I told myself I wouldn't do it, but… here's the long-awaited Warriors Movie sequel!
An ordinary day in the Thunderclan camp…
"Firestar! You have got to put an end to this!" Brambleclaw entered Firestar's den, a giant bag of mail in his paws. "I'm sick and tired of answering fanmail! I can't go to Walmart without being stopped by crazed fangirls! I just don't know what to do anymore!" Weeping uncontrollably, he sank to the ground in a puddle.
"Now, now…" Firestar said, patting him on the head (which was actually more uncomfortable than comforting…) "I'll answer the mail for you, just this once. But it is your duty as deputy, you know."
"Oh thank you, Firestar, thank you!"
"Just come put it on my brand new rainforest cherry wood desk."
Brambleclaw stared at him in disbelief. "Rainforest… what? You know they had to destroy a forest to make that! Don't you remember why we left the old forest?"
Firestar examined his claws, then filed them on his new Emory Cat scratching post. "Hmmm… now that you mention it… no, it doesn't ring a bell."
(Meanwhile, far, far away, a clan of native jungle cats are sending out a patrol of young cats into the mountains to find a new home for them, as the twolegs' bulldozers close in…)
"Firestar! You're wearing a World Wildlife Fund shirt, for crying out loud!"
"Oh, that's what the WWF means! I just liked the panda bear on the front. It's so cute!"
"You disgust me," Brambleclaw said, narrowing his eyes. "Besides, where did you get the money for all this redecorating? I thought you said we ran out of money from the Warriors Movie moons ago…" He eyed the newly installed shag carpet with suspicion.
"It did. I have… a side job." He lied.
"Uh-huh. Where do you work?"
"DAIRY QUEEN! THE NAIL SALON! WHEREVER! JUST GIVE ME THE MAIL, 'KAY?"
"Sheesh…" Brambleclaw dumped the overflowing mailbag onto the desk, and hundreds of letters came pouring out.
Firestar stared at them in dismay. "Why do we have to read them all? Why don't we just throw them all away?"
"I asked you the same question when I had to sort them, and you went on a tirade about how the hopes and dreams of millions of kittens would be crushed!"
"Somehow… I don't care anymore."
"Firestar!"
"Fine! I'll read the mail! Just go!"
Brambleclaw left the den and Firestar began opening one of the letters with his claws. RIIIIP!
"Oops, it seems I've torn this one into tiny shreds."
RIP! RIP! RIP! RIP! RIP! RIIIIP!
"Oh my… It seems I've destroyed all of the letters. Tsk tsk. Brambleclaw will never believe this unfortunate accident, will he? What's this…?"
Underneath the piles of shredded paper bearing the hopes and dreams of the young and innocent, a glimmer of pink caught Firestar's eye. He pulled out a thick, bubblegum-colored magazine covered in glitter, which promptly got in his eyes and nose and lungs.
"Hack! Hack! Augggggh! Can't breathe!"
"YESSSSSSSSS! It's here!" Out of the blue, Cloudtail shot into the den and pounced on Firestar, savagely tearing the magazine from his paws.
"What? What is it?" Firestar choked, wiping glitter from his eyes.
"Like, ClanCat Beat, duhhhhhh! I totally heard your screams for help and I knew it was the unmistakable sound of someone inhaling glitter."
"So you heard me screaming for help and only came for the magazine?"
"Ummm…"
"Here give me that. What's Clan Cat Beat?"
Cloudtail handed him the magazine. "It's only the bestest magazine ever! It's about all the most popular and famous cats! And THIS ISSUE'S ALL ABOUT US!"
"You don't have to scream, Cloudtail, but GREAT STARCLAN, WE'RE IN A MAGAZINE! AND GRAYSTRIPE'S ON THE COVER!"
Yes, there he was: striking a pose on the cover of Clan Cat Beat, with large bubble letters announcing "Hottest Clan Cat Now!"
"HEYYYY!" Cloudtail protested, upon spotting the next headline.
CLOUDTAIL: CUTE BUT TOO FAT?
"Hey, they think you're cute," Firestar said, "Don't worry about it."
He seemed depressed anyway.
Just then, Graystripe walked in wearing a fluffy robe and shower cap. "Hey, Firestar, have you seen my rubber ducky? I was just going to- GASP!" He ran over and yanked the magazine away, stuffing it into his mouth.
"What the…?" Firestar blinked. "You have five seconds to explain yourself compadre… And we've already seen the magazine."
Graystripe spit out the magazine on the floor, Cloudtail gasping in horror at his ruined magazine. "Awwww… I didn't want you guys to see it…" Graystripe said.
"Why not?"
"Well, because… I'm kind of shy. I didn't want you to see me posing on the cover."
"So half the world can see it, but not us?" Firestar facepalmed. "Don't worry, Graystripe, you look great."
"Reaaaaaaaaaally?"
"Uh… yeah. Now let's see what all this magazine says about us." He picked it up off the floor and wiped the slobber on Graystripe's robe, then opened it to the first article.
WARRIORS MOVIE INTERVIEW WITH THUNDERCLAN LEADER FIRESTAR~!
"I thought you didn't know about the magazine!" Cloudtail said.
"I didn't! This is all a bunch of baloney!"
CLANCAT BEAT: So Firestar, there have been some pretty… revealing things about your ancestry lately, with Scourge being your half brother and all. Is there any thing else you'd like to let everyone know about your fascinating heritage?
FIRESTAR: Oh, yes. I've got Tiger Blood.
CCB: Excuse me? Does that mean you're related to Tigerstar?
FIRESTAR: No, I mean real TIGER BLOOD. And Adonis DNA.
CCB: Okay then… There are some circulating rumors that you've been addicted to catnip. Are you, or have you ever been, addicted to catnip?
FIRESTAR: No, never… in recent years. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning.
CCB: Speaking of winning, Thunderclan always seems to come out on top. A lot of other clans see you guys as a bunch of goodie-two-shoes. What is your response?
FIRESTAR: I'd like to say that Starclan is just on our side, and if they have a problem with me they can come on over to Thunderclan territory and personally talk to me about it! Especially Shadowclan!
Firestar's jaw dropped to the floor and his eyeballs popped out of his head, which Graystripe promptly chased after for him. "B-b-b-b-b-b-but I didn't say any of that!"
Suddenly, there was a knock outside the den. "Come in!" Cloudtail called.
Brambleclaw stood in the doorway. "Firestar, you got some 'splainin' to do! Blackstar and Mistystar are outside the camp whining about Thunderclan being arrogant or something… Giving me a migraine…."
Graystripe helped Firestar put his eyeballs back into his head and close his jaw.
"Oh great," Firestar said, "Windclan might as well be here too. Is Onestar here?"
"No sir," Brambleclaw said, "Onestar is a sissy."
"Yes. Yes he is. Okay, I guess the only thing we can do is tell them it was a mistake, just slander and libel, nothing more. Aaaand… I vote Cloudtail go do it."
"Heyyyyy!"
"No, no arguing. Run along now." He shoved Cloudtail out of the den and slammed the door behind him.
Cloudtail stood, brushed his fur off, and gulped when he looked up at the Shadowclan leader's face. "Um, hi. I know why you're here, but you see, Firestar wasn't thinking clearly. If you read all that about tiger blood and winning, you'd know that he was obviously on-"
"Those are not your lines, Cloudtail!" Firestar called from within his den. "You were supposed to tell them ClanBeat made all that up!"
Blackstar, hearing Firestar, pushed Cloudtail aside and banged on the door. "Don't send this kit out here to explain things to me! Come out and fight, if Starclan's on your side!"
Firestar realized he had no choice, so he did as Blackstar asked and came out of the den. "Okay. I didn't say any of those things, but if you don't believe me, then I'm willing to fight."
"Alright then. Goooooo… MISTYSTAR!" Blackstar yelled.
The blue gray she-cat leapt from the shadows, wearing red suspenders and a yellow tank top, and somehow making the V for victory sign with her paw.
"What is this?" Firestar yelled.
"Mistystar is the top water Pokemon trainer in all the land! Ahahaha!"
"And…?"
"And since you're Firestar, water is your weakness. Duh."
"Nooooo!"
After a ruthless battle, Firestar fell to the ground. "Graystripe! Get Brambleclaw! I'm pretty sure he's an electric type, and I'm only down to 2 HP!"
"Firestar, you'd never even heard of Pokemon until five minutes ago…"
"Yes, and I've already converted. Now go! Ride like the wind!"
A few moments later, after a butt-whoopin' via Brambleclaw, all the cats had settled down and all was explained. In fact, there were fake interviews in the magazine for Blackstar and Mistystar as well. But not Onestar. No one likes him.
"Can we please just read the magazine now?" Cloudtail whined.
"Yeah, we wanna read it too!" Mistystar said as Blackstar nodded in agreement.
"Oh, alright," Firestar said. "We can all read it together. Just don't breathe down my neck while you look at it over my shoulder."
He flipped to a random page, which turned out to be the one about Cloudtail. Firestar considered skipping the article so as not to upset Cloudtail… but in the end he was more curious than worried about his nephew's feelings, so they read on.
CLOUDTAIL: SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL?
An entire page was dedicated to one large, unflattering photo of Cloudtail looking chunky and unshaven, wearing a scarf and sunglasses and holding a cigarette.
Firestar raised an eyebrow at Cloudtail. He had always struck him as the innocent type, but now…
"What?" Cloudtail looked at him with big, baby blue eyes.
Firestar shook his head and continued.
Cloudtail, a favorite among young she-cats, seems to have lost control of his addiction to food. Known to have snuck two-leg food before, he was put into rehab and thought to have recovered, but now rumors about his weight gain have returned. The young star was recently spotted at McDonald's, where he was observed to have ordered five whoppers and two large milkshakes. We have polled female apprentices to see what they have to say about Cloudtail's new look. Opinions range from disgust to worry to "there's just more of him to love!"
Besides his weight problems, Cloudtail has been spotted hanging around Daisy, the famous controversial pop star. Are they really just friends, or should Brightheart be concerned? Be prepared for a catfight, and keep reading CCB for further details!
For your opinions on Cloudtail and more unflattering pictures of him, go to /cloudtail-is-a-fatty.
Firestar was surprised when he didn't hear the sound of Cloudtail whimpering, so he turned around. To his shock, Cloudtail was just returning from somewhere and hadn't read the article at all.
"Where were you?" Firestar asked.
Cloudtail shrugged, biting into a Snickers bar. "I got hungry, so I left to go get a snack."
Firestar face-pawed and shook his head, then turned to the next article.
GRAYSTRIPE: HOTTEST CLAN CAT ALIVE!
Firestar skipped the article. He didn't know how Graystripe had managed to cover up his insanity long enough to convince them he was attractive, but he didn't want the lunatic to get a big head about it.
Meanwhile, Brambleclaw was on his iPhone at , commenting on Cloudtail's fat pictures.
The next article, to everyone's horror, was…
CLANS PLAN UPCOMING SEQUEL TO WARRIORS MOVIE
Blackstar and Mistystar didn't even make it through the first paragraph before shouting "leave us out of it!" and high-tailing it back to their own territories, so at least they finally left.
Firestar slammed the magazine down. "I've read about all I can take! Brambleclaw, use that fancy phone of yours for something good and call the staff of this magazine! Tell them we are not doing a sequel, no matter what!"
"Huh…? Oh, yeah, sure…" Brambleclaw continued his game of Angry Birds. Mmmm… birds.
Firestar tossed the magazine to Cloudtail. "I've had enough of this. I mean, it's just a magazine for teenage she-cats, what do they know?"
A couple of moons later…
"Aaaauuggh! My desk is gone!" Firestar walked into his den to find it strangely empty, his rainforest cherry-wood desk inexplicably missing. A note was taped to the wall.
As you did not finish paying off the desk you purchased, we are repossessing it. Good day sir, The Environmentally Unfriendly Furniture Co.
PS. Not to pry, but we couldn't help but notice the large pile of shredded paper in the corner of your den. Perhaps our bill was among there? I suggest you look for any other important mail that may have accidentally been shredded.
"Noooo!" Firestar shouted. Just then, Brambleclaw walked in. Firestar grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently. "You didn't tell me there were important bills in there!"
Brambleclaw smirked. "And you didn't tell me you've been spending all the earnings from when we were in the movie for yourself. I guess you'll just have to piece all the mail back together by paw. And… you might as well answer the fan mail while you're at it."
THE END.
A/N: Should I write more Warriors stories? I really love the boys (fatso Cloudtail, insane Graystripe, tough-guy Brambleclaw, and good ol' bossypants Firestar) They make a great little crew together. Oh, and if I did one with a group of four she-cats, which ones should I use (living or dead)?
Thanks for reading, guys and gals! :-)