Day 1: Mission one. May 24 2013

So. This is me, starting a journal. Just so you know. I am the great Sasuke Uchiha and I'm better known as the Uchiha prodigy or 'Teme' as my supposed best friend likes to call me. I'm a smart student with the typical Uchiha looks. The typical Uchiha looks are sexy. Just so you know. But you know what is great about you. You're inanimate. Thus I can trust you and you won't judge me.

I like the word inanimate... It sounds like intimate. I like intimacy.

Anyway..

I have been poisoned (Last mission went horribly wrong) and you know what sucks...

I'm going to die in 30 days.

I don't want anyone to think of me as a dead asshole, which of course everyone does, (Without the dead part) however fixing my image... That's easier said then done.

Today my mission was to impress Naruto, the easiest target. All had to do was act like a retard just like him.

So. I woke up in the morning because of the damn sunlight which was entering the room from a crevice in the door. I really didn't want to wake up. And you know what I hate; the sunlight. It burns and in my case the sunlight was the like a troll face. Fucking unbearable!

Wow I felt like a vampire... I wasn't sparkling yet but you know what I mean.

I know, I had spent a lot of time with Orochimaru. And between you and me; he was a pedophile. He always did want to molest me.

Anyways back to the mission.

Getting ready and eating took me a few minutes and after that I was out on the streets. People were glaring at me, glancing at me, checking me out but over all their eyes were latched on to me. It was unnerving, however the bright side was I felt like a celebrity. Which I am. I guess.

Following the badly drawn map Naruto had given me, I reached the designated place I had been invited to. Lets just say he didn't invite me to a normal ramen shop or his house. Instead he followed the footsteps of his mentor and teacher, yes Jiraya. He had invited me to a Geisha house.

I could just slice him up and eat him... The poison was getting to me.

I tried to focus on the ground feeling flustered. If I wasn't doing this to raise his respect for me, I would burn him and feed his corpse to Akamaru.

If only I could feed Akamaru to the dogs.. I know he's a dog, I understand the irony.

Akamaru sure would make a good meal...

Anyhow the yellow haired bastard soon came into sight. He seemed to have been enjoying himself. And his cheeks were flushed with too much sake. Around him fluttered all sorts of Geisha's clad in revealing Kimonos. Damn that dobe. I was ushered to the ground and I crossed my arms, keeping my eyes fixed on a pretty swirly pattern on the ground... Like Obito's mask. Then Naruto joined me and started talking. And talking. And talking.

I was failing at the whole 'Be-a-retard' act as my attention was to divert myself from the seductive women crowding around me and my rival. Most of the things Naruto said I ignored as I was trying my best to focus on the ground.

If only Naruto was a chicken. I once learned this awesome fried chicken recipe and I was still waiting for the right day to try it... Too bad he wasn't.

What is wrong with me today?

One of the geisha's was trying her best to seduce me or at least I think she was. What do you think a woman is doing when she is consistently trying to place her fat butt on your lap or running her nails over your exposed skin? It isn't entirely pleasant. On the contraire.

I feel molested.

I haven't exactly been the best analyzer today so I cant really say anything.. or in this case write anything. Why the hell am I referring to you as if you're human? I feel like an idiot. Or the poison may be driving me insane.

The Geisha that had been stroking my shoulder finally pulled away to my great relief and her flower (gag) perfumes scent slowly receded. I sighed in relief and thanked Kami. Then I felt the horrible sensation of her nail trailing down my back. I shivered and ignored her.

"Sasuke-kun... Pay attention," she crooned.

Or what? You'll hang me by my big toe. I thought bad-assly.

Ugh. This was worse than Orochimaru. But Journal. Let me tell you. Deep down inside. Very deep. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeep down. I was so aroused. But than something caught my attention. She knew my name. Naruto hadn't said my name the whole time and I hadn't told anyone. Inner Sasuke was dancing around and singing: 'YAY! I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK. YEAH!" However I was more thoughtful. I wasn't even wearing the Uchiha crest. Was I really that well known? I could feel paranoia crawling into my senses. Or maybe that was the poison effing with my head.

As I said before... Poison is... Infectious. Like me. Heh.

"How do you know my name?" I asked raising my sexy onyx eyes to look into her devilish golden ones.(I am a narcissist). Finally I faced her. Damn she had a voluptuous body and a huge chest. Gross. But like I said before... Deep down inside... Sheesh I was a guy.

She slowly pulled out a dagger from in between her chest... her huge(gag) chest, I could just... Never mind... First I stared at her in mild shock. I wasn't checking her out and I definitely wasn't going to wait for her to attack first.

I had to react so I reached for the just-in-case weapons secret hidden place and pulled out a sharpened kunai... I am not going to mention were I keep them.. And a drunk looking Naruto also stood up only to fall back down mumbling about Hinata and her 'beautiful' eyes'. Hopeless dobe.

The Geisha was evidently an assassin... Man she could have banged me and left... But NOO.. She has to attack me. She abruptly threw the dagger towards me and I grabbed it from its tip in midair because you know that's me... So damn bad ass.

'You wouldn't want to do that,' I said in a sexy, deep voice... The Geisha pulled out another knife just as Naruto gurgled from the ground: 'Hey Sasuke you're so cool. This beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick...' Then he continued happily humming the rest of the song. It was terrifying. Even the Geisha turned to stare at him.

"What the hell Dobe?" I shouted feeling my face flush uncomfortably.

The Geisha taking advantage of my moment of hesitation reached out and grabbed my hair. My beautiful, beautiful hair.. Ugh! I felt so unholy... but that's me.. so I liked it.. I guess... I am confused.

Anyway she pulled me down using an enormous amount of strength pushing me to my knees, forcing me to bow to her. Imagine me Sasuke Uchiha or Uchiha Sasuke bowing to someone. I blame this all on the freaking blonde turnip. The other more innocent (As if) Geisha's ran around screaming but I was engrossed in my fatal position and my mind was racing. I struggled hopelessly unable to break free, so I could only do one thing... Yes, yes I pulled a Sakura. Yes I can't believe it, my smooth silky hair... Gone.. Sniffle. I grasped the kunai and cut my hair. Now it looked like what it did a year ago.

Scraggly and ugly. Orchi-styled. But then again it was on my head. Mine. I'm a chick-magnet.

I swear to Kami that I will avenge my hair...

Sob.

Again why the eff did I write that?

Anyway the Geisha pulled back shocked and I flipped back expertly pulling out my kunai and attaching paper bombs to them and flinging them at her. Smooth and manly. The Geisha dodged them and I smirked. What easy bait. I ran towards her creating a clone of myself and she threw a kunai at me. I actively dodged creating another clone and when she threw the dagger at me this time I didn't dodge. I disappeared. Or she probably thought I disappeared. She probably wasn't even a properly fully-fledged ninja.

I could feel my lips pulling up into my signature sexilicious smirk.

"Pathetic," I mumbled appearing behind her, my kunai pressed against her neck. At that perfect moment the paper bombs exploded making my stance look so darn epic. Weapons. Romance. Explosions. Sasuke. Yeah..

Oh Kami.

It's official...

I am a psycho.

"What do you want?" I asked calmly, ignoring how Naruto was singing a well known song about a threesome. The Geisha's slanted eyes narrowed and her long dark hair fell. Like literally. As if someone had cut it all off and well my vision became hazy. Though it wasn't a Gen-jutsu. And she disappeared. Damn. That out ranked my badass-ry.

Anyway I spent the next three hours trying to make Naruto more sober. It wasn't easy. In the end I had to watch a Marathon of Harry Potter movies to please him. Now it was evening time and my... encounter at the Geisha house was known through out the village. And I got many. Many. MANY. Glances about the fact that: 'Why was Sasuke Uchiha in a Geisha house filled with whores?'

Oh I don't know. He wanted to buy a new pair of pants...

Moving on.

So.. I will impart another random and important fact about myself.

You know what I do when I see someone gorgeous? No? Well;

I stare.

I smile.

Then I put the mirror down.

Anyhow the mission... Sasuke focus.

Because of today's "incident" I sort of came up with a small...well...big misunderstanding. Well you see... first things first:

I am not gay. I have had my fair share of mean and humiliating instances where people thought I was twisted and gay. Not that being gay is a bad thing. I mean... It's just not my thing. If I wanted to be gay. I would. But I don't. Not because I can't... Because I don't want to.

Back to the important part. I am veryveryveryvery straight.

Okay to gain Naruto's respect I sort of... well... This is embarrassing..

Anyway... so I sort of thought Naruto had a thing for me. During the movies when Cedric Diggory had died and after we had cleared away tears of joy of seeing Robert Patterson dead he had kinda hugged me and said 'You're the bestest Sasuke.' I don't know. Don't judge me! Well you can't really judge me. I could walk out in the street dressed up like Barbie and I would still have girls after me. I'm kinda damn gorgeous and any normal human who sets eyes on me would be too scared to speak to me in fear of my radiance. Yeah...

I'm awesome.

So getting back to the topic, I was trying my best to not turn gay and still impress Naruto. We decided to go to his favorite Ramen shop. I sat beside him awkwardly after having ordered ramen and stared blankly at a wall.

It seemed pretty normal, but believe me it wasn't. Naruto's previous words kept ringing through my ears at that exact moment, 'Sasuke you're so cool, this beat is sick. I want to take a ride on your disco stick.' Love game lyrics are the... Are my demise. No matter what my head says I will never ever like Lady Gaga.

Why? Why Kami was I in such an awkward situation?!

I turned my head feeling horribly awkward and I was now facing a wall. In front of it was a flower pot...

It reminded me of Sakura.. A lone snow drop was wilting in it

Well that was a strange thought. The flower was white and Sakura was pink.

The flower was well... a flower and Sakura was human...

Damn I'm so messed up.

Then the ordered Ramen arrived and I sighed happily. The delicious scent entered my nose. Oh man I am so.. hungry..
I elegantly picked up my chop sticks and broke them apart. Then I dug in. Bowl after bowl after bowl. Maybe my appetite would put Naruto off me and he would consider someone with manners. I sloppily slurped at the soup, making sure to spill some on my clothes. I could feel Naruto's gaze boring into me and I 'accidentally' dropped a bowl. Shattering it. I could feel the Ramen guy's eyes boring into mine and I hastily fell backwards off my stool. Then I grinned up at their shocked faces smiling widely like an idiot.

I started hastily picking up the shards of the broken bowl. Oh how I wished I had a spell like 'reparo' to fix this shit. Oh how I wished I was a wizard. I still was waiting for my letter... Damn the movies did me no good. I picked them up and placed them on the counter, rubbing the back of my head and grinning sheepishly, Naruto style.

'I'm soooo sorry!' I shouted happily.

"Sasuke whats wrong?"Naruto said, looking as if he'd seen a ghost. Huh I bet he didn't find me attractive now. I tilted my head, smiling and sat on the ground. In the middle of the street.

'Oh nothing! I dropped my money,' I shouted to him, lying down on the ground.

'O...kay,' I heard him mumble. Heh. This was working so well. I was so unattractive right now.

An hour later I had scared the Ramen guy and Naruto and actually every passer by on the street. I was so good at this. I felt so proud. Then Naruto finally said that we should leave. It was around ten and we were silently walking in the lightly lit streets towards my small apartment. There was an evident lull in our conversation and boy I was so tired and humiliated. We reached my apartment and I stopped, Naruto beside me.

'Well...' I started quietly. Then Naruto grasped me in a hug. I was horribly taken aback.

'Sasuke why are you gonna die?! It's not fair! You just came back, teme! How can you just leave again?!' he shouted passionately. I was sweat dropping. Was this his friendly affection or his homosexual side?! I pushed him away, awkwardly pulling back.

'Look Naruto..' I started. His eyes were glistening with un-shed tears. I gulped.

'Naruto... Look. You're my great friend. Probably best friend. And... I really don't want to hurt you but... I'm not gay.' I said bluntly. Finally fessing up. Naruto's face blanked out.

'Umm... That's nice,' he said blankly. I could feel my cheeks heating up.

'I can't be gay with you teme!' I exclaimed loudly. Naruto's eyes widened and his un shed tears started to fall. Oh damn! Oh damn damn damn!

'BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' Naruto shouted, tears pouring out of his eyes. He started laughing so loudly, that the night echoed with his laughter. I was now starting to get the gist of the situation and oh lord I wanted to bury myself alive.

'Look Dobe. You forget this moment and I won't murder you,' I started, my face a mixture of embarrassed and murderous. Naruto fell to the ground, clutching his stomach and laughing like a maniac. And that's how my day ended. Total effing humiliation.

I hate this day.

But at least mission one was accomplished.

Sorta.

-Sasuke

P.S. If I include Akamaru in my entries... You can shoot me.

A/N: It is my first story, be kind.

Reviews are epic.

Remember the alpacas.