Disclaimer: I don't own RENT or I Can't Unlove You by Kenny Rogers.
Plot: No matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving her. Songfic to I Can't Unlove You by Kenny Rogers. Mark's POV. Unrequited Mark/Maureen.
A/N: Okay, so, I know the last fic I wrote was a songfic too (see Borrowed Angels), but this song came on in the car and I was struck by a plot bunny. So here it is. Another RENT songfic. Oddly enough, this is my first fic NOT involving Angel! (gasp) But when that plot bunny starts hopping around in your head, there's nothing for it but to write the fic. So here goes.
Cleaning out the Loft… why is it ALWAYS my job? Roger's always too busy writing and angsting about Mimi to clean up after himself, let alone after everyone else. And Collins and Maureen don't live here any more, so it's always my job.
I always complain when I'm cleaning. It helps me keep my mind occupied while doing mind-numbing work. I find a little cardboard box, up on top of the shelves in the kitchen. What's this doing here? I don't remember what's inside, so I open it up.
Inside, I see what is basically a mound of random papers. Postcards and letters from my parents, Roger's parents, and some picture envelopes too. Curious, I pick them out and pull the photos from inside. They're of Roger, Maureen, Collins, Benny, and me, back when we all lived together… and me and Maureen were dating…
Postcards and letters
And pictures made to last forever
To be boxed up and tossed away
I can't believe it. Where did this box go for all this time? It's been so long since then… or has it really? I can't even keep track any more… A flood of memories rushes into my mind; us five laughing over something stupid, getting drunk at the Life and getting kicked out more than once. Man, those were the days.
I dig further into the box, unearthing a bunch of random trinkets and knick-knacks from all different places. I remember Maureen buying a lot of them on random urges, when we would go on walks together around the city. She never could resist getting something that struck her fancy, no matter how short on money we were. And me, hopelessly in love as I was (and to be truthful, am), I could never resist buying her whatever she desired.
Knickknacks and souvenirs
In an afternoon, they're out of here
They'll disappear without a trace
But what they mean to me
Can never be replaced
As I look at the pictures and little knick-knacks, to my shock, tears start to well up in my eyes. I'm glad Roger and Mimi went out today; he'd only tease me. All of these things mean so much; they bring back memories of Maureen when she loved me, not Joanne. They're the only lasting reminders of that time, outside my mind.
And I find, as I think about Maureen, that now I can't stop. Thoughts of her fill my mind; little moments of time captured like a still photo and saved in some dark, cobwebbed corner of my brain. And as tears run slowly down my cheeks, and I see these moments and hear her laughter in my ears, I realize something: I still love her. I never stopped loving her. Even though I know she and Joanne are meant to be, I can't help but want to be with her. And yet, I love her too much to tear their relationship apart; as if it needs my help anyway.
I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can almost feel her fingers running down my arm, feel her lips on mine. I hear her loudly proclaiming, "I love you, Mark Cohen!" for all the world to hear. Well, for all our apartment building to hear anyways.
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
I find myself trying to push the memories back, lock them back in that corner where they can't rip at my heart any more. But no matter how hard I try, they keep on coming, harder and faster by the second.
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
I grab the box and take it back to my room, packing everything neatly and carefully away, then sticking it under my bed. Feeling suddenly tired, I fall onto my bed and drop into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning. Maureen haunts my dreams, dancing and twirling just out of my reach. Every moment seems to take an eternity.
Interstates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I wake up what seems like hours later, but turns out to only have been thirty minutes. Even in such a short time, I've moved back to the position I used to sleep in when Maureen and I shared a bed. I'm on my side, my arms looped lightly around a pillow and my face buried in it, smushing my glasses up against my face. I am once again assaulted with memories.
These are of waking up beside Maureen, who always managed to look perfect even though she wasn't a morning person. Though now, it seems all I have to hold on to is a pillow.
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it's meant to be this way
No matter how I try somethings I can't change
Maybe it's supposed to be this way. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to live without the one I love. To learn how to move on from one love to find another, maybe even a better love. After all, it's not like I can change what's meant to be. Maureen and Joanne are obviously meant for each other, even if they fight a lot.
I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I lay there as the day goes on, memories flashing in and out of my mind. All the times she touched me, all the times she said such wonderful, complimenting things to me, and I said them back. Now I start to wonder whether she really meant them or not, though I think she did at the time. I've just got to keep thinking that, or I'll have nothing good to hold on to.
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, no
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
There are times when I really wish I could just forget what we had. Then I wouldn't be in so much pain as I helplessly remember.
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh, it's no use
The Loft door slides open and I hear Roger's questioning call of "Mark??"
I sigh and get up, pasting my normal half-grin on my face and heading out to greet the two lovebirds. Life goes on, no matter my personal love issues. I hope I'll find new love eventually, but I'll never stop loving her.
I can't unlove you
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