Disclaimer: I don't own Jack.
A/N: So this is my first PotC story, and it's only a one-shot, but I hope you like it. Even though it's really weird. It's not really all humor, or tragic or anything, just…weird. So yeah, just let me know what you think!
My Dirt!
Ever since he was a little boy, Jack Sparrow was very possessive and always wanting to collect things. It all started when he was two years old. The terrible twos…some kids throw tantrums at naptime, others refuse to eat without covering the kitchen with food too, some go out of their way to bite, kick, or hit others. Little Jack Sparrow started his kleptomania during his terrible twos.
His mother didn't take notice of his new hobby at first. She did notice, however, that things kept disappearing from where she thought she had left them. For example, she found one day that her pretty flowered hat was missing from the hat rack by the front door. She looked all around the house for it, but never did find it again. Three days later, Jack's father noticed that his favorite pocket watch was no longer on the vanity table where he had left it the night before. He looked all around the table, but he also could not find it. He bought a new one, which disappeared a week later.
When Jack was two and a half, his mother found her best necklace missing from her jewelry box. The next day, the jewelry box was empty. Other things were also disappearing all over the house, like pillows, plates, silverware, and small articles of clothing. Jack's mother decided it was time to find the thief. She left out her husband's new pocket watch that he had bought that day, promising him that he would get it back soon, and hopefully his two other ones, too.
Jack's mother left the pocket watch on the table and hid, hoping to catch the culprit in the act. Much to her surprise, her little son toddled in a few minutes later, looked around carefully, then snatched the pocket watch off the table. He looked it over, smiling and giggling gleefully, then set off towards his room. Jack's mother followed the toddler to his room and watched as he opened his toy chest, revealing all of the things that had gone missing in the last six months or so.
"Jack!" she exclaimed. The little boy jumped and whirled around, his eyes wide. She stood in the doorway of his room, hands on her hips. "You've been taking all of these things, you naughty boy?" she said sternly. Jack glared back at her.
"Mine!" he shouted. She sighed.
"No, Jack, these belong to other people, and you have to give them back. Now," she said.
"No! Miiiiine!" Little Jack howled, throwing himself on the ground in a fury. He fought his mother as she removed the stolen items from the toy box. Leaving her screaming son to pound his fists on the floor, Jack's mother returned the items to their rightful places and owners, and went back to see her son. Jack had now calmed down, but was still sniffling sadly.
"Now, Jack, why did you take those things?" his mother asked him. Jack crossed his arms as best as he could and gave his mother a watery glare.
"My things," he said in a small voice. His mother sighed.
"No, Jack, they belong to other people. These toys are your things. Do you understand?" she asked. But Jack just went into another tantrum.
This scene was repeated many times over the next several years, as Jack continued to take other people's things and hide them in his room. Most of the stolen items were colorful, shiny, or expensive.
When Jack was still stealing things at seven years old, his parents were getting rather concerned. They took their son to a psychiatrist, who had grave news for them after a session with Jack.
"Mr. and Mrs. Sparrow, I have bad news, I'm afraid," he said. Jack's parents looked at the doctor anxiously.
"There is nothing we can do to stop your son's habits. He…will most likely become a banker. Or a pirate," the doctor told the parents. Jack's mother started crying in her husband's arms. The doctor patted her shoulder sympathetically, nodded to Mr. Sparrow, and went back into his office.
Ten years later, the doctor was proved right. Jack ran away from home and was recruited onto a pirate ship. They gave him his first tattoo and taught him their best curses. Jack was in his element. Finally he had found someplace he fitted in. He finally had friends who shared his two loves- sailing and stealing.
Fifteen years later, Jack was still a pirate, now one of the most notorious pirate captains in the seven seas. He knew how to steal and he was good at it. His kleptomaniac tendencies would sometimes come out in other places besides just looting villages.
For instance, he could never abide someone else taking something of his. Whether it was his hat, his ship, his compass, or some other random item, if you took something of Jack's, you could be sure you would pay. He would swiftly punish the thief, take back his item, and say,
"My (insert item here) !"