My first House fic! W00t! This turned out waaaaaaay more angsty/emotional than I planned/wanted. Oh well. But the finale was so emotional that a fluffy, happy piece was apparently impossible for me to write, especially at four in the morning. I'm really tired right now, which will be my excuse for any poor editing/plot/writing in general.
Warning: spoilers for whatever episodes of House that I happen to have spoilers for. The season 4 finale, for sure. There's probably some OOCness too, but after all that House went through in the finale, I think he would be acting differently. Especially after the scene with Amber on the bus at the end. (See! Spoilers! And we're not even to the story yet!)
Disclaimer: If I owned House, there would be much more Hameron. Unfortunately, I do not. I don't own the characters, I just force them to be mushy and romantic. The italics at the beginning are lines from the show.
"I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable."
House lies in the hospital bed, Cuddy's hand draped over his uncomfortably. Based on the look in Wilson's eyes, he knows for sure that Amber is dead now.
"You can't always get what you want."
He wonders why that is, why he can't have what he wants so desperately. Everybody around him seems a hell of a lot happier than he is. Foreman seems okay with his job, Chase has Cameron, and at least Wilson did have someone to love, even if she's gone now.
What do they have that he doesn't? What makes them so much more deserving of happiness than him? He ponders this for a moment before his rationality kicks in and he remembers that deserving has nothing to do with it. There must be something different about them. And so, in typical House fashion, he resorts to diagnosing.
Everybody lies.
Do they? Chase and Wilson didn't get into their relationships by being so prideful and afraid that they hid their feelings.
People don't change.
Following his bus revelation, this is becoming harder to accept.
Wilson changed. For once, he found a relationship that didn't destroy him bit by bit until he destroyed it.
Amber had changed. Her need to win had softened, and she hadn't been living up to her nickname quite as much the past few weeks.
Cameron has changed. Her relationship with Chase shows that she didn't necessarily need damaged people. And her choice to get over House shows that she had gotten over damaging herself, as well. Cameron had always been available to House. She'd been pining over him since the day she started, but now she's moved on. To Chase, no less. The rather dull-witted but admittedly handsome Chase. House shouldn't be jealous. He knows that it's stupid and that he and Cameron would never work out because he's a masochist and a jerk and she's sweet and gives a damn about people. But still, he can't help it. When he walks into his office, he occasionally sees the back of Thirteen's head and mistakes it for pre-blonde Cameron. That mistake shouldn't make him as happy as it does. And then he realizes it's not her, and the misery sets in again.
And he's changed. He's still a jerk, but he's deciding to become less self-destroying and maybe, just maybe, he'll appreciate the people he's got by his side. Not out loud, of course. People don't change that drastically and he doesn't think he's become that pathetic and emotional. But now that he might have lost Wilson, he knows he can't lose anyone else.
So he gets out of the bed, gently sliding his hand out from under Cuddy's. He knows he shouldn't be up and walking around, but he really doesn't care. After unhooking himself from the mostly unimportant medical equipment and grabbing a cane, he slips out of the room and heads for his first stop: his office. He keeps some clothes there for the all-nighters he pulls, and wants to get out of the hospital gown as soon as possible. He feels vulnerable enough after his experience with Amber on the bus, so there's no need to make it worse with a stupid gown.
Once he's dressed, he heads for the second stop. This one's a little more abstract, since he's looking for a person instead of a place, and he hobbles around the hospital for over an hour before giving up and returning to his office.
When he reaches the glass door, he stops suddenly. He can see a distinctly female figure sitting at the desk in the corner of the room, and he can hear the universe telling him that here's another chance, try not to screw it up. The pale light that streams through the blinds gives the blonde hair an ethereal glow, and he takes a deep breath before opening the door.
She looks up at him and their eyes lock. She's surprised to see him, but underneath that is a sort of exhaustion. He recognizes it as the same look he sees in the mirror. He hobbles over to the table, the same table she used to sit at, day after day, and sits down where he can face her.
They sit in silence for a minute, the unspoken question resting in the air. Finally, she takes a deep breath and speaks.
"I guess you want to know why I'm here."
House just looks at her, but she thinks she sees a tiny, almost imperceptible nod. So she continues.
"I was out at dinner with Chase and Foreman. But it just didn't feel right. Not with everything...everything that's happened. I had to come here." She can see that he's going to comment and cuts him off. "Deflate your ego. I didn't know you were going to be here. You're supposed to be in room, sleeping. What are you doing up?"
He lean forward and starts playing with the cane, twirling it around. "I was looking for you."
He can tell by the look on her face that she wasn't expecting this. Neither was he, honestly. But with everything that's happened lately, he's given up on lying and covering up his emotions and it's just time to tell the truth. So he does.
"I miss you."
She gives a small smile. "I know. I lied before. I miss you too. You're an arrogant jerk, but I miss you."
He stops twirling the cane. "Why did you lie?"
"Everybody lies."
He makes a scoffing noise.
"Fine. You want the real reason? The real reason is that I was afraid you would make a comment about how I'm still in love with you. And you'd be right."
He pauses before answering her. He looks at the ground while he speaks. "I'm not right for you. I'm not right for anybody. I don't do relationships and we'd both just get hurt."
Cameron tilts her head. "I don't think that's true. And I don't think you think that's true, either. What are you so afraid of?"
"What am I so afraid of?" he asks, standing slowly, his voice rising a little with each word. "I'm afraid of you, Cameron. I'm afraid of me, of how badly I want to change, how badly I want to be happy. I haven't stopped thinking about you since you kissed me and I miss you and my Cameron replacement is doing too well and not well enough at the same time. I can't even call her by her real name because I know I'll slip up and call her Cameron and then everybody will know that Dr. House doesn't just have feelings, he has feelings for Dr. Cameron!"
He's made his way closer to the desk, and looks into Cameron's eyes. She slowly stands up and walks around the desk to where he is, wrapping her small arms around his torso. He just stands there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before wrapping his arms around her.
After a minute or so of just holding each other, Cameron maneuvers her head so that her mouth is closer to his ear.
"I love you, House."
He's not ready to say it back. Can't say it. That's just not him, he's not there yet. But he feels it. Oh, how he feels it.
And he's happy.
Review, please! I feel like I should write another, more fluffy H/C story, but I've been up for about twenty hours and my ability to type is decreasing rapidly. So, that will have to wait. Seriously, when did the keyboard become so difficult to use?