"I love you."
She had said it. Those three words. The words he'd been dreading since the beginning of the relationship. Those three, little, dangerous words made him feel trapped. They brought back memories that Craig fought to keep under lock and key, that should stay under lock and key.
"Craig?"
He realized he had been staring at her, mouth open, as if he was about to say something. And then he realized that he didn't know what to say. He looked down at his lap.
"I know what I should say right now, but … I can't. I … can't." There was silence. Craig didn't want to look up and see the anger and disgust, towards him, in her face.
"Alright. Um, I feel like an idiot, but I understand if you don't love me. I'll jus-"
Craig's head snapped up as he interrupted her. "I didn't say that. I …"
She went from looking disappointed, to his surprise, to looking something that looked like a mixture of confusion and anger. "You just said-"
"I said I can't say it." She wasn't understanding. He started panicking. She was going to make him spell him out. She wasn't going to was she?
Ashley was getting angry. "I don't get it. I tell you 'I love you' and you just tell me you can't say it. I don't understand what that means. Or what I mean to you."
Craig stood up from Ashley's bed and walked over to her. He had to try to explain to her what was going on. "Ashley, I can't say it. I-I don't not feel for you. I just can't say it. I'm sorry, but I can't say it to you. I can't say it to Joey. I can't say it Angela. I can't say it." Craig looked at his hands again, not able to look at her. He was hurting her, and he couldn't stand it, but it wasn't as if he wanted to. She had to know. He had to tell her. He couldn't.
"Say what, Craig? 'I love you?' Or what you feel for someone?" She tried stooping lower to look in his eyes. To try to get what he was talking about, what he was thinking. He looked to the side.
"Th-the first one. I can't say the first one," he whispered the last bit. Ashley stared at him.
"Why?"
His mind went blank.
"Why can't you?"
He told her he couldn't. What more did she want?
"Craig? Why can't you say it?"
He turned away from her, not wanting to bring those memories up again.
"Why can't you say 'I love you?'"
He closed his eyes and covered his ears, trying to get her out of his mind. Trying to get the questions to stop. "No," he barely managed to get out.
"Craig? What's wrong? Are you okay? I just wanted to know why."
She touched him and he jumped. He spun to face her, trying to see if he could find a way out.
"Craig? Please say something. What's wrong?"
Everything was wrong. With him, with his dad, with his life. Everything was wrong.
"What's wrong, Craig?"
He snapped. "Everything! Everything, Ashley!" He squeezed his eyes shut and held himself, like when he was alone. "Everything is wrong with me," he half sobbed. When had he knelt on the ground? He hadn't even realized he done so. "I can't say it. My dad is gone and he's still ruining my life." Craig looked at the ground, unaware of the girl kneeling next to him. "After my mom died, I never heard it. It was either 'good job, sport' … or a beating if I didn't. There was always the apologies and promises of never doing it again the morning after, but the only time he told me he l-l … he told me he loved me was when I moved out. When I went back to his house to get my stuff, he finally said what I been wanting to hear. But it was only to guilt trip me. To get me to stay in the house. The only time I ever heard that, Ashley, was from the father who beat me to try to get me to stay with him. And before that, even when my mom told me … he used it … against me. He used it to get me to behave. Love was a punishment to me."
Craig looked at Ashley, both shedding tears for the pain that seemed to seep into every aspect of his life.
"I can't say it to you because it doesn't mean anything. It won't matter unless I show you I … that I do. I can't let myself turn into my dad. I couldn't hurt you like that, Ashley. Not you."
Ashley pulled his face to hers and kissed him fiercely before holding him to her. "You will never be like your dad." She said it with so much emotion that it had hurt Craig. She didn't know that, but it was nice to know that someone believed in him.
They stayed like that, with Craig laying on her in between her legs, for a while. He felt relieved. He'd never told anyone that much detail, save for Children's Aid. Even then, it was purely facts. It had never been about him. Just his dad, and what he had done. Craig was glad someone could accept him, even after everything he had just revealed.
After a bit, Craig decided that it was time for him to go home. It was getting late and he had to watch Angela the next morning. He looked up to the girl he laid on, only to find he asleep. Carefully, he removed himself from her and scooped her up before gently placing her on her bed. It was a warm enough night that she wouldn't need the blankets. Ashley mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep before turning slightly to one side. Craig stared at her, not understanding how he got so lucky as to have her in his life. Just before he turned to go, he bent over her and whispered in her ear.
"I love you, Ashley."