I know, I know, I said I wasn't writing anything for a while. Sorry. I'm super busy, but this is what happens when a nugget of an idea plants itself in my brain. A love/hate shout-out to Teobi for putting this idea in my head and then urging me to write it. :)
"Big Man on a Little Stick" is my favorite episode of all time. I think it's hilarious. I had to tone this down from it's original draft because I just can't make Duke into a consciously bad guy. He's too dumb. I've started and abandoned two other Duke stories over the years, but this one stuck for some reason. I'm not entirely sure I'm 100% happy with this, but I was in the mood for Hero!Gilligan. (Preceded, of course, by Pouty!Gilligan).
This takes place after Ginger's unsettling encounter with Duke in the jungle. Mary Ann doesn't believe her and leaves the hut to go find him.
I guess it's kind of AU because if this had happened, their actions/attitude later in the episode would most likely not be the same.
Little Muscles
Gilligan trudged through the jungle, grumbling under his breath. His shoulders slumped, his bottom lip stuck out in a spectacular pout. One of his empty coconut shell barbells hung dumbly from his fingertips. If it rolled off and dropped to the ground he wouldn't even stop and pick it up.
What good was it? He would never look like Duke. Besides, no one believed in him anyway. "You better give up." That's what Mary Ann had said. You better give up. Like she didn't believe that he could accomplish something.
He had muscles, too. Little muscles, but they were good for some things. He could chop wood and carry all the Howells' luggage and load the Minnow. He could swim faster than anyone he knew and he could carry Mary Ann back to camp when she hurt herself without breaking a sweat.
But it had taken Gilligan nearly half an hour to get out from under his big homemade barbell. He was pinned under the bamboo pole, weighed down by two boulders, wriggling futilely in the sand. Trapped. They had left him there, all three of them. Walked away, laughing and forgetting about him instantly. Gilligan craned his neck and watched Duke's arms snake around the girls as they disappeared into the jungle. They had all left him there. Duke. Ginger. Even Mary Ann.
Gilligan still wasn't entirely certain what he had witnessed that afternoon. It was his job to entertain the girls at the beach. The Skipper had officially assigned him to the task. Mostly to keep him out of the way, but Gilligan liked hanging out with the girls. When Ginger wasn't being Ginger. It was much better than collecting wood or patching the hut. It was his job to stand there and tell stories and be the center of attention while they sat on their towels in their bathing suits giggling. Since when did Duke tell better stories than him?
It was his job to take Ginger fishing and trick her into touching a real live fish and then laugh at her when she started squealing and trying to run away through the sand in her high heels. It was his job to go swimming with Mary Ann and to dunk her under the water and then grin at her when she surfaced, glaring, pigtails dripping. It was his job to quickly swim away then, feeling her fingers brush his back as she lunged for him, yelling at him, but unable to keep the laughter from her voice.
He wasn't entirely certain what he had witnessed that afternoon, but it bothered him. Of course it bothered him – Duke stole his friends. The thing that confused him was that he wasn't sure why it bothered him so much.
Gilligan had stood on the beach behind Duke, watching him flex his muscles. He watched Ginger bat her thick eyelashes at the surfer. She bent one knee in the sand and leaned toward him. She wrinkled her nose and bit her lip and Duke ate it up.
Gilligan shook his head. Ginger.
Then he turned to Mary Ann. She was doing her best to emulate the movie star, trying to look alluring as she perched in the sand in her demure black one piece bathing suit. She was grinning up at Duke, all ears to whatever dumb story he was telling. Gilligan wasn't listening, but he was sure it was a dumb story. He was watching Mary Ann closely – he saw every tiny shift of her eyes, every millimeter that her mouth opened in wonder. Duke flashed her a smile and Gilligan saw her melt right in front of him like an ice cream cone out in the summer heat. Her shoulders folded in shyly and she lowered her head. She blushed and her face lit up in a cheesy grin and he thought he even heard her sigh.
Gilligan felt something inside his body plummet. He felt like he weighed four thousand pounds. His feet were sinking into the earth. His vision went blurry. He couldn't breathe. A hot flash of anger flared up in him for a split-second before it ebbed away, leaving a profound sadness in its wake. His stomach hurt. His chest ached.
They didn't even realize he was there. He had been standing there for a solid ten minutes, directly behind Duke. They were looking right at him, but didn't see him. Gilligan said something out loud then, but they didn't reply. He even made a fat joke about the Skipper, which always got laughs, but still no response.
Duke struck a tacky bodybuilder pose, flexed a few muscles, and Mary Ann gasped. Ginger made a noise like someone had just given her a really good foot massage and Gilligan grimaced.
There was something about a man who had shoulders as broad as the Skipper, but could still wear shorts almost as small as Mary Ann's that he just didn't trust. Duke had a funny look in his eye, too. Gilligan's sister's friend used to go out with a guy who up and married someone else suddenly. He had that same look.
Gilligan wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but he knew he didn't like it.
Gilligan sighed as he entered the clearing and plodded toward his hut, feeling a full-blown sulk coming on. Maybe he should go live in his cave until Duke left. Would Duke leave? Would the girls be sad when he left? Would he try to take them with him?
Stupid surfers. Who wanted to be a surfer anyway? What was so great about surfers?
All they did was show up with their big muscles and ruin people's lives. All they did was show up and take over and steal his friends and make him feel puny and helpless. As if he didn't already have enough trouble feeling strong and confident next to the Skipper and the Professor.
Moments later, Gilligan emerged from his hut with his duffel bag slung over one shoulder. He still had his coconut weight in hand, studying it carefully. He was definitely going to go live in his cave until Duke left. He didn't care how long it took. He didn't even care if Duke got them rescued or not. He just wanted him to leave. He wanted everything to go back to the way it was supposed to be. He's supposed to take Ginger fishing and take Mary Ann swimming. He's supposed to accidentally tell Ginger everything he's not supposed to tell her. He's supposed to help Mary Ann with the laundry and drop half of it in the sand. He's supposed to make them laugh and let Mary Ann kiss him on the cheek when she gets excited and then pretend that he doesn't like it.
Gilligan nodded decisively. He was definitely going to go live in his cave. I bet they won't even miss me. They'll be too busy hanging all over Duke to even notice. And what about after he leaves? They're probably going to expect everything to go back to normal. Well, no, sir! Gilligan can't be taken advantage of like that – especially not by girls! Gilligan nodded to himself, gripping the coconut weight, striding purposefully toward the path to his cave.
Gilligan had just entered the jungle when he saw them. He stopped behind a fat palm tree, knowing that he shouldn't look. Looking would just make him feel weird again – like his chest was empty and filled with an odd pressure at the same time. It hurt and he didn't know why. He knew he shouldn't look, but he couldn't help it.
Duke was standing about fifty yards away, leaning against a tree with one hand, looking enormously smug. Mary Ann stood in front of him, rocking on the balls of her feet. She was grinning up at him, her hands clasped innocently behind her back. She cocked her head slightly to one side, listening intently to whatever he was saying. She was giving him her best look of wide-eyed interest, a look she exclusively reserved for when Gilligan told her about his latest exploits in the jungle. Duke didn't deserve that look. That look was almost always followed by Mary Ann exclaiming –
"Oh, Duke, you're wonderful!"
Gilligan flinched. That's not how it's supposed to go. He heard Duke laugh, saw him toss his head back in an overly charming way. Gilligan gripped the tree trunk so hard that his fingers began to shake. Duke laid his hand on Mary Ann's arm and she almost fainted like a teenage girl at a Mosquitoes concert.
Gilligan turned around and leaned his back against the tree. He exhaled, letting out the breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Mary Ann's laughter floated up behind him on the breeze and danced around him, taunting him.
What was he so upset about? She was allowed to hang around with whoever she wanted. It's not his fault she had lousy taste. Maybe she didn't like him like that. And so what if she did? It wasn't Gilligan's business. But maybe she didn't. Maybe.
A few feet down the path, Gilligan had the overwhelming urge to glance over his shoulder. He knew he shouldn't, but he always was his own worst enemy. He peeked back quickly and his body lifted hopefully when he didn't see Mary Ann anymore. Where could she have possibly disappeared to in three seconds? He peeked again. No, only Duke, facing the tree with his back to Gilligan.
Gilligan's head snapped back again when he heard Mary Ann laugh once more. He suddenly realized that she was still there, leaning coyly against the tree now, her tiny frame completely obscured by Duke's massive one. Duke said something to her and she laughed again, laying her hand on his arm.
Gilligan felt all the color drain from his face. His stomach hurt again. He turned and began hurrying along the path, eager to get away from there as quickly as possible. Gilligan thought he heard Mary Ann say something else behind him, but he didn't dare turn around again. He hoisted his duffel bag up higher on his shoulder and gripped the strap until his fingers ached. He hurried through the underbrush, tripping on tree roots, getting hit in the face with low-hanging palm fronds.
"Duke..."
Gilligan skidded to a halt, swaying on his feet for a moment. The unusual edge in Mary Ann's voice cut through the air like a knife and all other noise in the jungle stopped. It sent a shiver down his spine and he spun around.
Gilligan listened for a moment, but heard nothing else. He was too far away to see them clearly. He didn't want to, but he began heading back toward them, just in case. Mary Ann hadn't said anything else, but her last word replayed itself in his head, echoing between his ears, reverberating around his skull. She didn't even shout it and yet it reached his ears as if she were standing right beside him. Something wasn't quite right about it.
Gilligan paused when he was close enough. Duke was still leaning against the tree, but he had both hands on the trunk on either side of Mary Ann's waist. Her hand was still on his arm, halfway between holding him there and pushing him away.
Gilligan grimaced and rubbed his chest. He had only just turned away when he heard Mary Ann gasp sharply behind him and he whirled around again. Duke had taken his hands from the tree and wrapped both arms around Mary Ann's middle, pulling her closer to him.
Mary Ann's look of infatuated wonder slipped away. She stared up at him. "Ginger was right about you."
Duke smiled. "Oh, yeah? What'd she say?" Mary Ann's eyes widened as Duke leaned toward her.
Even from behind, Gilligan could tell that Duke was going to kiss her. He felt his face flush. His fist tightened around the coconut weight in his hand. Everything slowed down. He felt his sulky, self-deprecating, selfish pout transform into a red hot bubbling anger, churning in the pit of his stomach. The closer Duke got to Mary Ann, the further up inside his body it roiled, rising like molten lava. Up through his stomach, spreading out across his chest, sliding over his heart and dulling the ache, past his throat and into his mouth, ready to erupt.
"Hey!"
Gilligan wasn't even aware that he had spoken until after it happened. His shout echoed through the jungle and Duke's head snapped around at the last second.
"Gilligan!" The relief in Mary Ann's voice was palpable.
"Leave her alone!" Gilligan stomped through the underbrush toward them, her happiness to see him filling him with electric courage and pulling him forward.
"Gilligan, where were you going?" Mary Ann's tone turned curious, a little panicky, when she spotted his duffel bag.
"To the cave."
"Why?" she yelled urgently, like she thought he was going to go this very second and leave her there in Duke's clutches.
"Let go of her."
"Get lost, little man. We're fine." Duke took his right arm from around Mary Ann's waist and waved Gilligan away with it. Mary Ann tried to slip away, but Duke still had his other arm around her. He was too strong for her, even when he wasn't trying. He laughed. "Relax, baby," he murmured.
"What did you do to Ginger?"
Duke froze and turned to peer at Gilligan. "Nothing!" he retorted and Gilligan deflated slightly. "Wait'll you hear what she did to me."
"She didn't do anything to you," Mary Ann insisted, still held against Duke's chest. Yesterday this was something that she and Ginger had giggled about in the safety of their own hut. In reality, however, the experience was quite different. She never wanted to be this close to him ever again.
Duke laughed. "Well, that's the problem!" He winked at Gilligan as if he'd actually understand what he meant. Duke reached out and socked Gilligan good-naturedly on the shoulder and the sailor stumbled. "Run along, man. Three's a crowd," Duke said, turning away from him again.
Gilligan stared at Duke's back. His giant muscles rippled under his t-shirt. Gilligan gulped.
"Gilligan..." Mary Ann called plaintively. "Do something." She was peering at him over Duke's shoulder, eyes wide like a scared fawn caught in the headlights, pleading with him.
"Duke..." he began, voice faltering.
Duke sighed in annoyance. "I told you to get lost."
Gilligan tensed, feeling all the muscles in his body steel themselves. He narrowed his eyes. "No."
Duke turned and squinted back at Gilligan. Somehow it looked more menacing when he did it, but Gilligan stood his ground. "Little man, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Ginger," Duke said, voice low and threatening. "I don't need a cheering section."
"Let her go!" Gilligan yelled instantly, feeling another hot flash of anger surge through him, and he threw his duffel bag to the ground.
Duke flinched. He looked stunned for a second, staring at the sailor curiously. A smile slowly spread across his face and he chuckled. "Are you gonna fight me for her?"
Gilligan squared his shoulders. "Yes."
Mary Ann's eyes widened. Duke finally let go over her and she staggered away from him, hurrying behind Gilligan. Duke faced him properly and crossed his massive arms over his chest, peering down at him with extreme interest. Mary Ann pressed herself against Gilligan's back and gripped handfuls of his shirt, pulling it so tight across his front that his buttons dug into his windpipe and he nearly gagged.
"You're really going to try to fight me? You?"
"Um." Gilligan swallowed hard. He turned his head and looked down at Mary Ann hiding behind him. She peeked over his shoulder, brown eyes huge and alert. He felt her nails against his ribs as she gripped bigger handfuls of his shirt. He felt her nose against his shoulder blade. She was breathing heavily, her chest pulsing against his back, her breath warm even through his shirt.
Gilligan looked Duke in the eye. "Yes."
Duke stared down at them like a Greek god preparing to unleash his wrath on their village and then take the women for his own, as those Greek gods were wont to do. He squinted down at them, trying to figure out if Gilligan was serious, what his angle was, and trying to intimidate him, but Gilligan held his ground. Finally, Duke laughed. He threw his head back and laughed. Gilligan stood up taller and set his mouth in a determined line, which only seemed to amuse the surfer more. Duke howled for what seemed like an eternity before he took a step toward them. Gilligan backed up, his sneakers skidding in the leaves, and held his arms out protectively.
"I'm going to tell you a secret, little man," Duke began. He clapped Gilligan on the shoulder. "She came looking for me."
Mary Ann lowered her eyes and rested her forehead against his shoulder and Gilligan knew that Duke was telling the truth.
Duke leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "And I haven't heard her tell me to go away." Duke winked at him again and Gilligan clenched his fist harder, his nails digging into his palm. "Now, if you'll excuse us." Duke gripped both of Gilligan's upper arms in his massive hands and prepared to literally pick him up and move him out of the way.
"No!" Mary Ann let go of Gilligan's shirt and wrapped both arms tightly around his torso. He yelped as the wind was momentarily knocked out of him. Mary Ann locked her arms around Gilligan and Duke eyed her suspiciously. Mary Ann stared up at him defiantly. "Go away," she whispered.
Duke let go of Gilligan's arms and stepped back. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around, flummoxed. This had never happened to him before. And now – twice in one day. He started to say something, changed his mind, paced in a tight circle, and opened his mouth again.
"Mary Ann, go back to the hut," Gilligan said, never taking his eyes off the surfer.
"No."
"Mary Ann."
Gilligan felt her shake her head against his back.
Gilligan sighed. "Mary Ann. Come on." He tried to turn around to face her, an impossible task with her still attached to his back, arms locked around him. Duke was facing away from them now, brow furrowed, thinking furiously, this sudden change in events clearly too much for his brain to process. "Mary Ann..." He tried to twist around, his shirt catching and pulling and cutting off his circulation. He raised his arms over her head as he got halfway around, his side pulled against her stomach. "You're stronger than you look," Gilligan muttered. Mary Ann was peering around him at the surfer, alert and vigilant and scared. "Mary Ann, it's okay. I'll come with you." Gilligan kept trying to turn to face her until his shirt was twisted so far it was almost on backwards, the blood flow to his raised arms in severe danger of being cut off. His feet tangled together and he stumbled back a step, pulling Mary Ann with him. He yelped as he struggled to regain his footing, arms flailing above his head. The coconut barbell he clutched hit something behind him with a sickening thud and Mary Ann gasped.
Duke swayed on his feet for a moment, eyes unfocused and nearly crossed, before he fell over backward into a thick grove of the Professor's favorite ferns.
A cloud of dirt flew up from the ground around him and three birds abandoned the tree above them. In the silence, Gilligan and Mary Ann stared down at him. A welt was already beginning to form on Duke's forehead. Mary Ann finally let go of Gilligan and he exhaled with relief as his shirt slid into place and the blood rushed back into his arms.
"Did you do that on purpose?"
Gilligan shook his head slowly. "No." He turned to Mary Ann, who was peering at the surfer's prone body from under a furrowed brow. She hopped back a few inches and stepped up close to Gilligan's side. "But, believe me, I wanted to."
"You got really mad," Mary Ann said softly and he felt her picking at his shirt.
"Well ... sure." Gilligan shifted uncomfortably. He couldn't even explain why he got so mad to himself, let alone someone else – especially Mary Ann.
Mary Ann scooted closer to him, slipping under his arm, so that it hung over her shoulder. "I don't ever want to be alone with him ever again."
"You won't be."
"I don't even care if he rescues us or not. I just want him gone." Mary Ann stared warily at the patch of ferns where Duke was lying, unconscious. "I just want everything to go back to the way it's supposed to be. Swimming with you. Listening to your stories at the beach." Mary Ann inched even further back from Duke. She lifted her head and watched Gilligan carefully. "I'm sorry we paid so much attention to him. It wasn't fair."
Gilligan studied the hollow coconut barbell in his hand. He was just starting out with that to work up to the big stuff. And yet he had more power with it in his hand than he would've gotten from lifting weights for twenty years. He may have little muscles, but they worked, too.
Mary Ann studied him earnestly. He looked conflicted, confused. She tugged on his shirt. "Gilligan?" He finally turned and looked down at her. "Thank you," she said quietly. She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek.
Gilligan let her kiss him and then wrinkled his nose. "Mary Aaannnnn," he whined as usual and she laughed, but he didn't move away from her.
"You're not still going to the cave, are you?" Mary Ann asked tentatively.
Gilligan shook his head. "No." She grinned, but he looked back at Duke, brow furrowing.
"Gilligan. You're stronger than you look, too." Mary Ann poked him in the side. "Besides, I like little muscles."