Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: Yes, this is a parody. Even so, it does contain spoilers from HBP. So if for some reason you were possessed with the desire to read Harry Potter fanfiction without having actually read the Harry Potter books, this story is not for you. Feedback appreciated.
Once upon a time there was a lovely girl named Hermione Granger. She was not a normal girl. No. She was a WITCH!
This made her very happy. She got to go to school with her two bestest friends, Ron and Harry. They were friends.
They had lots of very fun adventures and eventually they got to their seventh year.
It was going to be a very important year, Hermione could just tell. Especially because… SHE WAS MADE HEAD GIRL!
Everyone was very much surprised about this, despite the fact that Hermione was the top of her class and never got in trouble, because those are not the qualities anyone looks for in a Head Girl.
No, the only qualities people look for in a Head Girl are the fact that she got her OWN PRIVATE ROOMS! This was very, very exciting and entertaining and enjoyable and efficacious and energizing and exercising and all sorts of other words that start with the letter 'E' but are otherwise completely unrelated to the subject at hand!
One day when she was at Hogwarts (the train ride, opening feast, sorting, inspirational speech made by Dumbledore despite the fact that he's dead, various classes on the first day of school, a mysterious plot beginning to arise, and Snape generally being evil and horrible and teaching potions again because what happened in Half-Blood Prince isn't relevant at all are completely unimportant and will not be mentioned past this point) she suddenly realized… That the Head Boy was none other than BLAISE ZABINI! Hermione was very stunned by this fact. She never would have guessed, even though he was sharing the room RIGHT NEXT TO HER! Hermione also discovered that IT WAS VERY FUN to express herself in ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS! She RESOLVED to do it MORE OFTEN! It was just THAT FUN! She was so DISTRACTED that she DID NOT EVEN NOTICE that BLAISE ZABINI was performing a RAUNCHY STRIP TEASE right IN FRONT OF HER! Suddenly, Hermione got bored with caps and exclamation points and looked up.
"Blaise," she said.
"What?" he said.
"You're performing a raunchy strip tease right in front of me," she said.
"Well, that I am," he said.
"Oh," she said.
"I am obviously trying to seduce you," he said.
"I am obviously not being seduced," she said.
Suddenly, Blaise burst into very loud very noisy very wet tears. "Nobody understands me!" he said.
Hermione didn't say anything because she thought she might gag if the word 'said' was used one more time.
"I'm all alone and angst-ridden," he gasped, because a thesaurus had magically appeared.
"It's all right!" Hermione cried, and she wiped Blaise's tears away and looked deeply into his eyes, which were changing from violet (not purple. violet.) to green to red to yellow to bright neon orange faster than she could even see, because Blaise's eyes are NEVER a normal color.
"I'm secretly in love with you Blaise and I have been my entire life even though I just realized you were even part of the story five minutes ago but it doesn't matter you are my soul mate and I love you forever and ever and then some!"
"Hermione," Blaise said very seriously, "I can't be with you."
"But why?" she cried. "I have just declared my never-ending, undying love for you!"
"I know. But…" And Blaise whipped off the elaborate spy-costume he had been wearing revealing that, in fact, he was… a GIRL!
"Oh my Merlin!" Screamed Hermione. She was quite startled by the fact that the Head Boy was a girl, but recovered quickly. "Oh, you poor thing, you must be suffering from the common disease known as 'Uthor-aay Id-day Ot-nay Other-bay O-tay Heck-cay He-tay Exicon-lay O-tay Onfirm-cay Our-yay Ender-gay.' It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will sort you out in no time." And he, er, she, er… Blaise? (who was suddenly dressed in a pink frilly dress while wearing massive amounts of black eyeliner) skipped out the door while swearing violently.
However, Hermione did not have to suffer through the loneliness of being Head Girl by herself for very long. In fact, that very night they found a replacement… One DRACO MALFOY! Hermione vaguely wondered why she was constantly being forced to suffer through all these sex-goddy gender/sexuality confused Slytherin guys, but soon forgot her troubles when a brilliant idea hit her.
Hermione, being the smart smart witch she was, knew the secret to making Draco a really good person. All she had to do was make him reveal that he was really a good, suffering, angsty, charitable person on the inside and that he only pretended to be a meanie so that everyone could throw random insults at him when they were feeling angry and thereby lower the number of homicides committed on a day-to-day basis at Hogwarts. The answer to making him reveal that he was a really a good, suffering, angsty, charitable person would be found in… MAKING HIM PLAY TRUTH OR DARE! Hermione knew it would work, because if Hermione picked up one of the many random truth-telling objects that could be found littered around the corridors of Hogwarts she could be sure that Draco wasn't lying.
So the next night Hermione invited all her good friends (namely Harry, Ron, Ginny, Lavender, Parvati, Patma, Pansy, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Cormac, Luna, Rose Zeller, Romilda Vane, Katie, Katie's friend that no one remembers the name of, Cho, Marietta, Zacharias Smith, Rose Zeller, Michael Corner, Anthony Goldstein, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott, Ernie Macmillan, Rose Zeller, Collin and Dennis Creevey, Rachael Turpin, the gender confused Blaise, Pansy, Crabbe, Goyle, Viktor Krum (because he goes to Hogwarts), all active members of the Gilderoy Lockhart fan-club, various Mary Sues named after the author's friends, and Severus Snape). Hermione was very popular.
They all sat down in a rather large circle as there were a rather a lot of people. Then suddenly most of them disappeared because the author can't be bothered to remember all of their names.
"Alright!" said Hermione excitedly. "Who's ready to play some truth or dare!"
"I'd rather jump in a vat of metallic gold paint and then take a field trip to the nearest niffler colony," intoned Snape.
"Well," exclaimed Hermione, "Wouldn't that just be a super exciting way to end your life!"
"Life," droned Snape, "Don't talk to me about life."
Harry picked up super rare magical TRUTH ROCK they had found in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and threw it at Snape's head. It collided with a pleasantly loud thwack and Snape fell over dead. Harry cackled evilly.
"HARRY!" Hermione screamed. "YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND KILLING TEACHERS!"
"Why not? Dumbledore doesn't care what he does. Oh yes, everyone just loves the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Have-His- Personality- Massacred-On-A-Daily-Basis-By-Freakishly-Bad-Wanna-Be-Writers-Who-Think-They-Are-Funnier-Than-They-Actually-Are," sneered Draco.
"Be quiet, ferret," said Harry coolly.
"Like you have any say in what I do, four eyes," sneered Draco.
"Well at least my hair isn't congealed to my head with the wax of a thousand candles," said Harry coolly.
"Well at least my friends aren't poor," sneered Draco.
"I'LL PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT YOU…" screamed Ron.
"I'LL PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT YOU…" screamed Hermione.
"THAT'S MY LINE SMARTYPANTS!" screamed Ron.
Hermione gasped and burst into tears at the horrible terribleness of the insult that had been directed towards her. (Apparently, being seventeen and head girl and having been through hundreds of stressful, traumatizing experiences doesn't actually, like, provide her with a backbone.)
"Well I bet your friends don't have insults like that," said Harry coolly.
Draco spluttered for a moment. This was true. Crabbe and Goyle did not have extremely witty and hurtful insults such as smartypants. In fact, they did not have normal witty and hurtful insults. They did not even have witty insults. They did not even have hurtful insults. THEY DID NOT EVEN HAVE ANY INSULTS AT ALL!
Draco shrieked and stormed out of the room.
"Ha," said Harry coolly.