his eyes for a few seconds that ended up becoming a sleep without a dream. Before he was lost in his unconsciousness, a cold whisper almost turned his peaceful sleep into a nightmare.
No matter what happens, know that I…
The last words however, remained unsaid and unheard.