A/N: This is my first spockxkirk fanfic XD It is set between the episodes "The City On The Edge Of Forever" and "Operation: Annihilate". I hope you enjoy ^_^
The electronic door swished open revealing darkened living quarters. Spock stepped inside but did not venture far into the room. Half a dozen feet away slumped in one of the seats by the dining table was Captain James T Kirk. His head rose slightly as if acknowledging Spock's presence but his crumpled form did not shift beyond that. Spock's arms, folded neatly behind his back, tensed at this sight. His voice betrayed no emotion.
"You wanted to see me Captain" he spoke. Jim turned his body towards Spock. Spock could not pick his expression for all the shadows that lay across the room in strips.
"Yes. Please come in" Jim's usually honeyed tone was weak and hollow.
Spock complied stepping in further but did not make for Jim's side. Over the last few days since their return from the past Jim had progressively distanced himself from the crew till finally retreating into the complete solitude of his quarters. He had handed command over to Spock sighting the need for rest as his reason for absence. This had not been a problem since Starfleet had scheduled some shore leave for the crew months ago. However Spock knew fatigue was not the only power at work in Jim's absence. He attempted to give the captain as much room as possible in accordance with the behaviour he'd exhibited during the past days. After some silence Spock decided to speak
"Are you feeling well Captain?" he prompted as if reminding Jim of his presence. A tired sigh escaped into the quiet room.
"No. Not particularly" he answered. Spock was not sure of how to proceed. He speculated that humour would not be sufficient to lift Jim's troubled frame. He opted instead for an attempt at aid.
"Shall I get Doctor McCoy?" Spock asked.
"No thank you" his voice called again and Spock shifted his weight. Buried deep behind walls and barriers in his mind concern for this man stained his typically clear heart.
"Then can I offer assistance in any way?" a touch of this emotion reverberated in Spock's voice. He winced internally at his weakness.
"Not really. To be honest I don't know why I called you down here because you can't help and you can't sympathise" Jim reviewed the situation grimly.
If he had not called Spock to help him and if Spock was unable to sympathise he began to wonder for what reason the quiet captain had called him at all. Spock began his mental calculations again. Perhaps the answer to restoring his mood was in discovering what the cause of this discontent was.
"Are you unhappy about Miss Keeler?" Spock asked evenly.
"Yes" the Captain answered as if the breath had been taken from his throat.
Spock deduced that perhaps the Captain was grieving his choice of preventing her being saved and was looking for assurance that it was the right judgment.
"You had to let her die captain you had no other choice. It was the only logical decision" Spock tried to tell him. Jim's hand, hanging by his side, balled into a fist.
"Spock I'm quite frankly sick of your attitude" His fragile tone had become thin and stretched.
"Captain?" Spock asked confused. As if lighting a fuse the word set Jim off. He banged his fist onto the table before standing bolt up.
"I'm sick of hearing that answer from you. It was logical. It was logical. Peace cannot always be found in logicality Mr. Spock. Even you know it to be true. You loved Leila. You where saddened to leave her. You can feel emotion no matter how much the Vulcan in you presses it down and stomps it out" The Captain raged marching over to shout almost directly in Spock's face. Spock noted as he walked his steps where clumsy and unsure most likely attributes of a lack of nutrition. Upon seeing his face in the light lack of sleep was added as another possible cause of the Captains worryingly extensive fatigue. His bronzed skin had taken on a terrible pallor and darkness was etched around his eyes.
"While I did harbour feelings of affection for Leila they would not have moved me at all had it not been for the spores. In a sense those feelings where not real. They where created by the plants. Under normal circumstances I would not have sought any kind of relationship with her" Spock explained.
"That is not the point!" Jim snarled almost desperately.
"Then what is Captain?" Spock asked delivering the question with complete composure.
"You say you feel nothing" he stated.
"I do not allow my feelings to reach the surface. Hence I feel nothing," Spock agreed.
"Very well if this is true perform the Vulcan Mind-meld" Jim replied curtly.
"Pardon?" Spock asked.
"Don't you see? It will settle this illogicality speech of yours once and for all. If you speak the truth I should feel none of your emotions" He reasoned out. Spock wondered if the Captain had become delirious but without the aid of McCoy it was hard to determine.
"Captain while I find the rationale behind your request sound I refuse to comply. The Vulcan Mind-Meld is a sacred technique and should only be used in desperate situations of dire consequence" Spock declined despite the desire to agree simply to ascertain what his captain wanted from him.
"This is dire!"
Spock stared down into the furious face of the Captain of the enterprise. He could see gentle laugh lines creased with fury and exhaustion. His muscles held his form hunched where normally they would carry him upright with outward benevolence. In his haggard countenance Spock could see a desperate longing but the science officer could not bridge the gap to what that longing was for. He felt a strange pain in his heart and could not recall another time he'd wanted to alleviate Jim's suffering as much. With the agitated state he was in Spock doubted that he would be able to assist him in such a way. He resolved to return again later when Jim had regained some control over himself.
"I think it would be best for me to leave" Spock excused himself turning away. He counted the steps it took to reach the door in order to avoid the guilty feeling leaving the captain in such a state gave him. As he reached it he heard the Captains voice again though it had lost the wrath that had burned in every word before.
"To be uninvolved and cold"
Spock stopped and looked over his shoulder. The Captains head had fallen forward and his dishevelled hair was hanging over his forehead. Spock could not read his expression.
"To make unbiased decisions and keep time and attention free only to serve the duty that was given" Jim pressed his right palm over his eyes and swayed slightly.
"That is what it is to be captain"
His voice cracked and Spock turned. He felt a pang of shame as his deep concern moved him to return to the Captain's side. His hands unfolded from behind his back and reached for Jim's arms.
"I cannot show any signs of weakness. But I can't do that now. Right now I can't. I just can't" the last word seems to take his last breath and he fell forward. Spock closed what little space was left between them and caught him. He stood supporting Jim frozen with his lack of knowledge on what to do. Jim sunk closer till his forehead rested against Spock's chest and his shoulders shook with silent tears. Spock reached one arm around his back. It had been a long time since he'd held someone. Spock recalled it had been his mother before he'd left on his first voyage that had received that embrace. He knew the action brought great comfort to humans.
He knew Jim would not be able to function under such intense emotion stress. His reluctance gave way to reason. The Captain had to be able to run the ship and Spock could assist him to do so. He told himself those where the simple facts involved so the answer was sound and unemotional. The fact that he could barely stand to see Jim suffering a moment longer was irrelevant.
"Very well Captain" Spock spoke softly into his hair. The hand clutching the captain's arm slipped away from that position and reached upwards. He moved his hand into the small space between his chest and the captain's face to find the pressure points there. Pressing his fingers gently to them he began the Mind-Meld. Spock felt the mingling of their psyches growing stronger. The arm around Jim's back pulled him closer.
"Be calm Captain. Feel that which I possess; control" He spoke trying to walk Jim through the intense experience of the Mind-Meld. Spock flinched as he tried to combat the devastating sadness rushing into his mind. He felt Jims tangled stream of consciousness and with careful movements began to untie it. As he worked he felt Jims emotions careening and flowing over his own consciousness. Sadness, anger, happiness, love and overriding all of them came one emotion with the answers to Spock's questions. Spock reached out and touched the feeling experimentally. It was the desperate need Spock had seen in Jim's expression before.
The captain merely wanted someone to be there for him and understand his pain. That was all he desired of Spock. He knew he'd made the right choice in the past and he knew it was the only way to set things right for the future so all that was left was for him to grieve what was lost. Being Captain allowed little room for the normal human conventions of mourning so after days of trying to suppress the loss of his love he'd retreated to grieve in private.
He'd argued so vehemently with Spock about how much he'd cared for Leila because if he had cared about her and lost her then he would understand and could be there for him as well. He wanted Spock in particular to be there for him because the amount he cared for Spock was equally comparable to the amount the science officer could make him feel better. Armed with that knowledge and with firm but gentle arrangements Spock was able to begin stabilizing the captain's mentality.
"Feel the sadness fall far into the background" He stated building a human wall over the grief. It was more of a bandaid to allow the wound to heal over time then it was a wall as the Vulcan's built within but Spock felt it appropriate for the Captains internal damage "Be still Captain, a sea of calm washes over the pain now"
He could already feel the body leaning against his relaxing. The storm within his own mind had become still and ordered and he began to withdraw from Jim's mind. Softly his hand brushed down and away from the Captains face. The arm holding Jim tighter then Spock remembered loosened to also fall away. Spock counted exactly 1.5 minutes till Jim leant back standing up straight. He let out a deep breath through his nose, eyes admiringly studying Spock's. Spock allowed a small smile to touch his lips. While the fatigue of the body was still present the Captains mind was sharp and strong once more.
"The mind-meld is an…interesting technique Mr. Spock" The Captain stated his normal playful tone almost completely sound.
"It is, Captain. Your consciousness is a veritable mind field of emotions which made this meld particularly intriguing" Spock replied without missing a beat.
"Oh?" The Captain raised his voice in mock surprise "I was not without discoveries myself" Spock waited for the inevitable ribbing "I saw your mind too Spock. A construction or architectural integrity" he said articulating the words carefully "all lines and angles but at the centre I saw something. One thing of, I'm sure, many other hidden things"
"Really?" Spock said pretending to be startled.
"Yes. I saw how you view me"
Spock found this development fascinating.
"The way in which you regard me is strange. In the memories I glimpsed I was imbued in a golden light. Why is that Spock?"
The answer was simple and Spock did not mind sharing it.
"Because Captain that is how I see you" warmth running through his voice as he answered. Jim smiled his upward turned grin and Spock felt the glow inside.
"Thank you Spock," he said and in his voice there was a world of gratitude. It was rare the occasion arose where the Captain thanked Spock. Most of the time the gratitude shared was unspoken.
"My pleasure captain" Spock replied simply. They stared at each other for a long moment before the ships speakers buzzed over the comfortable silence.
"Captain Kirk. Commander Spock please report to the bridge"
"It seems like we're needed on the bridge Mr. Spock" Jim said almost reluctantly waiting a moment longer before moving to open the doors of his quarters. He slipped though and for a second it was almost like nothing had happened. Spock knew otherwise and filed the new information he'd learned away. He knew if the Captain needed it Spock could express the understanding and comfort required. He would do so at the very next possible occasion. For purely efficiency related reasons of coarse.
"Aye, Captain" Spock said following after him.
A/N: When i say new i mean i just finished the ep "Operation: Annihilate" tonight for the first time. i'm still getting used to these characters so i'm sorry if the characterisations are a bit off. Feedback? *gives puppy dog eyes*