A Cotton Candy Bingo Story
Prompt: Characters are de-aged.
Rating: PG - for a little swearing and some innuendo
"Well, all good things must end," Jack said as they approached the invisible lift.
"Still, a full week off, it must be ten years since we've managed to get a whole seven uninterrupted days to ourselves," Ianto said as they stepped onto the paving stone.
"More like fifteen, I think. If Tosh's projections hold, Gwen and Rhys will also be able to get a nice vacation out of this lull in rift activity."
The two men sighed almost simultaneously. After almost twenty years at Torchwood, it had been nice to have a break from alien catching. Though truth be told, after a few days at the beach, the urge to check in with the team had proved irresistible for Jack. The scolding he got from Tosh had almost burned his ears off. And she was right, with the addition of Rhys and Andy years ago; they did have enough staff for more extended vacations.
In those early years, time off had been pretty much been restricted to family emergencies. With everyone's children now grown, there was no reason employees couldn't take time for themselves yet there was always a reluctance to do so. Jack and Ianto were the worst; several years before Tosh had resorted to locking down the Hub to keep Jack and Ianto away for forty-eight hours.
As Jack and Ianto descended into the Hub, they immediately saw that something was wrong. The whole place was a mess. Rhys had taken on general maintenance of the Hub when he joined, and while he wasn't as fastidious as Ianto (really, who was) he would never allow the work areas to become so unkempt.
Instinctively, Jack and Ianto drew their weapons and scanned the area for intruders. The Hub was silent.
"See, we go away for a week and the place falls apart," Jack whispered.
"Not funny, it looks like the place has been ransacked."
The two men moved silently through the main area taking in spilled cups of liquid and half eaten plates of food, lots and lots of paper with doodles and stick-figure drawings, as well as numerous toys.
"Alien children?" Ianto wondered as he picked up a naked Barbie doll with a scalpel stuck in its back.
"Psychotic alien children?" Jack answered as he examined the doll closely.
Suddenly, a storm of little feet clattered up the stairs from the archives.
"You're a bunch of wankers," a skinny boy about four or five years old shouted as he ran by Jack and Ianto. He was followed directly by a red-haired little boy and a dark haired girl with half her head of long dark hair cut short. "I'm going to kill you, you poopy-pants," the girl shrieked as she chased him up to the second level.
The second boy stopped in front of Jack and Ianto. "Owens a prat, I'm going to beat him up," he said before taking off after the others.
Behind them, trudging up the stairs slowly, were Gwen and Rhys.
"Thank goodness you're here!" Gwen said walking over to Ianto and Jack.
"I'm too old for this shite," Rhys said coming up behind her, trying to catch his breath.
"Let me guess," Ianto snarked, "Owen, Tosh and Andy somehow became de-aged and you've been left to babysit."
"Worse than that," Rhys gasped, "we have the devil's spawn himself turned into a child as well. And we have no idea where the hell he is."
As if on cue, a loud bellow came from the highest level of the Hub.
"Ayeeeeeeeeee, you tossers, I've got a prisoner!"
Up in Myfanwy's aerie, a pouting dark haired boy was attempting to tie the pteranodon up with several jump ropes. Myfanwy was not amused. She pulled the ropes off as fast as they were wound around her, but when the boy slapped her with them she picked him up and tossed him over the rail.
Rhys and Gwen watched in horror as the child hurtled through the air. Fortunately, Ianto knew Myfanwy well enough to anticipate her behavior and deftly caught the child.
"You should never tease animals, it's very naughty," he scolded.
"Well, if I'd known this was the way to get into your arms, Eye-Candy, I would have tried it sooner."
Ianto dumped the boy on the floor. "How the hell did he get mixed up in this?" Ianto asked angrily.
"Mixed up? He's the bloody instigator," Gwen said as she grabbed little Captain John by the ear.
"Ow, let me go! It's not my fault. Andy's the one who opened the box!"
Another clattering of feet brought Andy to join them on the main level of the Hub.
"He dared me to," Andy said pointing at Captain John. "He said I wasn't smart enough to figure the puzzle box out, but I was," Andy said and then stuck his tongue out at John.
"Hey, I could show you some cool stuff you can do with your tongue," John offered.
"You're trying to trick me again," Andy said warily.
"Scouts honor, I won't – but I bet you'll love it," he purred. With a quick turn, John broke free of Gwen, grabbed Andy by the hand and pulled him along as they ran toward the stairs to the archives.
Jack and Ianto started laughing but Rhys was not amused. "Oi! Just wait until Captain Evil bites off Andy's tongue, then we'll see who's laughing."
"Well, it won't be Andy, that's for sure," Ianto said snickering.
"That's it!" Gwen thundered. "We're going home. Let's see how you enjoy taking care of four hellions."
Jack realized that perhaps they had pushed Gwen and Rhys a little too far. "Oh come on Gwen, it's funny to see them as children; we're not making sport of you."
"Yeah, well after twenty hours of this, I'm exhausted. But I'm sure you'll be just fine." She stormed over to her desk, grabbed her purse, scooped up the contents of said purse that had been dumped on the floor and motioned to Rhys to follow her as she headed toward the cog door.
"Someone ate half my lipstick. My brand new Chanel lipstick," Gwen said with disgust as the door rolled open. "I hope they get sick from it."
"That reminds me…" Rhys said turning back toward Jack and Ianto, "Thought I should mention that Owen may be four years old, but he apparently isn't reliably toilet trained." Gwen and Rhys burst out laughing as the door rolled shut behind them.
Jack and Ianto stared at each other in horror. "I hope there are some nappies around," Ianto said as he began to search the teams' work areas.
"You're the maintenance expert, so I'll just leave you to it," Jack said trying to back away toward his office.
"Oh no you don't," Ianto said grabbing Jack's braces, "you're in this with me."
More shrieking was heard from the second level. "Get off of me!"
"Make me!"
"Ow, she hit meeeeeee!" little Owen wailed.
"Get down here right now, you two," Jack said in his serious 'captain' voice. "Right now or some naughty children are going to be spending the rest of day in their rooms."
Ianto had to admit that Jack in full parent-mode was very impressive.
Little Tosh and Owen slowly walked down the stairs from the second level their eyes lowered in embarrassment. Jack watched them sternly with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Who made this mess," he shouted. The children looked at him in fear. "I'm asking who made this mess." Tosh and then Owen began to cry.
"It's not my fault," Tosh wailed. Owen didn't speak but just sobbed and sobbed.
Ianto reckoned he was going to have to play 'good copper' to Jack's 'bad copper.'
"Now, now, everyone calm down. Tell Uncle Ianto what happened."
Tosh looked at Ianto with her brown eyes full of tears. "Captain John showed up and he had a box and he said it was a puzzle, and I wanted to solve it, and I knew I could solve it, but Andy grabbed it first, and then he moved some pieces around, and then a light came out, and Captain John said, 'woah' and then we all ended up like this."
"Is that right?" Jack asked Owen.
Owen nodded and began to suck his thumb.
"And then Rhys went home and brought back toys, but they were boring. I hate dolls," Tosh continued. "And then Owen decided to perform an autopsy on Barbie, but it didn't go too well. I could have done a better job but Owen said I had to be the nurse and that's not fair because I am a fully qualified doctor and I'm smarter than him and I'm…"
"Ok, I think we've got the idea," Jack interrupted. "What happened to your hair?"
Tosh gave Owen a look of pure hatred. "He cut it. He said he would make me look beautiful and look what he's done," she said as she started to cry again.
Ianto knelt down and put his arms around little Tosh. "There, there, it's just hair. It will grow again."
Jack glared at Owen. "And what do you have to say for yourself, young man."
Owen sniffed as tears ran down his cheeks. "I poopied my pants," he said throwing his arms around Jack's legs.
"Well I'll just let you handle this," Ianto said, "while I deal with our over-sexed boys downstairs." He headed off to the archives relieved to get away from Owen.
"What's sex?" Tosh asked Jack brightly.
"It's like when we were playing doctor before," Owen said.
"Uh, let's go find you some nappies, Mr. Stinky," Jack interrupted.
"Mr. Stinky, that's funny," Tosh said laughing.
"It's not funny," an indignant little Owen retorted. "Makes me sorry that I didn't cut off all your hair."
Owen's remarks reminded Tosh about her hair and she began to cry as well.
"Oh goddess, it's going to be a long day," Jack thought despondently.
Fortunately, it was just the remainder of the day, and by the next morning everyone was back to normal. Well almost.
Tosh had to go have her hair cut short and Jack made Owen pay for her visit to the Ken Picton Salon. The short layered cut was very flattering, but Owen was not pleased.
"Eighty-five" quid for a haircut!" Own gasped when he was presented with the bill. "Oi, and what's this with the massage, spa pedicure and manicure. That's over two hundred pounds total!"
"I was very stressed from the trauma of you killing Barbie," Tosh replied.
Jack smiled. "I think you got off cheap, Mr. Poopy-head," he told Owen. Owen opened his mouth to retort and then decided it was better to pay Tosh's tab than to have to endure being called names for the next month.
Gwen and Rhys got their week off and went to Capri, courtesy of Captain John. By John's standards the week cost less than a good meal and a pleasure bott on Vegas Nine, so he was only too happy to pay. He also had to clean Myfanwy's nest ("smelled worse than Owen's pants" he declared) before his vortex manipulator was returned and he was sent packing with a stern warning that they wouldn't be so tolerant the next time around.
Andy walked around with a dreamy look on his face for weeks. He wanted so badly to be with Jack and Ianto that they finally allowed him to play naked hide and seek with them. Andy felt so proud that they never found him until he realized that they never even looked for him. He consoled himself by talking to Myfanwy who always had a sympathetic squawk for him.
"Captain John showed me lots of interesting things, and I've got no one to share them with," he sulked.
"Squawk, squawk." (Sorry, but three's a crowd when you're playing naked hide and seek).
"You're the only one I can talk to, Myfanwy."
"Pter, Pter, Squawk!" (There, there, you loser).
"I love you Myfanwy."
"Squawk, squawk!" (Lucky me).
Down in Jack's bunker, Jack lay spooned against Ianto's back.
"I think Andy's got a crush on Myfanwy," Ianto said.
"Don't think the feeling is mutual," Jack replied. "Which is a good thing, because I can't see a romance between them working out."
"I'm finding this conversation a little perturbing," Ianto replied.
"You mean pterbing, don't you?" Jack snarked.
"I can't believe you said that."
"Hey, did you know why you can't hear a pteranodon go to the bathroom?"
"Goodnight, Jack."
"You're no fun at all. Bet you don't know the answer."
"Jack, I know the answer, but I'm tired. Please go to sleep."
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not."
"Jack, stop it," Ianto hissed.
"No fun at all," Jack mumbled. ….
…"cause the pee is silent," Jack whispered.
"Jack I'm tired."
"Come on, that's really funny."
"Hilarious, are you happy now?"
"So why did the brontosaurus cross the road?"
"To kill Captain Jack," Ianto growled.
"OK, looks like fun time is over," Jack thought.
"Uh, yeah, how did you know that?"
"I'm Ianto Jones and I know everything."
"Goodnight Ianto."
"Goodnight Jack."
"Love you," Jack thought.
Ianto smiled. "Love you more."