Episode 1: I feel like my life ain't mine

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

Nagisa sat there quietly, trying not to move. His hand slided down, beside his chair where he stored his gun. The moment Koro-sensei turned around to continue writing on the blackboard, he stood up. The rest of the class joined him. All of them held up their guns. Koro-sensei looked surprised, but confident as well. For one second the room was filled with silence. Then Nagisa gave the order to shoot. But their attack failed, just like the others before. It looked like it didn't help that there were more of them this time. The class was disappointed.

After the lesson, their teacher left in order to get some food. Nagisa left the class room as well. He had to meet with some of his classmates, Terasaka, Muramatsu and Yoshida. They have told him to find out more about Koro-sensei, and now they wanted to hear his findings. But it turned out that they just came up with a new plan for an assassination. A plan that was actually very dangerous for Nagisa himself. They wanted him to try a suicide attack. Well, he wasn't sure if it would really kill him, but it was possible. "Just think about the money", the others told him. "Your family needs it. But they don't need you." Maybe they were right, Nagisa thought. Especially his mother didn't miss a chance to show him her embarrassment. And he didn't really have another choice. Nagisa didn't have much self-esteem, and sometimes he thought about his life as it was worth nothing.

All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it

I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

And my life don't even matter, I know it, I know it

I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it

I never had a place to call my own

I never had a home, ain't nobody callin' my phone

Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?

They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

So during the next lesson, he just stood up and went forward to the blackboard. First he attacked with a knife so he could confuse his teacher, then he just jumped towards him. His class was shocked, and it was so silent that he could even here the quiet sound of Terasaka pressing the button.

But the plan didn't work. Koro-sensei saved Nagisa, and threatened the three who planned the assassination. Nagisa wasn't sure if he should feel glad that he was still alive or disappointed that the attack failed. He came to the conclusion that he was both. Something about his life deranged him. He wasn't sure yet what it was. He felt lonely. His family didn't support him, but he was used to that. His only friend, Kayano, couldn't spent much time with him. They only had time to talk on their way to school and back home. And right now he didn't feel like talking to Kayano. He knew that she would ask him about why he did try the suicide attack. And he didn't even know the answer. So they just climbed down the hills quietly. Nagisa was grateful for the silence. But he knew that Kayano would break it, sooner or later. And she did. "Nagisa-kun, I know you don't wanna talk about it. But I want to, and I'll just be so selfish and ask you what the hell you did today", Kayano asked. Nagisa looked at her, trying to keep up. Kayano usually walked very slowly, but not when she was angry. "Do you believe me when I tell you that I don't know it either?", Nagisa inquired. His friend looked at him with a worried facial expression. "Not really", she said, slowing down a little. After a few moments of silence she added "You need to stand up for yourself, Nagisa-kun. It seems like you only do what the others tell you to do. And I don't think that's good. It's your life. Do what you want. And don't waste it." Nagisa lowered his head. He knew Kayano was right. He didn't know what to respond. Their ways separated a few minutes later.

After supper and doing his homework, Nagisa fell onto his bed, staring up to the ceiling. Something was wrong. He could feel it. Something was missing. He didn't know what it was, but he was sure that once it has been there. Now there was only a void. An empty space that once was filled with something that brought him calmness, a peace of mind. He couldn't remember since when he felt that way, but he was sure that he avoided facing it for some time. But no longer. He will find what was missing. He will feel better. Or at least something, anything. His eyes started to close. Nagisa felt his consciousness drifting away. Something was missing. Or was it someone?