Prologue
Make wishes upon a falling star, rub shiny lamps, and hide loose teeth under the pillow, people will do what they can just to have a little foolish dream away from where they are and who they were, like daughters waiting for fathers on the front porch, or sons working doubles while mothers spread their legs for other men. Winter was an especially cruel season to pass, cold and cooped up in a place with hundreds of other kids labelled as outcast, Mello knew better than to let him mind idle onto useless thoughts, no genies or fairies was going to wisp away with reality, he'd take his chances with his books and exams. Let the kids open their presents under the dusty Christmas lights, he'd stay under his table lamp instead, doing away with questions and quizzes, always trying to stay one step ahead of the game, and yet pitifully one step behind his younger rival. He'd given up on meeting likely parents, discarded every orphans dream of being brought home to a family, this was much more important, this was his dream. Dreams like nightmares, nightmares like dreams, which was real, which was not, who could tell as blurry words danced before his tired eyes, struggling to hold on to the little sanity of a faraway victory, could he really call the other kids who frolicked around the warm fireplace childish? Were they wasting their time and opportunity, and was he not? Who could tell which was really worth it?
The frightening thoughts did a better job at keeping him awake than any brand of espresso. Before he knew it, he was shaking with his right hand in his left, wishing it was just the caffeine that had his blood pumping, that his mind was still in its right place. He grabbed the paper bag from his drawer, taking deep breaths in and out with it over his nose and mouth. Another anxiety episode, disgusting, he thought, and in a spur of anger threw everything on the table to the floor, smashing his old table lamp, his favourite thing in the room. "Shit!" He cursed, immediately realizing his mistake.
He was left in silence for a while, only his breath accompanied him. Maybe he cried, but it was too dark to tell, it's better if he thought he didn't. He laid his head on his arms on the table, closed his eyes tight, for a short moment, he wished he could be someone else.