Black and White

Nothing is as down or as up as us...

Moving back to Tree Hill after four years. You would think that'd be hard, with all the drama, with all the bad memories, with everything that happened during the first 18 years of my life. I thought so, too, at first.

When I got here, a month ago, I felt like the place had nothing more to offer me. I went back to my house, to see how it was, and saw the people who are living there now. A couple with a 16-year-old girl. I saw her yelling at her dad, getting into her car and driving away, god knows where. I actually laughed at the scene. Things seem to be a lot harder when you're in high school, and I was sure, at that moment, that she was thinking something like life sucks, or I can't wait to grow up. And I wanted to go to her and tell her she's gonna be fine. I mean, it seems to have worked for all the rest of us. I saw my old bedroom window and thought of my room. The walls, the closet door, the closet itself. Everything I couldn't take with me when I left. It was like leaving a piece of my life there, and it was scary, cause it meant I'd have to rebuild a lot of things by myself. But I found it can be the best experience in your life.

I found this small apartment, near Nathan and Haley's place, and decided to do whatever I wanted to, decided to let myself relax for once. Cause working at the record company was an amazing experience, but most of the time I couldn't even say what was on my mind. I learned, the hard way, how the music industry really works. But I refused to follow their rules. I refused to get sucked into that. Cause, in the long run, I knew I was gonna end up hating the industry, and I didn't want that for me. They can say I'm never gonna achieve anything unless I adapt to the way things are, but I'll prove them I can, doing things the right way, not the easy way. The way I always thought it should be: music, and art in general, as a way to get to people's hearts, not their wallets.

As I opened all my boxes and unpacked all my bags, I could see the parts from my past in Tree Hill that I actually took with me. Pictures, letters, the yearbook. And, at last, right down at the bottom of one of the boxes, my drawings. Colorless, angry, sad. Heavy, even. I looked at them, one by one. But the ones concerning Brooke and Lucas were the ones that really caught my eyes. Who knew, four years ago, that mine and Lucas' promises of everlasting love would fade so fast? When you're 18 years old and in love, the idea of that love ending is too cruel, too hurtful to even conceive. Everything is so intense, and you think that your high school boyfriend is the one. What do we know at 18 anyway? Most of us have no clue of what the real world's like. We get glimpses of it, but we don't know it fully. We can't, till we're forced to stand alone and find out. That's the most beautiful discovery. It's like listening to a different singer whose style freaks you out at first, but then, as you listen to the way they sing, or the quiet guitar beyond the lyrics, you learn to love it.

Brooke, Lucas and I, holding guns and firing up against the blindfolded heart marked with a number 3. There can't be a better way to describe us back then. Now Lucas is with this Lindsey girl for almost a year now, Brooke's been seeing a guy called Alec for a couple of weeks, and me? Patrick. At least I was dating him, for three months, before I moved back. Nice guy, funny, and it also helps that he's the hottest man alive. Well, at least to me, he is. We met at this course we were taking at UCLA, since I had to keep myself busy while I wasn't at work. And there he was. He really knew how to keep me busy, I must say. We never really broke up, but it's not like the long distance relationship thing could work with us. I've tried that with Lucas. Too hard. But he still calls once in a while, and he even stopped by to visit one time, on his way to New York. Thing is, I learned to just let myself have fun. I don't think Patrick was the one for me, I never did. I never loved him with all my heart, and he never loved me like that, either. I did care about him, a lot, and he cared about me too. I learned that not every single relationship you have has to be about eternal love and the drama and the eventual heartbreak. Things don't always have to be so serious and so intense, you don't have to wanna marry the guy you're with. Not necessarily. And you can still be a great couple. So I guess I can say I'm out of the triangle once and for all. It's been undone, by our growth, by our decisions, and by life in general. And now Brooke's getting here, too, in a week. The paths we've taken have led us all back to Tree Hill.

But now, a whole month after I came and felt like I didn't belong anymore, I can't even begin to say how good it feels to be back. To know that the pain and the tears can subside, that time can actually heal everything. Well… almost everything.

I walked closer to my mom's grave. The place I'd been visiting every time I needed to talk, every time I needed her here, with me. The place I hadn't been to in four years.

"Remember, when I left? I needed to find my way, and I asked you to help me. I wanted to change the world. And I thought that, in order to do that, I'd have to give up this place, and these people. I was wrong, mom." I said, while smiling and passing my fingers through the flowers I'd just put there. "I still think I can make a difference, but I don't wanna run anymore. I don't wanna leave anything behind. I just wanna live. When I look back, I'm not proud of all my choices. But when I see myself now, I know they were worth it. It was all worth it. It still hurts that you're not here. But this won't keep me from being happy every single day of my life, cause I know that's what you always wanted for me."

Back then, every little thing seemed so important. And we reached a point were we stopped caring about the things that really mattered, to give full attention, and turn all our energy into hurting each other, or getting what we wanted, even if we knew it meant hurting someone else. But that's a part of life. I mean, how else would we learn? I think I distanced myself from everyone since I went to LA. Even from Brooke. But now I can come back to them knowing who I really am. I can see myself as Peyton, not as Brooke's best friend or Lucas' girlfriend, or Nathan's ex. Just me. I learned that's enough. I want love, don't get me wrong. But I had to find myself before I could start looking for another person. And I think I did it. I stood by myself, and I was ok. I missed them every single day, but I wasn't dependent on them. I finally did it. I think it happened to us all. We grew up. And we can look back on high school, now, and we're not scared of the memories. We don't feel bad that they happened, we're just thankful that we got the chance to make mistakes, and get something good out of every single one of them.

"So I wanted to tell you, to show you, even, that I'm the same Peyton Sawyer you knew, even four years later. Seems strange, huh? You're probably thinking I'm going crazy, cause I've been talking nonstop about how much I've changed. But my heart hasn't. I didn't let the real world take all of it away. I just let it change what needed to be changed, so that I can be happy."

I reached into my purse and took the drawing. Black and white. Of a little girl waving to a ship as it went away. It had a complete different meaning five years ago. Now, as I put it near my mother's name, I knew it meant something else. I was breaking free. I was saying goodbye to that part of my life, and getting ready for the rest of it.

Lyricis in the beginning from Coldplay's Low.