Look Over Here :: こっち向いて

If anybody ever really considered it, everyone was a little broken - not so much, not very - but beneath everything, there were still those memories which they wished to forget, and because they all had a silent agreement never to ask, most times, most days, they did.

But if it ever came down to it - not that it ever did, since no one particularly wished for anymore memories than those they already have - people would most likely say that out of their whole messed-up group of misfits, the most normal (ignoring what that meant) one would undoubtably be Okita Souji.

Sure, he was childish, and he liked to tease others more than was healthy for him (especially when a certain demon fukuchou was involved), but all in all, he was pretty much normal. No particularly troubling childhood, no permanent disabilities, no murderous father-uncle out for revenge - all in all, as normal as anyone was likely to get within the Shinsengumi.

Which is why when Saito first found him sitting out on the porch, leaning back on his arms and a strangely melancholic expression on his face, on a cold winter night, the usually stoic man was quietly surprised. It was, of course, not the sitting that worried him though, considering that Okita was very much like a cat and could be found stretched out on the porch almost any fine day when he was not required to go on patrol. No, it was the expression on his face as he sat there which made Saito frown. It was almost... tired looking.

Noiselessly moving forward and settling himself down next to Okita, Saito voiced his surprise.

Starting a little, the other man turned to look at him, green eyes brightening when he saw who it was. "It's not very nice to creep up on others like that, Saito-kun," Okita smiled lopsidedly, light brown hair falling across his eyes as he tilted his head.

"I wasn't creeping up on you," came the even reply. "What are you doing up at this time of night?"

"Just thinking." His smile turned sly. "Why, Saito-kun, are you worried about me? I'm honored."

"Don't change the subject," Saito replied, dark-eyed gaze never leaving the other's face and reacting to the teasing with barely a flicker of his lashes.

Okita sighed exaggeratedly, breath clouding slightly in the night air, and leaned sideways to rest his head against a wooden pillar, the smile slipping off his face. "Ma, you're no fun. Couldn't you at least have pretended to play along?" He pouted.

Saito turned to look at him, expression unreadable.

After a few more moments of silence, Okita finally spoke without looking at him, voice soft and serious. "Ne, Saito-kun, haven't you ever wondered why?" His words escaped him like a faint breath, and he turned his face away.

"Why?" Saito repeated, not quite understanding.

"Yes, why?" Okita turned to fix his gaze on the violet haired man next to him. "Why do we have to live like this, Saito-kun? We take lives so easily, yet who was it that gave us this right?" He lifted his hands out before his face, and although his skin was pale in the light of the moon, it was almost as though he could see nothing but blood.

Saito was quiet for a few moments, as though seriously considering the question, before saying in his usual emotionless tone, "No one, no one has the right to pass judgement on another, and because of our worthless human idiosyncrasies, we fight for none but ourselves, to protect that which is important to us."

"Always so cruel, Saito-kun," Okita sang, the smile coming back to his lips.

"There is no need to spend so much time thinking about these things," the other man replied. "If this is the path we had chosen, then we have no right to question - and it is too late."

"Ah, I know," Okita agreed, propping his head on one hand. "But sometimes I cannot help it. After all, every time we kill, it is never just an enemy that dies. The price of our actions is a never-ending cycle hatred, and I wonder - is it a price too high for us to bear the burden?"

Saito turned to look at him, gaze contemplative. He had never known that the childish captain of the first squad would think so much, but it was also no secret within the Shinsengumi that Okita Souji was extremely intelligent, so Saito did voice his thoughts.

"They, like us, are fighting for something also," he said quietly, "and if they are not strong enough to protect that something, then they will die. It is the way of war. And whether or not we can bear the burden - only time can tell."

"Do we have time, Saito-kun?"

Saito did not turn to look at him this time when he answered. "No one does."

Okita laughed, the soft sound unexpectedly tugging at something in Saito's heart, making him frown. "Your impassiveness is upsetting sometimes, Saito-kun," Okita teased.

There was no reply, and Okita found the other man looking at him strangely.

"What is it?"

Saito looked away. "Nothing."

If the cold response hurt him, Okita did not show it, but the conversation fell away afterwards, and in the companionable silence, Okita leaned back so that he was lying on the cold wooden floor and staring up at the sky.

"Ne, Saito-kun," he said softly, "You are a lot like the moon, aren't you?"

From the corner of his eye, he saw the other turn to look at him with slight surprise in his gaze. "What do you mean?"

"You're always so cold and distant," he murmured. "Although we can see you, no one ever knows what you are thinking. And you never tell them either."

"No, I don't," Saito agreed quietly, his voice emotionless.

You see what I mean? Okita thought but did not say, stretching out an arm as though if he only reached far enough, his fingers could brush the moon hanging indifferent in the sky.

"But aren't you lonely sometimes?"

"No."

His fingers clenched and withdrew. "It is a little sad, I think." Okita curled up slightly on his side, smiling faintly so Saito could not see.

"You're so cruel, Hajime-kun."

:::

News; Letters :: 音沙汰

There are somedays when Hijikata would think about the things which Chizuru had brought with her, and today was one of those days. It was winter, like the time when she had first come to them, and he remembered how she had once said that the falling snow had looked like a storm of beautiful, unseasonal cherry blossoms.

He smiled. He had never thought about things that way. Such romanticism had no place in the lives of the Shinsengumi, in fact, it was discouraged. They lived in dangerous times, and their work was a cruel and ruthless one - for both their victims and themselves. Such idealism would have been delusional, and indeed fatal if dwelt too long upon.

But Chizuru was different. She was not one of the Shinsengumi, and even if she had been, he doubted if she would give up her quixotic (if a bit foolish and unrealistic) dreams.

"Heisuke! Come back here Heisuke!"

Watching her chase the boy around in an attempt to get him to return to the infirmary, Hijikata felt a fond smile grow on his lips. Heisuke had once commented that he was too lenient on her, but then, who wasn't?

Even Saito, as cold and unapproachable as he was, seemed to be genuinely fond of her, and could sometimes be found sitting next to her in the garden when she had finished her chores for the day, the two of them quietly watching the sky in companionable silence.

Although, of course, that didn't make Hijikata feel very special at all, but it was just some part of Chizuru's personality which helped her understand others so easily, and for people to open up to her too. Knowing this didn't necessarily mean he could overlook things like Harada's flirting anytime soon, but at least he no longer felt the urge to incapacitate anyone who looked at her too long.

This was also what Okita had once teasingly called a 'remarkable accomplishment' and nearly had himself bedridden for a week. Not that he ever learnt.

"Hijikata-san." The soft voice called him back to the present, and turning to look, he was surprised to see Chizuru standing next to him, a tray of tea in her hands.

"Where's Heisuke?" he asked, motioning for her to sit down next to him, wondering when she had appeared, and deciding that it didn't matter.

"Shinpatchi-san helped me find him," she explained, "And I somehow managed to drag him back to the infirmary. Really," she huffed, "He should look after himself more. I can't be running after everyone all the time."

Hijikata nearly laughed at that, finding the miffed expression on her face extremely endearing, but stopped himself just in time, knowing it was only going to earn him a scolding from her. Instead, he allowed himself to smile fondly.

"What would we do without you," he agreed, watching as she blushed at the words.

"I'm just doing my job," she protested. "It's really nothing much!"

"Is that what you think? But who would look after the injured men if you weren't here?" he asked. "And who would bring us tea? Or return Heisuke to the infirmary?"

Her brown eyes widened. "B-but, Hijikata-san! I'm sure-"

"-someone else would do it?" He lifted an eyebrow. "You give yourself too little credit, Chizuru." Then, seeing the flustered look on her face, he finally allowed himself to laugh, all the while knowing that it was undeniably mean of him to have teased her like this, but unable to help himself.

She pouted. "You're worse than Okita-san sometimes."

It was obviously not a compliment, but watching her determinedly drinking her tea and ignoring him, Hijikata felt his gaze soften. Heisuke was right - he was too easy on her - yet he could never seem to bring himself to mind.

"Have you had any news of your father?" he asked after a while, and seeing the worry fill her expression, he knew immediately that she had not.

"There was some mention of him by the civilians we met during the patrols, but they are either too afraid to talk, or saw him so long ago that it is of little help. Do you think he will be okay?" She was trying to hide her anxiety from him, he could tell, but the way she tightened her grip on her cup gave her away immediately.

"I'm sure he will be alright," he said reassuringly. "Your father probably just doesn't wish to involve you in his affairs. After it is over, he will definitely return."

Chizuru gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Hijikata-san. You're very kind."

He blinked, unaccustomed to having such a description applied to himself. "You think too much," he replied. Hearing her soft laughter, he felt himself smile as well, glad that for now, at least, she was no longer worrying.

Relaxing slightly, he looked out across the snow covered pond, feeling the cold winter wind against his face and thinking about another time much like this one. After all, it was also days like this that Hijikata would think about the things which had brought Chizuru here.

It was but a letter which had taken her from her home in Edo to the Shinsengumi, so what would it take to bring her away again? Hijikata hoped that he would never have to find out, but he also knew that she would go wherever the wind brought her, searching for her lost Father, and that he would be foolish to think that he could follow when the time came.

Watching silently, he saw Harada shout from down the corridor that Heisuke had made a break for freedom again. Seeing Chizuru leap to her feet at that and hesitate slightly with a glance in his direction, he gave a barely perceptible nod of acquiescence.

Yes, it was days like this that he wished would continue forever, but as she bowed and ran away, he knew he wished for too much.

:::

Our Distance and That Person :: キミとボクのキョリとアノコ

For those who lived in those last days, there was never any doubt that the Edo Era would soon collapse into dust. But why they would continue to support a fast deteriorating time of the Shogunate, even they did not really know, and their only answer would have been a smile and a shrug.

Or so Okita thought. That would have been his answer at least, but that wouldn't have been the truth. He knew that he fought for nothing more than 'home' - the place where he had belonged ever since he was young - for Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, for Chizuru and Saito and everyone else. But no one would have accepted this answer, he knew, because, really, how could such common sentiment lead to so much bloodshed? They would not have understood, and they needed someone to blame, so Okita preferred to let them imagine what reasons they will, so that when the Shinsengumi inevitably failed and collapsed, the common people would have a cause for rejoicing.

He did not care much for politics, or for war - no one really did. And this was perhaps the reason why even upon the battlefield, they flew their red banner high in the wind. It was to tell the New Government Army and the Aizu Clan and those who cared to take notice that they stood below no one, and that they would never bow down in submission to an era which would take away that which they were fighting to protect. It was their pride and their courage.

Hijikata had once said that no Shinsengumi needed permission, ever, to carry their flag of Sincerity because it was a conviction which had no master, but was the creed of those who had fought side by side and survived. If Okita ever agreed with him on anything, this would have been it.

But perhaps that was where he had went wrong. Lying motionless on the ground, the blood staining his clothes and skin and white hair, Okita found that the only thing he could think about was that he wished he had their flag with him then.

It was lonely in the silent battleground, and he wondered where Hijikata-san was. Hijikata-san who had been with him for so long and whom he had abandoned. He almost missed the days when their fukuchou would chase after him in an attempt to get him to actually do some training. He smiled slightly.

So very, very far away. They were all so very far away. Where were they now? Where were those days back before the war? Before Chizuru and the Shinsengumi. Before Saito and their flag.

He might have regretted ever stepping onto this blood-stained path, had he known all the things he would come to love and lose. But he knew that even had he been able to live this life over a hundred different times, he would have chosen no other 'perhaps if'.

The cold wind passed over his face, but he barely felt it. He never would have thought that he would die alone, but perhaps it did not matter. Looking back at all those times, he knew that he could smile at them and remember that those days were fun too.

If only-

He closed his eyes, tired and weary from all the fighting and bloodshed.

There in the darkness, he could see their flag again, flying high and proud in the wind. Red like blood, like fire and war and sunrise.

How could they die? How could any of them die?

Immortalized by their conviction which lived in all who fought to protect that which they must.

Sincerity.

They were never all that far away.

:::

A/N: Three short one shots I found sitting in my computer. Hoped you liked them. I haven't had much time to really look through for spelling/grammar mistakes (which I am notorious for), so please do review if you spot any! ^^

The pieces are mostly Hijikata/Chizuru and Saito/Okita (but only if you squint). I'll probably add on more later (three per chapter). For those who would like to request a specific pairing (like Kazama/Toudou o.O) please message me, and I'll try to write them as soon as possible. They will probably get more explicit later though (not as in M - at least I don't think so - but less hinted).

Love,

MoonMyst