You know when you have an important exam coming up and you have so many things whizzing and whirling in your mind? For example, a French exam. 'What do I do if the verb is avoir and it ends in 're'?' you say, totally forgetting everything you've learnt. You look at the clock and are shocked by the time. You put your head in your hands. You just want to fall asleep and wake up when it's all over. You are so tired from staying up too late revising. When you decide it's time for sleeping you rest your sleepy head on your soft, newly washed pillow and close your eyes. Still, so many things rush into your head. You suddenly remember the answer from the question before 'when an avoir verb ends in 're' I need to take them both off and put a 'du' instead'. You feel a rush of excitement and feel you can finally rest. Until questions pop in your head like 'what if I forget everything?' or 'what if I'm the only one who fails?' You feel a tear run down your cheek as you go to sleep thinking of that one word, fail.

This is what it's like for Jac. The ice queen is about to face a test. Not a French test however. A test to tell a 'special someone' the truth. She sat at her office desk, head rested in her one hand, the other hand clenching her side. 'What if he doesn't like what I tell him? What if he leaves me because I can't give him what he wants? How do I tell him? When's a good time? What if he doesn't want to listen?' All these questions were rushing through the clever and ambitious consultants head. This was not the only thing rushing through her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about people who had left her in the past and what she had said to them: All these years I thought how could any mother abandon their own child at 12. And for all these years, I thought about that one question and the only answer I could think of was it must have been me. There must have been something so fundamentally wrong with me that you couldn't bear to stay.

This is what she had said to her own mother a few years ago. She remembered it like it was yesterday. Those few sentences stood in her mind. 'Was it me? Was that the reason my mother left me at 12? There was something wrong with me!', she thought.

This led her to remember other things she had said. "If they love you enough, they'll never leave you anyway'. But what if love of her life Nurse Jonny Maconie didn't love her enough? What would she do? She'd be left in the dark, with horrible pains, working long hours and every person in the hospital knowing her business. Then she remembered back to what made her slap him, who in their right mind would want to have a baby with you anyway? Any product of your womb has got an even chance of being the anti- Christ!

All of these phrases she had said were like the food chain, one thing led to another. She remembered Jonny saying to her, I want a normal life, you know, all the normal, boring things. I want a wife, and a family, and I want a dog, and I want roses over the door - the whole shebang. This however, was something Jac would not be able to give Jonny. She can give him a wife and a dog and roses over the door but the family part just wasn't possible. Would Jonny be okay with this? He said this is what he wanted; surely he wouldn't just change his mind now?

She remembered saying 'We all want to find a person or have a child we love so much we'd die for, swap places with'. This is what she wanted, what Jonny wanted, what everyone wants.

Deep down, Jac knew the answer to this test- it was to tell Jonny. This was the answer to the test. This is the answer to get full marks.

The one phrase that Jac had said to her mother a few years ago was spinning in her head, just like 'when you have an avoir verb that ends in 're' you need to take off the 're' and put a 'du' at the end'. As Jac was thinking over what she had old people and what people had told her over these late hours in the cold, dark and weary room, Jonny walked in. Jonny had a little sparkle in his eyes from the one desk lamp that was on. He walked over to Jac and smiled lovingly, looking ready to start fresh.

"I need to tell you something. Some stuff" whispered Jac, as she couldn't get any louder

"Nothing matters any more" said Jonny with his big and cheesy smile

"Would you just shut up for a few minutes?" Jac said raising her voice. She had started now, no going back. It's like going into the French test, now you've put your name on it (if you can even remember that), there is no going back. You're on the road with no room for turning.

"No, I won't!" he said, not getting to angry. Jonny didn't understand why Jac wanted to say something. He knew it couldn't be a repeat of the 'Sean incidence', so he didn't bother worrying about that matter.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" she said under her breath.

Jac 'spilt the beans'. She emptied out everything she was feeling and everything that had happened. She said about the operation, the appointments, the scans, and the baby 'stuff'.

Once she was done, a good 20 minutes later, she slowly lifted her head up to see Jonnys twinkling eyes starring back at her. Then she noticed his smile.

"You think this is funny? You said you wanted the whole shebang, you said nobody would want to have children with me & that anything that came from my womb would be the product of the anti-Christ. How can you be smiling. It isn't funny. It's physically and emotionally painful" Jac admitted still clutching onto her side.

"Jac, I'm not laughing. I'm smiling. It's okay. It's all going to be okay."

There was a long silence. No speaking. It was now 11 o'clock and they were both hungry.

"You want some food?" asked Jonny getting up from the glass table he was perched on. Jac nodded. They got up and strolled off to Alibis down the road.