Author's Note: Hello. This is a (very) rough draft of what I'd like in my "book". To me it's a strange process but I do need to take steps towards writing more difficult things (death, loss, grief and things in the same vein). Please feel free to critique this. I would like everyone to be in character but I know some of them may not be as much as I'd like since this story is how I'm going to process something while distancing myself from it. Hopefully it's an enjoyable read because with death there should be some laughter and friendship as well. Conversations I've had with friends end up incorporated. Please pardon any grammatical mistakes.
"I think when my dog dies I'm going to cry more then when my mother died." Quinn said at the table more so than anyone else. She robotically picked up her scotch and finished it.
Brown eyes widened slightly. She wasn't fully surprised by this, but Quinn's admittance came out of nowhere. They were talking about their jobs, a project Brittany was working on, a deposition the brunette had to do, followed by ranting and tangents. Now their small party was very quiet at the classy bar Quinn made them meet up at bi-weekly.
"Why are you so quiet now? Are you having a meltdown…a mini stroke?" Santana inquired and then looked to her wife.
"I can't decide between saying whaaaat or gasp," Brittany said gently.
"Me too. But I'm visualizing it framed like how monologue was shown in silent films." Quinn said as she finished her wine and tilted her head a little to the left.
"Okay hipster queen-no more drinks for you," the brunette said as she gently took Quinn's glass. Though in the back of her mind she was thankful for alcohol because the former ragging bitch had softened over the years but still repressed like it was her job.
"Does that make me horrible?" She asked looking at the table, lost in thought and subconsciously avoiding her friend's gazes. Some things were really that wonderfully simple.
"No Q, your dog is the best and she's innocent and gives a lot of love," Brittany said as she took the shorter blonde's hand and gave a gentle squeeze.
A small smile graced Santana's lips, content and relieved Britt was with them, because she loved Quinn but moments like this made her uncomfortable. Her better half strangely knew the more appropriate sentiments. For a split second the lawyer questioned where the hell is Berry?
"Thanks B," Quinn gave a small smile and felt a wave of acceptance but turned pensive.
"Rachel's been away for 3 weeks. I sent her a text about everything and she replied she was sorry and she'd be home as soon as possible."
"Yeah..what the hell. No. She should have hopped a plane and come home." Santana bristled and said tersely.
"She's busy," Quinn offered gently, knowing it was a weak reason.
"Excuse." Santana replied immediately and paused. "You lose a parent once. She was your mother, as much of a pill as Judes was."
The contemplative blonde slowly nodded, not able to argue, and let Santana's words sink in.
The snarky lawyer watched her best friend retreat into herself. Quinn was her own worst enemy but they all knew she craved validation-support-love. Santana narrowed her eyes thinking that each of things overlapped and intertwined.
"She has her career," Quinn tried again.
"Worst fiancé ever." Santana grumbled and felt Brittany elbow her in her side a little.
"I love her….she's so weird and I love it. Coffee mixed with soy eggnog because its vegan and she makes me try vegan food and can be bossy but she's still…cute. But she's busy and we haven't talked in weeks." She finished sadly, finally letting the depression hit her, and looked up at her best friends. Santana was cracking her knuckles and trying to find the waitress to order another drink while Britt nodded solemnly-knowing what it felt like to want more some someone who was at a distance, all too aware that was Santana in high school.
"Are you even listening?" Quinn asked the brunette, the alcohol making her a bit more on edge.
"No, I checked out about 8 minutes ago." Santana replied with a barely there smirk.
"I've been talking for 4…Jesus Santana!"
"She's listening, she's still working on expressing herself. You know she cares," Britt offered as the voice of reason and smiled when the brunette kissed her cheek then got up from their table to take a call. It helped that her wife was her get out of jail free card because it was too hard to be annoyed at Brittany. And in a few minutes she knew Quinn's wine addled brain would catch up and realize she was being her usual bitchy self and that her comments provided some normalcy.
"Berry. Come get Q." She said bluntly after the phone rang 4 times and almost went to voicemail which would have pissed the lawyer off even more. Unfortunately she couldn't sue Rachel, but at the moment she wanted to. "And maaaaybe book her an appointment for a shrink, some therapy is overdue. She's rambling and in case this convo we're having is too long I'll make it simple-support your current mess of a fiancé cause she's falling apart in her own imploding way OR hashtag-I'll cut you."
"Hello Santana. Aside from the fact your comments are inappropriate, no doubt that you're in mixed company-I'm not her personal assistant." Rachel said with a little bit of edge but Santana couldn't care less because Quinn was trying to pull at her elbow having heard the entire conversation.
"Okay, 1-nothin' new with me being inappropriate, you're slow to accept that 2-you're her fiancé so take care of her when she can't take care of herself."
"I don't want to be therapized!" Quinn loudly expressed while her best friend cupper her hand over the phone so Rachel couldn't hear. Putting a firm hand on Quinn's shoulder made the blonde sit back down and allowed the best friend to walk away.
"You're going to get on a plane and come back here or I will get on a plane after I've booked 2 return tickets and I will gladly drag you back here." She finished with a completely serious tone.
"She kept saying she was fine," Rachel offered but held a reaching tone.
"Fine is always code for not okay," Santana said impatiently.
"I'll be on the next flight," Rachel said with more urgency.
"Should have been on the next flight weeks ago Berry." And ended the call. That was as far as she'd go with a guilt trip because Rachel should know better. She knew that just because Quinn was strong and resilient didn't mean she always had to be.
"Quinn, you're embarrassing yourself. Stop quoting Shrek. You have layers, we got it," She said turning back to her friend. "Come on, let's get you home," she said after she picked up the brunette's arm to sling it over her shoulder to lead them out of the bar. "Always keepin' in classy Q." She finished once they were out on the street.
Britt had picked up the bill, something the bar tender loved 'cause she hated math and always left a nice tip.
"It'll be okay Q, big glass of water and some pills, you'll be okay," she stressed again even though she wasn't sure as Quinn leaned against the brick wall.
"My mom is dead. If you ever make a "your mom" joke again I will punch you." She said with bubbling anger that seemed to require all her energy. In the next few minutes she slouched and started to allow the depression to hit. And it did strong and hard, like a bullet in the back of the head. For a second she thought of Florence and the Machine and the lyric happiness hit her like a train on a track. If only life would be so sweet to her.
"We know…"Brittany started delicately… "losing Judy happened really fast. No one knew she had cancer."
"She was probably too drunk and out of it to notice," the blonde interrupted bitterly.
"Regardless Q, she was your mom. She helped make you who you are and aren't today," Santana offered with sincerity. Silence slowly took over, that clichéd heavy feeling as the words lingered and forced their way into Quinn's mind. With a sigh she leaned back in her chair and let go of another painful piece to the past and present.
"We're gonna take you home, you're going to eat something, carbs preferably and nothing vegan. That time you tried for Rachel was weird." Santana said gently.
"And gross Quinn. Mac and cheese. How can you give that up?" Brittany asked as an offer to lighten the mood as she grabbed the blonde's hand and helped her move towards the cab.
The ride was in silence. A comfortable, considerate moment that allowed everyone to manage their thoughts. Quinn appreciated it the most. And she was glad she wasn't going home to emptiness and solitude. Her dog really was incredibly sweet and helpful. The ideal pick me up, even if it temporarily paused and put on hold her emotions.
Before they exited the cab Santana paid and asked the man to wait five minutes. Quinn and Rachel lived on the second floor and she wanted to make sure she got in okay and at least eat a bowl of cereal. Quinn handed the brunette her apartment key and leaned against the doorway. Her head was loopy, floaty and content. The typical calm before the storm because thoughts and emotions were dormant, laying under the surface, and building energy. The lawyer entered the apartment, pulled Quinn with her while Brittany walked behind them as Juniper wove between them all asking for attention and licking hands.
"We love you Q," the blonde said as she helped her to the couch as Santana made quick work of some food.
"I love you too." Quinn offered with sincerity and smiled, though it felt strained, as if the expression wasn't appropriate since her mother's passing as she placed her hands on the sides of Juniper's face and scratched behind her ears.
"To the moon and back," Britt finished with sparkling blue eyes that really expressed that she cared for her long-time friend.
"Q, stay out of trouble. Eat your cereal, go to bed and we'll see you tomorrow."
"You can just call," Quinn offered, trying not to be work for her friends.
"We'll. See. You. Tomorrow." Brittany stressed as she slowly shut the front door. Everyone knew it was best not to argue with Britt when she actually put her foot down.
Now there was solitude. The worst think for an overthinking mind. Quinn let out a sigh and felt the couch encompass her. If only it were that easy. To be swallowed up and fall into the emotions if she let it.
Juniper jumped up on the couch and sat to her side as close as possible. The act made Quinn smirk in amusement at her dog that clearly had an attachment disorder. She wanted to pick up one of her favorite books and escape, put grieving on hold and pause the emotions. It would have been so easy to get distracted and lost in work even, but she opted for sleep. The water was trying to overpower the alcohol and she was losing any desire to stay conscious. One of the last thoughts that crossed her mind was Rachel doesn't care. Haven't heard from her in days…which is unlike her. Where's the girl I remember from high school that gave so much support and was sometimes the only person in your corner? I want her in my corner…
When she woke up in the morning her neck ached. The couch wasn't the best idea but sleeping in her bed alone was getting old. She was 27. She thought she'd be married by now, in a stable relationship, doing the tedious adoption process and trying to have a family. Shaking her head gently to not increase her headache she made her way to the bathroom and was surprised to hear the water running.
Maybe Britt and Santana came by early.
It felt odd knocking on her own door but she didn't want to disturb them, especially if they were in the middle of what she's caught them doing many times throughout their friendship.
"Come in," the voice said gently.
Her mind wasn't running as fast as usual because she didn't realize it was…
"Rachel…"she said breathy as the steam hit her face and caught the blurred outline of Rachel's figure in their shower.
"Quinn, come here babe," Rachel said calmly and a bit pleading after she stuck her head out from the glass door.
"I'm dressed." Quinn said slowly and almost rolled her eyes at herself for being so dense.
"I don't care. I didn't want to wake you, but now that you're up, please come in here." Rachel replied with sincerity.
The blonde hesitated and closed her eyes. She didn't open them until she felt a wet hand grasping hers. With the slightest pull Rachel led her into the shower. For a second she thought she was glad she wasn't the slipper type of person. She expected Rachel to kiss her and push her against the wall as they've done many times but instead Rachel held her hands and kept looking in her eyes.
"How are you?" She asked with uncertainty. Quinn shrugged. Unsure what she could say. Words failing in how to start describing her ambivalence. This was uncharted. Nothing in her life had helped her prepare for this.
"I'm sorry I've been away." Rachel offered. Her eyes flicking from Quinn's eyes to expressive eyebrows that remained flat.
"I signed up for this with you…right?" Quinn tried to rationalize.
"That's not fair to you. This is different. I'm sorry. I should have been here." She said and squeezed her hand again, trying to will Quinn out from behind her walls. "And I know you're good at putting your emotions away babe, but…I want you to talk to me when you're ready." Rachel said and locked her eyes so Quinn knew, in some way that Rachel wasn't going to leave.
"I…" she started with uncertainty. She was overthinking and hated that Rachel hadn't made it to the wake but she didn't want to hate her fiancé. "I don't trust you," she said with honesty.
Rachel nodded, somehow knowing she'd have to rebuild that. And apologizing wasn't going to change anything, she'd have to prove it in actions, in being present. She squeezed Quinn's hand again as a nonverbal apology and waited for Quinn to continue.
"You weren't there. I had to keep putting gel in her mouth because her crown fell off and it was jagged and cutting her mouth. She fixated on it, how much it hurt. And I had to shave her face because my sister didn't do it and didn't ask the nurses to. That was the hardest thing. That she waited patiently and wanted to look presentable even though she was on her freaking death bed." Quinn said and thought her mother was a little vain but she'd want the same thing if she were in that position to still look like herself.
Rachel listened and let it sink in. Quinn had a lot on her plate, her shoulders and mind.
"I was looking at this woman who…somewhat raised me but helped mold me into who I am and I kept thinking she's a remnant of a person. She didn't look like herself at all." She said tiredly, replaying the last images of her mother and leaned against the tile wall. "And now she's dead," she said flatly, but it felt chalky to say, like it was hard to swallow the meaning of the word dead…death…final...gone.
She was starting to get a headache and raised her hand to rub her temple, the pressure allowing some relief as she fell into herself. Fell into the despair, because it was the first time she was really talking about it and part of her didn't think Rachel deserved her honesty and emotions. But loss was easy to fall into because it created a hole.
Her hand was taken away from her head and replaced with warm lips. Rachel almost always made her headaches fade. It was a simple act but it was in the vein of love that made Quinn's pain lessen.
"It's good she's gone. She wasn't well." She said with her eyes closed. "Far better to pass than suffer at the hands of time," she finished but a few tears mingled with the shower. It was a relief that she wasn't being incredibly open under the guise of the shower. Emotions were camouflaged to an extent and it was easier this way.
Rachel frowned but loved how oddly poetic Quinn could be. It was one of the reason she had fallen in love with her former bully. Once Quinn had matured and gotten past her own denial, restrictions, and expectations she had been far more charming and naturally sweet. It was still hidden and shown in letters. Beautifully written with her unique penmanship that Rachel was worth the risk of loving. And that the risk would always be present but out of the blue at parties, sitting together watching a movie, making dinner together, driving to a premier…Quinn would whisper intimately, "you're worth it."
Now Rachel wondered if Quinn would still do that. Trust was big for Quinn, as it was for many people, but Quinn was very sensitive to it. An all or nothing kind of thing.
"You weren't there. And I wanted you to be there." She refrained from saying she needed her there because it seemed too desperate, too dependent, and she made it through without Rachel. She firmly believed it would have been better if her fiancé had been there but that had come and gone and now…this was it. The aftermath of feeling like she was abandoned. And she almost rolled her eyes days ago at her inner monologues and how dramatic she was being, but there was a grain of truth to the realization that Rachel didn't treat her as a priority and the implications to that.
"I don't know if you're going to…be here when it's tough. If you can't be supportive…my parent is going to pass away once. It's not like this will be a reoccurring thing to tolerate." She finished almost bitterly but didn't want it to become heated. She took in a deep breath to center herself and refrain. Control was key sometimes. "I don't know if you'll be supportive," she finished and wondered where the Rachel that gave her friend's undying support when they needed it. And sometimes when they didn't realize they did but Rachel had her sixth sense. She didn't want to say it but it was needed. "I don't trust you." She paused. "I'm alone in this," she said as she let herself completely lean against the wall.
"Quinn…you have me." She paused. "I am..so sorry," she offered but nearly cringed, feeling that her fiancé was pulling away from her, clearly physically and emotionally, but she fell into the words she was trying to avoid. But sometimes words were all she had and she knew that too, which is why she sang them, why she made a living off of them.
The blonde lifted her gaze, hazel eyes looking more radiant even as Quinn was reinforcing her barriers. Complicated woman as always.
"Do I?" Quinn questioned without malice. The two words said with trepidation and a challenge. Layers that posed a statement in its undertone. The head bitch in charge would always be under the surface in Quinn, regardless of how refined she had become over the years. She was like a graceful creature, a cat that had power if need be.
"You do. I'm going to be here. This is another hardship. And I want to be here. Even if you don't let me, I'll still be here," she challenged back. Sometimes that was the best course and counter to Quinn's stances because sometimes Quinn needed to be proved that there was someone more stubborn than her, someone that would prove that her barriers weren't enough. Rachel wanted to say I love, felt like saying it again, but she had time to reinforce that without words. She pulled Quinn in closer. Slowly, as though asking, and kept guiding her into her even as Quinn resisted a little. With arms around her middle Quinn was forced to wrap her arms around Rachel's small shoulders. They knew this was different for them. Quinn often would hold Rachel's waist and be protective in public whenever they went to events together. The brunette would occasionally rub Quinn's lower back knowing she was tense and ready to pounce on anyone who she considered inappropriate towards her fiancé. Rachel loved it, how attuned Quinn was and how willing she was to be her body guard in a way.
The roles were switched and Rachel felt oddly empowered that she had the opportunity to be better for Quinn, to be the protective one. She willingly slid into the position and kissed Quinn's temple again. She wanted to marry this complex woman. Wanted to build a life with her, a family, traditions, and love with her. She was willing to prove it. Quinn needed the reassurance. As strong as she was, Rachel knew her fiancé needed the validation that she was a good daughter, she had gone above and beyond by dropping everything and flying to see her mother, by holding it together and that behind closed doors she didn't have to be in control. The smaller woman rubbed Quinn's lower back after pulling her shirt to the side.
"I'm going to be here," she stressed again. "If you want to talk to me I would love to listen." Rachel stated with absolution. Rachel felt Quinn shudder as she took in a shaky breath. Her tell that she was trying not to cry.
"The last...thing I told her…it was close to midnight and I stupidly didn't want to sleep at the hospital.." she said bitterly and jumped around, unable to tell the story congruently.
Rachel felt Quinn pause again, her whole body getting tense, then continue in a quieter voice.
"was people love you, people care about you. Goodnight and dream well." Quinn finished almost robotically. They stood there as Rachel let it sink in.
"Quinn, babe…anyone would want to hear that. That's beautiful. That's perfect." Rachel said with pride that despite all their difference and painful past Quinn was able to give a peace of mind to Judy.
"There's no such thing as perfect." Quinn replied.
"Quinn Fabray, they were perfect." Rachel said solidly. "Anyone would want to be told that. You did the right thing." Rachel stressed with sincerity and finally felt Quinn relax a little more. That Quinn had done well was reassuring. "I love you," she stressed again, proud of the woman she wanted to spent her life with even though the woman couldn't take a compliment that wasn't about her appearance to save her life sometimes.
"Can we get out of the shower...and lay in bed? I'll tell you more then." Quinn said and moved her hand to the faucet to turn it off. It was a question but they both knew they'd end up in their bed.
With a gentle nod and a kiss to the taller woman's cheek Rachel pulled back and said, "I'm glad you're talking to me." She watched as Quinn removed her clothes that stuck to her and hung them on the faucet to drip versus track water through their apartment. "I want you to call or text me whenever you want to talk Quinn, please. I will drop anything I'm doing and reply. Okay?"
Hazel eyes looked back at her with uncertainty. Not trusting that Rachel would leave one of her shows and come home if she was over-thinking and feeling particularly depressed. Those eyes said enough but Rachel had thought about it the moment she had stepped through the door and saw Quinn on the couch. She had kissed her forehead and quietly made her way to the shower thinking she'd always have her understudy ready to go in hair and makeup ready to step in the moment Quinn would need her or want her. It may be unconventional but she was unconventional, they were very unconventional and she'd make it work.
"I promise" she said, knowing she'd have to put in the work but as Quinn had said to her countless times-you're worth it. She squeezed the pale hand that fit into hers in a way that made her think they were always supposed to be this way. Brown eyes met hazel, both deep and connecting as Rachel felt this was the prologue to their vows. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse…I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad.
Seems to be an abrupt ending but its not over because I forced that happy ending and its not going to be it.