Author's note: Evening, readers~ I wrote this little bit of the story some time ago and I thought I won't even post it, because I didn't think I'll continue it, even when I have pretty much the whole story in my mind. But feeling rather melancholic lately, I've decided that I can use my current state of mind in a creative way and vent all the melancholy in this story~ A little change (in compare to my other stories) won't hurt. So, prepare the tissues and enjoy~
P.S. Grammar corrected by Lynn Jones~ Honest thanks, Lynn-chan~
Title: Hate at first sight, love at second life.
Rating: M (because of future chapters)
Pair: Shizuo x Izaya
Disclaimer: Durarara or any of its characters aren't intellectual nor tangible property of mine.
"You should really take a better care of yourself, Shizuo. A few centimetres higher or lower and..." Shinra sighed, wrapping another bandage around Shizuo's shoulder.
"It's not like I'm looking for trouble, you know," the blonde retorted with a low growl. "Those punks appeared out of nowhere and one of them was lucky enough to stab me before I sent him flying..." He shrugged, causing the bandage to fall out of Shinra's hands.
Doctor just sighed again when he reached for it and continued in his work, while Shizuo ranted.
"I swear that knife looked like one of those bastard's knives...I'm sure he gave it to that brat and then watched how he tried to kill me with it. Now when I think about it, I heard some laughing from behind the corner..." Shizuo trailed off while looking up, trying to remember if he sensed a certain flea around the alley where the gang attacked him.
As he was spacing out, he didn't notice a little pause in the fixing of his arm that Shinra made after his comment, nor the troubled expression on the doctor's face.
"You know, Izaya isn't responsible for every incident in your life..." the doctor said quietly, pulling the bandage a little more tightly than was needed.
"Shinra, I recommend you to shut up before you'll need somebody who will fix you." The threat was said in rather calm voice, what made it more terrifying than usual. Irritated Shizuo, that wasn't anything surprising, but pissed off to the point when he was able to stay cold-bloodedly calm, that was scary.
Shinra didn't open his mouth anymore, not even to say goodbye when he was closing the door after his friend once he finished patching him up.
Shizuo, in his really bad mood, didn't register the fact that it was pretty strange behaviour for his usually overly talkative bespectacled friend. As he was roaming through the streets of Ikebukuro to his apartment, he figured he really wasn't going to calm down anytime soon. Walking usually helped him to come to different thoughts, but today...
The only thing he was able to think about was a certain information broker. He blamed him for everything bad in his life, it didn't matter what Shinra said. That stupid freak didn't have a clue what it's like to be terrorized by Izaya. As thoughts like that swirled in Shizuo's mind, he knew he won't be able to go to sleep before he actually kicks Izaya's ass today.
Grumbling his "kill-kill-kill" mantra, he stomped over to Shinjuku.
"Iiiiizaaaayaaaa-kuuuun~ Where are you, you scabby rat?"
Howling like a madman, Shizuo kicked out the door of Izaya's apartment. He was a little surprised when he didn't find the flea sitting behind the computer in his swivel chair. He stood there, looking around, perplexed. Izaya didn't come out of anywhere to utter one of his usual smartass remarks, which was pretty strange.
Shizuo expected an attack from behind, so he quickly turned around to surprise his enemy. But there wasn't anybody. The apartment was quiet. Dark and empty. At least it looked that way. But Shizuo knew better than that after all those years.
"So you've decided to hide, haaa~? What a coward you are, Izaya-kuuun~" Shizuo tried to hurt that enormous ego just to lure his prey out of his hiding...but nothing happened.
Clenching his fists, Shizuo kicked out the door to every room in his searching for the other man.
"You're just making it harder for yourself, flea. I'll kill you slowly just because you made me spend so much time in this fucking den of yours." He threatened, even when he knew he wouldn't go that far. Probably. He would just beat him to unconsciousness and go home satisfied. If he could just find that louse...
He even looked into the wardrobe, but Izaya wasn't anywhere. The info surprisingly didn't cause him to go berserk, but actually cleared his mind enough to realize that the flea probably went outside to meet some of his dubious clients or to annoy someone to death or whatever that jerk usually did in his free time.
Shizuo sighed and looked around. The anger finally left him, so it was actually a little awkward for him to be in flea's apartment. All alone... And as he noticed, he was right now in Izaya's bedroom.
"Great...just great." He rolled his eyes as he felt utterly uncomfortable all of sudden. The irritation started to bubble in him once again. "I think I'll simply 'redecorate' in here, as a little surprise present for that bastard when he comes home," Shizuo mused with a smirk and walked to a piece of furniture that dominated the room. He planned to change that king-sized bed to pile of splinters and then he'd do the same with Izaya's computers and...he'd see what other nice stuff the flea has in here. Firstly the bed, he nodded to himself inwardly as he observed it for a minute.
"Maybe I could simply throw in through that big window in flea's office..." He pondered, when something caught his attention.
It was a letter.
A snow-white envelope on black silk sheets, it was impossible to not notice it. He wouldn't really give it any more thought, if the letters on it didn't burn into his eyes.
For Shizu-chan
"The hell...?!" Shizuo stared at the letter as if it was going to explode any minute. That was the very first thought that crossed his mind, no kidding. He heard about letter bombs in news, he wasn't stupid enough to open anything that Izaya prepared for him. No. Just no.
But no matter what he told to himself, he couldn't take his eyes of the piece of paper. Just how the hell did that bastard know that he was coming over here? Was he really hiding somewhere in the apartment? But Shizuo didn't find him, nor could he feel his enemy's presence, so he believed he was all alone in the apartment.
"So why...Why is there a letter with my name...well, with the idiotic nickname that the fucking bastard uses all the time..." Shizuo wondered aloud. Like this, there was no way the letter could be addressed to anybody else. It was for him and him only.
He knew he was going to regret it, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it if he didn't take a look. Like they say - curiosity killed the cat. He just hoped that he's not a cat in this case.
Shizuo carefully reached for the envelope, still expecting it to explode. He wondered how much destructive power a little bomb like that can have and if it could kill him, but he decided to take the risk anyway.
He slowly opened the envelope, which wasn't sealed, half closing his eyes and holding it as far away from his body as he could. When he pulled out a few sheets of paper and nothing bad happened, he started to believe that the letter was actually just a letter and not a weapon or anything of that sort.
He threw the envelope away and looked at the papers. Probably just some kind of prank...or not.
As his eyes ran across the sentences written in pretty looking handwriting, the world around him started to spin. It was like a crazy ride on a spiral into the depths of hell...
When he finished reading the letter for the second time, he realized that he would actually prefer if the envelope was a letter bomb.
My dearest Shizu-chan.
If you read this letter, it means I'm dead.
Whoa, I always wanted to say that, sounds pretty dramatic, ne~? I suppose I would laugh at that, if it didn't make me feel a tiny bit depressive. I wonder what happened to me...Oh well. Shit happens.
I'm torn between wishing for you reading this letter, so you could finally realize some things in that protozoan brain of yours and you not ever reading it, because honestly..I don't want to die. Not now, not in the next decade, simply never... No matter how pathetic my life must seem to you, I like to be alive. One of the reasons is that I like knowing things. And what's beyond the death, that's info which even the best informant in the city can't obtain beforehand.
I really don't think there's anything. I suppose I'm going to simply vanish as if I've never existed...Or better said, I already did. Isn't that idea frightening? Now I can tell you that for me it is...
But maybe I went to hell? I don't really believe in its existence, but you probably wish me to go there. Right? I know you well enough to know you do. Would it make you happy, Shizu-chan? It would, ne? So I wish I'd go to hell, so my death has at least some meaning.
Did it make you think - why the hell would Izaya wanna make me happy? Heh. I can practically hear your thoughts, Shizu-chan. But I wouldn't be too surprised, if you reacted differently. You never do what I expect. Maybe you already ripped this letter to pieces...but if you are reading this, please continue. I have something important to tell you, I just...need to mentally prepare myself for that, so bear with me for a moment. Take it like a last wish. You wouldn't deny me one, ne? You're a good person deep inside, I know you would grant a last wish even to someone like me. Let's move on then.
I want to tell you a story. A romantic one, could you believe it? I'm not really a pro in those, I'm much better in horrors…but I'll do what I can.
Once upon a time there was a young boy, who was too smart for his own good. Of course everybody was very proud of him, parents and teachers and such, and they all predicted a bright future for him. But even though he came from a nice and loving family, they never really understood him. They almost never listened to him or when they did, they didn't understand. They didn't even try to understand. They just told him how he was supposed to behave to have a happy life and that was it.
He also never had any friends. Not that he craved for them, he was fine on his own, but sometimes - just sometimes - he might feel all alone in the world. Many envied him his talent, many called him a weakling because he wasn't too strong. He decided to simply observe the people and try to understand them, because he didn't feel like he did anything bad to anybody and yet nobody really liked him. Was his existence so bothersome? It probably was for everybody except those few people who claimed to like him. But since they wanted to control him, to use him for their own desires, he couldn't tell anymore if they really held any feelings for him or he was just a mere tool in their eyes.
He felt suffocated. He craved for freedom just as much as for acceptance. Though he couldn't understand why he should change anything about himself, when he liked himself the way he was, just to please others and fulfill their expectations.Why couldn't they like and accept him the way he was?
As he grew older, he started to believe that he might be better than all the other people, because they didn't understand him at all even though he could read all of them like an open book. The gap between him and everybody else started to be wider and wider.
But he was strong. Stronger than people usually are. He didn't let the pressure of feeling so disconnected break him. He came to terms with the idea that the only person that he can count on was himself. That he is all he needs in his life. That he is his own best friend.
It wasn't so easy at the beginning, but over the years he accepted reality the way it was. It was him, high above everybody else, and all the other human beings were just objects to observe to kill the boredom. It was easier to think about them that way, because if he didn't care about them, there was no longing for some connection and without longing there wasn't any pain in his heart.
There was just one person, who he counted as something of a friend, since the guy was just as ostracized as he himself. Birds of a feather flock together...
Well, once he reached the age when he could take care of himself, he left his old life behind and started anew at a new school. Coincidentally, and it's pretty funny actually, just when he was finally able to accept the lonely life that awaited him, his world was shaken like never before.
Ne, do you believe in love at a first sight, Shizu-chan?
You shouldn't, it's a bunch of bullshit.
Though love is just as unpredictable as you, so…who knows.
There was a certain interesting human, who claimed to hate the hero of our little story upon the very first meeting. In a mere seconds. What was the boy's reaction? It pissed him off. He was used to being hated because of this and that, but someone who actually didn't know a thing about him... He took a little revenge on that person, for making him feel such an uncomfortable emotion like anger.
But he couldn't stop wondering why it all happened the way it did and simply... He couldn't stop thinking about the other person. He thought about him so much that it actually made him angry. And because it always relieved a little bit of his frustration when he stuck around that person, he always tried something new to get closer to him.
It was fun to play pranks on that person, because he never reacted the way the boy expected it. After quite a short time the boy realized that this person isn't like everybody else. He wasn't like a normal human. So he started to call him monster, just to show how much that person was different from everybody else. More like the boy, who was also called monster many times. It was fun and nice and warm to be close to that person, like there was some kind of bond between them.
And after that it didn't take too long till the boy realized, just why his little universe changed so much from the moment that person appeared in his life. He realized, that for the very first time in his life, he was in love...
And then they lived happily ever after~
Nah, just kidding.
Another bullshit that doesn't happen in real life.
Since the person of his desires so vehemently declared that he hated him, the boy was pretty frustrated. In pure despair he decided to become the most hated person in that person's life. What kind of logic is that? Love isn't very logical thing, let me tell you. Hate and love, both are full of passion and thus there's not so much difference between them. Don't they say 'there's a fine line between love and hate'? See, the boy wasn't really as crazy as one would think.
All he wanted was to be always on the mind of that person, just as he always had that person on his mind. He just wanted to keep their bond, even when it was bond of hate. It was better than nothing, that much he knew already.
And living like that, making a living hell of his beloved person's life, year after year has passed...
And that's the end of the story.
I don't want to underestimate your mental capabilities, Shizu-chan, but I don't want to overestimate them either. Then this whole letter wouldn't really have any meaning. So, since you've never been the sharpest tool in the shed, I'll tell you.
Surprise, surprise, the story was about me~
I assume you've never been really interested in knowing anything about me... But I'm selfish enough to tell you my story, so thanks for listening to it, I suppose. I don't know whether you'll decide to believe it or not, but I was completely honest. Why would I lie in my last message? Let me assure you that I'm not that bored that I would write all of this if it was mere nonsense.
Well, now that you've looked a bit into my mind…do you think I'm a mental case? That I'm a bizarre creation of nature? Sometimes I thought those things about myself too... Maybe the world would be a better place if I had never been born? Well, I'm not here anymore to stir up a mess, so maybe the human race will finally achieve world peace~ ...Just in case, I didn't mean it seriously. Geez, it's pretty hard to use irony and sarcasm in a letter, did you know that?
Maybe you're freaking out about the second part of my story. The part where you took the role of the second main character... I would sell my kidney to be able to see your expression right now. Are you shocked? Disgusted? Maybe...a little...upset?
Nah, I'm sure you're not. You hate me after all. You always did and I want to thank you for it. Thank you for hating me so passionately, Shizu-chan, it really made me happy that I could share such a strong bond with you. And no, this wasn't sarcasm.
Hmmm...I would love to know…what would you do, if I told you, while still being alive?There's no way you would believe me, ne? Would you try to kill me?
Probably...
Do you wonder why I didn't tell you during all those years, Shizu-chan? Because I'm a coward. I didn't want to see you making fun of me because of my feelings. I didn't want to show you how much of power you have over me, I didn't want you to see how weak I am...
I wished to show you many things, to share many memories with you, to be happy with you, but I knew it was all just a very unrealistic dream. Back at high school I even made a list of things that I wanted to do together and I spent many hours imagining what it would all look like. You can take a look at it, I added it to this letter... You can laugh at just how silly I was, it won't hurt me anymore since I'll never see your face again.
I don't know what kind of feelings this confession stirs in you, I just hope that you'll spare a little bit of your memory to keep me in mind. I'm aware of the fact that it sounds totally pathetic, but... Please, don't forget about me, Shizu-chan. Let me live in your memories...forever.
I know I can't apologize enough for the mess that I caused in your life, but let me compensate my selfishness at least a little. In my will, except a few little things, you're my only heir. I also added to this letter all the documents that you'll need. You're now the owner of my apartment, plus a few others in the city and also all of my bank accounts (except two, since one I left to Shinra and one to my family). And that's pretty much all I own. It's all yours. I know it's not enough to earn your forgiveness, but I believe it'll help you to enjoy the peaceful happy life that you always wanted. I envy the lucky woman that you will choose to accompany you. I bet you'll have a lot of kids too~ And if you ever have a black cat, you can name him Izaya, I won't come to haunt you because of that.
So, I'm almost at the end of this sappy torture. I wonder if you still read this... You probably burnt everything after seeing the envelope. Oh well.
At least I won't die from embarrassment while saying the last thing I have in mind. Even when logically I'm already dead, so... Ah, that's not what I wanted to say, but I'm kinda nervous, heh... Okay, I think I'm prepared to say it now.
I love you, Shizuo. I always did and always will. You were my first and only love, believe it or not. My life was really nice thanks to you and I want to thank you for everything.
The only regret I have is the fact that we couldn't do anything from the list together... But one can't have everything, ne~? It was enough for me to exist in the same world as you. Goodbye.
Let's meet in the next life, maybe? Hah, just kidding. You're finally free from me. I wish you happiness, Shizu-chan~
Forever in love,
Your Izaya
"This...this must be some sick joke...right? Right?!"
Shizuo had a pretty hard time believing a word of what he just read, but he couldn't wrap his mind around why the flea would humiliate himself to this extent. Izaya wouldn't write something like this; even if he wanted to mess with him a lot more than usual, Shizuo was damn sure the flea's ego wouldn't allow it.
"Then...is it…true...?"
He stared at the letter as if it just grew several eyes and legs like some bizarre alien.
He put the letter on the bottom of the thin pile of papers to take a look at the rest. There was a copy of Izaya's last will, where he could indeed see his own name. There was also a map with a several red dots, probably showing the location of Izaya's other apartments and some documents to them, just as the flea wrote about it. And the last one...
A list on a piece of paper that looked pretty crumpled in comparison to the others. Just from a look at it, it was quite old, because the paper was slightly yellowish and all wrinkled as if someone made a ball from it several times. The handwriting wasn't that neat yet, even though it was clearly Izaya's hand that wrote it and at some places the ink was a blur, as if damaged by some liquid and fingers tracing the words too often.
"Was Izaya crying when he read this? Just how many times...?" The thought naturally crossed Shizuo's mind and he could feel a sharp sting in his chest. It all somehow fell upon him as he slowly followed Izaya's list. There were twenty-five items, going from 25th to 1st, clearly from the simplest to the most difficult.
At the beginning was stuff what friends do - like playing videogames, watching a movie, going to school/home together, eating lunch in school together - followed by things what dating couple would do - going on a date to some famous dating spot, holding hands, sharing an ice-cream cone, stargazing... He stopped at the top five.
5. Tell Shizu-chan that I love him
4. Kiss Shizu-chan
3. Lose virginity to Shizu-chan
2. Move in with Shizu-chan
1. Stay by Shizu-chan's side for the rest of the days
Cold sweat covered Shizuo's forehead when a thick lump created in his throat and his legs refused to carry him anymore. He sat down on the bed, the world around him spinning. Minute after minute passed as he thought about everything and nothing at the same time.
Two facts were appearing in his mind again and again.
Izaya loves him. Izaya is dead.
"Why...What? How can this be happening?"
Shizuo was never so overwhelmed in his life. More than feeling anything, he felt numb. All of that was just too out of the reality, almost like a nightmare. As he browsed across the papers again, he noticed another familiar name on Izaya's will. In the place of witnesses, there was clearly written Kishitani.
Shinra's troubled expression appeared in his mind from the memories to which he didn't pay attention before and he realized the strangeness in doctor's behaviour. It all clicked in his mind all of sudden.
"He knew..." Shizuo breathed out into the eerie silence of the deceased info-broker's apartment.
Without giving it anymore thought, he rushed out of there with the papers in his hand, going to seek the answers that he needed so desperately.
Thanks for reading~ Did you wipe away at least one tear? *laughs* Let me know in a review, I'm really curious. Just saying, but Izaya is really dead, if you wonder.
Well, I'm not promising that the next chapter will be soon, but it'll come...one day~ *snickers* Stay tuned if you're up to tear up again a bit. But as far as it goes for tragedy in this story, let me assure you that I totally suck for happy endings and thus you'll get one here too.