When Mundus gets bored…
It was another day in the Underworld. Now that he'd broken the seal that Sparda had forced him into, Mundus was free. Free as a bird. That was caged. The whole of Mallet Island had been sealed away; it no longer existed in the human world. Which was all fine and well for the humans, but it meant that there was very little entertainment to be had for the demons. And what was debatably even worse, was the fact that when Mallet Island had been sealed away from the human realm, Dante had thought it a great joke to make sure that the castle and the overgrown gardens were ravaged by falling rubble. Lovely. Of course, the possibility that Dante didn't know that by sealing Mundus he'd cause the whole thing to collapse never entered Mundus' head. Of course, the devil prince hadn't actually seen Dante's plane-flying antics as he escaped the island. If he had, he'd probably have wondered when Dante suddenly decided he knew how to fly planes. A man who decided to randomly pick up relics without really thinking about it, or pick up items sewn into paintings only after asking some invisible somebody whether he should take said item or not surely would never have been able to fly a plane.
In fact, Mundus had a feeling that if someone observed Dante's behaviour around the castle, they'd be more inclined to admit that the demon hunter was insane. Mundus was incredibly sane by comparison. Sure he decided to take on the form of a marble statue, who was clothed only in a loincloth, but that was beside the point. Completely beside the point.
About half a year had passed since his crushing defeat. Well, crushing was an inaccurate word, because everyone knew he was going to come back at some time or another. He wasn't sure when yet, he hadn't really planned that part yet. He hadn't even planned what exactly he was going to do with the human world once he got it. All he knew was that he was going to come back and torment Dante somehow. But not just yet. Dante would still be on his guard, and would be all too ready. It had nothing to do with the fact that many of Mundus' soldiers had been killed at Dante's hands. Nothing at all!
Until the time came for Mundus to return to the human world in order to try and gain control yet again, he had to frit away his time. Doing what though? Dope? He had done that for the past millennia, how else had he been able to come up with his plan for human realm domination? It had been such a wonderful plan too, sending his army of pet cats turned evil, his army of children toys that had failed with the kid friendly test and of course, his famous bug collection. His father had been so pleased when he had won the best bug award for the tenth millennia in a row! And now all of them were squished. His poor Beelzebub…
He sniffed and tried to sit up in his throne, to maintain a dignified expression. Which was hard to do considering his throne consisted of a huge barrel. He himself had been literally cut down to size and had been forced to take the form of a turkey that had somehow gotten itself washed up on Mallet Island. Not that it wasn't already humiliating enough that he'd been turned into a turkey, but the fact that it was a female turkey and not a male was even worse.
There was a sudden crash and a yowl of pain. A shadow yowled as it ran past him. He gobbled with terror and then flapped heavily onto his throne, staring at the shadow balefully. That was another new threat that had come his way. Shadows were cat-demons, and cats liked birds. To eat. To be held hostage by one of his own pets was perhaps one of the most embarrassing blows that Dante had struck upon him.
For some odd reason, this shadow didn't seem at all intent on eating him. On the contrary, it climbed into a little hole and hid. Before Mundus knew what was happening, Vergil came limping up, triumphantly carrying a strange square box with a glass screen. Mundus eyed it warily.
'What is that?' he demanded, his normally gravely voice a high-pitched gobble. Vergil looked at him in horror.
'This is a television! It's called a TV for short! Haven't you seen one before?' He asked, trying to sound polite, while trying to keep the thunderstruck expression from his face and voice. Mundus shook his head.
'What does it do?'
'It…erm…it shows moving pictures…' Vergil flustered, unsure of how to answer the question. 'You switch it on, and the screen starts playing these moving pictures with sound.' He looked at Mundus anxiously, hoping that this explanation would be enough, but to his disappointment, Mundus just looked even more confused.
'Show me,' he commanded imperiously. Vergil felt his heart sink. How could he show Mundus, when there wasn't a plug to be seen?
'I can't,' Vergil muttered. Mundus' eyes widened and he gobbled with irritation.
'Why not? I want to see the magic moving pictures! I WANT PICTURES! I WANT PICTURES!' he started to yell. Vergil rolled his eyes. If he had ever told Mundus that he was acting like Dante, he'd probably lose his head. And his balls. That thought was far too scary to even contemplate properly. Vergil eventually sighed, getting fed up with Mundus' constant wailing.
'I can't because this is not from the Underworld.' Mundus stopped whimpering immediately and eyed him suspiciously.
'S'not?' he whinged. Vergil shook his head, feeling slightly nervous. 'Where s'it from?' Mundus hiccupped, his wings flapping as he tried to keep his wattle from wobbling. Vergil sighed and looked away. 'I demand you to tell me!' Mundus started gobbling with rage. A shadow suddenly appeared from behind Vergil's leg and leered at Mundus hungrily. Mundus hiccupped again before squawking and flopping off his throne just as the shadow pounced. Vergil caught the shadow and started cooing at it, stroking it behind its ears and rubbing its belly.
'Who's a good kitty? Whoooooooo's a goooooooood kitty?' Mundus aimed a taloned kick at the shadow, which promptly hissed. Vergil pouted and frowned at Mundus. 'What did you do that for? Now you got Cuddles all upset!'
'I demand you to tell me where you got this "Veeeeeeeeee-Teeeeeeeee" from!'
'What'll happen to me if I don't?' Vergil retorted, puffing his chest out and trying to look intimidating. Which he did. He was dressed in his blue clothes again, and his hair had been styled back to its former spikiness. All in all, he looked like the human version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Except with a choice of two swords, the ability to turn into a demon, and equipped with hair gel. Constantly. All in all, human Sonic the Hedgehog he might have been, but he was damned proud of it. He still hadn't told anyone how he had adored the games when he was younger, and how he had forced Dante to be Knuckles the Echidna all the time while he got the starring role of the blue hedgehog.
Until the day he called Sparda "Dr. Robotnik" and then "Eggman" and hit him over the head and broke his monocle with a frying pan. Then all the Sonic games were thrown into the trashcan and the Master System and Genesis was never seen again. Then Mario entered the fray. Dante was all too happy to pretend to be the fat little plumber, but Vergil refused to play along and be Luigi. Green was not his colour.
Mundus cut into his thoughts suddenly, popping the happy little memory bubble that Vergil had entered.
'If you don't tell me where you got that Taaaa-Veeee from, I shall call forth the forces of the most evil, most bizaare, and indeed, most terrifying of all my soliders!' Mundus yelled dramatically. Vergil's eyes promptly welled up with tears and he sank to his knees, blubbering.
'No! You don't mean-'
'Yes. I do. I shall send my legions and legions of evil twisted hell sluts upon you!' Vergil blinked and looked pleased. Before, the most evil, most bizaare and most terrifying of Mundus' soliders had been the mannequins that looked like Chuckie from that horror film…which was imaginatively called "Chuckie". But having hell sluts set upon him didn't seem that big a deal. It had been a while since he'd gotten to use his…sword.
The hell sluts suddenly entered the room, and any thoughts about having some action immediately deserted him. They were dressed wildly, and daubed in makeup that looked more like war paint, with lipstick on their teeth! These were no hell sluts! These were-
'Male hell sluts!' Mundus boasted proudly. 'GET HIM!' He gobbled, his wattle wobbling dangerously. Vergil shrieked, grabbed Cuddles and climbed the nearest tree he could find. Which did him little good considering an errant boulder had felled the tree when Mallet Island had started to crumble. Cuddles mewed and started grooming himself, apparently unconcerned.
'CALL THEM OFF! CALL THEM OFF!' Vergil squealed. Mundus sighed and called for the male hell sluts to retreat. Vergil climbed down the tree and sniffled.
'Now! Bow down to me and tell me where you got the…the…Tee…Taa…Tuu…thing from!' Vergil prostrated himself before the turkey.
'I got it from the human realm, sire.' Mundus gobbled, eyes wide.
'Then we must go to the human realm!'
'But I thought you said that you were only going to return when you are in the body of a man or humanoid being and that you would only return once you had a brilliant devious plan constructed by your own wicked devious and cunning mind!' Vergil yelped.
'Yes. But this is more important. I WANT TO SEE THE MOVING PICTURES! NOW FOLLOW ME! OFF TO THE HUMAN REALM WE GO!' Mundus crowed, walking off. Vergil blinked and watched him waddle off. It was only a couple of moments before Mundus ambled back, looking slightly ruffled yet struggling to look dignified.
'Vergil?'
'Yes Master?'
'How did you get to the human realm?'
'I found another portal.'
'Where?'
'In the loo.' Mundus blinked. 'The bog,' Vergil tried to elaborate. Mundus continued to look nonplussed. 'In the toilet!' Vergil snapped, irritated. Mundus cocked his head to one side, wattle wiggling from side to side.
'What's a-'
'Oh never mind! Come on!' Vergil stormed off, annoyed and huffy. Mundus gobbled with delight. Finally! It seemed that he was finally going to have an adventure to take the edge of his boredom!