Welcome to Save You. Okay, it's a bit like Reflections and totally different. I did my best. Feel free to leave advice and criticism. Amu x Ikuto. Okay. I did research panic disorders, so it's not just facts I came up with. Review if you like it please. Amu has her own sense of humor, even it it's mostly in her head.
I don't own Shugo Chara!
Panic disorders strike without reason. Symptoms include difficulty breathing, chest pain, pounding heart, intense feelings of dread, sensation of choking, or smothering, dizziness, feeling faint, trembling, shaking, sweating, nausea, numbness in fingers and toes, chills, hot flashes, fear you are losing control, or may die.
Midori felt tears slide down her face. She looked at her daughter who was watching TV silently. Her food was beside her on the floor, untouched. Her daughter no longer had an appetite; she didn't talk as much and she was always stuck in her mind. Amu is thirteen years old. Today was the first day home from the hospital.
It had been two months since Midori quit her job to stay with Amu, so nothing bad could ever happen again. In those two months, her daughter had her birthday, but that day she never came down from her room. She stared ahead with a blank stare, passing her parents every day.
Midori turned back to the computer screen.
Agoraphobia is the fear of being where an attack can occur, or where escape is difficult, or highly embarrassing. This can cause the person to avoid public places and crowds. He / She may not even leave their home. One-third of the people with Panic Disorder will develop this fear.
It sounded too much like her daughter and it terrified her. At least what was happening to her daughter had a name, and there were treatments. If only Amu would accept the help. She was not on medication. The doctor had told them he didn't believe it would be wise to give her medications, like anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medications. Not when she was this young. It was like an endless string of counselors, but she didn't want to talk about anything and she was adamant about not talking to anyone.
The anxiety was terrible though. Her husband took Amu shopping last week at the mall, something she used to love. She begged to leave almost instantly. Her daughter wouldn't tell her why, but she knew Amu was avoiding specific people. A mall was a perfect place for them to appear.
They were preparing to move to six hours away. A job was open for her husband and they wanted nothing more to move Amu away from this place.
Without treatment, Panic Disorder has serious consequences. The person will avoid anything that scares them. An anxiety attack can happen just because they're worried when the next attack will happen. Claustrophobia. These consequences can feel like they're destroying your life.
Her mother swallowed and put her head down on her arms while she cried. This was all she did every day, searching for ways to understand and help her daughter. What were they going to do if Amu wouldn't cooperate?
Four years later. Tokyo, Japan.
Being the new kid can go one of two ways. Either the popular kids are going to take you under their wind, or the less popular kids befriended you. That's been my experience. It's always the latter. I'm more likely to tear someone's head off before lunch here.
Let me explain. I spent my elementary and middle school years here. It was time to be a senior, and the worst thing happened. We had to come back. My brother lives here in his own apartment. Some of the kids here were alright, or my friends even. The majority of them jumped on the bandwagon of bullying me.
My hands turned white as I gripped the steering wheel. In elementary school it's petty stuff. It hurt though since I was a little kid. It was stuff like being picked last for teams, laughing at my hair, or clothes, or just hearing them talk about me. I didn't know what I did to them. I always tried to be nice, and I'm gullible, which makes it worse.
That hasn't changed at all.
One boy though locked me in a closet. It was fourth grade, and all I did was cry. I didn't know how to take up for myself. I know how to now, but I'm too scared to. I usually say the wrong things, which spark an argument I can't handle. Locking me in a closet was meant to be a joke. That stupid teacher bought it.
I hate enclosed spaces because of that.
It got worse in middle school. I took an interest in the opposite sex and its downhill from there. Gullible should be my middle name because I'd fall for anything. I'm smarter now, but in middle school I was desperate for friends. I chose to believe what they said, believing that if I went along with it, they'd be nice.
Wrong.
It's an easy task to manipulate my emotions. Hell, I let them do it in hopes they'd stop treating me like shit. It didn't work. If it did work, I wouldn't be so screwed up now.
Girls like me could avoid so much hurt, if they'd just stop believing anything they hear.
I'm clumsy, tripping over flat surfaces, dropping my books. That kind of clumsy. I get embarrassed easily too. On top of that, bad luck follows me around. My mom used to say I wouldn't have any luck if I didn't have bad luck.
Eighth grade was my last year in Tokyo, and that year my journal "fell" out of my backpack. Bullshit. Saaya probably dug through my bag just to find something.
Tadase was his name and he was my crush. I thought the stars appeared for him and all of that. Well, I learned that is not true and he is definitely an asshole. He made fun of me. I cringe when it's brought up I like my tormentor. Tadase would be nice to me for a bit just to get my hopes up. The next day he was laughing at me.
Saaya reading my journal out loud at lunch is a memory that's burned in my brain. So is the look on her face when I shoved her off that stupid table. I remember being livid before I ran out crying.
My parents didn't know. My brother didn't live with us then. Kukai lived with our grandparents for a long time. It isn't because he hated us; he just didn't want to go to Osaka. I convinced out parents to let him be.
The worst part, the part that made us move, haunts me still. I don't like to think about it. It traumatized me and I've been in and out of counseling offices, doctor's offices and the like ever since. I know it hurt my parents and siblings. It's the worst part. I know that I made the wrong choice by telling the police I didn't want those kids to get in trouble. I was afraid of them, even if I was in a hospital bed. I was twelve when it happened.
People I meet wonder what happened to make me so crazy, having anxiety attacks so suddenly and all the time. I'm not ready to say it out loud.
"Introduce yourself." She motioned towards the class. There's a familiar face. Saaya. I cringed inside. This already looked terrible. Kukai sat beside a blonde girl who was smiling at me. It's Utau.
"My name is Amu Hinamori." My voice should have been louder. It was weak and timid. At least I wouldn't stand out if I stayed to myself. "Kukai is my brother." My hand motioned to him without my permission. "I moved here from Osaka."
It's better to leave out the part that I went here before.
"Take a seat behind Ikuto." A boy with familiar blue hair raised his hand. My teacher is a sweet lady with a nice smile, but I really want to glare at her right now.
She sat me right behind the boy who locked me in a closet and caused my first panic attack. Bad luck follows me for sure. With my eyes cast downward, I moved down the aisle, trying to not hit anyone with my bag. It slides down my arm as I take my seat.
It was uncomfortable here. My stomach twisted into knots and my eyes caught Saaya staring at me. I watched discreetly until recognition befalls her. Well, isn't that dandy? Queen bitch knows who I am before second period.
In my head, I'm witty, sarcastic and I usually have good comebacks. Then I actually think about saying something like that and fear wells up inside me. In a situation with Saaya, if that happened, she would keep droning on while panic clawed its way through my body.
I'd really like it if I didn't have a panic attack on the first day.
Our teacher, Mrs. Ichinose I think, passed out worksheets and left us to our work. "Amu, have you read this?" She showed me a book. It's a classic. I nod, earning a smile. "Alright, I was worried you'd get behind. Can you handle these then?" I took a look at the worksheets. It's simple stuff really.
"Yeah, I'll be fine." She walked down the aisle, smacking a ruler down on my brother's desk. He jumps and stares at her in fear.
"Kukai, I'd appreciate it if you stop flirting with Ms. Tsukiyomi." He turned red.
Half the hour passed without me noticing. That's until a pale hand nudged my arm and I looked up to find Ikuto staring at me. "Do you need something?" it came out harsher than I intended. He kept staring and it was a little creepy.
"You look really familiar. Have we met?" Saaya's eyes were burning holes into me.
"You could say that." I said, scribbling another answer down.
"Okay.." He trailed off. "Could I borrow a pen?"
"Sure," I bit my tongue so as not to say something rude. He's just asking for a pen, Amu, don't rip his throat out. I handed it to him.
"Did you go here before?" I nodded slowly. He'd know if I'm lying. Lying is not my specialty. "When?"
"Until eighth grade. My name is Amu." He looked at me blankly. He wasn't very bright, was he? "I'll give you a hint. You locked me in a closet." Regret filled me as soon as I said that. "We didn't talk. You just talked about me."
Memories finally dawned on him. He looked at me horrified. His eyes are wide with shock. "That was you?" No, I'm just saying it for kicks. If I repeated a third of the things I think, I'd have to schedule people appointments to kick my ass. I nodded again. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, okay." I scoffed.
"Yeah, I wouldn't believe me either." A pencil hit me in the head. I turned to see Saaya smirking. One of these days, I'll kick the shit out of her before my head convinces me otherwise.
"Stop acting nice to me, okay. Bullies don't just feel sorry. So if you're really sorry, just let me be." I looked down.
My original plan was to act shy and timid. If I did that, I'd get walked on all over again. My temper is worse than it was as a twelve year old. There wasn't a chance in hell I could be nice to someone who did that to me.
Another pencil hit me. It's not that it hurt me. It's that it annoyed the hell out of me. The pencil in my hand snapped.
"She's not going to stop." He told me.
"Yeah, I caught that." Sarcasm filled my tone. Bantering is easy. Standing up for myself is not.
"I could tell her to stop?" It was phrased as a question. I shook my head. "Why don't you?" I shrug my shoulders under his gaze. "She'll be like last time if you don't."
"Let her. I'm a big girl. So leave me alone and I'll be fine."
He didn't leave me alone. He didn't stalk me around the school either. Every time he saw me he waved at me, or said hi, Amu! I cringed as I stood with Kukai and his girlfriend in the lunch line. She snickered at my expression. "You don't like him?" My brother asked.
"He locked me in the closet." I picked up my tray.
"I'm gonna-" He started.
"You're gonna go sit down at that empty table, eat and get yourself in trouble." His girlfriend spoke with force.
A smile came across my face. "I like you," I told her, causing her face to light up. "She's a keeper."
"So, if you don't mind me asking, who are the people who bullied you?" Utau asked. "I'm sorry!" She said when I put my head down. "You don't have to answer."
"No, it's okay. I guess it wouldn't be fair for you to be left out of the loop. Saaya was the leader of the pack. Tadase and Ikuto, too. The rest of them were just followers really."
"Did Ikuto really bully you?" Utau asked.
"He locked me in the closet and it was his idea. He caused my first panic attack, but besides that he was just following his friends. Why?"
"Ikuto is my brother." She left me speechless. Utau smiled though. "I talked to him about a girl that went here and left because of bullying. He told me he did feel bad for what he did."
"Ikuto doesn't know what happened that day either." Kukai told me. "He has no idea. Utau told me she wouldn't tell him."
"How does he not know?"
"Like you, he moved away for a year. Our mom was in Paris. I stayed with her, so we never met. He moved away right before the other things happened. We moved back after a year and it wasn't mentioned."
"Amu, I'm not sure if even Saaya knows. You told the police you didn't want to get them in trouble. That was stupid. Dad told me they had an assembly about bullying, but it didn't get in the news."
"I'm tired of calling it 'it', or 'that', or 'what happened'. I tried to kill myself. Let's just say what it is." An uncomfortable feeling settled over me. I hate to say it like that. It's what it is though, despite how awkward.
"I don't judge you for that." Utau said. "I don't want you to think that I care about things you did. I just met you, but you should know that you can talk to me. I can keep a secret. You should know something else too though. You'll never get rid of Ikuto now. I think he might actually want to help."
"I don't believe that and I don't trust him."
"I won't ask you too."
"How did it go for Amu today?" Ami asked, taking a bite of pasta. Amu was already asleep upstairs. Naps are a past time for her. "Also, Dad isn't home. He's gone to some seminar."
"Of course he has." The oldest grumbled. "She had an okay day. Utau is Ikuto's sister. As you know she is my girlfriend. Ikuto is the kid that locked Amu in a closet." Ami chuckled.
"That's her luck. So there really are such things as evil twins." She chewed her food after taking another bite. Later, she's waking her sister and making her eat dinner. She can eat like a man, but doesn't eat much anymore.
"Actually, he won't leave her alone now that he knows who she is." Ami's eyes widened. "Utau's convinced he wants to help and make up for what he did. But Amu is not having that. She grumbled about him all day."
"You know, if she was really freaked out about seeing him though, she'd have had a panic attack. So I guess she isn't capable of holding the grudge."
"Don't be so sure. She said she'd decapitate Saaya if she threw one more pencil at her."
Ami snickered. "It's like they never left elementary."
"I'm worried about her." Kukai said, settling into what they really wanted to talk about. "Eventually, those kids will find out about her trying to kill herself and they're going to use it against her." She sighed, pushing her plate away. "She acted cool and strong today, but we know she's just hiding."
"She can't help it. Amu puts up walls and from what I know from you and Dad, Amu has acted like that since she was twelve. I can't remember very well. I was eight."
"She was starting to be happier again. We all saw it. Dad let up some too."
"Mom was smiling again too." She said bitterly. "I miss her."
"I know." He enveloped her in a tight hug. "We all do. Are you okay? You don't talk about your feelings much."
"Yeah."
The two sisters are the same. Amu is acting strong while Ami is being strong for her. They hold each other up.
So... If you read Reflections, this is kind of like it with the emotions and all. So, I hope you really liked it.
-Kelsey.