1Mandates and Modern English-Binding Forces

by ArcherFlameConstantine

Disclaimer: I own my computer, my storyline, and my hair color. NOT the Harry Potter characters or settings, although I HAVE bid for them on eBay.

Chapter One- Compatibility Test and Their Heinous Results

"...and following your compatibility quizzes, you will be paired according to your results. Or the humiliation factor to suit my sadistic whims," Professor Snape, who was now the teacher of not only Potions but a new class called Life Studies, finished grandly. "This may be another one of the Headmaster's brilliant plans for inter-house unity, but it will be fun... for me, of course, not for you."

Hermione Granger raised her hand. Excuse me, but where does unity fit into this madness?"

Snape replied, "Oh, didn't I mention it? In the three months in which you will temporarily 'married' to a classmate, it will be to someone of the rival house, which means Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors and Slytherins," he grinned evilly.

I swear he's gotten meaner over the summer, thought Hermione. Probably just angry his boyfriend Voldermort is dead. She snickered.

Ron heard and elbowed her. "What's so funny? Sounds bloody awful to me!" This caused Hermione to laugh even harder and louder.

"Miss Granger, I'm not sure what is so hilarious, but if you can't control yourself, please, take your homework and leave my class," commanded Professor Snape coldly, obviously miffed that no one had started crying by the\n!

Trying and failing to control giggles, Hermione took the parchment Snape was holding out and left. Everyone was completely floored except for Harry and Ron. They'd noticed how different Hermione had been since Voldermort's defeat; she had more confidence and was less cautious. Not that they minded at all!

"Now, does anyone else want to leave!" Snape demanded angrily. Harry and Ron promptly raised their hands; upon receiving a stern glare, they lowered them.

When Hermione reached her Head Girl dorm, she plopped down on the sofa in her sitting room and scanned the homework, the aforementioned compatibility test. She laughed drily; she loved dear old Dumbledore, but this whole project was a joke! They were supposed to "marry" a classmate for three months, be assigned magically-generated children, and do the whole simulated-family thing. And she'd hoped only muggle schools did that sort of project. Also, Professor Snape now, in addition to Potions, taught the parenting class that went along with the project, along with Professor McGonagal every other day.

She sighed as she looked over the questions on the test. Then, she thought, " Hmm, tis could be fun!" Hermione grabbed her quill and began answering the questions:

"1. What are your favorite colors?" That was easy enough. She wrote, "Red, black and green."

"2. What kind of weather do you prefer?" She had to think a moment before scribbling down, "Cold and gray, just before a storm."

The questions continued in this fashion, from " 5. What is your favorite animal?" ( a hawk) to " 21. How many serious relationships have you been in?" (Five).

Finally, she reached the last question. She grinned as she read " 32. If your ideal relationship could be summarized in a song, what would it be?" Her grin widened as she as she did not hesitate to write "I Melt With You" by Modern English. It was one of the only sappy muggle songs that she liked, and it had a double benefit that no one would recognize it. "Rock on," she thought with humor.

The next day, when they all handed in their quizzes, the professor announced that the results would be posted in the Entrance Hall after dinner. Everyone then proceed to worry about the outcomes for the rest of the day. When the dreaded event (a.k.a. dinner) finally dawned, even Harry and Ron found themselves without appetites. And that was saying something! They kept going over the list of girls that they didn't want to be partnered with.

"Of course, there's Pansy Parkinson," Harry noted.

"And don't forget Millicent Bulstrode!" Ron insisted. The both nodded sepulchrally.

"Oh do be serious! Do you really think that if you point out who you don't want to be partnered with, you actually won't?" their practical female friend demanded. She didn't understand how they could be so crude as to voice their bad opinions of girls in front of God and everyone, not to mention the fact that they were in a public place where anyone might hear and take offence! "You two are invariably the most insensitive prats I've ever had the displeasure of calling friends!"

"Oh, well said!" applauded someone behind them. They turned to see who the voice belonged to, but somehow, they felt they already knew.

"Thank you," Hermione replied with false civility. " Now would you please sod off, Malfoy!"

" Do control your language, Granger!" he sneered.

"Sage wisdom!" she mocked. "Now, sod off, would you?"

"Fine, but I'll leave you lot with another bit of 'sagacity'," he aid. "Go check the quiz results by the doors in t he Entrance Hall. I guarantee that it will just about ruin your day. All of yours." And with that, he departed from their company at last.

As soon as Malfoy'd walked away, the Golden Trio jumped from their seats and ran to the Entrance Hall. Just beside the doors was a list affixed to the wall. They skidded to a halt in front of it.

Hermione crumpled under the anticipation. "I can't look!" she said. "You two look and tell me what it says!"

The boys, thankfully, had no such qualms about looking. Hermione soon heard a double gasp from them. "What?" she asked. "Is it bad?"

They nodded assent.

"Who'd you get?"

Harry said, "Ron got Pansy."

Hermione patted Ron's shoulder sympathetically. "Who'd you end up with, Harry?"

"Blaise Zabini."

"Oh! I never knew Blaise was a girl!" she said compassionately.

"Do I want to know who I got paired with?"

"No," said Ron, who, until then, had been silent. "You really don't."

Harry checked the list. "Well, Malfoy was right, much as I hate to admit it. This did ruin my day," he said bitterly.

Since the boys were obviously too dumbstruck to say any more, Hermione scanned the list for her name. She could feel the apprehension like a copper penny under her tongue. She grit her teeth, swallowed the metaphorical penny, and found her results: there were five little vertical columns on the list- name, personality type, partner, their personality type (the types usually matched, she saw), and a note from the professor. Her entry read:

Hermione Granger--misanthropic cynic--Draco Malfoy--misanthropic cynic--Have fun...-Snape

She turned around, shocked, only to find that Harry and Ron had left to afford her some semblance of dignity. The only thought in her mind was, " 'Have fun...'!" What was that supposed to mean! And Malfoy? Malfoy! Surely he wasn't the only misanthropic cynic in their year! And he'd obviously known when he's spoken to them; why hadn't he said anything! "That evil freaking-," her ranting thoughts were cut off by the sound of students pouring into the Entrance Hall from dinner.

She waited for the crowd to pool out, and when they had, she dissolved into the group and became all but invisible. Instead of following her house-mates to Gryffindor Tower, she fell in with the Slytherins and headed towards the dungeons. More specifically, towards a certain teacher's office.

When they passed the door to Snape's office, she quietly slipped out of the group and into the room. She wasn't surprised to see Snape sitting behind his desk with an assortment of test papers strewn out in front of him. She was surprised, however, to see that he was already in the company of another student. Her eyes narrowed. Malfoy. Trying to decide what to do next she simply stood n the doorway like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck. Not that anyone at Hogwarts know what that meant.

Snape's eyes lit with something that could be called sadistic glee if he were capable of anything remotely like glee. "Wonderful. Are you

here to- oh, what was the phrase- yes, 'contest your horrific results' as well?" he asked, fully employing air quotes.

She shot an evil look at Malfoy and said, "Darn straight.: This was obviously exactly what Snape's wanted to hear, because that evil, psychotic lunatic masquerading as a professor just smiled slowly, not quite like the cat that caught the canary, but more like the cat who was stalking his prey, while the poor unsuspecting canary just whistled and ate its gross seed-y things. And all they could do was wait until he deigned to tell them whatever the big secret was. God, it was torture! Finally, he decided to reveal whatever cloak-and-dagger ace he'd had up his sleeve. Without a word, he pulled two test papers out of his desk. Thy might've thought they were retaking the quiz had they not already been filled out. The stupid, smiling, snake of a man folded back the part of the paper where the students had written his or her name and placed the papers in front of them.

"You want to know why I put you tow enemies in a group together? Look at theses. Without reading the names, tell me which paper belongs to whom, please."

Each student picked up a random paper and read over it. Each assumed that the one he or she were holding was his or her own, due to the fact that the answers exactly matched the answers he or she had written down, although each also thought that there was something different about the penmanship. Hermione thought she remembered hers to be less bold, and Malfoy his to be less fine, but it was disregarded.

Hermione spoke first, saying, "Sir, I think this one's mine."

"You do, do you?" Snape intoned. "Granger, Malfoy, swap."

With many dark looks, they exchanged papers. Seeing the paper in her hand, Hermione gasped/ It had the exact same answers as the one before. The only difference was that there was no question as to whose handwriting was whose. Both Hermione and Malfoy simply stood there, shell shocked..

"You want to know why I deemed two perfect opposites compatible? Well, there's your answer. It wasn't to humiliate you. Your quizzes matched. You matched. Carbon copy. Now, if you please, get out.

They just stood there looking horrified. Snape looked almost bemused. With a flick of his wand, he sent them flying out the door. He looked quite pleased.