Ack, too much pain and despair and bloody darkness in all my stories. I need a pick up! Something fun, and utterly retarded. So, with that in mind, I give you:
-------------------------------
Zoids: The Dementedly Chaotic Saga-------------------------------
Chapter First: Ohohohoho!
-------------------------------
'Twas a sunny morn on the planet Zi. The birds were singing, bees were buzzing, BEEK was beeping, some guy somewhere was snoring, you get the picture. At the edge of the desert lay a small town. Now, this was a boring-as-all-hell town, where a lost sandwich was cause for a massive search party. In any case, in this town was a house. In this house, was a family. In this family, was Van Flyheight.
Van, as everyone knows, is the hero of Zi! Yay! Today our hero is . . . asleep. In bed. Yay? Perhaps you don't know about Van though. Well, here's the lowdown.
Van was 14 when he left his boring-as-all-hell hometown, on his wheel-less flying skateboard. He was scooting across the desert without a helmet (naughty!) when he accidentally crashed into a Guysack. Unluckily for him, the owner of the Guysack was nearby, and was mighty pissed to find that his fresh paint job was all scratched. So, like a clever lad, Van shot out of there fast as he could go. Which, sadly enough, wasn't quite fast enough, considering he was being chased by a monster-Zoid that was big enough to eat him.
Suddenly he smacked into a building. Rather than think about how stupid he was not to be looking at where he was going, Mr. Flyheight went inside aforementioned building. Passing storerooms, bedrooms, dining rooms, ballrooms, heirlooms, dressing rooms and bathrooms, he suddenly found a full-of-science-junk room. Being curious (or just plain nosey) he started pressing every damned button he came across. Of course, one of these buttons actually did something. SHOCK HORROR! An organoid popped out of a capsule nearby, and promptly attempted to eat Van. This just wasn't his day.
But! In a brilliant plot twist, Van convinced the stupid thing that he liked it, and then it saved the day! Yay! They found some reject old Gundam . . . I mean, Zoid . . . in the sand, and with a bit of elbow grease (and a lot of behind the scenes labour) they made it all shiny again. Van proceeded to kick the Guysack's sorry tail, and then gave the peace sign to absolutely no one in particular. Realising he'd dropped his keys back in the lab, he went back. He accidentally tripped over a cord and broke open the OTHER capsule, which held a young naked girl. This girl was rather stupid and didn't know who she was or where she came from or where all her clothes had gone. So Van decided to take her home as a souvenir for his sister (who ultimately didn't want her anyway).
Anyway, to cut a ridiculously long story short, Van and Fiona (as the girl would soon be named after a princess in a movie Van had seen recently) went forth in the Shield Liger (which would also become a Blade Liger but nobody really cares) and proceeded to open many cans of whoop-ass on a huge list of "bad-guys", including such unfortunates as the dude in the Guysack (again), a washed-up Imperial officer called Karl, a man who looked like a woman, the bandit Irvine who was an enemy first then wasn't but still wanted the organoid really bad so it's kinda hard to pick which side he's on anyway, a psychopathic pretty-boy called Prozen, another psychopathic pretty-boy called Hiltz and a suicidal maniac child called Raven who has a really tragic past, honest, it's just that he can't remember it and could rival Van in the amounts of whoop-ass dispensed on his enemies.
SO. Now you know about our hero (yay!) Van, we can continue the story.
As I said roughly 500 words ago, Van was asleep on this sunny morn on planet Zi. He'd been out partying with the Guardian Force the night before and was thoroughly smashed. It was a wonder he'd gotten home at all. Fiona had warned him that alcohol could do strange things but seeing Thomas laugh at him then drink five shots of vodka just to spite him had gotten the better of his "conservative side". However, he wasn't going to be in la-la land for much longer. With a shrill beep, the alarm clock next to his bed went off. And it kept beeping. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep bee-SMASH!
There was a squeak and explosion of sparks from the clock where Van had leveled it with his fist. Groaning, he turned over and shoved his head under the pillow. I feel terrible. Damn that Thomas. Although, to tell you the truth, it wasn't really Thomas' fault. It's not like he forced Van into the drinking contest. And seeing as the Imperial had lost (rather spectacularly, falling unconscious at the table after the 17th shot) Van couldn't really go around blaming Thomas. Van didn't remember much of this though.
Still, he couldn't stay in bed any longer. The curtains were open and he was getting a splitting headache from the sunbeam right across his head. Getting up from the bed, he looked at the floor. What is that traffic sign doing there?
*FLASHBACK MODE*"Go on Van, take it down! Or are you chicken!" crowed Irvine from the other side of the street, swinging the bottle in his hand around and almost decking Moonbay.
"Yeah do it! That sign insulted me today!" Karl called out. "I'll go over 60 m/ph if I damn well pleeeeeeease!"
"Just shut up an' stop yelling at meh and I will!" Wobbling a bit on his feet, Van drew back the chainsaw and pulled the ripcord . . .
*END FLASHBACK MODE*
"Oh yeah . . ." he mumbled, then walked smack into the door. Still uncoordinated, that's our Van!
~*~
Wandering into the base that day, Van only crashed the Blade Liger five times before parking it correctly. As he got out, Fiona came running up to him, flapping her arms around wildly.
Oh no, what now . . . He thought despairingly. Fiona only brought BAD news.
"VanVanVanVanVan!" she cried, bouncing on the spot as she came near him. "Something shockingly, awfully, HORRIBLY BAD has just happened!" He sighed and pulled out his Gameboy.
"What is it?" he asked, pulling off a chain combo in Tetris.
"Prozen contacted us!"
"But Prozen's dead. I killed him good." Fiona blinked.
"Prozen contacted us!"
"But he's . . . oh screw it, take me there." Fiona squealed and dashed off ahead, and Van followed morosely, tripping over a piece of metal on the way.
~*~
Van walked into the communications room to find Karl (not looking so crash hot) watching a video monitor.
"What happen?" asked Van. Karl pointed at the red dot on the screen.
"Somebody set up us the bomb," he explained. Thomas whirled around from his position at one of the terminals.
"We get signal."
"What!" cried Van.
"Main screen turn on." Thomas flipped a switch and the huge monitor in front of them and a person turned up onscreen. Van gasped.
"It's you!!" Gunther Prozen smirked evilly/sexily and inclined his head evilly/sexily.
"How are you gentlemen!!" He raised his hand palm up to show a little hologram clearly marked YOUR BASE. He smiled. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."
Van slammed his fist into the table. "What you say!!"
"You have no chance to survive make your time." Prozen started to laugh like an insane evil/sexy thing. "HA HA HA HA . . ." And then the connection was cut off. Van seethed for a moment (still with a hangover) and started snapping out orders.
"Take off every 'zoid'!! You know what you doing. Move 'zoid'." As everyone scurried willy-nilly like confused gerbils, he raised his fist to his chest.
"For great justice," he said to no one in particular.
-------------------------------
Heehee, that was completely pointless! Oh, and that last paragraph was made entirely from the script of Zero Wing, which, as everybody know, started the ALL YOUR BASE fad. I suggest you look it up sometime. Educate yourself.
If there's a next time, I'll see you there!