*Warning - mild character bashing of pretty much everyone
**Disclaimer and other credits listed at the end
Once upon a time in a land far away, where card games and Ejipshun lazor beemz dominated the lives of the innocent, there lived a little dandy named Yugi Mutou. One day little Yugi decided to host a tea party for all his plushies and slutty little friends, but realized he had run out of his best friend Atem's favorite treat, chocolate covered slave liver. In order to buy some, he had to call up some black market slave organ dealers.
Later that night, he went to the dark alley where the dealer had told him to meet. After the transaction had been completed, Yugi skipped down the alley fantasizing about being Atem's little wife, wearing a pink frilly apron and cooking for him his favorite treat after he gets home from a long day of mind crushing. Lost in is reverie and completely unaware of what was going on around him, he tripped over an unknown object and landed flat on his face. He looked around to find what had tripped him when he saw the most horrifyingly creepy bug-eyed alien faced nerdy Mc nerd-nerd he had ever seen in his life. Weevil Underwood was looking down at him like a predator with a thirst for revenge… and relations of the butt variety. Yugi's eyes filled with fear and his screams echoed through the dark empty streets of the weird Ejipshun ghetto that is inexplicably located in Japan.
The next morning Yugi finally arrived home, his clothes ripped and dirty and his eyeliner running down his cheeks from his tears. He sat down on his bed and pulled out his Dark Magician card.
"Please Dark Magician, if you can hear me, help me. I think I'm pregnant, and with Weevils child! I don't want to bring such an abomination into this world… If I am to have a child someday, I want it to be Atem's! I don't want this!" He began to sob heavily in to his hands.
"Dude! Watch the robe!" he heard a voice call out. He looked up and saw the Dark Magician floating in front of him.
"Dark Magician, is that really you?"
"Of course it is, stupid! Who'd you think it was?"
"Um…not a monster from another dimension using a children's playing card as a portal to the world of humans. I guess I was wrong…"
"Damn straight! So what's your problem? You look like more of a wimp than usual."
"Oh… I was raped last night and am afraid I might be pregnant." Yugi said while looking at the floor, ashamed of how carelessly he left his hind quarters unprotected.
"So what you need is an abortion? I can to that!" The Dark Magician said with a smile. "I used to perform abortions on the local Ejipshun prostitutes and village whores all the time back in the day!"
"That's great!" Yugi said with a smile.
"Just stand back."
"Like this?"
"Back further."
"How about now?"
"A little more to the left… that's good. Okay, Black Magic Attack!!!" The Dark Magician shot his powerful spell right at Yugi's man-uterus. It wasn't until after rolling down the carpet covered jagged mountain of death that Yugi realized the Dark Magician had told him to stand just above the stairs.
"Did it work?" Yugi asked as he wiped the blood from a cut he got on his lip as a result of being knocked down the stairs by a spell caster from another dimension.
"Of course it did! What do you take me for?" Dark Magician replied as he returned to his home inside the Duel Monster card. After a few seconds of taking in what had just happened, Yugi limped back up the stairs to take a shower. He sat with his arms wrapped around his knees as the hot water made his usually ridiculous hair flat and soggy.
"Oh, no! Yugi, how could you let this happen!?" Yugi heard a deep bellowing voice say as the transparent figure of the Pharaoh appeared in the doorway.
"Err, Atem, could you come back later. I'm kind of taking a shower." Yugi said blushing and shyly trying to cover himself even though secretly he wanted Atem to join him.
"Uh, no! How dare that bastard Weevil lay a finger on you! I'm going to make him pay!"
"H-how did you know about that?"
"We share a mind; I just read your thoughts." Atem said with a hint of sympathy in his voice. "I think it's time for me to take over and show that little dung beetle poo poo face what happens to people who mess with my slave host body! Er… I mean best friend!"
"Wait, I-" Yugi was cut off mid sentence as Atem took over his body and proceeded to search out and punish Weevil. It wasn't until he walked passed a floor length mirror that he realized he was naked and dripping wet. He stood there for a second looking confused, then winked at himself thinking, "Damn, even without a tan I've still got it!"`
Atem hurriedly dried himself off, got dressed, and restored his hair to all its ridiculously spiky tri-colored glory before running out the door to track down Weevil. He searched all the places that nerdy kids hang out; the comic book store, the trading card store, the arcade, an anime convention, the basements of the moms of grown men who play dungeons and dragons, but to no avail. Now desperate, he went to the natural science museum. He found Weevil in the gift shop buying fake dinosaur fossils for his secret crush, Rex Raptor. Atem decided to follow him secretly until he could get him alone, then he would strike. After hitting about every single place Atem had searched for Weevil earlier that day, Weevil was finally heading home. By this time it had gotten dark which made it much easier for the Pharaoh to also be a ninja. Ironically they were back in the alley where Yugi's derriere had originally been defiled. While Weevil was walking, probably lost in his memories of the previous events that had taken place in the ally, his grip on the bag containing the dinosaur fossils loosened and he dropped it. It was when he bent over to pick it up is that Atem decided to make his move. Before he knew what had happened, Weevil was slammed up against the brick wall of one of the buildings lining the alley. He saw a glimpse of what he thought was that all too recognizable ridiculous tri-colored hair.
"Y-Yugi?" Weevil grumbled.
"Guess again, bitch!" Atem yelled as he proceeded to violate him in the fashion of prison inmates.
"But how could you be anyone else? Who else would have hair like tha-AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
The next morning Yugi awoke in his bed, sore and confused. The spirit of the Pharaoh appeared in the chair at his desk. "What happened yesterday? I feel awful!"
"You got raped remember? Also you fainted in the shower. Don't worry, I took care of you." Normally Yugi would have the common sense to know that Atem was lying, but the thought of being dressed by him turned Yugi into a blushing, gullible little girl.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you blushing!?"
"Huh? No I'm not!"
"YUUUUUUGIII!!! WTF DID YOU DO!!!!???" Yugi's grandpa yelled at him up the stairs.
"I DONNO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME YOU OLD COOT!!!!" Yugi yelled back.
"Get your microscopic little booty down here right now!" Yugi went down stairs to see why his grandpa was having some sort of old person seizure psychotic breakdown.
"What's your problem, old man!?"
"Look at the TV!"
"So it's my fault Billy Mayes is trying to sell you mighty putty?"
"Wait for the news to come back on! ...Just wait till you see what you did. I should pound your ass!"
"Sorry I have to be the bearer of bad news, but Weevil already beat you too it!" Atem said as he began to laugh hysterically.
"Shut up Atem!" Yugi yelled.
"Who the Hell is Atem?" asked grandpa. "I suppose you could always plead insanity."
"Shocking footage has been given to us by an anonymous witness to another rape in the Ejipshun-Japanese Ghetto. The rapist has been identified as Yugi Mutou, the local Duel Monsters Champion and holder of the title King of Games. The victim appears to be former regional champion Weevil Underwood. We have yet to apprehend the suspect, but with proof like this, there won't be much of a trial." "You said it Diane, this is why we need to convince the voters to raise taxes. If we can improve the conditions blah blah blah……" Yugi stared at the TV in a stupor, then he looked at Atem, who was laying on the floor holding his stomach from the pain of his vehement laughter, then back at the TV, then at Atem again.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Yugi was cut off by an Ejiptonese Police officer punching him in the face and knocking him out.
Yugi awoke shivering from the cold to the smell of dry rotted bedding and man sweat.
"Ugh, where am I?"
"You're in prison for rape and breaking and entering!" Yugi looked for where the voice was coming from and saw the Pharaoh standing over him with a smirk on his face.
"What? I knew you raped him, but breaking and entering too?"
"Yeaaah. As it turns out, picking the locks to old lady's basements to search for nerdy men playing dungeons and dragons is illegal."
"Why the hell were you doing that!?"
"I was looking for Weevil! What do you think!?"
"On that note, WHY THE HELL DID YOU RAPE WEEVIL!?"
"I was TRYING to avenge you! Holy Ra you're ungrateful!!!"
"Well by putting me in prison, you've basically multiplied me getting raped by 1000!"
"How so?"
"This is PRISON!!! In here effeminate little boys like me get raped everyday by smelly, hairy, muscular and terrifyingly well endowed prison inmates YOU IDEOT!!!"
"Oh, yeah… I didn't think of that…" Yugi gave Atem a look expressing his amazement at how stupid he is before swiftly hitting himself in the face with the palm of his hand.
"You don't think I'm actually going to let someone as precious as you stay in a place like this, do you?" Atem said with a genuinely sweet smile.
"Huh?" Yugi suddenly started blushing and acting shy at the thought of being precious to Atem. Fishing for forgiveness, Atem leaned in close to Yugi so he could kiss him on the cheek. Upon realizing this Yugi got angry again and smacked Atem across the face.
"What the- What was that for!? I thought you would want me to kiss you!" Yugi blushed. "Not here! You want our first kiss to be in prison!? I thought I was precious to you, but I guess that was a lie!" Yugi said, angry and crying at the same time. He was acting like an over emotional little girl again.
"So, are you going to help me get us out of here or are you going to continue to pout like a child?"
"I'M POUTING!!!!" Yugi said as he stationed himself in a corner of the cell, preparing to go into "Ignore Atem" mode. Atem decided it was time he took matters into his own hands. He took over Yugi's body again and walked up to the bars of the prison cell. He stared at them intently for fifteen seconds or so before his eyes turned red the metal from the bars melted in to a red-hot, boiling puddle on the ground.
"Haha! My Ejipshun Lazor Beemz are back in business!" Atem began walking toward the exit of the prison, melting anyone and anything that got in his way. All was going as planned until he saw the terrifying silhouette of a fast food cup with a bendy straw spouting from the top.
"Milkshake…My old nemesis!"
"We meet again Pharaoh! I have a score to settle with you! I challenge you to a duel!"
"Oh, no!" said Atem, his voice trembling from horror.
"When you sent me to milkshake prison, I bet you never expected to wind up there yourself!"
"Please, let me go! I beg you!"
"If you win, you're free to leave."
"…and if I lose?"
"You'll just have to hope that doesn't happen," Milkshake said with a wicked smile. He then made his first move, laying a monster card in attack mode face down and another face down magic or trap card. Terrified by the thoughts of what Milkshake might have in store for him if he lost, Atem chose his first card with extreme care.
"For my first turn, I summon Dark Magician."
"Did you just summon a level seven monster without sacrificing any lower level monsters? That's against the rules!"
"Screw the rules, I have Ejipshun Lazor Beemz!!" Atem screamed as Dark Magician used his Black Magic Attack to give Milkshake an unnecessary abortion. Atem jumped over Milkshake and ran as fast as he could to the safe haven that is grandpa's game shop and never looked back.
Several months later, Yugi went to the hospital to visit Weevil after he had given birth to Atem's rape baby. Weevil wasn't lucky enough to have a Duel Monster card that was educated in how to perform abortions. Yugi and all his friends gathered around Weevil and his new baby.
"Can I hold him?" Yugi asked.
"Well, I guess he is half yours," Weevil replied while handing Yugi the baby. He had big panda eye's and unmanageable hair just like Yugi, but his grey eyes and minty hair were the color of Weevil's.
"What is his name?" Yugi asked.
"I think I'm going to call him Syrus."
"I like Wugi better."
"Well when you feel like going through a pregnancy, you can name the resulting baby whatever you want!"
"…I'm still going to call him Wugi," Yugi muttered to himself. They heard a knock on the door.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I was finishing up with a client but afterwards the bastard decided not to pay me. Next time I'm getting the money up front!" Téa said through the door.
"Sorry Téa, but if I'm going to be family oriented and start raising a child, I can't be seen hanging out with cheap prostitutes like you anymore." Yugi replied.
"What the – But Mai is in there!"
"Yeah, but she's one of the classy expensive prostitutes. Sorry!"
"Yugi, you bastard!" Téa yelled through the door as the hospital security escorted her out. After a long discussion, Yugi, Atem and Weevil decided to raise the child together; Weevil would get him on weekdays and Yugi and Atem would get him on the weekends. They decided to spend the holidays together as a family.
Many years later, Syrus/Wugi got accepted to attend the newly formed Duel Academy. The family had dinner together to celebrate his first week attending this somehow actually accredited school.
"Syrus, don't slouch!" Weevil urged Syrus who was slouched down in a chair at the table waiting for his dads to finish cooking.
"Don't yell at my little Wugi, he can slouch if he wants. It's not like he's some kind of pageant pony!" Yugi retorted while fussily fixing Syrus' hair.
"I just think he should always be aware of what he's doing and have good manners. You never know when he might meet someone important."
"What do you mean someone important?" asked Syrus.
"I too want to know!" Atem said as he poked his head out of the kitchen, once again fulfilling his role as overprotective father.
"I don't know…a teacher, an employer, a friend…a boyfriend." Weevil said in a super creepy sing-song voice.
"I think not! Wugi is far too young to even be thinking about that!" Atem was quick to reply.
"How many times do I have to tell you, I LIKE GIRLS!... Actually, I forgot to mention I invited a new friend over for dinner if that's okay." Syrus said with a pleading smile.
"That's great! I can't wait to meet you new friend." Yugi replied with enthusiasm. "When should we be expecting him?"
"Sometime in the next half hour probably."
"Well then we better finish up in the kitchen! Atem, get back here and Weevil, start setting the table."
"I'm only doing what you say so that Syrus will have a nice dinner you pointy haired goat!" Weevil grumbled to himself as he brought out the last of the food. After Weevil left the room, Atem smiled slyly at Yugi who was standing on his tippy toes trying to push the last of the extra plates back into the cabinet. He swooned admiring Yugi's slender legs, girlish blushing cheeks and pretty pink apron.
"…What?" Yugi asked Atem. "Is there something on my face?"
"No, but there's going to be."
"Wait…what?" A large crash came from the kitchen and Weevil and Syrus looked to see what it was. Weevil got there first, and what he saw was going to haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life. To prevent Syrus from suffering the same fate, he hurriedly blocked the doorway to the kitchen, keeping Yugi and Atem out of view.
"Move dad! My other dads might be in trouble! What if they're hurt!?"
"Oh, they're in trouble alright!"
"Well then move so I can help them!" Syrus replied angrily. Weevil hastily grabbed a frying pan out of the kitchen and used it to block Syrus just as he was preparing to charge past Weevil. Syrus ran his head so hard into the pan that he passed out and fell backward on to the floor with a loud thud.
"What was that?" Atem asked poking his head through the doorway.
"Ding Dong" The doorbell rang.
"That must be Syrus' friend from school." Weevil said in a weird excited whisper.
"Uh, why is Wugi passed out on the floor?" Yugi asked.
"Well maybe if you and Atem weren't so busy doing the nasty Ejipshun hokey pokey, you'd know what was going on around you! Did you realize that your son was in the other room? If I hadn't knocked him out with that frying pan he would have seen you!" Weevil said all hot and bothered.
"What!? You did this to Wugi? That's it! I'm calling child services on you!" Yugi yelled at Weevil.
"In this situation you actually have the Kuriboh's to call ME a bad parent!?"
"DING DONG" The doorbell rang.
"Now go clean yourselves up, I'm going to go welcome our guest like a GOOD host!" Weevil sneered as he went to answer the door. Yugi hung his apron on a hook in the kitchen, brushed the wrinkles out of his clothes and began fixing his hair while Atem did the same.
"Oh crap, we forgot about Wugi!" Atem exclaimed as he ran to Syrus' side and tried to wake him up.
"I've got a glass of cold water for him!" Yugi shouted as he came running through the kitchen and slipped and fell on an unknown questionable substance. The glass of water landed directly on Syrus' head, shattering the glass and soaking him in freezing water.
"Ah! What's going on? Is everyone okay!?" Syrus asked after waking with a jolt.
"Everything's fine. Silly daddy Yugi just slipped and dropped a glass of cold water on your head, but its okay now." Atem told Syrus.
"Yeah right! It's your fault I fell!" Yugi grumbled under his breath as he helped Syrus to his feet. Weevil walked in accompanied by a lanky red headed kid with oddly cat-like eyes and an obnoxiously uppity attitude. Wugi stood beside him and introduced him to his dads.
"Daddy Yugi, Father Atem, Papa Weevil… I'd like you all to meet my new friend Jaden!"
"What's up everyone! It's totally awesome to meet yoo!" Jaden said in an irritatingly overconfident voice.
"Uhh…Hi." Atem replied.
"So Syrus told me that you like to duel. I like to duel. Do you want to duel?" Jaden asked.
"Actually, we were just about so sit down to dinner." Yugi replied.
"Yes, that." Atem agreed with Yugi.
"What? Are you afraid I'll throw down your face down?" Jaden said teasingly.
"What does that even mean?" Atem asked irritated.
"I'm gonna get my game on!"
"Sorry, I don't speak faggot."
"Atem! That's a terrible thing to say!" Yugi retorted.
"What? Didn't you see that episode of South Park? The definition of faggot was changed to refer to obnoxious Harley riders." Atem explained.
"I bet he doesn't even ride a motorcycle! Do you ride a motorcycle Jaden?" Yugi asked.
"Not yet, but I am bike-curious!" Jaden said with a weird cat smile.
"See! See! I told you! Pretty soon the game of Duel Monsters is going to be taken over by a bunch of Harley riding faggots! It's because of people like him that no one takes Duel Monsters seriously anymore!" Atem went on in a rage. Jaden pulled a white glove from his pocket and slapped Atem across the face with it.
"I challenge you to a duel!" Jaden yelled at Atem angrily. Atem just stared at him and everyone else in the room went silent. His gaze, full of anger and hatred burned through to the core of Jaden's soul. It burned with such ferocity, yet was as cold as frozen carbon dioxide. The silence in the room seemed to have lasted for an eternity. Finally, Atem stood up straight, took a deep breath, and yelled out loud,
"IM'MA FIRIN' MA LAZOOOOOOOOR!!! BLAAARG!!!" A huge powerful laser bust out of Atem's mouth and burnt Jaden to a blackened crisp. After it was finished, Atem hunched over and was sweating and panting heavily. The remains of Jaden crumbled to the floor leaving a pile of annoyingly overconfident ashes.
"DAA~D! Why'd you laser another one of my friends to death!? Because of you I have no friends! I'm just like Mokuba!"
"I'm sorry Wugi, he was just soooo annoying! You would have done the job yourself by the end of the week anyway!"
"Ding Dong" the doorbell rang again.
"Who could that be? We aren't expecting anyone else." Weevil asked aloud.
"I donno, I'll go see who it is." Syrus replied as he walked up to the door. Standing there was a creepy, yet very feminine ejipshun man with blond hair and lots of eyeliner.
"Greetings from the underworld binky boy, my name is Marik Ishtar. What can I do to get you to change your name to Steve?" He asked Syrus in a whiney and slightly effeminate tone of voice. Syrus looked at him for a moment and said,
"No!" and then slammed the door on the strange Marik fellow. Just as he was walking toward the table to finally fill his rumbly tummy tum with lots of yummies he heard another knock on the door. Rolling his eyes he turned to the door again and opened it to see who this time was there.
"Who is it now?" he asked with a sigh. Standing in the door way was a six foot tall man with pointy brown hair and an ego so big that he couldn't possibly hope to fit through the door.
"Money the rules, I have screws!" he shouted at Syrus.
"What?" Syrus thought the man might actually be insane. The man held out his hand and it was full on screws.
"Hello little boy, my name is Seto Kaiba. My little brother Mokuba needs a new dresser. I'd build it myself, but I'm too obscenely rich! Take these screws and build it for me!"
"What motivation do I have that gives you the idea that I might actually agree to your ridiculous request?" Syrus said while leaning on the side of the doorway and looking at Kaiba like he had probably been dropped on his head when he was a baby by an orphanage nun. He could tell Kaiba was adopted because he surely killed his mother. Anyone who had to birth a baby with such a huge ego would be lucky to survive.
"Well, I am Seto Kaiba. That in itself gives me the right to pretty much do whatever I want. How about if I have my servants kill you with invisible guns if you don't do it? Is that motivational enough for you?"
"Go away!"
"How dare you say that to me?! What insolence! Have at you! En garde!" Kaiba fabricated a rapier out of thin air and began swinging it at Syrus. Syrus just backed up into the house. Kaiba tried to follow but his ego got stuck in the doorway. He squirmed around like a fish on land trying to break free of his strange doorway prison. Syrus slammed the door causing Kaiba and his ego to pop out of the doorway and land on his butt at the front steps. The Mutou's and Underwoods were finally able to sit down to dinner, and they all lived happily ever after… That is until the trend of dueling on motorcycles caused the universe to implode.
The End!
References:
LittleKuriboh's Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged series
1) Atem's ability to mind crush
2) Referring to Duel Monsters as a children's card game
3) Referring to Yugi's hair as "ridiculous"
3) Atem raping Weevil (see video "Yami's big what?")
4) Milkshake Prison
5) Ejipshun Lazor Beemz
6) Yami/Atem saying "I'm Pouting!" (Although I made Yugi say it)
7) Variations of Seto Kaiba's famous quote "Screw the rules, I have money!"
8) Making Téa a prostitute (although that's pretty much common knowledge)
9) Mokuba has no friends
10) Marik calling people "binky boy" and his mind slaves being named Steve
11) Seto Kaiba having a huge ego and being "too obscenely rich" to do anything himself
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
1) The character Master Shake.
South Park
1) Credited within the story. Referenced an episode in which Cartman gets the definition of faggot in the dictionary changed to mean rude Harley motorcycle rider.
Lol Cats
1) spelling Egyptian as Ejipshun
Shoop Da Whoop
1) "Imma firin' mah lazor, blaaaaaaarg!!!!" (I have no idea who made this up)
Yu-Gi-Oh! belongs to Kazuki Takahashi