DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.
Before we start the story, we have to meet the teams.
Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are dating. He comes complete with a very impractical cowboy hat, and she comes with a baby-blue bandanna tied around her head just under her Teeny Tiny Ponytail Horns Of Fashion Tragedy. I think we have just seen the Amazing Race Bad Headgear Champs make their debut. They're also from Texas, so…you know, yee-ha, I guess. In an interview, Hermione says they are "the ultimate team." Actually, I would think that would be, like, Albert Einstein and Shaq, but I suppose it might be these two if those other two weren't available. I really, really hate Hermione's hair when they show it down, because it's that permy-stringy-looking blonde stuff that girls always have right before they go off the deep end and quit the cheerleading squad in a huff. Ron starts talking and -- great honk, Ron, what did you do to your teeth? My goodness, the man's teeth are so white they can be used in heavy fog to signal passing ships. They're deeply disturbing. I have no idea whether that's a chemical or a mechanical effect, but I'm telling you, that white is not found in nature on anyone's teeth. Anyone's. At any rate, he says he has no fears except coming in second. Actually, that's not an entirely dumb-ass comment, so that's one point for Ron, The Glowtoothed Boy. Furthermore, he has lovely blue eyes.
Rita Skeeter and Cornelieus Fudge are from Tennessee, and they have those funny southern accents that sound like you made them up. They're doing the race for the Ministry of Magic. Yeah, okay. She goes on to say that they're "real people" and they have "real emotions" and "real problems," but it comes out as "rill pipe-le," "rill imotions," and "rill prawblems." We see a shot of them writing in the Daily Prophet. Yeah, okay. I get it. They're the ideal pure-blood wizards.
Fred and George Weasley are best friends from Miami Beach. Here, we see Oswald complain that they'll miss flying first class, because drinking 7-UP after you've had champagne isn't easy. He also says that they're going on the trip because they're "absolutely fabulous."
Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy. They're married, but they hate each other, which is understandable, as we will soon find out. They've only known each other three and a half years, and they've been married-but-separated for two, so...you do the math. Either way, their most stable relationship point seems to be as a separated couple. In an interview, Pansy says she's not sure they can get along. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, I said that last part. Malfoy chimes in that if they do well in the race, they might get back together. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, that was me, too. Anyway, he's wearing an idiotic hat, so -- bye, Malfoy.
Molly and Ginny Weasley. Ginny is very excited to spend some time with her mom -- who's very pretty, incidentally, and doesn't look nearly old enough to be Ginny's mom, in my personal opinion. We see some footage of them playing with a scarf, which is rather fake-looking. (The footage, not the scarf.)
Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom. You know, they look an awful lot alike. I mean, one is taller, but they have the same hair, and they're built exactly the same, kinda squatty and buff without necks. They're from Boston, and they say they're best friends forever. And they call each other "this kid." So that's...very boy of them.
The obligatory Minnesota connection rears its pious head in the form of Professors Flitwick and McGonagall, who are "Hogwarts wizards from Minnesota." Where in Minnesota? Eh, doesn't matter. It's all the same. Eveleth, Minneapolis, Austin, International Falls, Moorhead...whatever, it's all freakin' fly-over territory, right? (Eye roll.) Flitwick has really creepy hair with that mostly-shaved-except-the-flat-top thing going, and normally I'd think this pegged him as a military guy, but in fact, he's a teacher. Actually, they're both teachers.
Bellatrix and Narcissa are evil witches. They've decided to christen themselves the "Gutsy Grannies," which is certainly the last time you're going to hear that name used around here. That? Is a terrible nickname. Too cute, too self-congratulatory, too much. I'm tempted to go with Team Efferdent just to spite them. Furthermore, they have monogrammed sweaters that say "GG#1" and "GG#2." I wish I were joking. The clothes are like low-rent homemade Hagrid-wear, and that is not a compliment.
Colin and Dennis Creevy. These kind of tiresome, self-congratulatory pipsqueaks are literally everywhere, which is probably part of why I hate them so, so, so much. Furthermore, they have Knit Hats Of Unbelievable And Intolerable Sucking, which are monogrammed with a "C" and a "D." Colin tells us in a voice-over that they "barely tolerate each other." (That much I can certainly believe.) Dennis says there's "respect and understanding." Colin says they're going to do "everything short of a felony" to win. Thanks, Colin, for that spontaneous moment of humor, brought to us by the notes you probably have written on your hand in permanent marker about all the witty things you intend to say. Prick.
Parvati and Lavender. Lavender is kind of a flake, you can tell immediately, because women like her do not wear double-ponytails for the first day of anything. Once you're established, you can wear them. But on the first day? At her age? No. Parvati, on the other hand, looks smart. Lavender says she does whatever Parvati says, and it looks like that's why Lavender is still alive. Parvati says Lavender has been "catered to," and that's about to stop. No more baby quiches for you.
Dean and Seamus. They're twins. They have psych degrees. I couldn't tell you which is which if you tied me to a tree and threatened to sic large dogs on me. They definitely are cool, but they are in fact freakishly identical, which some identical twins actually aren't. We see them playing basketball, which is especially eerie because you can see that they really do move exactly the same way. They think the expectations for twins will be extra-high.
Albus Dumbledore, the host of the show, wonders aloud if the teams can handle the stress of the long journey. He wonders whether the competing teams will be friends or enemies, and mentions the need for "brains, brawn, and teamwork." And in his inimitable Dumbledore fashion, he says that these are the questions as we "get ready to begin...dramatic pause...The Amazing Race."